Davis and I had a long talk last night over dinner and a walk. I admitted the depth of my reservations to him. We talked a lot about his depression.
On the one hand, it was very frustrating. He doesn't think therapy will work for him right now and declined when I said I'd be willing to pay for it if we could find an affordable place. He kept saying that it was all about the fact that he hasn't found a new job since his last contract ended in late August. I kept pointing out that he's been through this depressive cycle before when he's had work.
What made it hopeful was that he did seem to be listening and by the end of the night his position had softened somewhat. He recognizes very astutely which of his behaviors are problematic (withdrawal, escapism) and why, and wants to change them.
We talked just a little about poly and the future. I reiterated my commitment to G&E&B and the depth of my feelings for them, he said he understands.
Near the end of the night he finally answered a question I'd asked early on and said that, yes, he's had doubts about our relationship too. He said that he thinks his issues are the main source of our problems, and that he doesn't think he'd like to be around himself right now if he were me. "But I don't *want* to not want to be around you!" I said. It felt like that was important, like we'd summed things up.
I asked how I could help, he said that since the depression can makes him sort of ambivalent and "meh", he'd appreciate it if I were willing to step up and be more decide-y for both of us sometimes so that he can't just wallow and do nothing. This exchange of "decide-y"-ness reminded me of D/s, and I brought up the subject. He said he thought taking on those sorts of roles would be too much, and I agreed -- the last thing I'd want to do is substitute D/s for therapy.
You'd think that confirming that we're both unsure about our relationship would leave us feeling more separate from each other, but somehow the opposite happened. I guess holding this all in and running it around and around in my head was distancing me from him. I found that I actually felt closer to him and better about things than before.
We went back to my place and he ate me out and it was hot. I moved to reciprocate and he stopped me, playfully, grinning, like this moment in time should stay all about me. Then we went downstairs and watched a show. When we went to bed for the night, we had some great sex.
At one point I was riding him, and I found myself wanting to say dom-y things. Eventually I just went with it... nothing hardcore, just stuff like "Mmm, you're mine, I love you, how does it feel to belong to me, do you like being used by me, mine, mine..."
He certainly seemed to enjoy himself, but afterwards I still worried that I'd freaked him out. I asked him if he'd liked the things I'd said and hastened to assure him that I wasn't trying to push him into a D/s dynamic. He was sleepy and contemplative and said he wasn't sure, he'd have to think about it, we could talk later. I said, "Well, I apologize if I made you uncomfortable." He said, "No, quite the opposite, but let's sleep for now..."
Which just left me really wondering!!! "Quite the opposite," eh?
Laying there as he snored softly, I found myself imagining what sort of wedding we'd have if we were ever to get married. I considered and discarded lots of different themes/locations/outfits. It was SO odd... I *never* fantasize about that sort of thing... but I enjoyed thinking about it.
I'm hardly going to up and propose to him any time soon, but how very very odd to go from feeling like I want to break things off to feeling like I want to commit! I guess getting things out in the open is just *deeply* important to me.
I'm going to keep encouraging him to deal with his issues. We'll see what comes.
