Another complicated story

[santanger]

Hi,

I've been lurking on here for a while, then I read iloveyoutwo's "complicated" thread and decided to post my own similar story.

I'm 44. I've been in a marriage for two years that has been completely devoid of all physical or emotion affection. She doesn't hold my hand, or kiss me goodbye, and her affect is completely flat all the time. I can't tell whether she's happy, sad, or angry. We live literally as platonic roommates. She is Chinese, and very much a workaholic.

The only thing holding me to her is our son. He is 15 months old. He is the light of my life. I love the little guy to death and it's an absolute joy to come home to him everyday. I feel that all the work, hardships and sacrifices I've made up to this point were worth it to have this little guy come into my life. The problem is if we divorce she could very well take him back to China and I would never see him again. It breaks my heart to the point that I get physically sick sometimes with the thought of losing him.

I've met another woman who is bisexual and poly. I desperately want to spend the rest of my life with her. She is the one I should be with. She came into my life about 6 months ago. The time I spend with her makes me feel happy, keeps me sane from becoming an emotional wreck and fills some of those very basic human needs of wanting affection and feeling loved by another human being.

I'm stuck. I know my life is miserable. I don't want to stay in this situation until my son turns 18 yrs old. I don't know which way to turn. Any thoughts, help, comments?

 

[Magdlyn]

I am glad your mistress is providing you with the love and support that anyone should expect from a marriage or romantic partnership.

I can also relate to feeling extremely bonded to a dear child and putting that love before all other loves-- love for yourself, love for your mistress.

Or... is she your mistress? You say you've "met" her. Are you lovers, sex partners?

I doubt many of us here know the precise legal ramifications of having a wife from a distant country who might return with your child, were you to break up.

My only advice is to get a lawyer now and find out from them what your legal rights are around custody. I know in many states, if a couple breaks up and there is a shared custody arrangement, partners can be forced to stay in the same state, much less leave the country and move to the other side of the world.

Of course, the fact you've been infidelitous sexually might not weigh in your favor. Any evidence of your cheating (should your wife suspect you are), texts, computer messages, credit card bills, etc., can be used against you.

 

[BlackUnicorn]

I'm 44, in a two-year marriage that has been completely devoid of physical or emotion affection.

I am curious as to how you came to meet and marry your wife. Was it one of those marriages of convenience, where she'd get a work permit and you'd get a child? Did you enter into the marriage thinking there would normal physical intimacy between the two of you? Have you been to couple's counseling?

She doesn't hold my hand, or kiss me goodbye. Her affect is completely flat all the time. I can't tell whether she's happy, sad, or angry.

Is it a cultural thing? Do you share a language? Is there communication? Have you tried asking her how she is feeling at any given time?

I'm sorry, but it appears very weird that you have married a woman when there was no shared love or affection to begin with, fathered a son by her, and are now somehow surprised that it isn't working out. Was there a dating period when everything was fine? Why have you allowed your marriage to grow cold, then?

I've met another woman... and want to desperately spent the rest of my life with her.

So, having one marriage on the rocks, how do you feel you are prepared and equipped to face the infinitely more complex patterns of polyamorous relationships?

I don't know which way to turn. Any thoughts, help, comments?

So, if you are convinced that the marriage with the mother of your son is null and void, and have given up on it already, getting a good lawyer is the way to go. I would seriously consider, though, what it is that you can bring into this new relationship that wasn't present when you met your wife.

 

[Carma]

How affectionate is your wife towards your son? Is she a good mom? Is she warm and kind to other people, just not you? Maybe there is resentment going on underneath. Maybe she knows about your poly friend?

Culturally, there are differences that have to be taken into consideration. If you haven't done so, you may want to read up on the views of infidelity in the Chinese culture. From what I've read, there is sometimes an understanding that it is inevitable/understandable/tolerable, but if the wife finds out, that is when the husband is considered a jerk. He is expected to be discreet.

Your son is only 15 months old. 17 more years is a looooong time to be miserable. Glad you are exploring some options for yourself.

 

[redpepper]

I am sorry that your situation has lead you to the reality you see today. How it got there is not evident in your post, but I don't think it matters. What matters is getting out of it. Please realize that my "firmness" in this is because I find that far too often others take a softer tone, and I am writing this to balance that. I understand something of what you are going through, but I obviously can't understand entirely. I hope that you find some of what I see as useful in terms of motivating you to make some well-needed change in your life, for all of you, but especially for your boy's future and how he sees healthy successful relationships. He is your future, after all. Why not make every effort to make sure he is a mentally-healthy little guy?

I echo the thoughts of getting a lawyer and finding out what your rights are. If I were in your situation I would do that first. Get all the paperwork sorted out, find a place to live if you need to leave right away, and make a solid plan.

From your post I gather you love this woman, but you don't think she loves you. After making my plan, I would then go about finding this out. By then, I would have a plan to fall back on, and there would be nothing to lose in finding out. I would be asking her some straight-up questions about what she wants for her future, what she wants for your child's future, what she sees as the future of your relationship. I would have a therapist lined up for her personally, for you personally, and for both of you together. Then do some really hard work, and invite her to do the same.

As an absolute last resort, if she doesn't want to, then I suggest telling her that you will be moving on to a relationship with someone that you can find love with. You will stay in the home with her. She can do the same. Then, divide your time between your private life and that of your child. Make sure that you spend your own private quality time with him, and that your wife has the same ability. Keeping it even in terms of time spent is very important for all, imo.

Part of the best-case scenario means that you would have to say good bye to the new woman you met, and concentrate on your real life. She is not real life. Your child and his mother are. It means you will have to be really strong and really together. Her distraction in a physical sense will not be helpful, I don't think. Friends, and other people you can talk to, like a therapist, and a lawyer, will be helpful.

You can do this. People do this every day. You can live the life you need in happiness and personal success, but cheating is not the way to do it. That is my firm belief. To me, it's a cop-out and a lazy way of living, that leads to a deterioration in integrity, self worth and the basic trust of others that helps us feel safe in the world... not to mention what it does to kids.

Your child will be fine in this. He is young enough to adjust easily if you and his mother can work something out together. Aim high for that. She loves him too. She has every right to a life. Hopefully she can see that and will be willing to empathize so you can get about making the most of this. You had something before with her. Find it again. Or at least agree to something that works for all.

 

[Iloveyoutwo]

The other side

It is interesting to see the other side of the situation, as yours does have some commonalities with regard to my bf. I wish you two could meet and talk. I would be interested in hearing more about your situation, how it got that way, what you've done to try to rectify it (if you have done anything), etc.

 

[Magdlyn]

I wanted to ask you, is your wife an American citizen? If you divorced, would she have to leave the country? But your child is a citizen. Hmm...

 

[Derbylicious]

Did she develop this flat affect after having your child? Is there a chance that she could be suffering from postpartum depression? It might be worth looking into.

 

[Minxxa]

Did she develop this flat affect after having your child? Is there a chance that she could be suffering from postpartum depression?

Yes! Was she always like this, or is it recent? She may be suffering from depression of one sort or another, or some other psychological issue. Flat affect is not a normal way to be. It's usually is a symptom of an underlying issue. I would definitely try to get her to see somebody to figure out what's going on. Maybe you could do couple's therapy and let the therapist know that you are worried about her affect.

If for no other reason than your child's well being, please check into this.