I cant answer - "who brings up the kids"

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bassman

New member
Hi all
I'm new to this whole thing.
I tried to relate some of my newly gained knowledge from "ethical slut" to my wife. We reached a point where she seemed sort of OK with the Poly idea, but then she asked me -
"so who brings up the kids"

and I didnt have a really good answer, except to point out how many divorces there are, and "so who brings up those kids?"

I wish now I could have formulated a more intelligent reply -

Like - "well just imagine our boy being loved by another adult as well as us"
or - "more adults in the relationship, with similar values, could be very benificial"

What would you have said?
Can anyone link me to maybe a blog on this, where its been successful?
 
Lol... there's no prescribed rule about who brings up the kids, especially since there are so many possible poly arrangements!

For instance, I'm married and live with my husband, and I have a casual other boyfriend. He doesn't live with us and won't be expected to bring up our children... co-parenting will happen in my household with my husband and me. Not that our son won't know the boyfriend, but he'll know him as his parent's friend Sven.

What about the case of, say, three women in a poly triad, all cohabitating? They might be more likely to share child-rearing duties.

There's another thread about this here, about how babies change poly dynamics. Check it out!
 
Thanks Michelle
And I 've just found a google group in the UK for this exact topic.

Of course I'm following RedPepper on here, too - seems like a good example :D
 
Yeah, just because people get into poly relationships doesn't mean they're all going to be living together and sharing parenting responsibilities. Plenty of poly people don't want that. And plenty do. So, it will depend on the people involved.

If the two of you do open things up and find other partners, make sure that you still go out on romantic dates with each other, and don't leave it that the marriage is only about the household duties and childrearing responsibilities. One of you shouldn't be always stuck at home handling household stuff while the other is out dating. If you want to romance another woman, you will have to make sure you are romancing your wife as well, and visa versa if she is with another guy.

Did you ask her what her concerns were about that and if she had any ideas about making that work? There is a really big thread on children here: Children and Polyamory
 
nycindie said:
Yeah, just because people get into poly relationships doesn't mean they're all going to be living together and sharing parenting responsibilities. Plenty of poly people don't want that. And plenty do. So, it will depend on the people involved.
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Yes, I was starting to think "Well, if you're only seeing an OSO once a week of so, then of course theres no question to answer here really".

nycindie said:
If the two of you do open things up and find other partners, make sure that you still go out on romantic dates with each other, and don't leave it that the marriage is only about the household duties and childrearing responsibilities. One of you shouldn't be always stuck at home handling household stuff while the other is out dating. If you want to romance another woman, you will have to make sure you are romancing your wife as well, and visa versa if she is with another guy.
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You know Cindie, I was kinda coming round to that realisation myself. Your post is timeous and we are starting to get romantic again beyond the chores etc. We have a lunch date on Fri for example (though Ive asked her not to wear any underwear for it:D)

nycindie said:
Did you ask her what her concerns were about that and if she had any ideas about making that work? There is a really big thread on children here: Children and Polyamory
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Eeek, no, I didnt ask. I gave my only stupid rely as I said above :mad: - I want to be seen to be approaching this whole thing with some intelligence, thought, etc. I didnt do well on that topic.

Thanks for the link - I will start reading !!
 
bassman said:
Eeek, no, I didnt ask. I gave my only stupid rely as I said above :mad: - I want to be seen to be approaching this whole thing with some intelligence, thought, etc. I didnt do well on that topic.
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You know, it's still an intelligent answer to say, "I hadn't thought about that yet. I don't know." People are so afraid to admit they don't know something, but it's just an opportunity to figure it out together.
 
nycindie said:
You know, it's still an intelligent answer to say, "I hadn't thought about that yet. I don't know." People are so afraid to admit they don't know something, but it's just an opportunity to figure it out together.
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Yep, I should have thought of that. My wife was trying to defend monogamy, and I wasnt, so my bad reply was me trying to "win" the discussion (i'm prone to do that, i'm aware of myself doing it, but I havent mastered the art of focusing on the topic, rather than winning in the discussion!)

Yes, you're right, I could have said "I havent read up on that one much", or something as gentle as that. :(
 
I think most poly peeps who are in healthy relationships that last for a while end up developing warm relationships with their OSO's kids, like an aunt or uncle, but they're still your kids and there's absolutely no reason that would need to change. It wouldn't be until the point that you or she were so committed and in love with another person that you're truly building an additional life partnership with that person that co-parenting might make sense, and that would be years down the line. It'll depend on how you both feel about the OSO, how the OSO feels about kids, and, if they're not babies, how the kids feel too! There are numerous possible configurations for each unique situation.
 
My kids are all in their early 20s, but as well all know, it's a time of making many mistakes and having adventures and doing rash things, and hopefully learning a lot about oneself on the way.

My gf is only in her early 30s and we've been together almost 3 years. My kids liked her a lot from the start and she has a sort of young aunt or big sister relationship with them. "Kids" that age still need mentors, yet they don't always take too kindly to the advice old mom and dad give them, so it's great to have her in their lives!
 
You could go back and say, "ya know, I didn't really answer that question as well as I wanted so I did some research and thinking and while I am not an expert, this is what I found." There is no shame in revisiting a conversation with new info because you think you gave a shoddy answer the first time round.

They say a child is best off in the world with 7 adults that are solid in their life. They don't have to be family and they don't have to be involved care givers... just adults that are always there for the kid when they are needed. I don't know where I got that from, sorry, but I always remembered it. Basically I make it as easy as possible to know and love my child and if they continue to know and love him they are welcome regardless of if I am partnered with them. It takes a village to raise a child after all.
 
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