It doesn't sound like you actually got into the roommate type relationship. And apart from the hot wild sex and nuzzling her beautifully enhanced breasts I'd say no ...unhappy. Not to go too far off topic just how beautifully enhanced are we talking? kidding don't answer that....just trying to lighten the mood.
So when you asked "if it hurt you this bad how can you stand to watch me ... is this destructive cycle of abuse?? Was his answer (yes)...or was that your interpretation of the destructive cycle?
I think you missed the point of pay back. It's about dishing out the same treatment and watch the other person suffer.... an attempt at forcing empathy.
NRE and lust are factors which have great influence on a grand list of things and perhaps one of those is the empathy chip. It may deaden or reduce those responses somewhat. Didn't you say you handled the NRE badly or didn't really hear or neglected what he was telling you? Could be the same for him now.
Perhaps because of male ego, societal programing (males don't talk about feelings), childhood experiences, etc, he stoically took the pain. My point is perhaps he was much, much more hurt and destroyed than he let on or expressed at the start. So pay back could look asymmetrical from your point of view.
Do you want to salvage the marriage?
First -- How beautifully enhanced? I realize that's a rhetorical question, haha. If you're into the silicone thing, or ever watched porn, well, I guess you've seen them. I've seen the naked pictures she's sent him. Nothing particularly unique. She does have really nice hair, which he has mentioned to me several times, as well.
Sundance rarely answers my direct questions. I've probably asked "If it hurt you this bad, how can you hurt me the same way? All I can conclude is, it didn't hurt THIS bad or you couldn't consciously keep doing it...." I think he did say once, "Oh it hurt me, but I was willing to do it (poly) because I loved you so much. But you're not willing to do this for me."
Big differences, though. I was brutally honest. I respected boundaries. When I saw he was hurting, I slowed down with Butch, stuck right by Sun and held him and talked it through. I limited my time with Butch. I kept my emotions in check, didn't say things with Butch that would insult or negate our marriage. Butch and I didn't talk or dream of a future together, except that we hoped we'd all still be friends. There were no empty promises or secret agendas. Did I handle the NRE badly??? You know, I don't think so. Butch wouldn't LET me, for one thing. But I think when Sundance started up with Barbie, I felt so much emotion all at once, I exaggerated and overstated my prior neglect of him. I hadn't been a bad wife. I wasn't uncaring or insensitive or horrible -- I had been as kind and understanding as I could be. I think I was so shocked when he really went and had sex with her, I felt it was ALL MY FAULT, for driving him to it.
Sundance thought everything that went wrong in our marriage was something I had caused, something I needed to work through. My FATHER issues were so major, I needed to work through them. Even I thought, because of that, maybe that's why I needed 2 men -- one to be my father figure and one to be my lover.
I needed to grow the fuck up. That's what. Sundance was just enabling me to keep acting like a child. And I did just that, in so many areas of my life, letting him play the role of responsible adult. Except -- he is
not a responsible adult! There were holes in that, all over the place, but he had all kinds of smoke and mirror tactics, to get me to keep looking at ME (haha, then he accused me of being self-absorbed! Spending to much time reading self-help books. Being obsessed with the polyamory forum. Going to my 12-step meetings, so I could finally learn to be more accepting of others...)
Now that I am finally taking a serious look at myself, and actually getting healthy, I see where things were so off track. HE wasn't doing ANY work on himself -- no self-reflection, so inner searching, no reading others' opinions or philosophies or learning from their experiences, no prayer or meditation, no relationships with any mentors or friends, no emotional or spiritual GROWTH, whatsoever. He spent all his free time working on his appearance.
Do I want to salvage a marriage to the emotional, spiritual equivalent of a 12-year old?
Well, I guess that depends -- how fast can he grow up???
I haven't seen much promise.
Heard some promises, but talk is cheap. Heard him tell some lies that told me more of his truth, actually! Saw some shiny armor but never much of a wounded soul.
I'm growing up, myself. I am doing a lot of work. It is grueling and painful and scary, but it is also wonderful! Is he going to hold me back? Or is he going to try to catch up to me?
Or would he rather just go with Barbie, and try a whole new batch of issues with her?
Right now, he seems to have much more confidence in Barbie than in himself, or in me.
Right now, he is looking for the easier, softer way (even if silicone is not soft
).
Right now, he is grasping for the quick fix, immediate gratification.
And I am becoming a more spiritual person, embracing the truth wherever I see it, even when it hurts. Good things are happening for me, already. How fast can a person grow? It depends, upon whether it walks in light or darkness..... and upon what you feed it.
