How important is it that everyone be friends?

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purpledreamer

New member
I was wondering if anyone had any advice on if it is necessary to have a friendship with your love's other loves, or if you should just be friendly.

I've been dating someone for a short while, and I had an initial understanding that their primary relationship was a happy poly one. I hoped to develop a friendship with his gf, and began to, initially. However, it seems now that she is actually mono, and not really at peace with their whole situation/relationship, and this has lead to a whole heap of drama, which seem to flow into my headspace.

This sparks all sorts of guilt for me also, as I feel that my relationship is hurting her. I feel torn. I have lots of love and compassion for her, and almost feel a nurturing instinct toward her, but I also care very much for the person I am seeing, and he means so much to me that I want to continue seeing him, regardless of his gf's issues.

Is this heartless of me? Should I try to be friends with his gf, or just give her space? Any advice around this is appreciated. Thanks.
 
IMO, this truly depends on where you plan on taking the relationship or the expected depth of connection. If the nature of your relationship is one where you sustain essentially separate lives, or perhaps a more casual involvement, then it probably isn't necessary. If you are looking for more integration, or want to share in more of the time of your partner, then you'll probably need to at least be friendly.

Depth will be the key, I believe. The idea of having a deep relationship without getting to know huge parts of your partner's life seems almost unobtainable to me. The unseen impact and influence of another person they love is a huge aspect of their lives. It will affect your life, as well. I would much rather be comfortable with that aspect, than live a life where you essentially pretend it does not exist.

If you are looking for a more "surface" relationship, then I don't see the need to get overly involved with other aspects of their life.

My own relationship includes love and a deep level of caring/respect for both of Redpepper's other relationships. It wouldn't be healthy for me if it did not, and would have a negative affect on all of us, just like if one of them were negative towards me. It inevitably would not be sustainable, and seeing as we have long term goals in mind, that would not work for us.

I hope this helps. I think you have a great attitude in wanting to embrace his other relationship.
 
I think that it is important if you want something long term. mountainboy did have a girlfriend for nearly a year, who refused to see me. We talked a couple of times via email. But she was not ok with meeting me. At first this really bothered me, but then I realised that he cared about her, and I loved and trusted him enough to let him continue with that relationship and consider my needs too, regardless of the fact that i found it hurtful that she refused to meet me.

But if the relationship was to get any more serious, they fell in love, and she wanted to be a bigger part of his life, I don't think it would work. In the end, they split up because she was playing games.

Perhaps friendship is not the most important thing, but to be able to talk, understand, and work through problems, and respect each other is the most important thing,

Have you thought about writing her a letter, explaining how you feel?

Jools
 
For me, when my husband dates someone, it is mandatory that I at least know the person and appreciate them. I would want to be able to have them over for supper, call on them with my concerns, when I have them, and invite them to places to socialize with me and my husband.

I don't know what your definition of friend is, but mine is akin to my love relationships, and has similar depth, or potential to be deep... I don't think that is necessary, but I think it is at least healthy to be able to be comfortable around each other.

It's also mandatory that my partners are the same with my husband. There has to be a good fit all around, otherwise it seems to just fizzle out for us, due to lack of depth and therefore, eventual boredom.
 
Thanks for the advice guys.

Jools, I did actually write her a letter. However, I didn't get any feedback, so I'm not too sure how it was received. A few things for me to have a good long think about from your comments.

I agree about friendliness being a bare minimum. I am still struggling a bit with old modes of thinking telling me I am doing something wrong by dating 'someone else's boyfriend,' which I think has thrown a few spanners into the works for me, feeling guilty and 'bad.' I'm not sure if it's just my projection, but I also feel like this is how she sees me, which makes it difficult for me to relate without feeling guilty, or remorseful almost, for 'causing trouble' in her relationship. I then flip to feeling defensive, because, on another level I know I've done nothing wrong. I'm sure this battle of the conscience is normal as people start out in poly relationships for the first time.

Thanks again, all.
 
My ideal is that if my husband cares for someone, I want to care for that person, too, and vice versa. I want to socialize, have dinner together, enjoy each other's company. What I've recently learned is that this doesn't always happen right away. And me being welcoming and generous at the beginning of my husband's other relationship may not make her issues go away, or at least subside. We moved too fast to that dynamic, and it didn't work. Now we have to back up and start over, and I'm not open to hanging out with her, or her sleeping over, until she deals with her stuff.

@purpledreamer, I think you need to give her the space she needs. If you wrote her a letter and she didn't reply, that's the most you can do for right now. It's very difficult when you are not able to communicate the way you want to, but you have to respect the limits someone may have at the moment. Be patient. I wish you the best.
 
There are really two questions here. One is, "How important is it that everyone be friends?" and two, "What are you supposed to do when you're starting to date someone who's already in another relationship, and that relationship starts to have problems in reaction to their involvement with you?"

To the first, I tend to agree with what Mono said. It depends on your expected depth of relationship. The more integrated you want your life to be with a partner's, the more important it becomes to be friends, or at least friendly enough to be able to have a discussion with that person's metamours. If you're intending on keeping the relationship more casual, it's less necessary, but often helps.

However, close friendships don't always develop out of thin air, either. Sometimes it takes time to develop trust. Sending a letter to her was a good way to extend an olive branch to her, I think. She may not respond now because she isn't ready, but because you made that effort in the beginning, it's possible she'll remember that and be comfortable enough to go to you in the future if there's something that concerns her. I think you've done the best you can in this situation.

To the second, this is one of the grey areas, I have often felt. When people are new to polyamory, it has seemed like (at least to me) that people's philosophy toward poly was often more advanced than their communication or personal reflection skills, and while both partners were philosophically on board to open up their relationship, they didn't necessarily do their homework and prepare for how they were going to handle it when it actually happened. Not that going over hypothetical situations is going to necessarily cover everything that could possibly happen, but it's good practice for figuring out how to communicate when unexpected things do happen.

That being the case, I think often times people who were philosophically interested in being open end up fumbling their way at first and make crucial communication mistakes which lead to drama and problems. That's not to say that newbies are bad to be involved with and to avoid them at all costs, because they don't know what they're doing, but you ought to be aware of what's going on so you can make an informed decision on whether it's best to stay or go.
 
Just personally, I could never date someone who my husband could not see as being part of our family. I am new to this. I know I've only had the one girlfriend. But if Nils did not want her as part of our family, long term, I wouldn't be dating her. That is just how I feel.

I agree it is more about what you and everyone involved want. If you are open and honest and talk about what you all want, you will figure out what the relationship "titles/roles" are supposed to be.

Lastly, I wanted to add that if the third party involved isn't willing to even talk (e-mail, phone, anything) than the honesty/openness will never come and I don't think the whole thing will work at all.

Hope you work it out.
 
I'm in a new relationship, where my boyfriend is also dating his ex-wife. It's a fairly equal V agreement. I've felt uncomfortable in situations where we all attend the same event and hang out. In addition, at the end of the night there is always the conflict. They are both ok with us all sleeping in the same room, and being abstinent (or being sexual). But I am uncomfortable. Therefore, I'll choose to leave and go home. But that is uncomfortable for me as well, because I feel left out.

It seems I can't find a comfortable scenario, so I've chosen to not hang out with both of them at the same time, as long as it can be avoided. I'm fine with knowing that he's seeing her, but it is difficult for me to have a close relationship with her and seeing their affection. She is very uncomfortable that I don't want to spend time with the two of them together and says she feels left out. She thinks I need to be able to do this if I want the relationship to work.

Do I? I don't really see why I need to force myself into that situation. Basically, when I find out we're all going to be at the same place at the same time, I sometimes choose to not go. Or sometimes I might choose to go and deal with my jealousy and discomfort.

What do you think is the appropriate course of action in this situation?
 
lulu said:
What do you think is the appropriate course of action in this situation?
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Have a threesome. Seriously, that'll take the edge away from seeing any affection between them, and vice versa.

I've never had an issue with seeing Redpepper and her husband being affectionate, but I always felt a little awkward when she would show me affection in front of him. This was totally my issue, I think.

Throw in a threesome, and little kisses and hugs, or just all sitting on the couch doesn't seem like such a big deal at all. Seriously, it was freeing and took us all to a more bonded place. The closer you all become, the more you will be amazed at how natural this can be.

Threesomes aside, push yourself in this area if you want something bigger from this relationship.

Just to clarify, it was affection centered around Redpepper. I'm not bi, not that there is anything wrong with that. ;)

Peace and Love
Mono
 
Yeah, that's been a consideration. But that's a new thing for me, plus I'm just not convinced that's the only solution. I'm also feeling averse to this other woman. I don't feel a connection with her so it's making the desire to do a threesome less than desirable.
 
lulu said:
She is very uncomfortable that I don't want to spend time with the two of them together and says she feels left out. She thinks I need to be able to do this if I want the relationship to work. Do I? I don't really see why I need to force myself into that situation. Basically, when I find out we're all going to be at the same place at the same time, I sometimes choose to not go. Or sometimes I might choose to go and deal with my jealousy and discomfort. What do you think is the appropriate course of action in this situation?
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I would say you need to deal with your jealousy. Accept that it is, then figure out why it is. It's not "because of her," it's something in you. So what is that in you? Deal with that, all the way, first of all.

For me, in a relationship, I NEED my husband to be friendly and hang out with me and my bf. If that's not possible, then the V isn't possible. Maca is considering someone as a possible gf, and I am likewise pursuing friendship with her, because if she and I can't be friends, they aren't going to be a couple. It's too complicated, since time is limited. As his wife, who shares 4 kids with him, I have his time.

That said, I don't show a great deal of affection towards the bf in front of Maca But I do show a great deal of affection towards Maca in front of bf. It doesn't bother the bf. It used to, and I limited it both ways as much as possible at that time.

So I think maybe the answer is both. You should be working to deal with your issues if you want to retain the relationship. But they could also reduce pointed sexual affection in front of you, as well.
 
Clarification/FYI, Maca isn't bi and he's not into my bf in any way.

It is QUITE possible to have a threesome with a person you aren't interested in, if they aren't the center of attention. In younger years I had two men. They were not interested in each other, at all. But they knew I was interested in both of them. They took the opportunity to tease and pleasure me. They never touched one another, not even by accident, on the hand, or anything.

They "split up my body" into quarters, and agreed that they would remain in only two quarters at a time (each) and never the two would meet.
 
I'm going to have to respectfully disagree with the sentiment that having a threesome would be a good idea. I would NOT recommend initiating a threesome, unless that's something that you're all really into trying. If you're already uncomfortable being around your partner's other significant other (OSO), being in an intimate situation with both of them present is likely not going to help things. On the contrary, it's likely to bring up even more insecurities and drama. And, depending on the personalities involved, it may make it more difficult to communicate effectively. This has been my experience.

That said, both you and the OSO have perfectly valid feelings about this. Some people are okay with giving their blessing to the other relationship, but prefer to keep their distance, because it's too uncomfortable to see their partner with someone else. Other people, like the OSO, have the need to be friendly and occasionally included in things with their partner's OSO, because otherwise their imagination runs rampant on all the fun things they must be missing out on.

It's hard to come out with a blanket answer to the question of "Will this work if I'm not friends with her?" because quite frankly, it depends.... If being friends is what she needs to feel comfortable with this arrangement, and you feel that you can't be around her, chances are things aren't going to work out, or are going to be very drama-prone.

The key, I think, is working toward some sort of compromise.

First, I think it's worthwhile to sit down and do some thinking and try to figure out what about seeing them together really bothers you. How I do this is to write down everything that's bothering me about a situation, no matter how significant or insignificant it may seem. Then, I go over my list (usually later, when I'm less emotional and thinking more logically) and figure out what I wrote which were legitimate concerns, which were just me being upset about things that really didn't matter in the grand scheme of things, and which were things that I needed to discuss with my partner for reassurance. Identifying why you feel the way you feel is a great exercise for personal growth and it helps you be more self-aware, so you can communicate effectively with others.

Second, don't feel that you ought to be comfortable hanging out with both of them on the living room couch right away. Start slow with baby steps. You mentioned that sometimes when you find out that they're both going to an event, you avoid it but at other times you deal with your jealousy and uncomfortable feelings and go. This is a wonderful place to start. I'd try to make it a point to go to the events you want to go to, especially if she and your partner are going to be there. It'll be uncomfortable at first, I'm sure, but often times part of relieving anxiety around a situation is repeated exposure to it. Going anyway, and then coming home and examining why you're feeling uneasy about the things you do, and then going out and trying again next time does tend to make things easier, eventually.

Once you are comfortable with going to events in public space where your partner and his OSO are present, all of you can re-evaluate what your needs are in regard to the situation at hand.

So, short answer... The appropriate thing to do in this situation is to use this as an opportunity to grow as a person. :)
 
nikkiana said:
I'm going to have to respectfully disagree with the sentiment that having a threesome would be a good idea. I would NOT recommend initiating a threesome unless that's something that you're really into trying. If you're already uncomfortable being around your partner's other significant other, being in an intimate situation with both of them present is likely not going to help things. On the contrary, it's likely to bring up even more insecurities and drama, and depending on the personalities involved it may make it more difficult to communicate effectively. This has been my experience.
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Agreed. This was based on my positive experience. Redpepper's husband and I were already very comfortable and close friends. There is a difference in my situation.
 
Friendship with your primary's partner is paramount

Nothing set me at ease more about our new decisions than hanging out with my wife's boyfriend.

It put it all into perspective and built more respect for him and my wife. I've found that I really cherish their relationship and I *want* them to be happy.

As for what Mono said, I think that is a much too radical fix. But whatever works. Sometimes an extreme approach fixes things. But then again, their discomfort might really not be about the physical side of things.
 
I don't think its an absolute necessity for everybody to be great friends. Both my bfs are cordial to each other when they happen to run into each other, but we don't make it a point to all be together at once. I have my time with O and then I have my time with K. O has more jealousy issues than K, and because of that I don't discuss K much with him. K is very open, and although he is bi, he is not attracted to or sexual in any way with O.

K has his own bf, who is very nice. I am quite content to be with him. He spends time with K, and also with the both of us.

All relationships are different. It's just whatever works best for all involved.
 
I am in the exact situation you describe, purpledreamer. I will say that the only thing that has helped me is to talk about it to my bf. He is pretty understanding of my feelings and how conflicted I am, because I really don't think his primary partner is totally down with this. I also had to let go of the idea that I am responsible for their relationship or for any problems in it. As compassionate as I feel towards his partner, it's up to her to tell him if she is would prefer to be monogamous and if that's a dealbreaker for her.

It also helps that I have another bf who keeps me busy and doesn't allow me to get too immersed in their drama.
 
Manno said:
As for what Mono said, I think that is a very radical fix to a problem, but whatever works.
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Just to clarify LOL!! There was no problem between us. It was a very bonding moment, which was enabled by our existing level of comfort. A result was a deepening level of comfort.

As people always say, to each their own. It all depends on what you want from your relationships. We seek family. We are together a lot and want our time to be completely natural and comfortable.

Threesomes would certainly not work for everyone. Redpepper seemed quite ok with it, though. ;)
 
No worries

I wasn't trying to downplay it as a viable solution, nor was I insinuating that it was a problem that needed to be solved for you. I'm in no way an expert on this situation.
 
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