My Girlfriend is Breaking Up with her Girlfriend, Help me

J

jakelly

New member
I'm very new to polyamory. I am in a relationship with a woman (Nova), who was already in a relationship with another woman (Nina) for three years. We fell in love while Nina was studying abroad (red flag, maybe?), but everything was discussed every step of the way. They were already open about being polyamorous, so after some open communication, Nova made it clear she wanted to consider us as two equal partners. Nina and I are good friends, spend lots of time together, including one night a week both sleeping at Nova's house.

Nova recently told me she is considering leaving Nina. She says she doesn't think they'd be together if my presence had not reminded Nina that she wanted to stay with Nova. But Nova is finding that she needs me more often than she needs Nina. I've tried to help Nova consider the possibility that she is just reacting to new relationship energy, that whatever minor things are weak in their relationship are just shining too brightly in me, or something like that. I love Nova, and I want to be with her, but I don't want to advise her to leave Nina. That feels dishonest and biased. I want Nova to be happy, and can't advise her. I'm afraid that if I do, and she leaves Nina, then down the road, I'll be the one resented as the homewrecker.

Someone please help. Everyone else I know has no basis of comparison.
 
I don't have advice for you, but I just wanted to let you know people ARE reading your post and someone will have something helpful to say.

Besides that, it's refreshing to read because we don't see this type of question very often on this forum.

I hope it all works out for the best.
 
The only advice I can give you is to maybe suggest to Nova a time period to wait, and see how things are going. During this time period she could, if she wanted to, make a list of reasons she has wanted to be with Nina, and reasons why she now wants to leave her. If Nova thinks things through during this time period (and it should be more than a week or two, in my opinion) then maybe she will realize what she really wants (whatever that is) and not make a hasty decision like you are afraid she will. Hope this helps.
 
The only question I would raise is about the nature of Nova. Perhaps she is more serial-monogamous than poly? Has she had successful poly relationships in the past?

It's easy to say "I am poly," but until someone has been in a successful multi-partner relationship, who knows? Is this a cycle of one new relationship replacing the older one, with a brief overlap?

Perhaps Nova needs look inward for a while.

No one wants to be the homewrecker. Trust me, I know that concern. Regardless of what people say, externally, that is what it will look like.
 
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Poly relationships are no different than any other--they form, prosper, and may dissolve. Nova is correct in that her relationship with Nina may have dissolved had you not appeared.

The only things I'd suggest are these:

First, get them together to talk about it. Yeah, that open communication thing. It still applies when it appears a relationship is dissolving. Indeed, it's as critical in the last stages of a relationship as in any other part. Negotiating a breakup is like negotiating any other part of a relationship.

Second, you're dealing with two people who will need support. Unless one of them has done something dastardly, it's best not to take sides. One is your lover who will be dealing with some grief. The other is a friend who will be dealing with some grief. Find a way to support each of them, and steadfastly refuse to take sides in the matter.
 
Ceoli said:
What makes you think that?
Click to expand...

Simply that she may not have had other poly relationships. If Nova has never known what it was to maintain two functioning relationships, then perhaps she is in fact not poly at all. Perhaps she acted poly, but is actually more serial-monogamous. What's her history? Is this the first time she experienced "trying" to maintain a multiple partner relationship?

Some people say they are monogamous when they aren't. Some people say they are poly when they aren't.
 
This can be a really sticky situation. Handle with care, love, and respect. That's my advice.

It's not your responsibility to patch up Nova's relationship with Nina, or to gird your loins for a big break-up battle. It's your responsibility to meet the situation in a direct, loving, compassionate manner, with care and respect for all parties.

Ultimately, the responsibility for the state of their relationship rests with them, but you can encourage and support open communication and loving behavior.
 
Fidelia said:
Ultimately, the responsibility for the state of their relationship rests with them, but you can encourage and support open communication and loving behavior.
Click to expand...

This, and that's all.

It isn't really for you to say what Nova does in her other relationship. If it seems she is being hasty, then that may be something to watch out for, if she starts yet another relationship, and you are the one that she may drop.

She may very well have been thinking about leaving Nina before you came along.

Perhaps she finds poly to be too much work and would far more enjoy being just with you. Who knows?

It sounds like some more communication is in order.
 
What would you do if the three of you were just best friends, had no romantic involvement, and they were having a dispute?

My recommendation is to be supportive, but leave it up to them to work it out. I would hesitate being a sounding board for either party, but that's me. Because of the closeness you share with both of them, getting involved increases the risk of your relationship with either one of them (or both) being damaged.
 
similar situation

I recently found myself in a similar situation, with my lover asking for advice about his relationship with his long-term girlfriend. I felt challenged and uncomfortable providing any advice that wasn't supportive of his relationship, as I was worried about not being unbiased. I went away and reflected on my motives, and realised I did have love and integrity at the core of my intent of giving advice. I considered that if he were a friend, not a lover, I wouldn't be worried about giving my opinion if asked. I decided that, as friendship and honesty are the basis of our relationship, then I owed it to him to be honest and give him my opinion, since he wanted it.

However, I don't plan to make a habit of this, because as much as I want to support my love, and this includes being there to help him work through life stuff (such as relationships with others), I think ultimately they must and will make decisions based on what THEY feel is best, not on the projections of others. I think from now on, I will listen if needed, but hold back my opinions and just support them to work with what THEY know.

So my advice is to let your girlfriend know you are there to support her, but also explain to her that its hard for you to provide advice, as you have a conflict as you're friends with her girlfriend. Encourage her to make whatever decision is right for her. Reassure her that she will be supported, no matter what she decides.

I think it's great you are acknowledging your conflict. You certainly don't sound like a homewrecker. You are only responsible for your relationships and friendships, and your actions, and you know when you are acting with integrity. Whether their relationship continues or ends, that is THEIR responsibility, and because of THEM, not you. Let them own the responsibility. Just trust in yourself and know that as long as you are holding love in your heart, you are doing the right thing. :)
 
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