Wife thinks that I am neglecting her in favour of my secondary. She's right.

Vin, interesting thought. Not really knowing, in this case. But to guess, I'd say that discussion probably occurred after a long period of struggle, which landed them in counseling, which forced him to articulate it that way.

The fact is that a marriage relationship that includes kids and assets is not as easy to walk away from (for most), and thus, these statements and preferences have to be vocalized. Which, you are correct, seem unnatural in the context of childhood friends.

KindaPOed, I see Mrs K likes to keep her cards close to her vest. Her user name could be inspired by you, KindaVP. Clue we just talk about it.
 
KindaPOd said:
Don't remember asking for affirmation. Just asked if I was a bad person or not. Not being a bad person doesn't necessarily make me a good person.
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KindaPOd said:
I think that, with lots of self-examination and a real willingness to feel vulnerable, you can do the inner work necessary to arrive at a place where you feel relief and being at peace with yourself, where you are no longer angry at her, and even a place where you can re-write your ideas of what marriage is "supposed to be" and be happy with that.
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Already did that years ago. That's when I reached the "weary" stage. But I guess I could reopen the flood gates.
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Oka-a-a-a-aaay. :confused: Well, I must admit, I really don't know why you came here and started this thread. It doesn't seem like a very productive or satisfying thing to join an online community just to ask if "neglecting your wife" makes you a bad person. The only answers to a yes or no question are yes or no. Big deal! We're a bunch of strangers on the internet, so why do you care if it's yes or no from us?

But when anyone here has suggested talking, looking inward, you say you've been there, done that.

Ho hum.

You say you're not angry, and the whole suspicion about whether your wife cheated is water under the bridge, although you keep mentioning it. People have said it sounds like you're being vengeful, passive-aggressive, and whatnot, and you say it's possible, but you don't seem like you're really getting anything out of this conversation.

If you want to see Julie as primary and Kate as secondary, what's stopping you? Other poly peeps have done that, and I don't really think it matters much what other people do or approve of anyway, if something feels right for your situation. It seems you already feel that way about them, so what is the problem? If it is Kate's objections, what do you need from us? We've suggested talking to her, and you say that it's all been talked out already. You might invite her here to join this discussion, but what are you looking for in doing that?

Also, have you thought about not abiding by any hierarchy and just relating to each of them as individuals, without needing a specific poly role/title?

I am wondering: what is it you really need or want from coming here and posting about this? Opinions, suggestions? What's the point? I feel like everyone has been told pretty much that they're a bit off the mark, so maybe what you really want is just to vent or blog about it and not ask for anything from us. Do you think that would be a better option here for you?
 
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dingedheart said:
Vin, interesting thought. I'd say that discussion probably occurred after a long period of struggle, which landed them in counseling, which forced him to articulate it that way.
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That's right.

nycindie said:
I am wondering: what is it you really need or want from coming here and posting about this?
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I just posted this for the same reason that (I'm guessing) most people post stuff. Trying to get different perspectives.

Does it seem like I'm brushing everyone off? 'Cause most of the posts here are good brain food for me.

Wife will be on soon.
 
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Hello, and welcome. Didn't like my idea, huh?

First question-- what did hubs leave out, forget, or won't acknowledge?
 
My hubby was thorough.

The only thing I can think of was that he moved out for 3 months when he thought I was having an affair. He admits that this wasn't the best way to handle the problems in our marriage.

I did like your idea, my dear.
 
I glad you like it, but I think you were wise not to use it, always would lead to a long and complicated story. Plus it might set the wrong tone. But it did give me a great idea for a garage band name. What do you think, SG?

How long did you date each other? How did you meet?

If I've got the timeline right in my head, you got married, and within the first 6-8 months, there was trouble. We now learn he moved out. Then you opened up the marriage.

Why did he move back in?

Why did you move back in, KindaPOed?

When and how did the child come along through this?

Do you feel poly (whatever that means)? Or, could this be situation- and event-specific? Meaning, if you had met Adam earlier, things would never turn out the way they did.

If this ends in divorce, will you try to find an additional partner? Or will things stay the same? Once your child is gone, will you feel you need to add a third?

How much time and attention do you spend with each other? What does that split look like? What did it look like at the beginning?
 
dingedheart said:
I glad you like it. But I think you were wise not to use it, always would lead to a long and complicated story. Plus it might set the wrong tone. But it did give me a great idea for a garage band name. What do think, SG?
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Due to lack of ha-ha on here (and the twitch Mags gets when we converse) I can`t repeat the train of thought it led me to. :p

So, now the OP says 'love' brought him back.

Okay. Can we skip all the guessing, and just get to the point where he forgot about love bringing him back to her? It's starting to sound like the live version of a Taylor Dane song.

OP, love brought you back, but what happened from there? You lost it in a poker game?

For the record, I don`t think you are brushing anyone off. Otherwise, I wouldn`t bother responding in this thread. However, it is VERY clear that 'something' is unresolved, for you to forgive your wife, move back in because of love, but slowly fizzle out the way you have.

Time to get dirty, and find 'it'.

As said before, we can all learn from mistakes, and be better people.
 
What happened? We seemed to have lost the Mrs.

I hope I didn't put you off with those questions. Be like everyone else and ignore them.:D

I still think Vindictive Prick is a good band name.
 
dingedheart said:
I hope I didn't put you off with those questions. Be like everyone else and ignore them.:D
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I don't know that people ignore your questions, dinged. I think you ask some good ones and people take them away and think about them. I enjoy that you wonder about people. I always see your questions as ones that people can use to answer for themselves in their own heads, rather than answer here.
 
Hello dinged!

- We dated for twelve years before we got married. We were good friends during our primary school years and beyond.

- He moved back in because he loved me.

- "When and how did the child come along through this?"

I don't understand the question. You're asking me how babies are made?

- Polyamory isn't that important to me, and neither is having any more paramours. I believe that this was situation- and event-specific.

- I would say that we dedicate around an hour or two for quality time every day. Our split looks like a split.
 
Yes. Exactly how is the stork involved, again? :)

Sorry, I didn't remember the child's age when I asked the question. I was thinking married... trouble early... hubs moved out for 3 months ... hubs moves back... family planning after or during the early stages of the rebuild? I get it now.

You said "we" dedicate an hour. Which "we," you and Adam, or you and hubs? In the other thread, you said your gf. Is she a third partner, just not listed yet?

In terms of time split, I was specifically thinking about how much time you spent with each partner in the beginning, if that's changed over the years, how that split looks today. Does your husband's shift in feelings and attitude play a part in how you allot time?
 
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Heya dinged.

"We" refers to MrPOd and I.

In terms of time split, I was specifically thinking about how much time you spent with each partner in the beginning, if that's changed over the years, and how that split looks today. Does your husband's shift in feelings and attitude does play a part in how you allot time?
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During the length of my marriage, I've been spending less time with my husband, and more time with my bf and gf. This change wasn't something that I wanted. I do think that my husband doesn't feel as strongly for me as I do for him.
 
In the beginning, did it start with you dating both, or was one added years later? How did that effect the time and attention split? Who paid the cost? Equally shared?

Would you like more time and attention from your husband, or a greater place in his heart? What are looking for from him?

Do you think he's being a vindictive prick? Is he capable of such behavior?

In the beginning, was it easy or difficult to negotiate the boundaries of this dynamic with him? Was there any trouble with violations of said boundaries?
 
In the beginning, did it start with you dating both, or was one added years later? How did that effect the time and attention split? Who paid the cost? Equally shared?
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I was initially only in a relationship with my husband. Then I started dating my bf later on. I had to work hard to create a schedule for both men. I feel that everybody in the relationship paid a cost.

Would you like more time and attention from your husband, or a greater place in his heart?
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Both.

Do you think he's being a vindictive prick? Is he capable of such behavior?
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I don't think he is doing this out of vengeance. He's never done anything out of revenge in his life. I think that he is deeply hurt.

There is a possibility that my bf is abusive, so I may not be the best judge of character.

In the beginning, was it easy or difficult to negotiate the boundaries of this dynamic with him? Was there any trouble with violations of said boundaries?
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We found it easy. The only trouble that we received was from his belief that I cheated on him.
 
I meant both-- the bf and his wife. Was the wife part of the package from the start, or was there an additional readjustment after she was added?

What are you looking for from him?
 
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