Wife's bf's wife has a cuckquean and SM setup. Dysfunctional?

Hello,

Mr is taking a break to sort his life out, so I'll try to update for him.

We're going to look into this. I disagreed with him at first, but I have come to notice that Eve doesn't seem entirely happy with the way that Adam treats her. Her communication skills have never been her strongest suit and that has lead to friction in the past. She only started opening up to me in January of last year.

I worry about her.

Thanks for your time.
 
AnnabelMore, I missed your earlier response.

We've been BDSM for almost 3 years, 24/7 for over a year, and the time in between was spent very carefully making those agreements and finding each other's limits. I'm familiar with the process, lol.

Violet's preferences, never mind limits, are quite extreme by most people's standards, even in the community. For a guy raised in a very progressive household, baby steps are best, believe me. The levels of submission and control she'd prefer make me worry sometimes. The subject of this thread made it relevant; I assure you that should the OP witness our interactions as she states she'd prefer them, he'd have more than one example for his thread. LOL!
 
Yes; but concerning the topic of this thread I would strongly urge that all people engaging in BDSM relationships (especially 24/7) would consider other people as well.

In my book, BDSM is all about consent and OP of this thread has not consented to seeing that kind of stuff. It makes him uncomfortable. So in my book it is not okay.

I've been living in D/s relationships (crappy or functional) for over 5 years of my life, so I think I know a bit about them.
 
I feel that I should point out a number of other details that Mr didn't.

Adam's marriage is not overly strong. It isn't comparable to our own marriage, but it really is in its death throes and has been for a few years now.

I was the one that initially suggested that Adam's marriage was abusive to my husband. It snowballed from there.

Adam does occasionally go against the boundaries that he and Eve have set up. As Eve and I were not that close until recently, I wasn't aware of this.
 
MrsPOd said:
Adam' marriage is not overly-strong. It isn't comparable to our own marriage, but it really is in its death throes and has been for a few years now.

I was the one that initially suggested that Adam's marriage was abusive to my husband. It snowballed from there.

Adam does occasionally go against the boundaries that he and Eve have set up.
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This doesn't throw up red flags for you? As I see it, KindaPOd has reason to be concerned.
 
MrsPOd said:
I was the one that initially suggested that Adam's marriage was abusive to my husband. It snowballed from there.

Adam does occasionally go against the boundaries that he and Eve have set up. As Eve and I were not that close until recently, I wasn't aware of this.
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Are you comfortable being with someone who you think may be abusing his other partner? Does it change things for you and him now that you know he's been crossing her boundaries?

Personally, I can't imagine feeling safe in your position, to be frank. If he does it to her, what will stop him from doing it to you some day? And what does it say about his integrity? Boundaries are there for a reason, especially in D/s. An ethical person doesn't just disregard them. They're not optional!
 
MrsPOd, this may simply be the result of reading your input on a message board instead of hearing you say things in person, but you seem rather unemotional and almost apathetic in your responses to MrPOd's threads. I find it rather alarming that you can so easily state that you thought Adam might be abusive to Eve, and that your husband's concerns "snowballed from there," as if that were no big deal. It sounds like you've given up somewhat. Is there a possibility you could be depressed?
 
I'm having a hard time understanding the issues at hand, as well. I figured there is a lot of inside baseball communication between Mrs and Mr Pod. Perhaps they can type little while still saying a lot to each other, but we can't, for lack of familiarity?

I get that what the title states; Mr Pod is disturbed by a perceived mistreatment of Eve.

Here is where I get confused. Mr Pod sees Eve being humiliated by her own husband via a better? favored? treatment towards Mrs Pod? That he says wrong things to Eve and Mrs Pod, or just Eve? If he says these things to them both, does Mr Pod only perceive that Eve is being mistreated because she witnesses the intimacies of Mrs Pod and Adam? He has seen bruises on Eve? :confused:

I can't figure out the full extent of what is going on, who it is happening to, or if the same things are being done to both women by this one guy, and whether or not Mr Pod is bothered by the treatment of both women, or just one (not his own wife).

What are these boundaries Adam keeps treading on? :confused:
Can we get some examples? :eek:
 
Vinccenzo said:
He has seen bruises on Mrs. Pod's metamour?
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Not all abuse leaves bruises. I believe KindaPOd spoke of emotional/verbal abuses witnessed publicly. I agree that specific examples might be more informative. But words, manipulations, and mind games don't leave physical traces. The damages left behind are way more than just a skin-deep bruise. Even some physical abuse doesn't leave physical evidence. The commonality is that ALL abuse sucks.

On the other hand, not all bruises are marks of abuse! If we look at bruises as evidence of abuse, then we'd overlook all the non-bruising abuse, and conflate consensual S&M practitioners with abusers.
 
ViableAlternative said:
Not all abuse leaves bruises. I believe KPO'd spoke of emotional/verbal abuses witnessed publicly. I agree that specific examples might be more informative, but words, manipulations, and mind games don't leave physical traces. The damages left behind are way more than just a skin-deep bruise. Even some physical abuses don't leave physical evidence. The commonality is that ALL abuse sucks.

On the other hand, not all bruises are marks of abuse! If we look at bruises as evidence of abuse, then we'd overlook all the non-bruising abuse, and conflate consentual S&M practitioners with abusers.
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I get that. What was making it confusing to me is if it is verbal and/or emotional only, and Mr Pod also treats his own GF Julie as primary to his secondary wife Kate, what is the element troubling him in regards to what he sees happening with Adam's marriage? I was trying to figure out if it is just that Eve witnesses Adam having sex with Kate, making everything else seem worse? Mrs Pod (Kate) isn't being treated the same by him emotionally because she doesn't watch him with Julie. I can't guess.
 
MrsPOd said:
Eve doesn't seem entirely happy with the way that Adam treats her. Her communication skills have never been her strongest suit.
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All the more reason I think you should not give up on this issue.

MrsPOd said:
Adam's marriage is not overly-strong. It is in its death throes and has been for a few years now.
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I'm wondering if this part of the reason why their marriage is on the rocks.

MrsPOd said:
Adam does occasionally go against the boundaries that he and Eve have set up.
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I assume you mean D/s boundaries, not poly boundaries?

How is your relationship with Eve? I assume you are not a triad, but rather you are dating them both separately?
 
"Are you comfortable being with someone who you think may be abusing his other partner?"

No.

"MrsPOd, you seem rather unemotional and almost apathetic in your responses to your husband's threads. "

I find it hard to convey emotion in typed-up form. I don't think I'm depressed, but this is a very sad situation to be in. I feel the same as Kinda. It's wearing me out.

"I'm having a hard time understanding the issues at hand."

We're both worried that Eve is being emotionally abused.

"I assume you mean D/s boundaries, not poly boundaries?

How is your relationship with Eve? I assume you are not a triad, but rather you are dating them both separately?"

Both D/s and poly boundaries. The reason that KindaPOd brought up cuckqueaning was because there were times (during threesomes that Eve watched) where I felt that Eve wasn't entirely happy about what she was seeing. Because I could never get her to open up, I assumed that this was part of their play. And that's what Adam told me.

I'm dating them both separately.

"Can we get some examples?"

I'll give an example so that you get some idea.

Adam is insulting and physically dominating at home. Eve likes this. Adam is insulting and physically dominating to Eve around my MrPOd, and Eve doesn't like this. He does it anyway.
 
MrsPOd,

I really hope both you and your husband find some of the responses helpful. If there is even one gem in all the advice, it will be worth it.

I know all the questions probably get tiresome, but the situation you are in, seems to have that 'onions, therefore lots of layers' quality.

Hang in there, both of you.
 
MrsPOd said:
I'll give an example so that you get some idea.

Adam is insulting and physically dominating at home, and Eve likes this. Adam is insulting to and physically dominating of Eve around my husband, and Eve doesn't like this. Adam does it anyway.
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Not only do I agree with another poster that this is akin to having sex in front of other people who have not agreed to watch, it is also happening against her will, and hence is doubly not okay. Has KindaPod told them that he does not wish to witness them interacting that way?
 
"Has KindaPOd told them that he does not wish to witness them interacting that way?"

No.

What he has told me is that he is only concerned with Eve's welfare. He isn't bothered with BDSM play if it's on a healthy level, and neither am I.

Is anyone here surprised to learn that my husband doesn't get along with my paramours and vice versa?
 
HappiestManAlive said:
I've seen BDSM relationships work because one party was flat out abusive - and the other party liked it enough that it didn't matter. In an instance like this, the narcissist/codependent dynamic can function. 🤷
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It does matter.

Abuse is never okay.

Abuse in a BDSM relationship is no more acceptable than abuse in a vanilla relationship. Possibly even less so because of the way abusive people can take advantage of the submissive's predisposition and ignorance to make them think the abuse is something that every submissive has to endure in order to get the gratification they crave.

If it's abuse and not negotiated play, then it's not the thing that the submissive partner likes. It's a variation of "No one else will have you, so even though I'm abusive, you can't leave me, or else you'll be alone."

Now, if it is part of their play, I have mixed feelings about asking them not to do it in front of me. On the one hand, it's fine to tell your friends if they do something that makes you uncomfortable. But from there, it's the friend's decision whether to respect your boundaries or not.

For many people, the thrill of doing it in public, of roleplaying the abuser-abused relationship in front of strangers, is exactly what makes it so exciting. Is it something I want to see? Not particularly. Is it something I want kids to see? Hellz no. But there's no law against it, and it's a slippery slope deciding how much you limit people's freedom. Maybe he really hates that red shirt you wear, but does that mean he has the right to tell you not to wear that shirt around him?
 
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