Odd dilemma

[maxavs]

Hello,

Although I am not new to polyamory, I am new to this forum, mostly because I have created an odd Catch 22 of sorts.

My wife Bella and I have been together for four years. We were each other's first loves. After 26 years of not even seeing each other, we reconnected.

Two years ago, we opened our relationship to others. At that time, we were very strong as a couple and were very intimate with each other, making love almost every day of the week, sometimes more than a couple times a day.

At first, things were going awesome with being open. We both communicated about our others. We even had a threesome with one of her boyfriends. Usually, after coming home from spending time with one or the other of her boyfriends, it would seem like Bella wanted me even more.

Then I made the mistake of hiding a threesome with a gf and a bf I had.

We started pulling apart a little. After six months of being open, I was craving more time with Bella, because even though my others were fun, and I enjoyed them, none of them could replace the time I needed with her. I told her that I was going to stop seeing others because it was taking time I wanted with her.

She stated she was angry with me for starting "the poly thing" in the first place, and wasn't going to stop seeing her others. I was okay with that, as I was not going to be seeing anyone and would be able to spend more time with her.

Well, since I stopped the poly thing, she has become very much less interested in the sexual aspect of our relationship. Now we only have sex once or twice a month. She still has contact with her others, although she says she hasn't been with them since I "closed" my part of the relationship. They tell each other often how much they miss time with each other, and she hasn't stopped loving them.

Although there is no one else I have ever been with that makes me feel the way she does, I am craving the passion and sexuality I am now missing. I would rather be with her than anyone, but I am no longer able to be with her in the same way we were.

Thinking that her lack of sexual desire is because she can't have her others, I have told her she should see her others.

I have thought about inviting one of them over, as a surprise, for a night of fun, to possibly kick her desire back into gear.

I guess I don't know what to do. I need Bella, and crave her. I miss sex. I am thinking about others again to fill the missing space. I am cool with Bella being with others, especially if she wants me.

I am looking for ideas. I am at my wits' end, confused and frustrated. Any help would be appreciated. Thanks.

 

[redpepper]

Thinking that her lack of sexual desire is because she can't have her others, I have told her she should see her others. I have thought about inviting one of them over as a surprise, for a night of fun, to possibly kick her desire back into gear.

This is not a good idea, I don't think. If I were her, I would be very angry if someone did that to me. It would make things worse rather than better. I am not a sexual object that has to be convinced to have sex. I either want it or I don't. I think I would feel as if I weren't considered at all in a decision like that. Blah, total turn off.

I feel for you. My husband is bearing the brunt of something similar. I love him dearly, and sex with him is great, but I only want it every now and then. Maybe once a month? I am okay with this, but I know he isn't. I spent some time just doing it anyway, and that made me resentful, so now I only have sex with him if I want to. He prefers that also, as he didn't want to feel I was doing it for him.

It's tricky; I have other partners that I have sex with too, and that is part of it. My sexual appetite comes and goes... I just go with it. My husband knows he is free to find other lovers and is avidly doing so, but no one has come up that is interesting yet. He took a year off of looking for another partner and now is back at it again.

We have been polyamorous our whole relationship-- 14 years. I know that things cycle. There have been times when he is only interested in men and I am not interesting to him (and vice versa). There have been times where we only want to play together. There have been times when he is deep in NRE with a gf, and I sit and just go along with it. There have been times, such as now, where I have lots of loves, and he has none, and he is not getting laid as much. We keep checking in to see how we are doing, and as long as the love is there, and happiness in our family, we don't worry about it too much.

For us, it's usually related to lack of connection and getting on spending time together. Maybe you should think of doing some nice things for her that she would like. Make some nice date nights or something. Follow her "love languages" (you can do a search here for that term) and get on showing her you love her and see where that gets you, rather than planning some sex play that coerces her into having sex with you.

 

[maxavs]

Showing love

Well, I do show her I love her every day, and I think I hit most of her love languages. I wake her up telling her how much I love her. I make and bring coffee to her every morning. (I don't drink coffee myself.) I send texts and note telling her often. I do everything I can to make our home happy. I cleaning the house, and do the wash fairly often. I massage her feet almost every night. (She's on them all day.) I love to touch and caress her, even when I know it won't lead to sex. One of the main reasons I closed my side of the relationship is so I could spend more quality time with her.

Right now our relationship is closed on both sides. I am missing sex terribly. I need passionate attention. How would I or should I bring up the idea of opening up our relationship again without hurting her?

 

[IndieSolo]

Right now, our relationship is closed on both sides, I am missing sex terribly. I need passionate attention. How would I or should I bring up the idea of opening up our relationship again without hurting her?

I think your focus is misplaced. Instead of asking her to open up your relationship again, talk to her about how you miss the physical intimacy and ask her what you can do that could possibly rekindle what you had before, or how to bring something new. Ask her if she wants to be open again, or if there is something else she might want-- maybe more dates with you, or going to therapy together, or even just you remaining patient, because her seeming lack of desire might not have anything to do with you or your marriage being open.

Women can tend to have a very mental connection to their sex lives. We think a lot, and sometimes when our minds are preoccupied, or we are stressed, we just don't want sex. You seem very intent finding out how she can meet your needs, but if I were you, I would just try to open a dialogue with her and see what she needs.

You could ask her if she wouldn't mind being there with you while you pleasure yourself, even if she doesn't want to participate. She could embrace you while you jerk off. That can be very intimate.

 

[wildflowers]

I agree with both Redpepper and NYCindie, while also recognizing that this situation is hard for you. My husband has had to deal with similar issues.
Pushing her is likely to backfire. Of course you can acknowledge what you want/need, but she is not obligated to fill that need, and pressure is likely to make her feel resentful.

I was struck by your statement "thinking that her lack of desire is because..." in that it seemed like you might not have actually asked what's behind the change. It seems like this is a good place to start a conversation.

Also, the idea of, "angry about the starting the poly thing in the first place"-- have you two resolved this? How good is your communication and trust right now? Are there more walls up and less openness than there used to be, on either or both sides?

 

[Magdlyn]

I agree with both Redpepper and NYCindie, while also recognizing that this situation is hard for you. My husband has had to deal with similar issues.
Pushing her is likely to backfire. Of course you can acknowledge what you want/need, but she is not obligated to fill that need, and pressure is likely to make her feel resentful.

I was struck by your statement "thinking that her lack of desire is because..." in that it seemed like you might not have actually asked what's behind the change. It seems like this is a good place to start a conversation.

Also, the idea of, "angry about the starting the poly thing in the first place"-- have you two resolved this? How good is your communication and trust right now? Are there more walls up and less openness than there used to be, on either or both sides?

I am also curious as to why the rift started in the first place. Sigh... this is a very old thread. The OP didn't seem to really acknowledge how their disconnect started when he, for some unnamed reason, "hid a threesome" he had with a gf and bf of his.

Also, it wasn't addressed how or why Bella was angry that he seemingly pushed polyamory on her when they opened. It sounded like she did it to please him, and then he went ahead and cheated on her anyway (hiding the threesome with his OSOs).

And one more issue is, was this really polyamory? I don't see "love" being mentioned with their other partners, just sex. The OP seemed to withdraw from casual sex with others, not serious committed relationships, because he wanted to spend more intimate, romantic AND sexual time with his wife. But by that time, she'd pulled away from him sexually, for undisclosed reasons.

The fact that he thought he'd "surprise" her by inviting one of her former lovers over for sex is quite disturbing, and must be part of the pattern of lack of insight and understanding.

It's too bad this thread never came to a satisfying conclusion.

 

[kdt26417]

I think what's needed here is a marriage that is open for both spouses. Also counseling is needed, for the difficulty Bella is having about forgiving maxavs regarding his hiding a threesome. I think that's what's damaging their sex life.