feeling lost and looking for guidance

L

lost

New member
Background:

I have had a few romantic interests over the years. As a grade schooler, I fell for a girl that I only met three times. We never kissed, but we would run off and hide together, smiling, giggling, hugging, holding hands and laughing. I was terrified and looked forward to it at the same time. In high school a cute girl asked me out. I held her hand that 1st day after school, but was too nervous to make out with her, despite being invited to her house when her parents weren't home. (I kick myself for this) She broke up with me that same evening. In college a girl in one of the easy computer classes had a fancy for me, but I didn't feel a spark.

Five years later I found the most wonderful girl on the planet. We had gone to high school together, but I was a few grades older and our paths didn't cross, despite her having eyes for me. Fortunately, she was friends with my brother, who arranged our 1st date. After two years of living together, we got married and lived happily ever after, for a while. However, while in my mind we were happily ever after, she was allowing a lot of things to fester. At some point, I knew things weren't right, but my attempts to fix them were misdirected. I was treating symptoms (fixing things, cleaning things, making things) without discussing the cause.

Recently we have been seeing a marriage councilor. Maybe some day will find happily ever after, again, this time for both of us.

The Issue:

I am a clumsy lover who shies away from unfamiliar territory, ESPECIALLY if I find it interesting. My wife had interpreted this odd behavior as disinterest (I can't blame her), and has spent quite a while sexually frustrated. Before she was married, she was in the experimental stages of exploring bondage and involved in an established polyamorous relationship. When our communication crisis broke through the surface, it became clear that these were two things my love desperately missed.

My First Opinion

She is the love of my life (how monogamous of me), and I need her to be happy. If that means that she needs additional partners, then she should have them. If that means she has outgrown me and it's time for her to move on, then she needs to. I only wish I were as strong.

My Second Opinion

I'm scared. I practically lost her, and on some level I know she loathes me for what led up to marriage counseling. This has manifested itself in her spending multiple nights a week out with friends, while I am not invited. It includes an evening at a BDSM party, that I thought would be an `us' activity, when she wanted a `her' activity, and a party that, trying to pick up on subtle hints, I did not attend, where she fisted a cute submissive (bdsm) girl that she seems to want to keep to herself. I can't compete with all the strangers and I'm going to lose her. In theory, my First Opinion says this is okay if it makes her happy. However, in reality, it makes me cry.

My Third Opinion

I'm excited about the possibility of US having polyamorous relationships, where we find mutual lovers that we can share. This sounds like a great way for me to shatter some of my social anxieties, throw away fear and embrace love for humanity. (Wow, I can sound corny)

Additionally, on some level, she wants me to embrace this lifestyle, as she feels that because she is the only woman I have slept with, I have `placed her on a pedestal.' I want to be her equal.

My Fourth Opinion

I am strong enough to be in a relationship where I am monogamous and she is polyamorous. I just have to convince myself that I am so strong. Because of my social anxiety issues, this is probably where we start.

Conclusion:

Please help! I'm feeling overwhelmed. Any opinions, guidance, and feedback are much appreciated.
 
I'm sorry, my friend. I don't know what to say. But I want you to know your story touches me and I hope you find peace, no matter what direction that takes you. Take care.

Sincerely,
Mono
 
Where to start? Well, my dear, you start by strengthening YOURSELF. Look at yourself and find your good points. If necessary, ask her what she likes most about you.

Identify yourself (and her). Is she a Dom? Are you a sub? It sounds like maybe you are. If so, how PERFECT.

Look her in the eyes and tell her you want her to dominate you and you will follow her lead, then obey. Let her take you to a BDSM party as her sub and let her make you do as she wishes.

I say this because you said you liked the idea of being poly yourself. (I wouldn't say this to Mono, for example.) But if you trust her, and you love her, and she loves you, just do it. Great chance to open up to new things and let her pick them.
 
I'm thinking that for this part: "Shatter some of my social anxieties, throw away fear and embrace love for humanity," you will need to do more on your own.

It sounds like she dislikes your seeming clinginess and wimpiness. I'm not trying to be mean, but as it seems by what you write, you need to get out and do your own thing more, and trust that she will not disappear. You know the saying, "Set someone free and they will come back to you"? Well, that's where I'm going.

I'm not saying that you shouldn't have boundaries, however! Geesh, you'd better, or it will make your head explode. But you have to be very willing to compromise. Asking to share whom she meets, for example, does not seem like an option. She seems to want something for herself, and so she should. What could you be okay with around that?

Speaking from experience, she seems to be on the rollercoaster ride that is at the start of some poly relationships. I did it, and a lot of women I know do it, or have done it. That is, we get our okay to go out into the world after feeling shut in, uncomfortable, depressed, lonely, misunderstood, and somewhat shackled to house, child, husband, job, etc. I'm not saying that she is feeling that way, or has felt that way in entirety, but it is a good possibility.

It doesn't mean that she doesn't love you, just that she wants some of her own back. She wants to feel her body again, feel others, have excitement, find out what is going on in the world that she missed out on, be desirous and desired. All that fun stuff that looks like she doesn't love you anymore and is a bit crazy.

I have suggested it before, but still say it-- go and work on yourself. If you want to stay in her loop, then figure out what YOU have been missing and do it. My husband decided to do some self improvement in the way of reading self-help books to raise his self esteem. I can't keep up with him now. He has changed so much. I find that very appealing and exciting and sexy! He took it upon himself to not hunker down at home, but go out and find his own friends and own partners that are just for him. I love hearing about them and what is going on in his life, because it is HIS life. I just happen to share in it.

You really do need to go through the emotions you are feeling, first. It is no different than any of us here first starting out. Have a good long read on these forums and take comfort in the fact that you are not alone. There are a million posts on here that are similar.

Feel the feelings, talk to your wife about them, and then ask her questions about what is going on for her. Try not to lose it when she answers you. Ask her to be completely honest and open. There is no other way to get through this intact, otherwise. Then try and figure out where YOU want to go next.

Good luck!
 
I've posted this before, but have a read. It gives some practical tips on how to be a secure person. It's work though.

http://www.xeromag.com/fvpolypiano.html

Also, have you been in therapy, or are you considering therapy for just yourself? You might also consider seeing a practitioner of Neuro-Linguistic Programming. Some of that stuff can be very good about changing the script you tell yourself in your head. Clearly, right now, your inner script to yourself is designed to keep you down.

And lastly:

lost said:
I'm excited about the possibility of US having polyamorous relationships, where we find mutual lovers that we can share. This sounds like a great way for me to shatter some of my social anxieties, throw away fear and embrace love for humanity.
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This is a HUGE red flag to me. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE do not consider poly relationships or other people you're in relationships with as TOOLS to solve your own inner problems! It will only end in pain for everyone. None of that magical awakening or throwing away fear is going to happen if you haven't already dealt with it inside yourself first. An insecure person is going to feel insecure, regardless of how much their partner bends over to make sure they feel secure. In fact, insecurities usually blow up and grow in such situations, even MORE SO if you're in a poly relationship.

NOBODY is going to break the cycle for you. NO RELATIONSHIP is going to break the cycle for you. The only way the cycle can be broken is if you own the fact that you are the only one keeping it going, and then take the necessary steps to own the fact that you are perfectly capable of changing it.
 
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lost said:
Please help! I'm feeling overwhelmed. Any opinions, guidance, feedback much appreciated.
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I'll suggest buying a copy of Ten Days to Self Esteem. It's a workbook (It takes more than ten days to actually work through it). From what you've written, I'm guessing that workbook will do you a lot of good.
 
MonoVCPHG said:
It is a great tool and obviously very diverse in its application.
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Music AND Combat? Chain me gently with a &^$% saw. Now I have to look more stuff up again!

Lost: Ceoli brings up a very good point, which should be heeded. If you have issues to resolve with yourself, other people cannot fix them for you. You need to do that for yourself. And as you've already discovered, there's no point bandaging the symptoms. You have to dig deep for the root.
 
Thank you everyone for your insights. It feels good to have gotten some of this off my chest and I'm glad I posted here.

redpepper, your perspective seems so applicable to where we are right now. You're very right, and I plan to read through as many of the forums as I can.

Ceoli, thank you for the article! These are my new marching orders. It's so true that I have spent a lifetime building up fears, and it makes no sense to continue on that path. I know it will be hard, but it's time for me to start confronting and disassembling the fears that have been driving my life. Having committed to this new path, I already feel like a new person!

SeventhCrow, Ten Days to Self Esteem sounds like a great investment. I'll be checking it out ASAP.
 
lost said:
I have spent a lifetime building up fears and it makes no sense to continue on that path... it's time for me to start confronting and disassembling the fears that have been driving my life. Having committed to this new path, I already feel like a new person!
Click to expand...

Isn't it amazing to realize something about yourself and then have the excitement about having a goal to change it? I was like that about my fear of being alone. It's almost like starting a new class at school that you are really interested in. Remember to love the process as much as getting there, though.

Here is a book list. Thanks, Seventhcrow, for the one you suggested. My husband wants to know the author, as he wants to buy it. It's right up his alley.

  • "Living Happily Ever After" Marsha Sinetar
  • "Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway" Susan Jeffers (the title of this book has become a family saying now)
  • "The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People" Stephen R. Covey

Hope this helps. You sound so much like my husband and where he was at. I have a soft spot for you because of that. I wish you the best of luck, as does he. :)
 
Life is better. Marriage counseling was great for getting communication started. I continue to work on my issues with the counselor. Additionally, life has taken an unexpected turn. Although my wife still feels poly, she has not been actively seeking a partner, as our relationship is more satisfying than it used to be for her. I think this could be a red flag of sorts, and will just keep communication going.

An unexpected twist-- another girl and I have been talking about 'What's this open relationship business?' It turns out she was crushed when I got married, and we're both excited to hang out and see what develops between us. Additionally, I'm excited to introduce her to my wife and see how the three of us get along.

This is not how I saw life progressing. I figured I'd have a lot of personal development going on, addressing co-dependency, self image, and anxiety issues while my wife explored dating, etc. This new direction is exciting. However, it's also scary. Note the red flag above. Was my wife acting out her dissatisfaction with our relationship, and started our journey in this direction for the wrong reasons? There's a lot more discussions to have before getting too much deeper. This may sound bad, but it's nice feeling like I'm in control of the pace. Things were developing way too fast for me before.
 
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