Is this for me?

J

jakester

New member
I've been in a monogamous marriage for 8 years now, which looks like it's coming to a painful end. My 'wife' has suggested that perhaps polyamory could be a solution to what ails us. I'll try to be brief. Sorry if I get into a ramble here.


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A bit of history

Our marriage has always been difficult, but of course there were some great times and deep love. She has been one to get drunk and do really crazy and often mean things. She tends to be an angry drunk. This was always heart-wrenching to me. Still, I'm an artist and not prone to being completely grounded myself. We both have our issues.

Monogamous relationships always left me feeling trapped. It just never felt natural to only be with one person. I always felt that way until I fell in love with my current wife, who was actually my first love. I went through a period where I wasn't sexually attracted to other women for the first time in my life.

Then one night, we got into a fight, I took the engagement ring off her finger, and she went out and had sex with someone. It left me heartbroken and devastated. I had always felt that someone cheating on me was about the worst thing that could happen. Though I never felt comfortable in monogamous relationships, I had never cheated on a girlfriend.

After a lot of pain, I took her back. But after this, I was back to feeling attracted to other women again.

We have 2 children. They are 1 and 5 years old.

Sometimes it seemed we had a strong marriage. Sometimes we were falling apart. We both have some pretty flawed things going on between us, regarding how much we can support each other's goals. So there are issues there of the fabric. Still, we both have feelings for each other. I am still haunted by the thought that this is all wrong, that despite all the flaws, we are supposed to be together.

Also, in the past 2 years we went from being financially prosperous to bankrupt. It's been very hard, and our already semi-strong marriage broke in two.


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Currently

We have been apart for about 5 months now, still married, but not living together. I am in another city to fix finances.

She called me yesterday and told me she had sex with another guy just to stop hurting from the break up, but that she didn't enjoy it and only wanted to be with me.

Then she sends me an email saying she'd be open with a poly, which she had suggested before, because she knows I have a problem with monogamy. I refused because of my jealousy issues. Yeah, I have no problem with me 'going out', but I do with her. Pretty hypocritical, huh?

And I haven't been faithful to her. In fact, she had even said at one point that it would be ok if I had relationships with other women. She's very open like this. She could also be open to a 3-way marriage, and has said so. She can get into other women. Later she clarified to say she would only be open to me having other relations if she could too. We've been stuck there.

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To poly or not to poly?

I tend to feel very jealous at this thought. When I think about why, it seems to go to a deep-seeded 'must protect the space' kind of feeling. It is my feeling as a man to 'protect family, protect everyone's space.' which has got to be natural. So, when there is another guy in the picture I feel that the space that I am suppose to protect is invaded. I feel less of a man.

On the other hand, I also clearly see and feel the viewpoint 'why limit love?' If there is love and happiness to be had, why in the world would that be a bad thing? People should be able to have all they can. Life is short. She has an ability to not be jealous and has said 'whatever makes you happy' when it comes to this. I'm kinda envious of her openness!

And, although I do feel jealousy, some small part is actually turned on by the whole idea. But then I retract because of the instinctual reaction.

The only negative thing I can see with poly is the issue of pregnancy. What happens if someone gets pregnant? What happens if someone doesn't take responsibility for that? The other people are left with all the responsibility, while this 'other person' might not ever show up to give to the situation what is their part.

Part of me doesn't want to be in the relationship, because she can get pretty vindictive, mean, and stifling when she is angry or drinking. The anger, as she states, comes from me feeling 'distant.' I feel distant because of the monogamy issue, and because I don't feel quite safe opening up to her. So we have a Catch 22 there. She's crazy because I'm distant, but I'm distant because she's crazy... Oh man.


Part of me still loves her and I absolutely wants to be with my kids. I am considering poly as a resolution here. If I could do this and not feel such jealousy, or 'less of a man,' then it would probably work out. Is the solution for me to work through jealousy issues and have a poly relationship? Or, just move on, because I have been pretty hurt by this person, and actually don't know if this is a real solution.

Has anyone out there been in this kind of a situation? Is the whole problem that monogamy is unnatural to begin with?
 
Firstly, you left your kids with her? She sounds really unfit when she is drunk. That is scary to me. What kind of protection do your kids have when she is like that?

It sounds like the two of you each have issues to work out before being with anyone else. Your primary relationship with yourself is in need of work, it looks like, then your relationship with her. Starting there seems like your best chance at later success.

Usually someone that "doesn't feel like a man" or feels jealous even though they are doing whatever they want, has some self-worth and self-esteem issues. Being threatened like that when you are doing whatever you want is just hypocritical. Looking at what it is that threatens you and creates fear for you when she sleeps with other men might be a good place to start. What do you feel when you do this? Is your love different after? She is likely feeling similarly. Empathize, and attempt to walk in her shoes, to see what she might be feeling, and to see if you can change how you feel about it.

Personally, it seems to me that you are done in this relationship and need to concentrate on yourselves now. Please don't bring other people into your craziness and think it will work out. Maybe being open and just doing your own thing would be better. Sharing a lover in your state would be destructive and unhealthy to that unsuspecting person and that isn't fair. No one deserves that, and the two of you seem unfit to be able to handle what comes up in your own relationship, let alone one with another person added. It's like having a kid to solve marital issues-- doesn't work.

This isn't likely what you want to hear, but its my two cents, based on what you have said. Good luck.
 
Yes, I had to leave the kids with her. I was unable to get anything done to help our situation, as there was constant fighting. The financial situation is really at heart of a lot of the current issues.

Since she had kids, the drinking issue became less, but still exists to a degree. Also, you've never seen someone handle kids as beautifully as she can. It's true that I have some issues with her in general, but the love is still there. Is any relationship perfect?

The reason I brought this to this forum is the consideration that perhaps the real problem between us is the simple fact of being in a mono relationship. True, there are other issues, but who's to say those can't be worked out somehow? And, could it be that not being in a polyamorous relationship is the root of a lot of problems?

We are not poly right now. She slept with these 2 other men while we had troubles. So I have felt betrayed, although I can see where she is coming from, and it does make it less painful.

The thought of entering a polyship does make me feel jealous. If I were to say why, it would probably be something like 'someone else has come and taken what is mine'. Is that possessiveness, or a tendency away from polyamory?
 
jakester said:
My 'wife' has suggested that perhaps polyamory could be a solution to what ails us.
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Sorry, I haven't read your entire post, but had to respond to this sentence as soon as I read it. Polyamory is not a cure-all for bad marriages or failing relationships. In fact, it would likely make everything worse. A relationship needs to have a strong, loving, healthy foundation upon which you can incorporate polyamory. Managing multiple relationships is challenging, time-consuming, and a real balancing act; nobody should be attempting to add more relationships to one that is on a downward trajectory. A relationship that is often "falling apart" and full of drama simply can't support living polyamorously. It should be quite obvious that "relationship broken, add people" is a very wrong-headed approach.
 
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nycindie said:
Polyamory is not a cure-all for bad marriages or failing relationships. In fact, it would likely make everything worse. A relationship needs to have a strong, loving, healthy foundation upon which you can incorporate polyamory. Managing multiple relationships is challenging, time-consuming, and a real balancing act; nobody should be attempting to add more relationships to one that is on a downward trajectory. A relationship that is often "falling apart" and full of drama simply can't support living polyamorously. It should be quite obvious that "relationship broken, add people" is a very wrong-headed approach.
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I am totally in agreement with this. We might be entering into a polyamorous relationship with another couple, not because we're not satisfied with each other, on the contrary, our love for each other is very deep and we are very confident of each other. The other couple whom we are considering are also like us. The reason we're considering this is only to expand our love and share it with another couple. If we had no confidence in each other, polyamory would not be an option.
 
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I also agree with NYCindie. As soon as I started reading the, post and got to that line, my answer was "Nope. Nuh-uh. No way." Polyamory is never a solution to anything. Polyamory will take any problems you have and put them under a giant magnifying glass.

As a poly-wired person, it has always been critical for me that my existing relationship(s) be on 100% solid ground. The way I'm wired, if my other relationships have problems, I want to fix those. The idea of starting another relationship when my current one is in trouble does not even occur to me.

The trade-off is that when my existing relationship(s) are good and grounded, then when I meet a new person, it also magnifies all the awesomeness in my life.

The analogy I use is: starting a second relationship when your first one is in trouble is like building a 2nd floor addition on your house when the foundation is crumbling and the basement is full of cracks. What would Holmes say?

You can't do monogamy. I get it. That's cool. Neither can I. Polyamory is a solution to that, for yourself, in your life. I 100% guarantee it will NOT fix any problems in your marriage.

You will definitely have to deal with your hypocrisy, though. It's just not cool to give yourself freedoms that you're not willing to share with others.
 
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First off: if things are broken, fix them first. Adding extra partners to a fucked-up painful and unhealthy situation doesn't ever help things, it just makes the bad things more complicated.

As far as poly goes, would YOU date you or her in your current situation?

Think about it as a pickup line from a 3rd party. Just saying, if it sounds bad to you, how would it sound to someone else?
 
Alleycat said:
First off, if things are broken, fix them first. Adding extra partners to a fucked-up, painful and unhealthy situation doesn't ever help things, it just makes the bad things more complicated.

As far as poly goes, would YOU date you or her in your current situation?

Think about it as a pickup line from a 3rd party. Just saying, if it sounds bad to you, how would it sound to someone else?
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This is indeed another important aspect to consider. Whoever either of you got involved with would have an enormous burden placed on them, as you would both be hoping that they would magically make things better for you. No one in their right mind would want to take that on. Everyone wants to enter into healthy situations where their needs would be met, not where they had to navigate around two people fighting in a fucked-up dynamic.
 
I can attest to what the others are saying from the point of the secondary. I entered into a triad situation with a couple who *thought* they were rock solid. I had no reason to disbelieve them. And they themselves believed it. However, the addition of me into their mix exposed the cracks in what they thought was a solid foundation. They are still working through the shit, and I am on my own again.

From my perspective, it was very painful to ultimately be rejected in spite of understanding why it had to be that way, and it's been very painful to see how hurt they both are, and that it may take years for them to rebuild what they *thought* they had. (I keep thinking, hell, if we aren't going to be together, then I would feel better if at least they were happy. But they aren't. Worst possible outcome, imo.)

So when you're talking about bringing other people into your shit ~ shit you are well aware of (unlike my couple) ~ then you've got to realize what you may be subjecting the outside party to.
 
nycindie said:
Ooooohhhh, I love Mike Holmes. I've had more erotic dreams about him... I've even woken up from them panting heavily. Haha! Just had to say that.

Sorry for the tangent. Back to the OP...
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LOL. If I duct-tape him, kidnap him, and hand-deliver him to you, do you promise to keep him in the States? :p

As for the topic, I`m interested in what others have to say on this. I can`t get past I took the ring off her finger,' and the hypocrisy.

Having had an ex who was a very angry drunk, I think my opinion is a little too sharp.
 
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