My boyfriend is upset, can you overcome jealousy issues?

[dingedheart]

Brid, I didn't call him a babysitter. I was describing the service provided. And I think that his effort and commitment are higher than most in his age group... actually a compliment. I'll do a quick poll of young men, and you do the same, and see what's more typical.

My point is if this bothers him enough to ask, he should know the truth, as unpleasant as it might be for him to hear, so he can decide how he wants to proceed. As you said, your husband had to hear the same thing and is fine.

 

[IndieSolo]

I didn't call him a babysitter. I was describing the service provided.

Just curious-- do you call it "babysitting" and a "service provided" when a mother stays home with her kid?

 

[dingedheart]

NYCindie, you love semantic arguments. You're not going to back me up on this.

Child age is the factor on babysitting vs kid watching. I've used both in reference to myself when someone has called and asked if I wanted to go do something on a Saturday and I was charged with said care. So, I got a call to play a round of golf and then I call the 14-yr old girl down the street to do what? And she earns money doing this service, which is called what? And she refers to this service when talking to friends and family and potential clients as what?

No one can or should second guess the bf's motivation for anything he's doing. Only he knows.

 

[km34]

Just curious-- would you call it "babysitting" and a "service provided" when a mother stays home with her kid?

If my opinion matters in this battle of semantics, I only call it babysitting when I get paid for it. If I volunteer or if I do it as an act of love, it is just taking care of a kid that I care about.

This from a woman who has spent the last 12 years of her life earning most of her money by providing childcare. lol

 

[Aurelie26]

So, over the weekend, Geoff and I have had a few frank and honest chats about our relationship, and my relationship with Ewan. We promised that we would be honest with each other during these discussions, and we have been. It's been tough.

I knew this wasn't going to be easy, and it has not been. There have been some tears from the both of us, but I'm glad to say that there have also been lots of hugs, as well. We have not argued, and he didn't storm out. We have been able to talk it through. It has been very hard for me to be honest with him about some of the stuff he has asked me, but I think I have done okay.

He has told me that he does not want me to feel that I have to give Ewan up, although he did say that he can't promise that he will always feel this way. We are going to work on his jealousy problems together. There is a lot of stuff just to put into one post, but I will try. Don't know where to start, though...

Well, first off, I knew that Geoff was hurt by Ewan and me going away for a weekend together. I had no idea just how hard he took this. He told me that while I was away, he gave serious thought to ending our relationship when I got back. He says that it was the first time he had asked me not to do something with Ewan, the first time he felt very uncomfortable with what was happening, and even though he made this clear, I went anyway. He says that I just dismissed him, and his thoughts, and his feelings, and put Ewan before him, us, and our family. He said that this hurt him a lot, and it still upsets him even now, and he is still angry about it.

I have told him how sorry I am, and have promised him that I will never do this again, and that if anything comes up that is important for us as a couple, or as a family, I will put this first, even if it is on one of the nights that I put aside for Ewan. We have set this as a boundary.

He has told me that I need to respect his desire to be faithful to me. He has told me that he loves me very much, more than he thought was ever possible for him to love anyone. He says that he respects the fact that I told him from the start of my need to be with someone else as well as him. It is, however, something that he himself cannot do, has no desire to do. It annoys him that I have continually tried to persuade him to do otherwise.

I then annoyed him further by suggesting that we might try to find him a similar relationship to the one I have with my lover. He was angry, and told me that he only wants to love me, that he only wants sex with me and nobody else. He says I'm to stop with the constant innuendos about other women.

He then informed me that he had only been with two women in the year we have been together. He says he tried to have an open relationship, but knew after the first two attempts that it wasn't for him. He found it uncomfortable and embarrassing on both occasions. I'm ashamed that I put him into a situation where he felt he had to lie to me. All the time I thought he was on dates, he was out with his friends. This is another boundary we have set. I have to accept that he is mono in our relationship.

He says that he wants us to be together long term. I told him I want the same. But he finds it difficult to look to the future the way we are. He wants us to give Max a brother or sister. He says that this means a lot to him. He thinks that this is not possible the way we are at the moment, and that if I were to fall pregnant in our current situation, it would be the end of our relationship right there. I assured him that I am very, very careful, and that I to want to have another child at some point, and that the only person I want a child with, is him. I'm not ready yet though, and I told him this. I've promised him that we will try at some point in the future, and that we will do what we have to do to make sure that there is no chance of anyone but him being the father. I told him that I can't imagine anyone else as the father to a child of mine, and that includes Max. I've told him that he is Max's dad, as far as both Max and I am concerned, and that I love him so much for making Max and me so happy.

I asked him how he really feels about my relationship with Ewan. He says that he believes me when I tell him that I love him, Geoff, more, and that he is more important to me than Ewan. He says that he feels, and knows we have something special, and that he knows I feel the same way. That is why he is able to cope with my relationship with Ewan. He says he trusts me.

He has admitted that he has been feeling very jealous of late, and that is why he has been moody. He says that the jealousy is centred around sex, that he doesn't like to think of Ewan and me together, but he finds it hard not to. He says that sometimes he is fine with it, other times it makes him mad, and he has even admitted that there are times that it turns him on. (This amazed me.)

He thinks that I behave and treat my relationship with Ewan like it's no big deal. That annoys him because he thinks it's a massive deal, and it irritates and hurts him when he tries to talk about it and I ignore him, and in his words, "Treat him like a child." I told him I would try not to do this in future.

He said I was being silly about him not staying up, and crazy thinking that he was pretending to be asleep, and even crazier to think he was using Max as a barrier between us. He said that it's purely because of the routine he and Max have got into, and also because I've started coming home later. So we have agreed that I'm to be in by 23.30. This is another boundary we have set. He says that he will give me all the hugs and kisses that I need if I do.

 

[Aurelie26]

As I said, he told me his jealousy is centred around the sex that Ewan and I have. It was very difficult to speak about this. It was upsetting to both him and me. I did my best to tell him that I enjoy them both sexually, and that they were very different. He is tender, loving, gentle and considerate, and Ewan is the opposite, and that is why I needed them both. I told him that he himself knows how much we both love what we do in bed together. I asked him if he thought I was faking it. He said "No!"

I thought that he might leave it at that, but he wouldn't. He wanted details. I tried to sidestep this, but he was having none of it and was upset by this point. He wanted to know if my lover has a big dick, if he lasts longer, If he makes me orgasm more, etc., etc. I think our problems of late really have been about his own personal perceived shortcomings, and me going away for that weekend.

I told him the truth. It was very upsetting, I did it as gently as I could and kept details to a minimum as much as I could. I also told him that nobody has ever made me feel as special and loved as he does when I'm having sex with him, and that is true. I told him that Ewan has never given me this, and that he never will. I asked him if he feels this same connection with me when we are making love. He said that he did, and always has. I told him what I feel for him sexually is very special to me and I could never be without that feeling.

It was so hard. I have dreaded this, and hoped it wouldn't happen, but it has. I could not lie to him, and I could no longer brush it aside, and there is no way I could tell him it wasn't his business. As difficult and upsetting as it was, we still ended up hugging. I love him so much. I'm happy we talked about it. Now, hopefully, it's behind us.

We have spoken about this more, now that we aren't so upset. Geoff told me that he wants me to give him the chance to do more of the stuff that I like, not the BDSM stuff, but other things. He has told me that although we have tried stuff in the past, he always felt that I wasn't enjoying it, or encouraging him enough, and that made him feel that he wasn't doing it right, and this made him nervous and embarrassed. This hurt me, as I have always felt that I was the very opposite, and that I always welcomed and went out of my way to encourage him to try new things. I guess I need to try harder. He has asked me to show and teach him how to do more stuff, and I have said that I would.

We have tried a few things already, and it's worked well. What we did the other night felt so erotic to me, not because I haven't done this thing before, because I have. It was because he was doing it to me, and I would never have thought that he would have wanted to, I told him how and what to do, and he did it, and he said that he really enjoyed it. I did as well.

What we both know is that we love each other very much. If Geoff had any doubts about the fact that I love him more than Ewan, I dont think he has them now. I have once again told him that if at anytime it upsets him too much, or if he feels our relationship cannot go on as it is, I will break up with Ewan. I feel that wouldn't be fair to Ewan, but it's the way it is.

That time hasn't come yet, and I had a date with Ewan tonight. We had an awesome time, as usual. I got home on time, and Geoff and I had cuddle time.

Now I want the two of them to meet, as I think this will help us. I'll leave it a few weeks before I suggest this to them both.

If we can work on Geoff's jealousy, I think that we will be okay, at least for now. I hope so, because I have never felt so happy. It's gone 1:00 am here, and I'm too excited to sleep.

 

[Mudita]

Sounds like a grueling but worthwhile weekend. Huge respect for facing this and being so caring and honest with your Geoff.

A couple of observations from inside the jealous male brain--

- This will be very hard for Geoff to deal with. Dealing with issues like this is not something we get any instruction in, unless one has particularly self-aware parents. It's like giving a complex maths problem to somebody who never studied maths at school. Some people will eventually work it out by themselves. Many will not, or it will happen too late. Help him find a way to work it out, i.e.,
- might be good to start with this and work through it with him - http://www.xeromag.com/practicaljealousy.pdf
- therapy
- meditation
- maybe none of the above works for Geoff, but try and find a way.

If he doesn't work through it, the danger is he will find a way to deal with it that still causes him plenty of pain, but not enough to leave you.

Think of it like a stone in your shoe. If it's too sore, you just can't ignore it anymore and you have to stop. But it can be not that sore and still cause you enough pain to be forced to limp along. Help him find a way to take the stone out of his shoe and it will be one of the most wonderful things you can do for him. But ultimately, you can only do so much. He's got to want to.

 

[IndieSolo]

Aurelie, I am so happy for you.

Honest communication + love + compassion works wonders!

That being said, it doesn't mean Geoff won't ever feel insecure again, or that no one will make mistakes. But you've taken huge steps toward working things out and deepening your relationship. It's great that he wants you to teach him things to do with you sexually that he's never tried before. I think that, as long as you treat that as something of a loving adventure, it will make things between you 1000 times even more wonderful!
I agree that you should wait a bit before introducing the two of them to each other, even a few months, if need be. I would wait for Geoff to settle into this newer, more secure place with you, and for his confidence level to rise, before adding another element that might throw him off.

Good job, hon.

 

[Mudita]

He has even admitted that there are times that it turns him on. (This amazed me.)

I struggled with this for years. I'll tell you my experience, but of course, YMMV.

There were a number of emotions at play.
- Jealousy: my lover would leave me for him
- Ego: I wanted to be able to make my lover feel this way.
- Envy: I wanted her to be doing this with me.
- Arousal: for me, seeing a woman highly aroused is perhaps my greatest pleasure in sex. The idea of my lover being intensely aroused turned me on.

The problem is it's difficult to separate these emotions, and so you end up feeling like crap, and yet being turned on at the same time. This is very confusing.

Address these feelings individually and you may just be left with him being turned on, if you're lucky.

To do this, he needs to examine his emotions in a fairly fine-grained way, which is where it will help if he has some sort of process to do this, as per my previous post.

That he's able to admit it, to himself and to you, seems like a very promising sign.

 

[Mudita]

... you've taken huge steps toward working things out.

Not sure about this. It sounds like a good first step, but unless there's a concerted effort to get to the bottom of why he feels like this, it's just kicking the can down the road.

 

[IndieSolo]

Not sure about this. It sounds like a good first step, but unless there's a concerted effort to get to the bottom of why he feels like this, it's just kicking the can down the road.

The boyfriend's feelings of insecurity are his own responsibility to dig at and break open. No one else can "get to the bottom of his feelings" for him. All Aurelie can do is keep her word, love him, and encourage him to keep dealing with it. After two long posts, Aurelie made about how they spent a long weekend baring their souls to each other, renegotiating agreements, and setting boundaries for moving forward, you neglect to see that they are doing exactly what needs to be done? Do you actually think they're not making a concerted effort to make the relationship work for both of them? Reread those posts. You must be letting something color your perceptions.

Aurelie, I think it is all quite encouraging, and you took huge, important steps. Of course, there's always work to do, but don't feel you haven't done enough yet. Being willing to have difficult, frank communication is key, and you met that head on.

 

[Mudita]

The boyfriend's feelings of insecurity are his own responsibility to dig at and break open. No one else can "get to the bottom of his feelings" for him.

I agree, hence my comment.

But ultimately you can only do so much. He's got to want to.

All Aurelie can do is keep her word, love him, and encourage him to keep dealing with it.

In addition, she can also help him to identify a process which will help him understand and deal it. This is pretty much the entire point of what I've been banging on about. Love and encouragement for someone trying to fix a car is great. But a good book or course on mechanics will likely go a long way, too.

After two long posts Aurelie made about how they spent a long weekend baring their souls to each other, renegotiating agreements, and setting boundaries for moving forward, you neglect to see that they are doing exactly what needs to be done? Do you actually think they're not making a concerted effort to make the relationship work for both of them?

I think they are making a concerted agreement to make this relationship work for them. They have communicated how they currently feel, which is a huge first step. My concern is that renegotiating agreements and setting boundaries are treating the symptoms, not the cause of the jealousy. Thus it alleviates the pain somewhat, but will not eliminate it, which will bite them in the ass in the long run.

Re-read those posts, you must be letting something color your perceptions.

Inevitably. Such is the human condition. I encourage you to reread my posts in light of this one.

Aurelie, please understand that I'm not having a go at you. I think you're doing a standup job here. I really do. If something is colouring my perceptions, it is my experience that trying to repress or mitigate negative emotions is a losing battle. If I have found any peace it is by attempting to eliminate them root and branch. But that is me, and I do not pretend to suggest that this is necessarily the way forward for you and your boyfriend. At the same time, your description of some of the ways he is acting are all too familiar.

 

[Aurelie26]

Aurelie, I am so happy for you.

Honest communication + love + compassion works wonders!

That being said, it doesn't mean he won't ever feel insecure again, or that no one will make mistakes, but you've taken huge steps toward working things out and deepening your relationship. It's great that he wants you to teach him things to do with you sexually that he's never tried before. I think that, as long as you treat that as something of a loving adventure, it will make things between you 1000 times even more wonderful! I agree that you should wait a bit before introducing the two of them to each other - even a few months, if need be. I would wait for your boyfriend to settle into this newer, more secure place with you, and for his confidence level to rise, before adding another element that might throw him off.

Good job, hon.

Thanks, NYCindie. I also think we have taken a big step this weekend. It feels like a lot of tension has been let loose. At the moment, I could not be happier, and we are going to enjoy that feeling for now.

I was so touched that Geoff asked me to teach him stuff that turns me on. It's so sweet. I have learnt that I need to stop assuming that he wouldn't like certain things, when he might. What I thought was him not liking something, was actually him just not having confidence and being a bit shy about it. I think he just needs more encouragement at times, and I will make sure I give it to him. It has worked the last few nights.

We have agreed that we are going to talk more about what we are feeling and not keep things bottled up just because we don't want to fight.

As you say, it doesn't mean he will stop feeling insecure, just because we have had this chat. It doesn't mean that our problems are over. It's only a start, but it's a good one.

 

[Aurelie26]

I struggled with this for years. I'll tell you my experience but of course YMMV.

There were a number of emotions at play.
- Jealousy: my lover would leave me for him
- Ego: I wanted to be able to make my lover feel this way.
- Envy: I wanted her to be doing this with me.
- Arousal: for me seeing a woman highly aroused is perhaps my greatest pleasure in sex. The idea of my lover being intensely aroused turned me on.

The problem is it's difficult to separate these emotions, and so you end up feeling like crap, yet being turned on at the same time. This is very confusing.

Address these feelings individually and you may just be left with him being turned on, if you're lucky.

To do this he needs to examine his emotions in a fairly fine grained way which is where it will help if he has some sort of process to do this as per my previous post.

That he's able to admit it, to himself and to you, seems like a very promising sign.

Thanks. It's nice to get advice from a man's perspective.

He was very bashful when he admitted that the thought of me with another man turned him on. He just kind of blurted it out quickly. I would never have believed it. Again, I need to encourage him to tell me these things, and also to listen more.

 

[Aurelie26]

Sounds like a grueling but worthwhile weekend. Huge respect for facing this and being so caring and honest with your bf.

Couple of observations from inside the male jealous brain.

- This will be very hard for him to deal with. Dealing with issues like this is not something we get any instruction in unless one has particularly self-aware parents. It's like giving a complex maths problem to somebody who never studied maths at school. Some people will eventually work it out by themselves. Many will not or it will happen too late. Help him find a way to work it out.
i.e.
- might be a good to start with this and work throught it with him - http://www.xeromag.com/practicaljealousy.pdf
- therapy
- meditation
- maybe none of the above works for your bf but try and find a way.


If he doesn't work through it the danger is he will find a way to deal with it that still causes him plenty of pain, but not enough to leave you.

Think of it like a stone in your shoe. If it's too sore you just can't ignore it anymore and you have to stop. But it can be not that sore and still cause you enough pain to be forced to limp along. Help him find a way to take the stone out of his shoe and it will be one of the most wonderful things you can do for him. But ultimately you can only do so much - he's got to want to.

I think it will be hard, but he has admitted to me that his jealousy is there. I don't yet know how deep-rooted that jealousy is, but we are going to do everything we can to work on it.

What we do know is how much we love each other, and he is at least secure in the knowledge that if things become to difficult for him to cope with, he can tell me, and I will end things with Ewan. He knows that he comes first, which is good. This isn't fair to Ewan, but what can I do? I cannot see a future without Geoff.

I'm going to make sure that from now on we have regular talks about it. The first one was very difficult. I'm so glad that we got someone to take Max out. We have spoken a few times since. He wants to talk about it, and now I do, as well. It will get easier. I want him to know that we can discuss anything at any time, and also to be honest with our feelings.

Thanks for the link.

 

[darthfrog]

Well, obviously, no one else here apart from you actually knows the guy, but it really seems to me, from what you have posted, that he wants to be monogamous and that is what would make him happy.

Yes, he is consenting to this situation of you sleeping with someone else. But my whole point before was that due to the fact that he is in love with you, and does not want to lose you/is a nice guy and wants to make you happy, that the consent is not really worth that much. If he loved you less, he would leave you. And just because he loves you enough to stick around doesn't mean he doesn't feel shit inside.

And to the two people that have suggested that I have a problem with Aurelie because she enjoys sex, you are wrong. Nowhere have I said I would have a problem with her enjoying all the sex that she wanted, if her sex life didn't centrally revolve around a romantic relationship with a dynamic that is unbalanced to the point of exploitative.

<---http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Straw_man

Polyamory is something for equal partners to participate in together and to pursue because it's what they want and enjoy, not something that someone has to suffer and accept because they are in love with someone who won't stop sleeping with someone else.

Honestly, if the most important thing for you is Geoff, it would be prudent to break up with Ewan, because I don't see this situation being sustainable. The longer this situation carries on, probably the more the resentment/pain will build up under the surface. If you're not that fussed about him, stick with Ewan. Dump Geoff to be kind, and find some people to be poly with that aren't reluctant and suffering for it.

 

[Mudita]

Just because he loves you enough to stick around doesn't mean he doesn't feel shit inside.

I tend to agree with this.

I don't see this situation being sustainable. The longer this situation carries on, probably the more the resentment/pain will build up under the surface.

This is assuming Geoff makes no efforts to resolve his jealousy issues.

However not this:

it would be prudent to break up with Ewan.

or this:

If you're not that fussed about Geoff, stick with Ewan, dump Geoff to be kind.

People can change if they want to. If Geoff is able to work through his jealousy issues, there is no reason they can't be happy together. Who knows? Maybe he will come around to the idea of being poly himself.

"Dump Geoff to be kind" seems to be very patronising to him. All relationships take work, poly or otherwise. Dumping and moving on is the easy way out. Aurelie seems to be choosing to stay and fight to make the relationships she values work for all parties. She deserves credit for this.

 

[IndieSolo]

Polyamory is something for equal partners to participate in together and to pursue because its what they want and enjoy, not something that someone has to suffer and accept because they are in love with someone who won't stop sleeping with someone else.

Yes, but there are usually learning curves and dealing with unexpected emotions for everyone. Rarely does any couple just say, "Okay, let's jump in," and then each of them instantaneously has the same facility to process issues, the same levels of understanding, and equal acceptance of it all, and at the same pace as their partner. Even in monogamous relationships, two people sort of leap-frog in their progress when dealing with new challenges. No one expects both people to click into place simultaneously and equally, when there is a huge change in the dynamic of a relationship. In Aurelie's situation, she was seeing Ewan first, and Geoff knew this and knowingly accepted it, even though he had issues with it. No one forced Geoff to accept it. I understand this to mean that he recognized the potential for deep love and satisfaction with her, even considering anything that would be painful or uncomfortable in order to have that.

I am usually the one who will point out to people that poly is consensual and should not be forced on anyone. However, I also have come to learn that many people consent to poly knowing full well it will be a difficult challenge and something that will bring up all sorts of demons to face, yet they say it is the trial by fire that they are willing to accept, because the relationship and the person they love is worth it. Each person in a relationship is responsible for their own investment in it.

Whenever someone has ever said to me, "You deserve better" or "This isn't fair to you," I always tell them, "I'll be the one to decide that." I've had relationships end because the other person thought they were doing me a favor. No! Believe me, it felt worse than anything because I wasn't given the chance to process the challenges I was willing to face on my own terms, and the choice to end it was not reached mutually. If I tell someone, "I'm in this no matter what," don't insult me by not believing I am strong enough, and don't walk on eggshells around me.

 

[AnnabelMore]

Okay, darthfrog, if your concern has nothing to do with sex, then let's reframe this using a different issue, but a similar set of dynamics in terms of one person hurting because of another's activities.

Let's say my partner is in the military and has to be away regularly because of it. He was in the military when I met him. I knew this about him. Yet it's hard for me, because I'm a pacifist and would never be in the military myself. Plus I miss him when he's gone. I'm responsible for the kid when he's not there. I wonder if he likes the danger more than our stable, predictable home life.

He asks if I want him to quit the military, and says he will if I need him to, but that it would hurt him to do so. We have long talks about it. I decide that I love him enough to stay with him and not ask him to give up this important part of his life. We set agreements, like him calling me every night when he's away, to make it easier. I work on being less fearful.

Am I being exploited? Is my consent to being in the relationship not genuine? Should my partner break up with me for my own good?

 

[Aurelie26]

Well, obviously, no one else here apart from you actually knows the guy. But it really seems to me from what you have posted that he wants to be monogamous and that is what would make him happy.

Yes, he is consenting to this situation of you sleeping with someone else, but my whole point before was that due to the fact that he is in love with you and does not want to lose you/is a nice guy and wants to make you happy, that the consent is not really worth that much. If he loved you less he would leave you. And just because he loves you enough to stick around doesn't mean he doesn't feel shit inside.

To the two people that have suggested that I have a problem with Aurelie because she enjoys sex, you are wrong. Nowhere have I said I would have a problem with her enjoying all the sex that she wants if her sex life didn't centrally revolve around a romantic relationship with an unbalanced dynamic, to the point of exploitative.

Straw man - Wikipedia

en.wikipedia.org

Polyamory is something for equal partners to participate in together and pursue because it's what they want and enjoy, not something that someone has to suffer and accept because they are in love with someone who won't stop sleeping with someone else.

Honestly, if the most important thing for you is Geoff, it would be prudent to break up with Ewan, because I don't see this situation being sustainable. The longer this situation carries on probably the more the resentment/pain will build up under the surface. If you're not that fussed about him, stick with the lover, dump the bf to be kind, and find some people to be poly with that aren't reluctant and suffering for it.

Have you read my posts? Yes, Geoff is consenting to me being with Ewan. He knew from the start. He didn't have to start a relationship with me. You say he loves me so much he is willing to suffer and accept the situation. No he doesn't. He knows that he only has to tell me that he is no longer happy with the situation and I will give up my relationship with Ewan, if he wants. I asked him this at the weekend. He said that he does not.

I love him enough to do that for him, and he loves me enough so that I don't have to. Not yet, anyway.

We are equal partners. He just wants to be mono, and I respect that now. I have read lots of posts on here about people's poly relationships, and what I notice is that it doesn't always work. Does that mean that they have to give up one of their relationships without trying to make things better? Geoff and I are trying to make things better for us all. He is jealous at the moment. That's why he has been saying these things. We can make it okay, and he wants to try and do that. He knows how important he is to us.

He comes first. His feelings come first. But I have feelings also, as does Ewan.

I am not a terrible person, as you suggest. Far from it. Geoff is a beautiful person. And although Ewan can at times be an asshole, he comes through when you need him to. He has for me, on lots of occasions, and is a good man, when it comes down to it.

Also, you say, "Find some people to be poly with that aren't reluctant and suffering for it." I don't think you understand. I don't want a poly relationship for the sake of it. I want it with my two men, the two men that I love, not just any old men! I want them, and them only.

You advise me, "If you're not that fussed about him, stick with Ewan, dump Geoff to be kind." Again, you don't understand.

I will never leave Geoff, never, not for Ewan, or anyone else. I don't believe that he will ever leave me either. We love each other more than anyone knows. We will work this out. We did a good job at the weekend. It wasn't easy, but we made a good start.

I will leave it to Geoff to tell me when I should think about giving Ewan up. He does not want that at the moment, and I'm grateful for his support.

Unlike you, he does not think I'm a terrible person.