Just LR

LovingRadiance said:
I think I finally managed to express myself in a way that made sense without coming across bitchy. ( May wonders never cease. I'm much better at being a bitch.) :p
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YEAH! I'm still working on that one. :p For some reason, every time I try, I still get accused of being a bitch or something else. Then again, when husband "thinks" he is trying to understand, he comes across as arrogant and condescending.
 
Yesterday was a rough day. I was emotional and moody. I figured some things out for myself, which was good, but it was hard emotional shit.

In the evening, Maca and I went to the Brandi Carlisle concert. THAT was awesome and I greatly enjoyed it (as well as the dinner beforehand). We had a good talk on the drive in and the drive out. I went to sleep more peaceful and happy.
 
LR, I don't get a load of time to read a lot of the blogs, but given the recent discussions we've been having on various threads, I thought I would dip into here.

I have a suggestion - sort of a way of thinking and the actions that may come out of that. Not sure whether it will fit with your dynamic, but I thought I would put it out there....

Each time someone new comes into the constellation that you have, the dynamics are going to change - you have different personalities involved. Each person has their own set of needs, wants, likes and boundaries. Trying to make your currently negotiated set fit with this new person may be a real challenge. Pressure is then put on people to "ignore" certain things, and the games begin.

You have a 3 month timeframe to do a review of your negotiations - to see what still applies, where the pressure points are, and work out as a group what needs to be changed, yes? Maybe that should be reset when someone one new joins. Schedule your usual type of meeting, but with the new person - everyone gets out on the table what they need out of this, and what their boundaries are - everything is first-hand and folks get a chance to have a clarifying discussion about any potential places of dissonance.

If the are conflicting needs and boundaries and no solution can be found, then really there's not a lot of hope for it working, because those will ALWAYS nag at you. If you can reach an agreement then the pressure will be off because everyone will be going into it knowing their needs and concerns have been heard.

You then reset the 3 months clock to start at that point in time.

Anyway, just a thought....
 
CielDuMatin said:
You have a 3 month timeframe to do a review of your negotiations - to see what still applies, where the pressure points are, and work out as a group what needs to be changed, yes? Maybe that should be reset when someone one new joins.
Anyway, just a thought
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We actually have a 3 month OR if someone new joins agreement. But, I've found that only works if the new person actually is willing to sit and talk honestly TOGETHER.

This last roll around, well, she talked to him, she talked to me, but what she said (and mine was all in writing via email) was COMPLETELY contradictory.

To be frank-I think it was a combination of him not knowing what the hell he really wants and her not knowing what she really wants. While that isn't unreasonable, it does make it damn near impossible for any of the rest of us to work with them, when they can't even honestly say what's going on, you know?

But, I do agree, it's imperative that when a new person enters the picture, they have an opportunity to participate in a discussion on the boundaries and possible changes etc.

My biggest frustration is that if they don't want to meet (which is CERTAINLY their privilege) then THEY REALLY SHOULD NOT BE BITCHING about the fact that he can't come negotiate on their behalf until the 3 month time. (Nor can I. But as I move slower and more methodically, it hasn't ever been an issue on my end.)

I mean, SERIOUSLY, if you want to be treated with equal consideration, THEN GET OFF YOUR ASS and treat us with equal consideration (us being the rest of us metamours you don't want to fuck) and COME SIT DOWN AND TALK. If you're too (whatever word you want to fill in here) to come talk, don't bitch over the fact that you ARE NOT PART OF THE GROUP, and therefore since you are CHOOSING not to be, you don't get a vote!

Okay, that vent felt SO nice. :)

Anyway, C, I think you rock. I really love reading the things you write, and in my time away from the board, I've thought often of things you had written before and missed reading your thoughts! They always make me consider my stance, reconsider and really think. I LOVE that!
 
Awww, thank you for the kind words - I just lit off on someone in another thread, so it was good to come here and learn that in some small way I have helped someone with the stuff I spew.

I agree that if you're not part of the process, you shouldn't have any expectation to be represented in the result.

Self-knowledge is a powerful requirement in effective relationships. It's amazing what the get-togethers and in-depth discussions can do to help clarify some of this. When we get together to discuss stuff, there are usually lots of clarifying questions, and often quite a few things that are put aside, so that they can be reflected upon, because they caused us to think and examine how we feel. I don't think that anybody fully knows themselves, and I think that people do evolve over time. We need to embrace that and work together to help everyone be the best that they want to be.

If someone doesn't want to sit down and talk about this stuff, then I would be questioning what else is going on that would make them feel like they don't want to or can't.
 
Hey LR!
I've got 13 minutes before I need to disconnect (or I get blocked from this library connection for a month!), so I haven't got time to read much, much less digest. Just wanted to say that I'm glad to see that you're back, that GG and Maca are still playing the game decently, and that you're (despite sorrows and depressions) on form. A big hug and :):):)
MFFR
 
Thanks, Mr Right. :)

I needed the break, but it's nice to "see so many old friends" again. :) I may disappear again when fall semester hits. Because I have an hour drive to class, 3 days a week. BLECH! Then of course, class and an hour drive home again. SIGH! But, it's a class I need for my degree.

We had a good poly weekend. We all worked our butts off on the deck. :) The old rotten deck is out, and the wood burned off. The new deck is halfway in. :) It's 30 feet one way and 25 or so the other way. It's a huge deck. Been a big job.

SourPea told Maca "I like when we all work together like this" and it was a smiley moment for everyone. :)
 
Camping weekend.

Maca and I have been readdressing the ongoing issue of nothing being addressed with the other lady. It REALLY bothers me when problems get swept under the carpet. It simply infuriates me. It is, in fact, MORE upsetting to me than almost any other issue, in and of itself.

The fact that they have decided they will be 'just friends' and that will suddenly mean that no apologies for the SHITTY way I was treated, the SHITTY things that were said about me (which were untrue) and the breach of boundaries, just does NOT work for me. I WOULD RATHER they simply face the music, say I'm sorry, and then date. Changing their relationship status to "friends" does NOT in anyway make amends for the behavior.

Sigh.

I'm not planning to discuss this over the weekend. But, Monday Maca leaves for an out-of-town job and I can't help but feel some anxiety that YET AGAIN it's going to get pushed aside and not addressed, while they continue their ongoing playful, giddy relationship via text/email/phone, without addressing the consequences of their actions.
 
Ugh, hate it when things don't get resolved and folks have to be away from each other.

I would definitely make sure that there is a conversation about how the actions made you feel and what can be done in future to avoid this happening again.
 
I'm much like you in this way, LR. I decided to practice letting it go and seeing what happens. It's actually been an interesting lesson in letting go of control. Who knew?! ;) It turns out people resolve stuff without me being involved. I just have to trust that they have my best interest at heart and are doing it their way. I can't say I will always stand back and just let it be, but it's proven useful in ways I didn't expect. Just a thought. :)
 
So far, Maca and I have managed to figure out a few solutions for our stuff. He signed up for my blog to be emailed to him, and has actually started reading it. That alone creates a lot more understanding for him of what is going on in/with me. I'm hoping it will also eventually result in us TALKING about some of it, because I still feel very much out of touch with who HE is and what HE is feeling/thinking etc. But one step at a time. :)

As for resolving the other: she's out of town for a month and he's out of town for 2 weeks. So I don't expect that's going anywhere in the meantime.
 
LovingRadiance said:
I still feel very much out of touch with who HE is and what HE is feeling/thinking etc.
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God, this sounds familiar!

Me: He won't give me his opinion on the stuff I try to talk to him about. I feel so disconnected. :(

Him: We had sex this morning. Our marriage is great. :D
 
Connection, disconnection, feelings, relationships are all good and valid topics, but people really want the critical review on the thermal breakdown of the new lube of choice. :D

Everyone understand there's only been a few pina colada days since the switch, but early test results can be encouraging and helpful to the rest of us. Talk about being the hero of the summer party circuit. :D Tip to swingers and kinksters. A must-have at my next cocksucking party. Celebrity endorsed by LR.

What's the viscosity of the product you're using? Can you get it in multi-weights or different weights? I was thinking I'd like something really thick,10 w 50, or 90 weight gear lube. I'm always good for a question or three.
 
Pina Coladas for D - #1000 YAY!

Time to put the serious stuff aside as we celebrate DH's post #1000 with a round of pina coladas for all! :D

D, your commemorative barrel of 10W50 coconut milk is enroute for the next party.

I sent my RSVP! Hope you got it!! :p :D
 
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LMAO! D, you are so much fun. :)

The lube party is going great. Coconut oil is a GODSEND and frankly, we ALL LOVE IT!!

PINA COLADA PARTY COMMENCE!!!!

Giggle. :)


(Side notes of little importance: my 20-year old showed up unexpectedly today and helped me get the boards I needed for the deck. 14 were 2x6x16 & 13 were 2x6x8. Then the 12 & 5 year old helped paint the big wooden spools (4 of them). GG is helping me unload the lumber and screw it on where it belongs on the deck. Great productive day. Maca worked and then went fishing. He's on the out-of-town job. Yesterday they got halibut, today salmon, and he's saving it to bring home! YUMMY!)
 
Sigh. Things were going pretty well, even with him out of town. Yesterday I sent him a pic of myself. I had been berry picking with the whole family-- kids, GG, brother, SIL, their son, my sister, mom. I was soaked. Anyway, a few letters of my shirt were showing through the vest I was wearing. The shirt says, "I love my boyfriend."

He got tweaked and things went to hell in a handbasket. He opted that moment to bring up the kid he's interested in and ask if he could meet up with her the 23rd. (I really don't give a shit. The sooner the better. They need to address the bs. that's been drug out over the last SIX MONTHS of avoiding it). But it was odd timing, since she and he are both gone at the moment.

He decided he didn't want to fight, took a sleeping pill at 8pm and went to bed. I was furious. I find it asinine to get pissy over my shirt (first of all). It's the equivalent of saying, "I don't love THAT part of you." I find it insulting, to boot. I also find it highly irresponsible to bring up a "difficult topic" and then shut down communication immediately thereafter.

WTF?! You brought it up, then you need to have the conversation. I wasn't being a bitch. I didn't say no. (I actually checked the calendar and said it was fine). He said she had asked if they could meet. So I did comment that I thought it was better sooner than later, because shit needed sorted out. He took offense at that. I didn't even know what to say. I lost my cool after he blew me off and went to sleep. Told him fuck her, fuck his job and fuck working out of town. I'm so frustrated.
 
Vent

Yep, I said it. Yes, I thought it. Yes, I meant it. Still do. This sort of fucked-up shit is precisely the sort of shit that steams my vegetables. What a fucking bitch!

Originally Posted by Daffodil
What I understand is that after 18 months together, and the actuality that there nothing is wrong with this woman, a veto is out of the question. There is no good reason why my husband should be forbidden from dating this woman. I`m not comfortable with it, no. But even I realize that asking him to stop seeing her is unrealistic. That`s why I`m trying other tactics, so that he ends up believing that he made this choice of his own free will.
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originally posted by LovingRadiance
I think I can count how many times I've said anything like this on this board. So be forewarned, this isn't my normal M.O.

You are a first class manipulative cunt. How dare you even consider the label poly, when you don't even love your husband or yourself? You want to manipulate and control him like the psycho stepmother in Cinderella. I hope he finds out what a first-class bitch he's married to and moves on to be with someone who loves and respects him as a person. Unbelievable.
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