Just LR

LR, I am sensing that you may be a little upset.

Am I correctly reading the signals that you are sending out, here and in the thread?

:D:D:D:D:D
 
LOL! Ciel, however might you have gotten that impression?!?!?!?!?! I can't help but laugh when you guys write this stuff!

Side note: Maca and I manage to FINALLY get on the phone and iron out the issue. In addition, we happened upon the detail that made the connection/disconnection I was feeling make sense to him. (That has taken a number of years.) It popped out there and we were both like OMG! We just figured it out! HOLY FUCK! I'm pretty sure he was as shocked as me. We've gone over the topic so many times over the last 14 years, to no avail. Then it just slipped out suddenly amidst our discussion of the argument. There was the clear picture for him and the solution for us. We managed to identify the miscommunication and the cause (assumptions based in insecurity), which helped clear up the issues of this week too.

WHEW!

Now, back to the board... Hmmmm... I think I probably better behave. I mean, I haven't gotten "written up" in the (3?) years I've been a poster, so it's not HUGE that I got one this week, I think. But, still, it's probably not good to ignite riots too frequently and I think I probably ought to watch my mouth a couple more years. :)

GIGGLE
 
Oh, and for those who wonder about kids, I was off to a "retreat" for home school kids the last two days. It was a blast. I took my youngest two kids and the two little girls I used to babysit who are also home schooled. They got to go horseback riding, rock wall climbing, arts and crafts, geocaching, fossil hiking, campfire, and swimming (in a freezing lake!).

Very good for the soul being off the grid and enjoying nature. :)
 
LovingRadiance said:
In addition, we happened upon the detail that made connection/disconnection I was feeling make sense to him (that has taken a number of years). It popped out there and we were both like OMG! We just figured it out! HOLY FUCK! I'm pretty sure he was as shocked as me. We've gone over the topic so many times over the last 14 years to no avail. Then it just slipped out suddenly amidst our discussion of the argument. There was the clear picture for him and the solution for us.
Click to expand...

FTW. Awesome!

Mr S and I had an epiphany 3 or 4 years into our marriage (7-8 years into our relationship) where we realized that what I was really asking for (as opposed to what I said/thought I was asking for) was something that he was actually able to accommodate with enthusiasm. Sigh... So much better now. You think you are talking/arguing in circles and then something "clicks"-- someone hears the words you are saying with new insight and... ENLIGHTENMENT for all.

JaneQ
 
Yes, Jane! It's amazing when that little click happens. I almost kissed the phone! (He's still out of town working.) It's so hard trying to figure some things out, but once ya do, it's WONDERFUL. :)

I told him before the click happened, "I keep trying, I just haven't figured out the picture to draw for you yet." Then it happened and I laughed out loud.

I think more like Galagirl writes, and Maca... uh, yeah, not so much. :) hehehe. He's a straight single line thinker, and fast, too. I make him nuts with my circles.
 
Aw. I'm glad it clicked. If it helps, an anthropologist friend told me women need to speak 30K words a day to feel right. Men need 15K. I was amazed, because suddenly the glassy eyes of my honey made so much more sense, when I push him past, "I am too full! Help!" :D

GalaGirl
 
GG, that is a very interesting piece of trivia. I'll have to ponder that one during my camping weekend. :) Thank you for sharing!
 
GalaGirl said:
An anthropologist friend told me women need to speak 30K words a day to feel right. Men need 15K. I was amazed because it suddenly made sense...
Click to expand...

I've heard this, and so has my husband, and he likes to remind me of it on occasion. Of course, I might reply with, "But you've only used 9k, so you should have a few more words left." :p
 
GalaGirl said:
An anthropologist friend told me women need to speak 30K words a day to feel right. Men need 15K. I was amazed...
Click to expand...

Heh, what about transpersons and gender-queers? My gf is trans and she just babbles on and on, and sometime I just can't take it anymore. I'm cisgendered female, but genderqueer, and I just have to get away sometimes. I spent four days at my own place this week, and besides my part-time job and a little IMing, I barely said a word... or heard one. Heaven. My own thoughts were enough to keep me "feeling right." I didn't want to tell anyone anything, I didn't want to hear any gossip or deeper conversation. Just peace and golden silence, ahhh...
 
Bottom of the main page will tell you which users are currently logged in. ;) Feel free to create a new thread or comment on any that exist. People will comment as they log in and out. :)
 
Venting seems to be the story of the weekend. I wrote a couple vent posts on my personal blog (link in signature). I feel better having gotten them out.

Now I'm off to school for the campus kickoff. I'm emotional about this because last year it was a lot of fun with a friend I met at school. This year she's dead, so clearly she won't be in attendance. Sigh...
 
As we've traveled this path of poly, I've become more and more conscious of the depths of honesty. Most people THINK they are honest. But, my experience has shown me that this isn't true. Much of my life, what I thought was "honest" was really a million lies (mostly lies of omission) strung together, the largest quantity being lies to oneself.

I've found in the last few years, as we've worked our asses off to retrain ourselves to be truly and thoroughly honest with ourselves, with each other and with the world. that my tolerance for deceit has eroded, to the point where now I find myself sick to my stomach every time (and it's really too frequent to count) people outside of our relationship dynamic either point out their own dishonesty or ask me to keep their secrets. Tonight was no exception.

I took SourPea to the park. She needed some outside time, and even though it was only 54 F outside, wind howling, I felt sympathy for her, so we went to the park.

I got a text explaining the details of a friend's suicide attempt (from his stepparent). This in and of itself wasn't news to me. The details, yes. That he tried, no. Anyway, what bothered me was the comment that the stepparent wasn't telling the parent, because "he'd flip." Well, YEAH, no shit. But still, it/s dishonest. And who gave you that right? Sigh...
 
LR, I can totally relate to what you wrote, here - my tolerance for anything but complete honesty has really dropped over the past few years - I have seen too many folks building "little white lies" into their lives, often justifying it because they don't want to make life complicated, but I have suspected that it was more along the lines of just not wanting to deal with the messiness of it.

I had a case recently of someone telling me something that had hitherto been a secret involving another friend (details deliberately remaining obscure). I worried about what would happen as a consequence of the truth coming out, but realised that I could not keep a secret like that. I independently verified that it was the truth and told it to the necessary people. It was very tough to do, but it was the right thing to do.

So many folks build a web of "little lies" around themselves. The problem with this is that the little lies can too easily turn into the big ones. I made a decision a while back that I was not going to live my life this way.
 
That is precisely my frustration, Ciel! I made the decision when I told Maca I was poly, that I would not lie again to him. Within a few weeks it became obvious to me that I needed to really get down and dirty with myself. How could I avoid lying to him unless I stopped lying to myself!?
That quickly morphed into realizing that if I was going to manage to be fully honest and open with myself and him, I was going to have to be honest with the kids.

Ultimately, I think it was less than a month when we all realized (Maca,GG and I) that the only way this honesty thing was going to work was if it was all the way, honesty with everyone about everything. Sometimes it's been really scary. But frankly, it's been such a relief! The 25th of this month will be 3 years!

(I really can't even believe I just wrote that! I remember reading about RP and Mono's first anniversary and bawling my eyes out over how hopeless our future seemed!)

Anyway, its been so amazing, living honestly! Just surviving the terrifying moments would have been great. But it's the bonding, the sense of true acceptance that we've found together. We haven't denied our true selves. But we have been able to feel the acceptance from each other because we aren't hiding our true selves either.

Maca is honest that living with GG isn't his preference, but the choice he makes for the benefit of the whole. That one detail is so huge, that he can accept the love and desire to have GG near that the kids and I have, even though he doesn't share that.

Obviously, anyone who pays a lick of attention to dates knows that we are still a work in progress. But I can't fathom going back to living in lies. The smallest lies often create the biggest strife. If we hadn't found honesty, true and sincere honesty, we couldn't have gotten this far. We certainly wouldn't be as happy and hopeful as we are!

Now I want to limit my exposure to people who aren't like-minded. I don't give a rip if they are poly, mono, straight, crooked (hehe), etc. Just be HONEST!!
 
Happy poly moments :)

Yesterday was a busy day. While GG was entertaining the kids, Maca and I ran off and made love. Then he took a nap. GG and I cuddled and kissed and shared a relaxed, deeply connected loving hour.

It was hectic getting ready for FIL to arrive. (Exciting for all of us. We all adore him.) Maca woke up and took the kids for a short 4-wheeler ride. GG and I made love. Exciting and delightful to have time with both in one crazy day! :)

Then I showered. Later in the evening, Maca and I drove to the airport and got Dad.

This morning Maca texted me a copy of an invite to meet another poly lady in our area. He had replied that he'd be interested in meeting after he returns from hunting camp, for coffee, if she's willing to meet with both of us. I thanked him for keeping me posted. (That's been an issue in the past.) Then I giggled, because he'd been fighting about dealing with the conflictual issues with the last lady, for months. He was afraid of ruining his 'last opportunity.' He finally dealt with that, which definitely helped him and me. It seems to have also improved the situation with them (unsure still where that will lead). And now, someone else is interested. It really pays to be right with your world. ;) I know its nerve wracking when you don't know how things will work out, but it's really important to be right with your world. Things flow so much more smoothly!
 
Honesty with everyone and about everything. Sometimes it's been really scary. But frankly, it's been such a relief!
Click to expand...

That moved me to comment. Aye. Just hard-truth it to me! SO much easier to deal in. Whatever I feel, I feel. But what I KNOW, I freakin' know where I stand. I value honest, direct, up-front input. Speak your Truth to me, if even at a whisper. I cannot read minds.

GG
 
GalaGirl said:
That moved me to comment. Aye. Just hard-truth it to me! SO much easier to deal in. Whatever I feel, I feel. But what I KNOW, I freakin' know where I stand! I value honest, direct, up-front input. Speak your Truth to me, if even at a whisper. I cannot read minds.
Click to expand...

Yes, exactly! No matter how hard it is, I would rather deal with the truth!
 
3 days of struggling with neck pain. Today I took a pain pill. That made me sensitive and emotional (but it did help the pain). I realized I was being emotionally ridiculous, went to bed and posted on FB about it. A friend (known 25 yrs) commented, hoping I felt better. I explained I would. It was just the drugs. I don't handle them well. With a smart remark, 'In some circles that's a good thing,' he replied 'Rather you do circles than lines.' I cracked up laughing. Totally re-tracked my brain into hysterical laughter. THAT is why having good, solid, long-time friends is SO awesome! How can you not love them? :)
 
Maca is off at hunting camp with Sweet Pea and Dad. They are having lots of fun. I took advantage of my alone time this evening to get some writing done. Some was just for me and my own entertainment, some was for the purpose of sharing my thoughts with Maca (via my personal blog). All of it helped me to center myself.

I also took time to peruse our current boundary agreements. They are admittedly written more 'long hand' than Galagirl's. Lol! But, they do cover all the bases.

September is our month to 'reassess' and potentially renegotiate (every 3 months), which is what provoked me to go over them. I am primarily content with them-- no changes I feel I need. But our agreement focuses primarily on others. I would like to add to the beginning a mission statement of sorts for us. I think I would like to incorporate into it some of the concepts that Galagirl has addressed so well on here.

It isn't because I feel we are failing to do these things, but, like one of her posts points out, I too like to hear it, see it. I like the reminders. I would find it reassuring to be able to glance at our agreement, especially in times fraught with stress, and read a clear-cut paragraph detailing what our commitment to each other is. It's been so vague and unspecified since I cheated.

I hope when Maca returns home we will have a chance to curl up together in bed and framework that.

I did not write in the blog (which he reads. This one he generally does not) that so much has progressed within our personal relationship that I find myself strongly interested in returning to discussion to the topic of our D/s and what safe steps forward we can make.

We didn't pull back from it completely. But we did back up significantly with the breaches of trust in our basic relationship. It is impossible for me to give full trust to him with D/s if he is lying (even by omission) in any aspect of our relationship. This includes self disclosure to me regarding his needs.

These things I require for my safety. Without them I was forced to pull back in D/s. It's been a long wait, over a year. But much progress and change has happened. I think I am ready to renegotiate hard and soft limits for D/s. I just need to sit down and establish where I think I am at, what my current hard limits are, a timeframe for renegotiating (not sure 3 months is realistic atm, it may need to be weekly or monthly for a while), and soft limits with a list of desirable activities and frequency. Then, give it to him for consideration before discussion.

Much food for thought this month.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top