Sharing Details of Relationships/Sex

The first time I read this, I swear I saw something about Margarita night. hahaha. But, yes, it made absolute sense. ;)

Thank you so much for the specific view of how you and your husband navigate it as well; that was really, really helpful.

Anneintherain said:
What do you get from that in the long run? You'll assume she slept with him but not have verbal confirmation? ... Can you figure out what feels better about not discussing it at all? Is it just that you don't want to hear the process as she goes through sharing where she is at on the road to sex with him?
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It's a good question. I think with him, it's that I already know she wants to sleep with him, and if she has the opportunity (i.e., he is home alone), then she will. Unlike other partners we have had, where dates progress to sex and it can be a bit more planned out, sex with him seems like it would be more spontaneous, since he is only 24 and still lives with his parents, and we do not have people back to our house. Or maybe they'd do it in the car, or in an alley, or whatever, you know? haha. So, I was thinking that instead of her having to tell me she's had sex with him, or trying to plan it out, she could just go and do it when she wants to, with my blessing. Agh... I don't know, Anne. I'm stuck! :)

There's nothing wrong with saying, "I don't really feel good about this person. Do what you want, but I don't want to hear about it." But I think it's good to make sure you know what its about. Maybe you have valid reasons for thinking they are not a good partner, and so this is just an exception. Maybe there are some personal issues to work on.
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Hmmm... I know. I've been thinking about this a lot, and about why I'm so uncomfortable with him, but it seems to be a multitude of things. Without going into too much boring detail, she met him at the start of our poly pursuits, when things were a little less considerate, and we caused more pain than necessary. Learning curve, etc. So perhaps subconsciously, he's still stuck in a bad time for me.

They've been back and forth for over a year. She decides that he's selfish, then that he's wonderful, then that he's rude, then that he's the sweetest boy on the planet. In the start, I was insecure about him. Then I got better. Then insecure. Back/forth/back/forth. I finally 'met' him online recently (as he has been in another state for 6 months), and it just didn't go down well. He didn't do anything ungodly, but just doesn't seem to have knowledge or respect for our relationship and is quite self-centered and immature. Something just doesn't sit right for me with him. And to be honest? Maybe it's just that I'm exhausted from my gf's rollercoaster emotions about him. Having to listen to her being upset about him, and me feeling protective of her... then the next day, her becoming giddy over him again.

But you are probably right. There probably are personal issues to look at. Aren't there always? ;)

How does you knowing she had sex with him hamper her sexual enjoyment? You mention worrying about her sexual freedom and spontaneity. Could a bit of this be you projecting, and wanting to have your own spontaneity, but find it easier to couch it in terms about what she might want?
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Could be a bit of this, for sure. But she has told me in the past and more recently that she feels restricted, like she could have slept with many, many more people by now, but hasn't, out of consideration for her husband and me.

We've never been monogamous together. Since we met two years ago, we've always been poly. A lot to learn and plenty of growing pains and insecurity in the first year. She seems to have recently got it into her head that other poly people "bang everything that moves," because she has seen some couples like this on the BDSM scene, and now she's feeling frustrated that in two years, her only fully sexual partners have been me, her husband and one other guy. She says that she bends over backwards to accommodate us and wonders when her return will be.

So, with this guy, or maybe future ones, I was wondering whether taking a more casual approach to her sleeping with others might help her frustration, so that she can enjoy her freedom without having to worry about us being insecure. I am secure in our relationship and am not worried that she's going to leave me, but I'm just not sure that hearing about it helps me.

You mention worry about hurting each other or breaking guidelines. If it's what you want, is it possible to revisit agreements, so you're both comfortable with spontaneous sex being fine, as long as safer sex rules are followed and it's brought up quickly afterwards?
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I was thinking the same thing, to be honest, and have suggested we go over our guidelines before she goes on her Saturday date.

Insecurity or issues with me or her husband seem to make her feel trapped, after a while. She seems to be crying out for freedom at the moment. I don't feel like I can ignore that. When she told me about her date, I made a conscious effort to sound at ease with it... but she said that I was visibly uncomfortable. To compound matters, her husband is not overly supportive and literally tends to grunt at her when she mentions dates. This then seems to get taken out on me, if I don't dance on the ceiling about her dating. So, I kind of feel that rather than risk sounding upset about her sleeping with this guy, if she doesn't have to have the conversation with me, I can deal with it quietly and not put extra pressure or guilt on her.

I'd prefer to know if my boyfriend starts dating somebody and is thinking of having sex with them. But if things moved fast, I'd at least expect to find out before we had sex again. (I'd tell him the same.) Besides knowing about new partners, that'd really be the extent of it, as I don't think he'd welcome more discussion than that. If I liked the person or not he was seeing, it'd really be a moot point.
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I would too, to be honest. She has talked about not seeing this guy, since it makes me so uncomfortable; but I just don't want that kind of resentment hanging around and I know she would feel it.
 
sparklepop said:
The first time I read this, I swear I saw something about Margarita night... hahaha.... But, yes, it made absolute sense ;)
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Haha. Yes. Then I edited. I saw Ernest Hemingway's quote yesterday, “Write drunk; edit sober.”

I can identify with most of what you said, the "trying to figure out what to do when you aren't 100% sure of either" path. I think it's great you've already thought about all the sides of everything already.

Reading your responses, my path would likely be ditching any requirement to talk about, and get an OK for sexual partners ahead of time, and see how that worked. She'd hopefully feel comfortable doing whatever felt right for her, and you'd either find out she was doing stuff that made you uncomfortable (i.e., a new partner every few weeks who wasn't proactive in their sexual health, getting involved with people who cheat, a string of one-night stands only, or taking her freedom and getting into lots of intense NRE situations). Or you might find that your interactions are blessed because you're not distracted on your dates about discussions of what might be happening next.

Her dealing with her husband and their agreements, well, at least that's up to them. At least you wont be worrying you're "stifling" her.

sparklepop said:
She says that she bends over backwards to accommodate us and wonders when her return will be.
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In a timely fashion, I was having a discussion this month about what negotiation meant to me, and I brought it up to my husband. For me, I don't feel like negotiation is giving something up-- it's working to make sure both parties are comfortable. For my husband. it was more along the lines of if he does or accepts some things that he doesn't really want, that he is OK with that, because at some point there will be a "return." This has led to some interesting talks. But if he said he felt he bent over backwards to accommodate ME, and and expected to get his at some point-- if I didn't feel he was justified in feeling that, or he had not mentioned that agreements he made weren't what he'd really want, I think I'd be a bit worried about that and what it indicated. (No idea what the actual situation is in your relationship, of course.)
 
My partners and I all know about one another's partners, but we share different amounts of information about them. One of my boyfriends can enjoy hearing stories about my husband; the other can't. I don't think it's because he wishes I weren't poly; it just doesn't make him feel good to hear those details. It may not be rational, but nobody is always rational, and that's okay. You don't need to make a big deal out of it. You can just say that you'd rather not hear about this person. It may not make sense, but it's how you feel and it's easy to accommodate.

As far as your general guidelines go, I'd try tweaking things a little at a time so you can see how it works for you, instead of making a drastic change in one go. A few months to test the waters should not be that significant in solving this long-term issue. Perhaps let your partner know you're not sure about the best way to handle information sharing going forward, and ask of she'd be willing to do some trial and error with you to try to find something that works better for both of you.
 
Sharing sexual details

So, a lot of you have read my posts before, but now my BF has an account on here, so it's a little different for me. lol.

I'm just curious about how other people handle the sharing of sexual information. For me, I like to know what my partners are into with their other partners... maybe not detailed accounts of specific 'sessions' (though my spouse and I discuss that sometimes, to some extent), but I like to know what kind of things they are into, or what kinds of acts are performed, if it's something new, etc. I'm prone to be like, "Was it good?" or ask for a follow-up if it's mentioned that something new was introduced.

I suppose this is personal preference. No one HAS to share. But if you have different views on it, like it unsettles me not to know, how do you deal with that?
 
LovingRadiance said:
I think it's a tightrope walk to find that comfortable place between open communication and crossing privacy boundaries. I fuck it up regularly between me, DH and BF. But I keep trying. :eek:
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Same here. Especially my spouse, I tell A LOT to. And I try to check in with him regularly about if he's ok with it or not, but sometimes I say too much, and sometimes he asks too much. It happens.

We recently became friends with a really awesome poly couple, and talking to the female partner has been wonderful for me. I suggest trying to find more community.
 
My personal preference is that I don't want to hear any details about the actual sex itself, just that the relationship is now a sexual one and that safer sex rules are being followed. What happens between two people in intimate moments seems a very private thing to me.

Dude is an open book. He is willing to share any and every detail about every blessed thing-- with anybody. (No filters.) We have discussed this, and it was actually not that difficult to iron out a level that was comfortable enough for both of us. If he wants more info than I naturally feel inclined to provide, then he asks, and if I am comfortable, I will answer. If I am not comfortable sharing details, I will give him an overview and explain why I am not comfortable disclosing anything further. If he starts to give me more info than I am comfortable with, I stop him, and tell him to talk to MrS if he needs an ear to bend.

MrS is much more relaxed about the whole thing. If someone wants to tell him details, then he is fine with that, and if they don't, then he is fine with that, too. He doesn't care if I share details with others. But he wouldn't share details unless asked, and then only if he knew the other person involved would be ok with the sharing of that information.

Between the three of us, everything is pretty much out in the open. It's mainly with new people that this topic would arise. We have discussed this at length.

JaneQ
 
N gives me the juicy details. I really enjoy hearing them. I find it sexy. N asks if the mood strikes him, but its been 2 years since I've had another sex partner.
 
There are two parts to this conversation, the sender and the receiver.

As a sender, it is important for me to be 'present' when I'm talking to someone. It is just as important to realize that the receiver is as disinterested in hearing about my 3-day gaming trip as it is for reporting my last sexual encounter. No matter the subject matter, I need to weigh what I would like to express, and compare it to what is being enjoyed. If someone doesn't want to hear about my exploits (gaming, sexual, or otherwise) then that helps me to be more constructive about exploring our relationship.

As a receiver, it is important for me to realize that the sender has a minimum capacity for expression before they consider it a non-conversation, and they have a maximum expression before they consider it an invasion of privacy. Either way, my job is about the same, to convey to them that, within their tolerance levels, I want more or less than what they are giving me.

IV and I have been building upon our comfort level in expressing sexual details with each other. She is *very* perceptive, and picked up on my rather limited interest in hearing details. I am becoming more expressive in giving her details relevant to the conversation. We are both working within our overall tolerances, but keeping in mind the audience and their desire to hear more or less (or types of details).

This is just the process of getting to know someone, imo.

gorgeouskitten said:
it unsettles me not to know. How do you deal with that?
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Being unsettled by not hearing enough detail would give me pause. I would presume that I am having a personal issue with the fact that something is happening outside of my realm of control.

What is it that unsettles you? What details would sate this fear? What do you imagine will happen if you don't hear these details, versus what happens if you do?
 
I definitely do not want to know any details of that kind. What goes on in that bedroom should stay in that bedroom. It's not my business, nor is it information I could promise to handle well.

gorgeouskitten said:
I suppose this is personal preference. No one HAS to share. But if you have different views on it, like it unsettles me not to know, how do you deal with that?
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Might easily turn out to be a breakup reason for me if I turned out to have vastly different views on what constitutes "need to know" to a partner. *shrug*
 
Butch would like to know, but I do not want to share.
Murf wouldn't like it. He and I both are private people.
 
I like knowing details. I'll take them as juicy as she'll give them to me, but I usually ask questions about the highlights, or the overall type of sex. I do this to be modest and respectful. If I sense that she's enjoying telling, I'll ask a little more.

I'm definitely a voyeur, so hearing details excites me greatly. It is sometimes intimidating for me as well. Two of her other lovers (out of 4 of us) are really good at oral. I'm mediocre. They also have bigger cocks. (One uses a strap-on.) She has admitted that she prefers bigger a little bit. I've witnessed this while I pleasuring her with ultra realistic dildos. I like it this way, because I like the cuckold fetish elements quite a bit. I don't have an interest in pure cuckolding though, or that whole fetish as a lifestyle. It's all totally poly with a dash of cuckolding.

Anyway, for me it's really hot to hear the details. About 5% of the time, I'm shook up and intimidated after. That gives my fetish experience more power for me, though. There has to be some intensity of emotion, or I have no interest in the cuckolding element. So, I'm actually kinda fortunate that her other lovers are impressive, considering my inclinations. It is a bit of a balancing act, though.

I haven't had many other dates. I don't think she will want any details other than the specifics regarding safety and agreements.
 
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This is actually something my husband and I talk about on a regular basis: balancing our urge to share with respecting the other person/people involved, and their privacy.

Luckily, I am mostly involved with people who are perfectly happy with me sharing whatever I want. In fact, they have started working together to push my boundaries when it comes to some kink stuff (something I have been wanting to do for a while anyway, but it somehow seems easier with 2 people encouraging me). :D

I'm comfortable not knowing, as well, if there are people involved who don't like details shared. Like someone else said, as long as I am made aware when a relationship becomes sexual and that all rules/boundaries are being respected, I'm good to go. Anything else is just icing on the cake. :p
 
Thanks for all the great responses!

I find it interesting, because my BF and I are very different on this issue. He'll listen, but he doesn't necessarily want to tell me stuff. I was originally asking because he brought something up, and then backed off on explaining, and I was annoyed. lol.

But I get that people have some privacy stuff, and this is a touchy subject to feel out (no pun intended).
 
I love to tell and hear. Neither T nor K want to tell or hear.

Coincidently, that's about the only thing about my life K doesn't like me to share with her.
 
I found a rather amusing (to me in all my childishness) analogy on Reddit last night:

You may be comfortable pooping with the door open, but it doesn't mean I want to see it.

You may extend that to, you may be comfortable with ME pooping with the door open, but I'm not.

Hm. Maybe lunch wasn't the best time to type this up...
At any rate, I'm not an open-door kinda gal. :)
 
The right of way always goes to the person who isn't comfortable with sharing details. I believe respect must be shown to those who consider it private information and do not want anyone privy to the details. Whether or not a lover of mine had sex, and whether or not it was safer sex is all I demand my partners tell me.

However, when people are comfortable, and no there is no disrespect shown, I do like people who share. And I like to share details. My problem is that when it comes to private matters, and you are not put at risk not knowing, invasion of that private information is a very big deal to me. I firmly believe that NOBODY HAS THE RIGHT TO SHAME ANOTHER WHEN IT COMES TO SEX.

If someone doesn't care whether or not the whole world could have front row seats to every sexual event, that is their decision, and they are the ones who get to make that decision. Overstepping boundaries, to me, is a very serious offense. Peeping Toms, or people who film others without their permission, or those who shame or blackmail others about sexuality, are right there with the lowest opinion I could possibly have of person.

I believe there are some things that people can never be justified in doing when it comes to another's autonomy, and sex is one of those things.

It is also one of those things where permission and consent from fully knowledgeable adults -- when it does not affect me -- I don't have any right to tell them what is right or wrong, as that is between them and the parties involved, that freedom to choose, and the mandatory respect it demands, is how I view sacred things.
 
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N's gf J doesn't want to know when he has sex with other women. He asked her if he should tell her when he's seeing someone new, but she would rather not know. She doesn't tell him either. He doesn't care either way. I ask her, but I'm nosy. lol
 
One thing to note is that disclosing sexual details means providing information about a third party who may not want to have the information shared.

I may be comfortable sharing sexual information about me and my spouse with my girlfriend. But what if the spouse wouldn't want the information shared? Consent of every party involved is important.
 
Having sex with someone you don't trust to be courteous with your feelings and reputation is reckless. If you (plural you, not anyone in particular) choose to do this, then I suppose that being embarrassed by what someone is sharing is your own fault.

If you don't trust me enough to be courteous about the details of your life, and minimize harm done to you by something I might say, why did you have sex with me? That's just weird, imo.

Nudge said:
One thing to note is that disclosing sexual details means providing information about a third party who may not want to have the information shared.

I may be comfortable sharing sexual information about me and my spouse with my girlfriend, but what if the spouse wouldn't want the information shared? Consent of every party involved is important.
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I don't ask people specifically what details they are comfortable with my sharing with other people unless there is some particular reason to do so. (I've never encountered that reason, but I presume it could be out there.) The reason to be concerned about what information should be shared is generally, "Will this information be used to embarrass or injure me at some point in the future?" I guess there are some people who are touchy about information being shared about themselves for reasons other than fear of potential harm, but I don't know what those reasons would be.

I make sure to get to know my partners and to understand if they are paranoid about being injured or embarrassed, or if they live their life in a more open-book fashion. I also consider the person I am speaking to, and whether or not they have a tendency to gossip, or have a problem with their brain-mouth filter. Once I discover that someone has a brain-mouth filter issue, I stop sharing with them (anything, really). Once I discover that my partner is paranoid about their details and doesn't trust me to be careful with them, my guess is that relationship is not going to be very intimate.

So, I would say, considering the source of the information, and whom you are sharing it with, should be the most important piece. Getting consent to tell someone about a sexual encounter with someone else isn't something I find practical.
 
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