Career Guy Looses Out to Drug Dealer? Why?

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will

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Career Guy Looses Out to Broke Drug Dealer? Why?

I'm 34, no children, minority (mixed Black/Native, which may matter), working on my own business, with prospects to acquire a license to practice law internationally soon (UK solicitorship).

A young woman (a little younger than me) and I were getting along just fine; nothing sexual or anything just yet (just getting the relationship started, but that's not the point). In the meantime, I'm working on moving into a house (in an more upscale location, etc.). Long story short, she decides to go out with a drug dealer who is obviously not very good at dealing drugs, has no job to supplement, and can't drive because he's got a DUI.

My question is, even women my own age and throughout my life, even one I married (yes, I was once married for 10 months, sad, I know already haha), I've always lost out to the drug dealers and the other scoundrels like that. The women want them. Then they always come back to me wanting me to raise the resulting children with them. It seems no one wants to have children with me, but they sure the hell want me to raise theirs. Why?

I'm good looking, well spoken, strong. Most say my personality is intimidating (in the "business-man powerful-type sense"), intelligent (in both the negative and positive sense of the words), just to be fair and well-rounded here.

Any advice is very very much welcome and appreciated!

I want to avoid going through this again. But from nerdy girls to bad girls, and everything in between, I can never get it right. This always happens. it seems like I'm gonna continue this unless I'm willing to clean up the mess of some loser's enjoyment. Unfortunately for me, I'm not willing to accept footing the bill for someone else's party (emotionally, socially, and financially, which btw is actually the easiest of the three)

What's wrong with me?

Is it really that I'm just choosing the wrong women? Or, what's more likely, it's me. I'm the ass or the one who is wrong...? Even through I've dated all kinds of women (educated, not so, younger, older, wiser, dumber, street smart and street born, non-street anything, nice, mean, liar, honest, and all in between... Is there any other example of this with anyone you may know? Please do tell me what the result of what I'm going through is? A lonely old man, or a man who figures it out eventually? Soooo many questions...

Signed,
Angry and pathetic
 
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will said:
From nerdy girls to bad girls, and everything in between, I can never get it right.

... and financially, which, btw, is actually the easiest of the three. What wrong with me?
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There are "the same types of women" in all those categories... but it sounds like all the women you've chosen have one thing in common: they like rich guys who take care of them. Believe it or not, that does NOT describe all women!

will said:
Is it really that I'm just choosing the wrong women?
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Pretty much, yeah...

I've never found truly rewarding relationships ANY TIME that I was "looking for something." But the moment I STOPPED looking, happiness always fell into my lap.

In your shoes, with so many failed attempts, I would honestly talk to a counsellor to figure out what need you're trying to fill with these women, and find a way to fill it yourself. Then, when you don't "need" anything from the women, you'll stop finding women who need something from you...
 
I'm sorry, but how is this a question related to polyamory? I'm not trying to be rude, just wanting to know the connection.

I agree, there are lots of women out there that will treat you with more respect. Perhaps taking a chance on a woman you may never have in the past may help. Someone you would not normally notice.

I was a lesbian for 10 years before I met my husband. I thought there were no men out there for me. Then I took notice of one that I would never have noticed before and boom, 12 years later, here we are. Now I have two men in my life. Mono is another type of man I would never have noticed before. I would have really struggled with him in the past. Heck, we struggle now to understand each other. The point is it's the heart of someone, their similar values and beliefs that lead to relationship success, not a type of person, at least in my experience.
 
She decides to go out with a drug dealer who is obviously not very good at dealing drugs, has no job to supplement, and cant drive because he's got a DUI.
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You're dating in a pool of people with very diverse value sets. So I'll give you my take, given that I have a very... iconoclastic... set of values.

Drugs are a product that people want and are willing to pay for. In the biggest case, some of the "illegal" drugs are safer than the legal ones. And yet, they're still criminalized. Despite this criminalization, those transactions are almost always done on a voluntary basis between consenting people.

And you're stigmatizing them. Perhaps that's a turn off to the people that you're dating.

My step-mother dated, one after another, physically abusive, violent aggressive assholes. What she didn't understand then was that she was attracted to counter-traits of that. She wanted a man who would "take charge" and "be confident," and her example of taking charge was ignoring her wishes if "he thought it was best." This same trait, which I pretty much consider a lack of respect, allowed those same men to smack her around and smash her face into walls when she did something they didn't like.

The only way for her to get out of the "all of the guys around me turn out to be dicks" rut was to honestly evaluate what it was that she was attracted to, and find the common (positive) traits she found in all of the abusers and stay the hell away from them.

Perhaps you're dating "freaky" women. Ladies who are unabashedly sexual, iconoclastic, critical thinkers, thrill-seekers. whatever. The flip side of this is that when they DO think critically and ignore the law, they run into folks who conflict with YOUR value sets (you seem to value law-abiders, the stability of a regular job, et cetera). Until you reconcile those disparities, you won't find someone you connect with on the level you're looking for.
 
Yes, I used to think that people who are responsible and don't break the law were boring, goody-two-shoes types. But it has very little to do with being responsible and staying out of trouble. It's really about being able to be yourself and feeling comfortable around someone. My husband is responsible and has no criminal record but he is not a goody-goody type. I'm not saying the OP is a goody-goody type. I'm simply agreeing with Drunken Porcupine that there are certain qualities that masquerade as other qualities when it comes to why someone is attracted to a certain "profile".
 
How fascinating. I totally didn't think of this, DrunkenPorcupine. What an interesting idea! Hope this helps the man. It makes a lot of sense to me.
 
Good call, DrunkenPorcupine.

I don't think it has anything to do with your income, your owning a house, your race, or your age. It's not really about who you are; if you're chasing the wrong women, you're chasing the wrong women.

It also sounds like you're generalizing. How many women have you dated that you feel comfortable saying that you've tried every type? If you're basing your assumptions on just a handful of women, it's quite possible that they were just simply incompatible individuals, and that not *all* straight women want the bad boy type of guy.

I hope you get your answers, and find someone that makes you happy, regardless of what "type" she is. :)
 
Wow, thank you Drunken Porcupine, and all replies! These advisements are very true, and they all help me understand my faults, where I am going wrong, and where I may be able to do better or become better. It also helps me understand why perhaps I'm doing this, and it's definitely a problem about myself that I should change if I ever want to have something more compatible.
 
DrunkenPorcupine said:
Perhaps you're dating "freaky" women. Ladies who are unabashedly sexual, iconoclastic, critical thinkers, thrill-seekers. whatever. The flip side of this is that when they DO think critically and ignore the law, they run into folks who conflict with YOUR value sets (you seem to value law-abiders, the stability of a regular job, et cetera). Until you reconcile those disparities, you won't find someone you connect with on the level you're looking for.
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There's wisdom in this.
There's an old adage that says "opposites attract" and that doesn't just apply to magnetism (or is it !).
There is definitely a trait in humanity that tends to draw us toward people who seem to have an element of something we feel lacking in ourselves. I think this may be what Porcupine is referring to.
Maybe in your case you wish there was a piece of you that was more able to live a bit on the wild side. But rather than risk it yourself you're grabbing at it on the way by.
For you to determine I guess .

GS
 
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