A jealous ex

F

FitChick

New member
I am dealing with the following issue:

My new polyamorous boyfriend was previously in a monoamorous relationship with a strictly mono partner, but it broke down because she was unwilling to let him spend time with other women or have female friends. It seems as if she initially accepted his polyamorous side, but then, when he expressed a desire to see other women, she became manipulative and jealous.

Now that she is aware he is seeing me, she is barraging him with text messages, phone calls and crying spells. She wants him back, but only on her terms. She even describes polyamory as disgusting. I have suggested to him that the three of us sit down together and discuss it, but she won't do that, even though I am quite willing to get out of my own comfort zone to do so.

I know this is 'her' self esteem issue and 'her' issue with the polyamory, but I suggested to him that he needs to sort it out once and for all, or it will affect all of his future relationships, not only this one with me.

This is the first time I have had to deal with a jealous woman. I am not sure how to respond. Any suggestions?
 
Hi FC,

First off, welcome to the forum. I find it very courageous of you to open up to strangers so soon after becoming part of this forum.

That said, I agree with you when you said that this is her issue to deal with. Unfortunately, it's very difficult to see the person you care about go through this when, essentially, you can't help them. I don't find anything wrong with you telling him that you feel he should deal with the ex once and for all. In fact, it's important to tell him how you feel.

In the end, it's up to him to decide to do this, or not. I would suggest that you don't take it personally if he doesn't heed your advice, as it might be something he needs to figure out on his own.

Then again, that's just my take on it, and I'm sure there are wiser people here that will give better advice.
 
IMO, if she is an ex, then he needs to sever ties with her and ask/demand that she stop contacting him, harassing him, stalking him, whatever you want to call it.

If he's interested in maintaining some kind of relationship with her (which I think would be ill-advised, personally), then you need to decide if you're willing to be involved in the drama of it.

I personally don't think the three of you sitting down would be in any way productive, since she's already pretty much indicated that she is not willing to accept any form of poly or open relationship, going so far as to term it disgusting, and so forth.

As Jonny said, I think this is something he needs to figure out on his own, but you do have the right to not have it invade your relationship with him, and to ask him to either resolve it or move on.
 
Thank you for both your advice! :) I am strongly aware of keeping my own personal boundaries secure. Fortunately, I live in a separate city, so don't have to deal with the drama day to day. He wants to move the relationship with me forward, but I have told him that is unwise, considering the current situation. I am not prepared to walk into a 'fire' that is not my responsibility to deal with!
 
FitChick said:
I am not prepared to walk into a 'fire' that is not my responsibility to deal with!
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To me, that shows what a strong character you have, as it's easy to get wrapped up in NRE, and ignore warning signs that you're "walking into a fire." Good for you!
 
An interesting development took place tonight, on his Facebook page, of all places. I knew she was trying to bait me, but I just wished her a Happy Christmas and hoped she was having a nice holiday. It was all very civil and, to be honest, I was somewhat shocked at how well it went. Of course, I know this won't last, but I am proud that I did not let her get to me. I am much stronger emotionally than I give myself credit for! :)

When I told him about this development a couple of hours ago, he again indicated he would like me to move closer to him. (He says I 'get' him.) I told him there wasn't any rush, and that he needs to sort out his issues with her before things can progress from my end. So we have decided to enjoy the NRE and review it down the track, without a timeframe. This will also give me time to adjust to polyamory and figure what out my needs are in the relationship.
 
FitChick, I think your approach is very mature and sensible.

It sounds to me like her "bottom line" isn't compatible with you and him having a relationship. There's really no point wasting time even trying to make things work - they're not going to.

This is between him and her, and I think you are absolutely right in requiring him to get this sorted out before you and he enter into something more committed (like you moving).

Personally, I don't see the value with you and her having any contact - it just gives her another avenue to be angry with someone, and try to potentially manipulate the situation (if that is her style, and I obviously don't know her, so am guessing). What does having this contact bring to the effort of resolving this?

It definitely sounds like you are on the right track with this, based on what you have said.
 
I guess it's just the part of me that hates fighting. That is why I made the effort. I can't see us having regular contact. I guess I just wanted to test the waters. But I do get your point. The only value I see coming out of this is that she may be able to manipulate him, but not me. I now know that this is just her trying to assert her 'property rights.'
 
FitChick said:
I guess it's just the part of me that hates fighting. That is why I made the effort. I can't see us having regular contact. I guess I just wanted to test the waters. But I do get your point. The only value I see coming out of this is that she may be able to manipulate him, but not me. I now know that this is just her trying to assert her 'property rights.'
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You are showing him you will not be manipulated by her, and how he could conduct himself differently with her, too. Good for you. She will peter out when she sees it isn't working, and hopefully find someone else to have the kind of relationship she wants to have.
 
If you become available to her by ha ving contact, then if she is the type that likes to manipulate others (and I'm not saying she is or isn't) then this gives her another gambit to play. I would take that away from her, and leave it between him and her to sort out.
 
She emailed me today, so I forwarded the messages to him, and then discussed them with him. She was 'fishing' for information. I gave her very little. He advised me to cut contact with her altogether, so I have done that. Like has been said before, it serves no purpose. It is between him and her to sort it out. There are clearly unresolved feelings, so I need to let him work through those.
 
The core issue here remains unchanged. If he is committed to polyamory and she is committed to monoamory, they are incompatible at that basic level, and should have ended things at that point. The fact that they remain emotionally entangled with each other is a clear indication that they are each getting something out of continuing the relationship. If they were not, they would have moved on already.

The question you may wish to ask yourself is: What are you getting out of this situation? If the answer is nothing, or not much, consider withdrawing until it is resolved.
 
Thanks, Fidelia. I appreciate your input.

I discussed it at length with him last night. He is adamant that he is not going to give in to her demands for monoamory when he knows he can't do it. He also admitted their dependence is what I described as 'toxic,' and he is finding it very hard to withdraw on an emotional level, but not physical.

For this reason, I suggested he take time out for himself, give himself time to heal and let me just be his friend. Although I have feelings for him, I would much rather he is healed for the sake of ANY future relationship. So I have organised (along with another one of his female friends) something for him for his birthday to let him know he has our unconditional support, because we were all friends before this happened.
 
FitChick said:
For this reason I suggested he take time out for himself,give himself time to heal and let me just be his friend. Although I have feelings for him I would much rather he is healed for the sake of ANY future relationship.
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Forgive me for saying so, but this seems like a very mature, compassionate and caring way of approaching this. He is very lucky to have you as a friend.
 
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