How can I get myself hot for my 1st lover when all my body wants is my new lover?

[lilyankh]

Main Issue: I've been with my husband for 5 years; I love him and can't live without him. No one knows me better. But his self-esteem has been low, and our sex life has been on and off, and boring, for at least a year. No matter what he does, I just don't get wet anymore for him. We have to use lube all the time.

9 months ago I met my boyfriend. It became sexual about 6 months ago. The sex is HOT and FUN.

So, the other week, my husband unintentionally (or not) overheard my boyfriend make me cum several times in one session. This was devastating to my husband's self-esteem, because he rarely makes me cum. So in light of this, he has declared that he has given up trying to spice things up, and that if I have any ideas, we can try them. I am cool with that.

More Details: I am the more creative and the dominant one in the relationship, anyway. He relies on me for everything else (food, home stuff, social-calendar stuff). But I can't seem to block out my boyfriend in my head to reconnect with my husband. Sexually, all I can think about is my boyfriend. When I think about my husband, I think sweet, kind, patient, best friend, etc., but none of that makes me wet.

The one thing that worked once was when I role-played as his Domme. That got me very hot. But while he doesn't mind that, he is not good at role-playing, and once we started fucking, it was the same boring style and my mind wandered again. Plus, I need to learn more about being a Domme, because I don't think I was very good at it. (I'm talking about domming for an hour of sex, not full time.)

Question: How can I get myself hot for my husband, when all my mind wants sexually is my boyfriend?

 

[BoringGuy]

You do whatever it takes. Otherwise, just have sex and don't worry about getting "hot". This assumes that you WANT to maintain a sexual connection with your more established partner. The way I say it here sounds simplistic and vulgar, but i don't have time to type out all the examples. I went through this a year or two ago, and still am to some extent, although now it's the otehr way around and my Spouse is really hot for their other partner... It's ok, it will all come around again. Just treat each other good.

 

[HimAndHerInBP]

Have you spoken with him about what his desires are and what turns him on? If you can find that, perhaps he'll get a bit more exciting instead of same old same old. And with that, it will likely fix your moisture problem.

 

[BoringGuy]

Have you spoke with him about what his desires are and what turns him on? If you can find that, perhaps he'll get a bit more exciting instead of same old same old. And with that, it will likely fix your moisture problem.

Being "hot" for someone is about more than just getting wet. LOL...

 

[IndieSolo]

Lilyankh, maybe you could ask yourself what, specifically, makes sex with your husband so boring, then try to do the opposite.

For example, you mentioned your thoughts about his personality. He sounds like more of a gentle, loving, yet somewhat dependent person. So, maybe you want him to be more assertive, aggressive. Ask him to dominate you, tear your clothes off, handcuff you, take you more forcefully, etc.

Or if it is very specific techniques that bore you, read up on new things to do. If you always wind up in the same old position, change it up, change the room. If it's always missionary with the lights off, then do it against the wall in the dining room in the middle of the day. Tell him you want him to surprise you with something you've never done before, at least once a week. Let him know you want him to be creative. Take him to a sex toy store and get ideas.

If it's a personality thing, then what would make your husband more interesting to you? So often we take for granted that the people in our lives are who they are, and never change. But that is impossible. We are all a little bit new every single day. Maybe he has secret desires, untapped talents, that you could encourage him to explore and share with you.

Take a fun class together, find a new hobby or social circle together, let him take over some of the things he depends on you for, and try to see him in a new light. I think the last part is most important. It's so easy to say someone else is boring, but how much are we really willing to see that person for all of who they are, and not just the everyday role they play in our life? How much is it you taking him for granted, and expecting him to be predictable, which might set in motion a self-fulfilling prophecy? Maybe you need to get to know him better!

Just a few ideas for you. I hope you find some inspiration.

 

[BoringGuy]

It's important that you realize this is just a phase. This isn't how it has to be forever.

You can also fantasize that you're "trying" things on your husband that you want to try with your boyfriend, and variations on that theme. Husband does not have to know you're doing this unless it's something that you think or know would be a turn-on for him.

 

[SchrodingersCat]

The one thing that worked once was I role-played as his Domme. That got me very hot. But while he doesn't mind that, he is not good at role-playing. And once we started fucking, it was the same boring style and my mind wandered again. Plus, I need to learn more about being a Domme, because i don't think I was very good at it. (I'm talking about domming for an hour of sex, not full time.)

Well one thing about being a Domme is that you have to just take it. You "use" him to satisfy yourself, and you let his pleasure come from you pleasuring yourself with him. In other words, if it reverts back to boring old missionary, you have nobody to blame but yourself, because you're the one driving the scene. So blindfold him, tie his arms up, and take what you want! (Negotiate all that before you start, so that you don't cross any boundaries, of course.)

At least, that's what my husband's told me he wants from me when he wants to be submissive and have me dominate him. It doesn't come naturally for me, because I'm a passive, easy-going person. Taking control and having my way just doesn't feel loving.

But that requires your husband to actually desire the submissive role, or else you really will be using him. It's hard for me to get my head around, because to me "using" someone for my own sexual gratification is wrong. But my husband assures me that's what he wants and that it's what will bring him pleasure, so I dig deep, psych myself up, and just do it.

As for it being "just a phase," that really depends. If you don't do something about it and let it just continue, then there's a real chance that the phase will grow longer and longer and just become "the way it is now." Most people really do need active effort to maintain a healthy, exciting sex life after the newness wears off.

 

[lilyankh]

Making myself more clear

Thank you, everyone! All of you have been helpful, especially NYCindie. You gave me a lot of suggestions.

I realize now I was not clear enough. My husband is easily turned on by me. I don't have to do much. He's always ready to go. I do the special things he likes. The issue is, I'm struggling to get wet for him, but more specifically he doesn't make me cum very often, and this bothers him, especially since he found out my boyfriend does all the time. (Don't ask; it's a long story.)

We are going to do whatever it takes. We have always been open and communicating about this issue. We are always trying new things... but so far, no luck. I just have so much trouble getting hot enough to cum. And he is not going to feel better until he can make me cum.

I have tried to tell him, at first gently, and then very clearly, that I would like him to be more "assertive, aggressive, dominate me, tear my clothes off, handcuff me, take me more forcefully, etc." as one of you suggested. But he admittedly just can't do it. It makes him uncomfortable. (And I am able to get this with my boyfriend). He has a low self-esteem, which just keeps getting worse, and then he had no confidence, and then I have a lot of trouble being turned on by this, which just perpetuates the problem.

I know if we spent more time together it would be easier, but his job takes him 6 days a week, all day. This caused a lot of issues for me at first. Now that I have a boyfriend, things are better for me. But my husband and I have the same problems... too little time, too little bonding and sex.

(Note: The boyfriend doesn't take time away from my husband and me. Only the job.) He will not have this job forever, but he will for a few more years, so we are going to have to figure out something.

The next thing we are going to try is to explore the world of kink... We'll see.

 

[Anneintherain]

Did you used to orgasm a lot during sex with your husband? I've found that to be mainly about penis shape for me. I.e., with a curved penis, I wouldn't ever orgasm from intercourse alone, a straight penis, the opposite.

Anyway, I think there's an unhealthy amount of responsibility being put on your husband here to suddenly change after years to be something else, I'm sure he feels the pressure, and so, of course, his self-esteem is going to keep taking a beating. One suggestion is if you don't get wet, don't have sex with him until you do, even if it means not having sex. Maybe that sexual frustration will make you work harder at getting aroused.

I'd spend a lot of time on literotica.com, so I was already aroused before trying to have sex with him. I don't think its my partner's job to arouse my body, it's largely mine, and my mind's. It sounds like you have some wrangling of your mind to do to get it back on track to take control of your own pleasure. It's up to you to find ways to keep your boyfriend out of it while you focus on enjoying what you actually have going on with your husband (unless fantasizing is a help, but here it just sounds like it's frustrating).

If you were content with the sex you were having before, and now that you've decided you prefer assertive and aggressive, you're not going to be content unless your husband is like that, well that's kind of shitty, I think, and unfair. People who aren't comfortable with that don't often wake up comfortable with it one day, and repeated requests for them to be different so you can manage to enjoy the sex more are destructive to the relationship. Speaking from experience.

I do hope you find some kinky activities you can share, that he is comfortable with, too.

I also suggest seeing a counselor who's experienced in sexual topics a couple times, to see if you could get help there.

 

[Josie]

Have you tried using toys? Personally, I'm damn near impossible to finish off from sex alone, and the toys really help.

Sometimes it's a matter of association, as well. If you largely associate your boyfriend with pleasure, you're going to get turned on by him. It sounds like you don't associate your husband with pleasure anymore.

Using toys and such to stimulate yourself during sex, may still not directly be him turning you on, but it really helps in associating your lover with the pleasure you're receiving.

Mutual masturbation can work in quite the same way.

I think you just need to experience pleasure around your husband again, and then, when you're with him in a similar setting, your memories and physical associations should do the rest for you.

 

[SchrodingersCat]

"Assertive, aggressive, dominate me, tear my clothes off, handcuff me, take me more forcefully, etc." He just can't do it. It makes him uncomfortable. (And I am able to get this with my boyfriend). He has a low self-esteem, which just keeps getting worse, and then he had no confidence, and then I have a lot of trouble being turned on by this.

I would phrase it to him as, "This is what I need to get off. It's about me, not you. My sexual needs, not your ability to perform. But if satisfying me is something that's important to you, then these are the skills you need to learn."

I can relate to him, as dominating doesn't come naturally be me, either. I have to psych myself up for it and really put myself in someone else's shoes. But it's worth it. That's the only way to get my husband to moan and groan. That's how he is. "My" inability to get him of with vanilla has nothing to do with my ability to stimulate, and everything with his ability to be stimulated.

I think there's an unhealthy amount of responsibility being put on your husband here to suddenly change after years to be something else, I'm sure he feels the pressure, and so, of course, his self-esteem is going to keep taking a beating.

Good point. When I'm not already in the mood, nothing anyone else does will get me there. Maybe, with you now expecting it not to work, you've failed before you've even started.

 

[GalaGirl]

We are always trying new things, but so far, no luck. I just have so much trouble getting hot enough to cum, and he is not going to feel better until he can make me cum.

Why is orgasm the goal? Why is you having an orgasm the only thing that makes the shared sex successful to him? That seems so odd to me. I tend to think the goal of a good sex share is to share!

If orgasm is the goal, I can always roll over and masturbate and get off. Presto! It's not like I need a partner to cum. Sharing sex with a partner is for enjoying being with the partner, to me.

He has low self-esteem, which just keeps getting worse, and then he has no confidence, and then I have a lot of trouble being turned on by this, which just perpetuates the problem.

Well, if there's bad self-esteem, what's he plan to do to work on it?

If DH is dependent on you for everything, maybe there's the other thing-- it isn't him "sharing" himself, so much as you doing all the work? You aren't being gifted his sex share in a close intimate time. It's more like clocking time? Who wants that, to feel like you are servicing him, rather than enjoying a good sex share with a partner you desire and are turned on by?

How does HE want to share himself in sex? How does HE want to deal with his self-esteem bucket of issues?

I don't see how pulling away from each other will solve anything. Keep trying to come together and share the time, not avoid it due to lack of orgasm!

I know if we spent more time together it would be easier, but his job takes him 6 days a week, all day.

Well, that is a limitation you presently both have to deal with, the job taking up so much time.

Try to relax and have fun with each other. Give him something new to think about. He's not up for "rough stuff," so perhaps this could honor that for him, but could be intense enough for you.

Since you want to explore new things, and you got the lube out already, and he wants to make you cum, and you are thinking about kink, how about exploring "A Hand in the Bush?" with him? It's slow, intimate edge play of another kind. Learning to do this together might increase your hotness for him, and his confidence in his sex skills.

I don't know if that floats your boat. But if it does, make a date for Target. Get the gloves, a small mister bottle for water to spray and reactivate the lube, and hit the baby aisle for a waterproof bassinet liner to sit on when you are in bed exploring this. (If you both learn it to where you cum and squirt, it will go all over. Hello, laundry!) I can't imagine he would not be impressed. "Wow! I helped her do that!" A nice boost to the esteem.

Since BF gets you off in so many other ways, perhaps this could be something you save as a special thing for just your husband.

HTH!
GG

 

[Marcus]

Why is orgasm the goal? Why is you having an orgasm the only thing that makes the sex successful, to him?

I agree. Both of you might take a look at your assumptions regarding what is a functional romantic life. One of the benefits of a non-traditional relationship is that no one person is responsible for all of our romantic desires/needs. We also have the ability to be reasonable about the fluctuations our relationship might go through over time.

It sounds like your husband is in a bit of a rut. It happens. The first thing he will want to do is get over (entirely) his insistence on your orgasm and wetness. It doesn't matter if you "always used to" orgasm with him or not, because that is not the way it is now. Sex should be enjoyed and shared. If it's work, then you are officially doing it wrong. One great way to scare off an orgasm is to be overly concerned about its arrival. I say, stop worrying about what you don't have and work with what you do have.

 

[SkylerSquirrel]

I don't think its my partners job to arouse my body. It's largely mine, and my mind's. It sounds like you have some wrangling of your mind to do to get it back on track to take control of your own pleasure.

I like this idea. I will keep it in mind (no pun intended).

 

[JaneQSmythe]

Gestalt

I'm going to respond to my "gestalt" of this thread, as opposed to specific quotes.

1. Give it time. NRE lasts 6 months to two years. Until you are past that, and things have "settled down," things are still in flux.

Attention waxes and wanes. When I got together with Dude, I was hot for him all the time. He was "new and shiny" and I had a huge store of "horny" saved up! Now (two years in), I have sex with Dude all the time. Sex with MrS is no more frequent, but, because of its infrequency, is much more "wetness"-inducing.

2. You are responsible for getting your needs met, even if it means doing it yourself.

I really like the suggestion that you add toys to your play. There is nothing wrong with lubes/toys. Get yourself close and then get him to "finish" you, or let him have his fun, then "finish" yourself. Make him watch you get yourself off, not letting him participate, etc.

3. It is okay to give someone a "gift" of sex, if you want to.

I'm not saying that you should do anything that makes you uncomfortable! But I can give my boyfriend a blowjob (when I'm not in the mood) because he will enjoy it. Even if I am not turned on by the act itself, I still enjoy HIS enjoyment. Sometimes I get "oral favors" from him, too, because I want it, even when there is no reciprocal activity expected. Yes, it's great when sexual activity is mutually-sexually satisfactory, but it is actually okay for the attention to be one-sided sometimes, if everyone is happy with that.

 

[Vexxed]

I realize this thread has been dormant for 7 months, but I wonder how things have gone for her.

Also, I second the advice from GalaGirl regarding exploring fisting. I have worked towards fisting a little bit with a woman that I'm dating, and while she can't fit my whole hand in yet, she really really enjoys lots of fingers pressing into her front wall, and cums hard while she rubs her clit at the same time. That helped me to get out of a rut.

Since you want to explore new things, and you got the lube out already, and he wants to make you cum and you are thinking about kink, how about exploring "A Hand in the Bush?" with him? It's slow, intimate edge play of another kind. Learning to do that together might increase your hotness for him and his self esteem in his sex skills.

I also heard the woman I'm dating cum, and scream louder, than any woman I've been with, including her, while she was with her other boyfriend. That knocked the wind out of me, even though I already had a cuckold fetish, which was a surprise to me.

She was curious about me being dominant and aggressive, as well, but I only pulled it off a few times. I felt out of place. A huge part of it was how I saw/see myself relative to her other partners.

We started to use cuckold fantasy play to help us. It worked regarding arousal and me beginning to feel compersion, but it is tough at times to keep your balance with this fetish and polyamory.

Anyway, after some months, I/we moved on and explored other things, nothing spectacular, and forgot about cuckolding for a bit. Now, she has a new partner who she has a ton of sex with. This trans-male person has a bigger cock and is definitely better than me at oral, and he's one hell of a fun party person. We've pulled out the cuckold fetish again, as it helps me get in a mindset for compersion, rather than competing.

Anyway, I'm in no frame of mind to give overall advice, but it does seem like this couple's situation is the exact arrangement that husbands into the cuckold fetish would like to be in. To top it off, she said that she did enjoy dominating him a bit when they tried her as the dominant. Also, she is more dominant is other areas of life. Well, I'm really curious as to how they are doing.

 

[cuddlecakes]

So, this was a year ago. I'm curious how things have worked out.

He sounds like more of a gentle, loving, yet somewhat dependent person. So maybe you want him to be more assertive, aggressive. Ask him to dominate you, tear your clothes off, handcuff you, take you more forcefully, etc.

As a gentle, cuddly, loving, vanilla-horny man with low self-esteem, this would probably not work out well for me. One girl did get me to be more aggressive with her by being playfully aggressive with me first, biting me or pinching me so that I had to hold her down to prevent it, etc. But expecting me to turn into a Dom overnight is not going to happen. I won't do it right, and will feel even more insecure when I fail.

BDSM is a negative, uncomfortable thing to me, whereas playful wrestling is positive and fun, and can result in some of the same situations? Depends whether the thrill is from being physically overpowered, or from being in actual danger, I suppose.

We are going to do what ever it takes. We have always been open and communicating about this issue.

Good attitude!

I would like him to be more "assertive, aggressive, dominate me, tear my clothes off, handcuff me, take me more forcefully, etc." as one of you suggested. He just can't do it. It makes him uncomfortable.

Yep.

He has low self esteem, which just keeps getting worse, and then he has no confidence, and then I have a lot of trouble being turned on by this, which just perpetuates the problem.

Yep. But this cycle, can you help to reverse it? Are you giving him positive reinforcement when he does something right, instead of only negative reinforcement when he doesn't please you? Do you tell him he's hot, even if you don't 100% believe it? Maybe it will make him feel more confident, which will surprisingly make it come true.