LovingRadiance
Active member
Very important. Something we established prior to ever being poly. Things to really consider before having children even if you ARE NOT poly.
Children and Polyamory: Merged Threads, General Discussion
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Very important. Something we established prior to ever being poly. Things to really consider before having children even if you ARE NOT poly.
sparklepop
New member
I will definitely have a read of that - thank you!
I agree with this entirely.
That is really good to know.
Thank you for this reassuring answer!
sparklepop
New member
GalaGirl, I always like your blunt responses. Please feel free to get as harsh as you like.
That sounded much more flirtatious than intended.
I absolutely agree with and understand this. I do not take it personally. I simply think it's a shame that she does not know how to, or want to do the personal growth work. But, c'est la vie.
This is something I've encouraged GF to seriously think about for the future. As you say, Baby is only three, and the younger she is, the less affected by everything she is going to be.
Again, I agree with this. Deep-rooted emotional issues between GF and Granny. I won't go into it here, but yes, GF has had a lot of therapy before about Granny. Obviously there's an element of 'second chance' thinking from Granny to Baby. It's one of the reasons GF keeps her around. She was truly quite rubbish as a parent; yet seems to blossom as a grandparent.
This is a very, very good point.
Another good point that I have also tried to talk to GF and hubby about. It's better to pay a babysitter, or I look after her when I'm there, than to have Baby's upbringing swayed by Granny... unless Granny can get on board.
Thank you for this. Really great advice.
That's definitely something that needs to be discussed. Thank you for highlighting that.
GF and Hubby are in the process of getting the godmother paperwork changed from Granny to me in the event of their death. The agreed role is that I will have joint input in terms of a non-bio parent. We've started to talk about all of these things. Yes, you're right. Everything needs to be decided and solidified for the future.
Incidentally, out of interest (not confrontation), do you believe that it is wrong, or too difficult, to have children in a poly environment? It's something that we've all battled with, so I would be very interested to hear your thoughts.
You should ask the guy and his wives from the show "Sister Wives" if they think it's too hard or wrong. The answer is not in the slightest. I have two kids. I just had my first couple of dates with someone outside my marriage. No, not for a second did I consider it to be a problem. Kids are strong. They are smart. They are awesome. You already said Baby misses you when you're gone. Would you really want to give that up? That unconditional love?
Dennis Leary said it the best, "Racism is learned, not instilled at birth. Know what my kid hates? Naps! End of list."
This applies to all faux pas or taboo subjects. The kids won't have a problem if you handle it correctly. I could ramble on about this for several more sentences, but you get my point.
Phy
Member
As we are just starting down that road, my answer would be: No. Why should it be more wrong than having a children in a 'normal' 2-person-relationship? The more healthy adults around a child, the better for the child (stress on healthy and mature, in this case.
) That's my conviction.Like KyleKat, I believe that the only problem arising for a child will be if you treat this circumstance as a problem or a secret, because the child will feel like there is something 'wrong' with the life you are leading, and it will put the little one under pressure to keep this secret or to know that the whole family is, in a bad way, leading a 'different' life than all the others. If it's OK and the most natural thing to do for you, it will be the same for the child, as well.
AnnabelMore
Active member
"Do you believe that it is wrong, or too difficult, to have children in a poly environment?"
Your tagline is basically my situation, except I'm 28 and have been in my vee for three years. My gf's baby just turned one. I KNOW that having me in their lives has helped with their needs for babysitting, and I believe that
1) having me in his life as a loving, interested, engaged adult enhances the baby's life, and
2) having me in their lives helps, to some small degree, in their struggle to maintain a functional, positive marriage during this trying first year with the baby.
So, I think it's easier, not harder.
Of course, you didn't qualify-- perhaps you mean socially, not logistically? In our case, we're lucky enough to have friends who are just as out-there as we are, and family that is accepting, if not necessarily whole-heartedly supportive.
As for the potential for future bullying, it's true, kids DO bully other kids, for any reason at all. If it's not his parent's funny relationship, it could be his hair color or the way he dresses. At least if he gets bullied and I'm around, he'll have a third person to cry to. I mean, should gay people not raise kids because their kids might get bullied for it? Well, a study showed that the kids of lesbian couples are just as well-adjusted as the kids of straight couples, so I don't think there's much of an argument there.
Rather than trying to make our families more "normal," I think we need to try to make the world more accepting. If that means standing up to bullies (including older family members), I think that's a great things for kids to see and understand.
Your tagline is basically my situation, except I'm 28 and have been in my vee for three years.
My gf's baby just turned one. I KNOW that having me in their lives has helped with their needs for babysitting, and I believe that1) having me in his life as a loving, interested, engaged adult enhances the baby's life, and
2) having me in their lives helps, to some small degree, in their struggle to maintain a functional, positive marriage during this trying first year with the baby.
So, I think it's easier, not harder.
Of course, you didn't qualify-- perhaps you mean socially, not logistically? In our case, we're lucky enough to have friends who are just as out-there as we are, and family that is accepting, if not necessarily whole-heartedly supportive.
As for the potential for future bullying, it's true, kids DO bully other kids, for any reason at all. If it's not his parent's funny relationship, it could be his hair color or the way he dresses. At least if he gets bullied and I'm around, he'll have a third person to cry to. I mean, should gay people not raise kids because their kids might get bullied for it? Well, a study showed that the kids of lesbian couples are just as well-adjusted as the kids of straight couples, so I don't think there's much of an argument there.
Rather than trying to make our families more "normal," I think we need to try to make the world more accepting. If that means standing up to bullies (including older family members), I think that's a great things for kids to see and understand.
That's awesome!
Right now, neither my wife and I have live in partners, and remain closeted with family, so I can't offer much experience wise to the issue with Granny. I'm sure it will come up eventually, since the kids WILL out us eventually, and we know it.
But similarly to what's been said already, we don't keep secrets from the kids, and we live our poly life at home as openly as possible. We don't change or hush the conversation when they enter the room, or change our terminology when talking about girlfriends. We've had them to poly camps where they've met other kids who have extra mommy's and daddy's. For us the conscious decision we made was to normalize poly as much as possible.
For our own concern with schools and such, we don't worry too much, since the kids are known to be very happy, outgoing and well adjusted...they get complimented on it frequently by teachers, family, friends, and strangers in the grocery store! So we're not too worried about whatever they may have to say because it's quite evident with our kids that they're growing up just fine regardless of what their parents private lives are like.
Your mileage may vary.
Kommander
New member
Polyamory has only recently come to the attention of the scientific community, and there aren't a ton of studies at this point about how children are affected. The few that have been done show similar findings to those done on children raised by homosexual couples (of which there is a substantial amount of research), that being, in itself, polyamory has no affect on children. In studies done on families with homosexual parents, the only negative difference found is that children of gay people are exposed to more intolerance from individuals who do not approve of their parent's relationship. It's likely that further research will show similarities with the children of poly parents.
In short, it's a "people are assholes" problem, not a "polyamory isn't healthy for children" problem. Not being polyamorous won't change the fact that some people are just dicks.
As far as Granny is concerned, I would bet a significant amount of money that if the poly thing weren't an issue, she'd find something else to be upset about and still cause problems.
In short, it's a "people are assholes" problem, not a "polyamory isn't healthy for children" problem. Not being polyamorous won't change the fact that some people are just dicks.
As far as Granny is concerned, I would bet a significant amount of money that if the poly thing weren't an issue, she'd find something else to be upset about and still cause problems.
IndieSolo
Active member
You should read Redpepper's blog, or PM her about what she went through with her parents over the care of her son.
There is actually paperwork for godparents? And it matters? I always thought that was just a religious formality, and had no legal standing.
There is both. Religiously, it has no bearing. My best friend is the godfather of my kids. He has no desire to raise them in the event of my untimely demise. However, you can appoint a godparent that would raise your child instead of your next of kin.
IndieSolo
Active member
Okay, you're talking about two different things.
Traditionally, as I've always understood it, the duty of godparents is to instruct a child in their parents' religion. That doesn't necessarily mean they would be raising the child.
You can appoint anybody you want to raise a child instead of relatives. Choosing a godparent is just one of the options. Godparenting is still only a church thing, and has no legal standing, at least in the US. Not knowing where sparklepop lives, I was wondering if there was more legality to the role of godparent wherever she is.
Selecting someone who also happens to be the kid's godparent to actually legally raise it is a separate issue from someone just being in the role of godparent.
Stevenjaguar
New member
Children and secondaries
Does anyone here have experience with secondaries, or the secondary of your primary, having children with one of the primaries in the relationship? The subject has come up, and I hadn't thought about it before in real terms, so I would appreciate any thoughts about this.
Does anyone here have experience with secondaries, or the secondary of your primary, having children with one of the primaries in the relationship? The subject has come up, and I hadn't thought about it before in real terms, so I would appreciate any thoughts about this.
LovingRadiance
Active member
Yes. My boyfriend and I are the biological parents of the youngest of the four children in our poly family. I don't use the term secondary, as he is a full-time member of our household and a full member of our family.
The youngest is 5. My oldest is 21. My husband's son is 16. Our son is 12.
We're (obviously) poly and we're "out," so all of the kids know and they all know whose bio-parents are who. But they all call me Mom and they all call my husband dad. The baby calls bf by a special name, the other kids call him Uncle, because they did for years before we went poly.
The youngest is 5. My oldest is 21. My husband's son is 16. Our son is 12.
We're (obviously) poly and we're "out," so all of the kids know and they all know whose bio-parents are who. But they all call me Mom and they all call my husband dad. The baby calls bf by a special name, the other kids call him Uncle, because they did for years before we went poly.
I'm kinda hoping polyamory will be a solution to me wanting to have kids. Girlfriend doesn't want to have kids ever (and can't anyways), but I do want to have a husband one day, as well as her, so maybe I can have kids with that fellow?
Then she won't have to be a mommy, and I get to be a mommy!
Then she won't have to be a mommy, and I get to be a mommy!
SchrodingersCat
Active member
You can only inject one spermatozoon into an egg, then the egg goes into lock-down mode. But you could put the eggs into a sea of sperm from both men and let them duke it out.
Is it your own inability to conceive that requires you to consider IVF? Or the desire to have both men as fathers to the child without really "knowing" which one is biological? You could accomplish that the old-fashioned way.
Have you considered adoption? Plenty of kids need good homes, and that would eliminate the possibility of any father ever laying more "claim" to the child than the other.
I figured she meant IVF was the option for her for fertility reasons (and because she wanted a biological child).
They usually implant more than one fertilized egg to increase the odds, so I don't see why they couldn't go half and half on who provided the sperms, provided they don't use an odd number or fertilized eggs.
No, or maybe still capable of pregnancy at a far lower chance with age, and would then require a reversal of tube clamping. However, I know the procedures of the IVF sperm to egg. I guess I should have been somewhat more clear in my query. It is, we all desire children and I have had 3 grown, as I started at 16, ended at 23. But we were more curious about-- let's say I have the eggs knowingly fertilized by both men, separately, of course, but say, 4 implanted, 2 of each man's, as we will be going the way of the already checked for everything once sperm and egg take, in layman's terms. Thus implanting choice. As I have one adult special needs child, I'd rather not tempt fate being older nor bring a child into this world under such cruel manners. For the record, regardless of how far advanced we as human beings THINK we have evolved from prejudices, having raised a child with a disadvantage is like waging war with the world still. Also goes for race, as well. as it was no picnic for them, Canadian or not, as here our racism and other prejudices are clandestine, unless you're the one that is the target, you don't necessarily see or hear of things like racism or classism here!
That rant over, I'd love the old fashioned, lets see who caught me way, but it's extremely improbable a way thru a decision quick on ages heels lol! So hence the question anyone know can u? I assume, it being us paying, it's our decision, but has anyone or do they know of anyone having gone and tried this way?
Yes, we discussed surrogates, but laws from US/UK/Canada all are little known to most. Say birth mother is legally and always mother even though oddly there is not one drop of DNA carried by that mother over to that child she gives birth to! Odd law, right? Rhat is a big NOPE too! Adoption, hmmmmm thought of, yep, but they are younger want their own! Understandably so! However it's been thoroughly agreed upon if nothing comes of a treatment, no more money shall be put out, as my already children and hahahaha grandchild are theirs by proxy, if u will. lol! They aren't wee puppies, just not way over the 40 mark, me in 40s. So u can see time be of the essence!! It was just an odd curious thought to A. save money lol and B. hasten the pace, but two separate in vitros isn't out. And we have broached the question of whose is it? Well got it covered till I die no DNA test, so treated equally by both men. And just to tickle the mind, here one is Caucasian, the other black, and I am mustee, black/white/native.
I hesitate to add this for fear of straying off topic, but it an oft-repeated misconception that there are "plenty of kids waiting to be adopted." This was true decades ago, but not today. While technically true in the strictest sense, there are huge waiting lists for children under age 5 that are not disabled. Parenting a disabled child or an older child (who almost certainly has endured major trauma to be available for adoption) is not for the faint of heart - and is not something that should be encouraged to any woman simply because her baby-making parts don't function well.
Anyone, regardless of the state of their reproductive system, who has the desire and capacity to care for such children should absolutely pursue that path (and if you're not sure, try fostering. There is, quite unfortunately, a world of difference between "normal" children and those that have suffered abuse and neglect). But requiring IVF to reproduce and being such a gifted person are two unrelated features.