Children and Polyamory: Merged Threads, General Discussion

[Quath]

I wouldn't go into too much information. Maybe just relate that you and your partner care for each other very much and let the child ask any questions.

As for their father, you may have to watch out if he may try to use that to get the kids. From what I have seen, it was a bigger concern in the '90s and less so over time.

I am very out. (I even wrote an article for my local paper on polyamory.) I find that for the most part, people are more confused about it than judgmental. I have even had people get defensive over their choice to be monogamous, even though I say poly is not for everyone.

 

[ClariceK]

There's nothing new about a family that has three or four parents. Lots of families split up, find new partners, and continue being a family because of the children these days. They work together and continue to be friends, and from the outside or the child's perspective, it may look EXACTLY like a poly situation. And in most respects, it IS the same, just not the sex, which is really none of the children's business, anyway.

I absolutely agree. Kids shouldn't know about the sex. SluttyUnicorn has a daughter, and an ex who takes LittleGIrl (LG) for visits. LG has been raised somewhat poly, in that her mom has had multiple partners before, and it is not unusual for LG to se her mom in bed with numerous people. Because of this, LG pretty much immediately began crawling in bed with us in the mornings.

At first, she would only crawl in bed if it was SU and me, after DaJoshy went to work (he works 3AM-9AM, and then again in the afternoon) and would wake her mom up if he was in the bed. We sleep with him in the middle, and LG crawls on the opposite side of her mom, which she just naturally did. There have now been mornings where her mom is not in the bed in the morning, because of the car or work schedule situation, so she has crawled into the bed with just me, but she stays on the other side of the bed and doesn't cuddle with me.

She doesn't really ever ask why we all sleep together. SU's ex knows the situation completely, including that LG sees us in bed, which helps a LOT. But then again, because of the fact that SU was honest with him about her preferred living situation, it wasn't a shock to him that she was in this relationship.

LG seems to love climbing into bed when DaJoshy is in the bed now, because her favorite thing to do is wrestle with him (which is also his FAVORITEST THING to do, as well) and I have made the three of them breakfast in bed, which LG absolutely thought was THE GREATEST thing in the world!! To her, the whole being in the same bed thing is like a big sleepover all the time. (Everyone always has clothes on before anyone sleeps, when she is in the house.)

It has often worked out that SU and DJ would go into the bedroom while LG was still dong her bedtime routine, which includes watching a movie in her room. She isn't asleep, but she is isn't up with us either. There is a chance she could get up and come into the bedroom, so DJ and SU would both have gone without sex if it was just them. Because my sex drive isn't as strong or frequent as theirs is, I have no problem being on the computer doing schoolwork or other stuff while they give each other what they need. I join in when I want to, and in my own way.

We have had a laughable moment or two in all this. The other day, when we were talking about her mommy being a "unicorn," LG said, "I want to be a unicorn!" and we all laughed. DJ told her that was a decision she had to make when she got older. LOL

There was also the time in the car over the weekend, when we sent her mom in to grab something from the food store, and LG said, "Go get my mom, get him (pointing at someone in the parking lot), get everyone in here now." I jokingly said, "Yes, Joshy would love that, wouldn't he?" LOL. We laugh about these things that would never have happened if we hadn't made the choices we made.

 

[justlost]

Our daughter is 15. We had no choice, as she saw the change in the way dad was treating B and wanted to know straight up why I would "allow" dad to flirt with my friend. We've been trying to explain it and get her to read some information, but mostly she sees the following connections:

1. Dad and Mom "belong" to each other
2. B is supposed to be Mom's friend
3. Mom is obviously hurt/confused/upset
4. Dad is obviously confused/upset

Basically, her response is just anger. So I don't know how you would ever keep it from any child, but a teen... Nope, not if the metamour is a family friend. I don't know...

One thing, though-- explaining to her how loving someone doesn't mean "owning" them, and all that that entails, has been very helpful for my own journey over the last few weeks!

 

[sage]

I agree, my teenage daughter was horrified, too. I was at a poly group meeting on Sunday and a couple who live with his girlfriend and her teenage daughter, as well as their own daughter, described themselves as a poly family, yet supposedly the kids had no idea about the physical/romantic connections. It was bizarre to me.

 

[Minxxa]

I agree, my teenage daughter was horrified, too. I was at a poly group meeting on Sunday, and a couple who live with his girlfriend and her teenage daughter, as well as their own daughter, described themselves as a poly family, yet supposedly the kids had no idea about the physical/romantic connections. It was bizarre to me.

My guess is the kids know. Kids are smart and they pick up on that stuff much more than adults realize. They probably know, but either don't want to talk about it, or don't care.

 

[Carma]

My 14-year old daughter and I watch "Sister Wives" together, and she started begging me for my husband (her step-dad) to get us a sister wife! We joke around about it a lot. What she doesn't know is that there is a "brother husband" already, behind the scenes (ha!!!), whom she knows and adores. He is a former neighbor and friend of the family. She has no idea there is anything going on between us. My men don't want to be outed, at all. Already my mom, sister, and our two 20-something daughters know. But we've all agreed to remain closeted in our community.

Now my husband has a new girlfriend. She texts him all the time, and I just know the kids are going to figure this out any day now! They're not stupid. If she ever comes around, my kids will KNOW. Dad just does not have female friends casually stopping by, EVER. And this girl is no church mouse! I haven't met her yet myself, but I've seen pictures, and she looks like Bombshell Barbie!

Yesterday, my two teenage girls found some body scrub in his car. (His gf bought it for him/gave him a foot massage the other day.) I am surprised they didn't ask me, "MOM, WHAT IS THIS DOING IN STEPDADDY'S CAR?" They were oblivious. They just wanted to know, "Hey, can we use some of this?" O-Kay, girls!

The 14-year old loves the Sister Wife concept. However, I'm sure the 16-year old would be completely horrified! Not to mention our 11-year old son, who is already learning all about how everyone is only allowed ONE love. Every time we say a girl is cute, he says, "So what? I have a GIRLFRIEND." I would never want him to think his dad or mom are godforsaken CHEATERS. Ugh, yeah, conventional society is really doing a number on my kids.

 

[redpepper]

Question: what about the other end of this-- too much information. What is enough? What is too much? I heard of a situation where a woman had four casual sex partners in one weekend, while her teen daughters were in hearing and seeing distance. Is this too much? Where is the line drawn between not saying a word and spilling it all?

 

[sage]

I don't really think anyone much wants intimate details, unless there is a special understanding between partners. I prefer to be honest with grown-up and teenage kids, because I think it is damaging to the relationship with them if you preach one thing and then go and do another. I wouldn't do anything that I would be ashamed to share with them. On the other hand, I don't ram anything down their throats. My girls don't approve of polyamory, and it has probably come between us somewhat, but I would rather have that than live a lie. After all, this is who I am, and I would want them to be honest with me about their lives, even if they make choices I don't necessarily agree with.

 

[calypsoblu]

I am in a MFM triad. We have been a triad for over a year now. We have two adult kids. (They came with me, my children from a previous marriage.) One is 20, married and living on her own. Another is a son, 18, who has recently moved back into our family home, due to finding out the world is a lot harder than he thought, trying to live on his own.

Our daughter seems to be pretty ok with our triad. She asks me all the time how "Daddy" and "Dad" are doing when we have conversations, etc. To avoid confusion, "Daddy" is the stepfather, whom she has known since she was 8, and "Dad" is my significant other, who has know them both since their births, and also happens to be their godfather.

It is the boy that seems to have more issues with our triad. Before he moved out, he knew about our triad and never said one thing about it. He moved out at 18 for a while, and then moved back home. Since being back, he and I have had some heated discussions about the triad. On numerous occasions he has said that "people he hangs with" don't agree with our triad. So that tells me he has apparently talked to his peers about it.. I recognise that he seems to have an issue with this triad. But, bottom line, I feel it is best to be honest about it, than to lie to him and damage our relationship due to the dishonesty. Currently our relationship is a little strained, but I would rather have that than live a lie.

Recently, he has become very opinionated and disrespectful of me and my SO, and our relationship, to the point I want so badly to tell him that my relationships are, frankly, none of his business, and that as long as he lives in my house, he must maintain a respectful attitude towards us. What would you do in this situation? How would you handle it?

 

[nycindie]

He moved out at 18, and then he moved back home. He and I have had some heated discussions. He has become very disrespectful of me and my SO, and our relationship. I want so badly to tell him that my relationships are none of his business, and that as long as he lives in my house, he must maintain a respectful attitude.

Wait a minute-- your son moved out, found the world a tough place, was graciously invited to move back home by you, AND has the audacity to talk shit to you about how you live your life? He'd be out on his ass in a heartbeat if he were my son and did that to me.

But I was a teenager in the '70s, and we were expected to be self-sufficient by 18. The first decent-paying job I had was at age 16, and I was required by my mother to contribute financially for groceries, household expenses, etc. I moved out at 18, and then came back for a bit, too, but giving her lip would not have been tolerated. When I was 19, we had a fight, and I stayed two weeks in a motor inn until I apologized. If not for that cultivation of independence, I couldn't have moved to NYC at age 23 to be on my own. I have little tolerance for the brattiness and sense of entitlement I see in teenagers today. I'm not saying he is like that, but that's the culture of his peers, and it seems to have rubbed off on him.

Remember, he's not a kid you have to take care of anymore. He's an adult grubbing off of you. If he's that disrespectful, it means he is ungrateful. Not only should he be paying you rent, he should keep his judgments and opinions to himself.

I sincerely hope he doesn't have you doing his laundry, too.

 

[River]

What would you do in this situation?

He's still quite young, and only really on the cusp of adulthood. I'd talk to him about it as such, and treat him like a nearly grown-up child who has needs and wants relative to that age.

I'd stand my ground firmly, while letting him know that I'm sensitive to his feelings and thoughts, fears and hopes, or whatever. And I'd encourage him to talk openly about his feelings and worries.

I'd speak from my heart about my own needs, concerns, fears, worries, and let him know that while I deeply respect his needs and wants, I'm going to have to live my own life as I see fit, it being my own life, after all. But I'd also be clear that I have empathy and compassion for him in this situation.

Much depends on whether he generally has treated you with respect and consideration. If not, some of the above may need slight modification. You may have to tell him to stay out of your business and insist that he treat all of the family with respect, even if it isn't felt on his part. In this way, you'd definitely be treating him like a child, rather as a young adult.

 

[calypsoblu]

Wait a minute - your son moved out, found the world a tough place, was graciously invited to move back home by you... AND has the audacity to talk shit to you about how you live your life? He'd be out on his ass in a heartbeat if he were my son and did that to me... I have little tolerance for the brattiness and sense of entitlement I see in teenagers today. Not saying he is like that, but that's the culture of his peers, and it seems to have rubbed off on him.

Remember, he's not a kid you have to take care of anymore. He's an adult grubbing off of you. If he's that disrespectful, it means he is ungrateful. Not only should he be paying you rent, he should keep his judgments and opinions to himself.

WOW. Thanks sooo much for replying to my post, NYCindie. I was starting to wonder if I were justified in feeling EXACTLY as you have posted, you know, the part about me letting him come back to our home.

By the way, you hit the nail on the head. He doesn't pay shit around here, he doesn't help, nothing. In fact, you are right, he is an adult grubbing off of us.

Last night was frustrating as hell. He had the audacity to bitch and complain that one of his friend's parents (said friend is 19, and no job, but living at Mommy n Daddy's home still) keep hardly any food in the house, and how that's not right, etc. I kindly reminded him, like me, his friend's parents are not under any legal obligation to provide for this now adult child. He became angry with me.

Every evening for the past couple of weeks, I have dreaded the time my son comes home. In fact, I hope every night that he comes in after my loving guys are home. His mouth remains firmly closed when the guys are around, usually. I hate that my son obviously does not love me enough to only care about my happiness, whatever that may be. But it is the way it is.

I will continue to enjoy my life for the good things I have, and the wonderful men that I am so lucky to have share my life. As for the son, I think it is getting to be time that he move back out to his own place.

Thanks for putting this into perspective.

 

[calypsoblu]

He's still quite young, and only really on the cusp of adulthood. I'd talk to him about it as such, and treat him like a nearly grown-up child who has needs and wants relative to that age.

I'd stand my ground firmly while letting him know that I'm sensitive to his feelings and thoughts, fears and hopes, or whatever. And I'd encourage him to talk openly about his feelings, worries.

I'd speak from my heart about my own needs, concerns, fears, worries, and let him know that while I deeply respect my son's needs and wants, I'm going to have to live my own life as I see fit. But I'd also be clear that I have empathy and compassion for my son in this situation.

Much depends on whether he generally has treated you with respect and consideration. If not, some of the above may need slight modification. You may have to tell him to stay out of your business and insist that he treat all of the family with respect, even if it isn't felt on his part. In this way, you'd definitely be treating him like a child, rather as a young adult.

Wise thoughts, too. Thanks, River!

For a little background, my son has never been the most respectful to me while I was raising him, anyhow, so he is merely continuing the behavior that he has always had toward me. Mind you, I have struggled for years to correct his behavior, and so has my hubby. It is recent, since the boy has gotten a gf, and thinks he knows all the answers to life, that I should live my life as he sees fit, not how I see fit.

I do think we are at the point that next time his mouth gets to running like the dog's bowels after eating pork, I may not be able to refrain from getting quite mean while saying it is none of his damn business. I do see your point about treating him as a child. I really don't want to have to do that, however, I fear he leaves me no choice due to his lack of respect for those living in the household and our relationships with each other. Personally, I don't really care if he ever accepts this triad. It is not his life, it is mine and my partners' lives to live and deal with. I just wish the boy understood that it is not really his place to make decisions for me, regarding my life, or to make waves in the life I choose to live.

 

[MichelleZed]

More young people are living at home these days, as work is getting a bit more scarce. It's not just your son.

What needs to be addressed the most, the next time he says his friends don't approve of triads, is that you don't really care what his friends think of anything, because they don't rule your life. Teenagers are always very concerned about what their friends think, and it's part of growing up to stop caring about your peer's opinions and do what you want.

 

[nycindie]

More young people are living at home these days, as work is getting a bit more scarce. It's not just your son.

Perhaps, but that doesn't mean they have any excuse for not conducting themselves as responsible adults and giving their fair share of time, energy, and money into the household. Parents do not have an obligation to take their offspring back in (I say "offspring" because they are no longer children) and support them just because things are tough. If they do take them back in, it should ideally be negotiated as two parties of adults with rules and/or a time limit agreed to, with a goal of them working toward their own independence and showing respect for the people whose home they have come back into.

 

[Somegeezer]

As a 19-year old myself, I'd like to chip in. First off, the teen bashing is great. Even I've been guilty of acting that way at times, though I always try better myself. I won't let nature win.

I live with my mum, and she does wash my clothes, mainly just out of making it easier. There are four of us in the house. Together, our clothes actually make enough worth washing. Without, we would need at least a week's worth of dirty clothes each to wash our own, and that would be assuming they were all in the same wash (colours, whites, certain odd materials). So I don't feel that really hinders my life in the future. It helps that I do know how to wash my clothes.

Generally, my mum and partner buy my food. I do like to cook, though, especially when in this house. My partner often enjoys cooking at her house. But back to the main topic at hand.

Tell your children. Straight up. Answer their questions. If they weren't brought up with it, or haven't known about it all their lives, which I'd find bizarre if you've been poly all their lives, they may find it hard. But if they can't be respectful of your choices, they would certainly be gone from my house.

 

[River]

Teenagers are always very concerned about what their friends think, and it's part of growing up to stop caring about your peer's opinions and do what you want.

I can't agree with this. Growing up doesn't mean that one stops caring about the opinions of others (peers or otherwise). It means one has their own center, their own being, their own strength and commitments, and is thereby able to respect and appreciate the opinions of others, take them in, and accept or reject them, apply them or refuse them.

 

[MichelleZed]

I can't agree with this. Growing up doesn't mean that one stops caring about the opinions of others (peers or otherwise), it means one has their own center, their own being, their own strength and commitments, and is thereby able to respect and appreciate the opinions of others, take them in, and accept or reject them, apply them or refuse them.

Oh, fine, if you want to be all flowery about it.

 

[River]

People who don't care about the opinions of others are people I avoid as much as humanly possible. They are scary.

 

[redpepper]

I just came back from poly camp where I met lots of kids of poly parents. One of the older ones told me that her number one bit of advice was to not try and pull the wool over the eyes of kids. The best thing her parents ever did was 'fess up to what was going on for them.