Children and Polyamory: Merged Threads, General Discussion

I think it depends on where you are at, relationship-wise. If you aren't in any active relationships when baby arrives, it is such a lifechanging event that you may not have energy, at least during the first few months. However, as you adjust, you figure out how to go back to having a bit of a social life, though it takes more planning than before.
 
*Raises hand* We took a break. Mind you, 10 yrs ago, we weren`t in a 'poly' or open relationship, so to speak. We called it 'exclusive swinging.' Poly was a word we associated in our minds, back then, with those 'misfit polygamists,' and we didn't want to be associated with that.

When I became pregnant with my daughter (not long after losing a baby at 5 months gestation), I pulled away. I wanted to do things 'right.' I was scared of being caught, outed, whatever. And I was scared that something I'd done had caused my loss, that it was my doing. Of course, it didn`t make sense in hindsight. I was grieving, and made choices that were permanent.

If I'd known then what I know now, I would've kept the relationships going, and given the people we cared about a chance to prove they were capable, trustworthy people, who wouldn't make silly mistakes at our expense. I didn`t give them that chance. Most definitely my bad.

So, today, we still have no wish to be outed, or in the open. That will always be. However, we give people a chance to prove they are on board with us. If it`s not quite fitting right, there are other options, and we can date away from home.
 
We had no relationships going on when we got pregnant with our boy and he was born. He was our relationship. We felt that we couldn't justify giving our time to others and taking it from him. We were way into attachment parenting and this was part of it for us. He didn't leave me until he was over a year (LB and I were in one bed, PN in another) and I breast fed him until he was three. I had barely room for PN in my life at the time. I'm glad we did it that way, because all the literature and my gut was right, this boy needed all I gave him in the way of attention, attachment, and time. It was so worth it.

I think if there was someone like Mono in my life back then, they would've been a part of that. Any part of my immediate family would be. I just wouldn't and didn't want to start something new with anyone. It wouldn't have been fair to them, really, and my head wasn't in it at all.
 
Yep, the breast-feeding part, while not exactly a problem, is a bit of a challenge right now, because when the baby needs to eat, Mum is the only one who can provide. But, on the other hand, it's not really time away from the kids the Mrs. needs right now, but time away from housework to spend with the kids, and I am more than happy to provide that!
 
First live-in girlfriend

My husband and I have always dated girls. We've had some relationships lasting up to 6 months, but it has always been hidden from the kids. We are now dating a girl and want her to move in with us. Our biggest concern is our 8-year old and 6-year old and the questions about why we all sleep in the same room. Can anyone give me some advice? THANKS.
 
"Because we're grown-ups, and grown-ups can sleep wherever they want. When you're a grown-up, you can sleep wherever YOU want."
 
Keep it simple. Folks seem to mess things up by trying to give children much more information than they need or can process. Just tell them that you three like to sleep in the same room and that they'll be able to decide on their own sleeping arrangements when they're adults.
 
My 8-year old hasn't asked anything. I don't think he thinks about it. Have they asked? Or are you assuming they want to know? If they don't ask, then don't say anything, I think, and act like it's normal. Kids are confident in the adults in their lives if they remain constant and are comfortable with their choices. If you aren't, then, "faking it until you make it" is okay too.
 
BlackUnicorn said:
Yep, the breast-feeding part, while not exactly a problem, is a bit of a challenge right now, because when the baby needs to eat, Mum is the only one who can provide.
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My reply to this got moved, twice, first creating its own thread, then into the thread "Breastfeeding". It pointed out that other women, even women who have never had children, can, in fact, breastfeed. It's now here. It has, in turn, been commented on. One comment dealing with the surprise of a lover to find her girlfriend lactating.

While I can understand the move, I think it's also pertinent information to this thread about children, so that's why I'm posting this. My point is that if you really want to get implicated, if the mother is willing to let you share this intimacy with her child (some might want to reserve this bond for themselves: others might be VERY happy about not being the only one "on call" [a chance to sleep right through the night now and then!!!]), then it is possible.
 
Honestly, my kids (19, 15, 11, 4) haven't asked about why we sleep the way we do. They are AWARE that the sleeping arrangements changed a little over a year ago, but they never cared. It's not a secret.

The youngest commented that I had two rooms. I just smiled and laughed with her that, yes, I do, and if she wants two rooms when she's grown up, she can have that, too.

Mostly, like RP said, they don't care. If you are comfortable and content with the dynamic, they will be too.
 
Telling older children... worried!

Having just recently entered the ranks of polyamory, after being mono all my life, I wonder: how does one tell their teen and pre-teen children about secondary partners? We mostly see our secondaries when my kids from a previous marriage are away visiting their father, and that's allowed me to avoid having to explain things. The kids know we're friends, but not that the relationship is a loving (and sexual) one. I worry about what their father might think, and most of all, I worry the kids will be shocked/disgusted by the news.
 
There are some threads that might be of interest if you do a tag search for "children" or "kids" or "coming out."

Just be honest about how you live, while keep inappropriate details to yourself, as you would with any relationship you have. Chances are they will figure it out and possibly ask questions. I find that just using the language to describe my love life is helpful. I love Daddy and Mono. Mono is my boyfriend and Daddy my husband. Mono is our roommate and part of our family. I say it with confidence and make sure that everyone knows that no one is loved more than the other.
 
Thanks, Red. It's sound advice. I guess I'm worried about prejudice, in general. I certainly don't want my kids to judge me. It's going to take some time.
 
I'd be way more cautious than that. Teens and pre-teens are just developing their own sexual identities. They've had years of indoctrination, media, etc. You'll be judged. Someone had a similar question not long ago. As a result, I did a poll among some of my summer help, teenage boys. Bottom line, they didn't like thinking about their parents having sex. Way more disgusting to think about some unrelated guy "banging Mom" (their words). I'd be very careful.
 
Yes, I would echo dinged's concerns. Children who have been brought up around polyamory from a young age will generally be far more accepting than teens and pre-teens that haven't. My eldest daughter (in her 20s) has always known, and while she doesn't agree with it, she respects my decision. I told my younger daughter at 18 or 19, only when she saw this forum up on my computer, and she nagged me to tell her what it was all about. She was very upset, and I had to downplay the whole thing. In our case, there isn't that much going on, anyway. I think with her, and possibly other teenagers, they project their own fears of infidelity and betrayal.

My partner's kids are adolescents, and they don't know. They know about his SO and have even stayed with us when she was staying, but they only know her as a good friend. Like you, my partner is afraid of his ex stopping visits due to inappropriate behaviour.
 
Thanks, Sage and Dinged. I tend to be cautious around the kids for the reasons you stated. And since my kids live with me, I don't want to stir up some custody issues, should my ex find out, and have the "Oh my God they're perverts" knee-jerk reaction, which even I, a couple of years ago, might have had. I totally did not understand polyamory until I was living it. And I still have questions! lol
 
My seven year old figured it out when she found my pillow on my bf's bed. She asked him if we had sex. :eek: He navigated around it, but she knows. Yea, I would be careful with the preteen and teen age. Redpepper gave some great advice.
 
Umm yeah, awkward. I'll try to avoid that, lol. We're slowly introducing some information to my 13 y/o daughter. She knows a few things, like that my current hubby identifies as bisexual. She knows that our friends (my b/f, his wife and husband) form a triad and have kids together. We've had them over for dinner a couple of times. So far, she's proven open-minded. Now, my 10 y/o boy hasn't been told anything, really. But then again, he didn't ask why there were two dads and one mom when our friends visited. I don't think he's really aware or cares to know. I'm sure he'll ask when he's ready.
 
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I dunno, in my experience, kids here seem to know more at the pre-teen and even younger ages than I ever did! Geesh, it seems everyone is into trying out poly, just like everyone was bi in the '90s. Maybe it's just my area, though?
 
nouryia said:
But then again, he didn't ask why there were 2 dads and one mom when our friends visited. I don't think he's really aware or really cares to know. I'm sure he'll ask when he's ready.
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It occurs to me that there's nothing new about a family that has three or four parents... Lots of families split up, find new partners, and continue being a family because of the children these days. They work together and continue to be friends, and from the outside or the child's perspective, it may look EXACTLY like a poly situation. And in most respects, it IS the same. Just not the sex, which is really none of the children's business anyway.
 
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