As much as I love her, she is asking too much!

[Eth76]

You are his second dad, that's all. You are already a dad, that's why you miss him. And he surely misses you.

I think it is quite unfortunate that your wife and her lover have this notion of not wanting a "half" sibling. To a child, a new brother or sister will just be a brother or sister. They would only look at them as "half" anything if the parents tell them to. It is a pretty shitty thing to do to a family, making a full sibling more important than a half. They need to get over themselves.

You and he are both fathers, one by biology and the other by love and commitment. If I were you, I would go back to your wife, and both of you try to get her pregnant, and everyone love all the children equally, and stand by each other in unity as co-parents of all the children together, no matter whose sperm fertilized the egg. The more important thing is love.

You should PM LovingRadiance or read her posts about her family dynamics. She has a husband and a boyfriend and children from each. They all parent together and it works.

I really appreciate that sentiment, NYCindie. That's what my wife says. I'm just as much of a father to Harry as Alex is, and I'll be the same to their next child.

To be frank, though, it's just not true, and she knows it. I am not his dad. Alex is. Alex is Daddy, and I'm Ethan. I'm not his uncle or step-father or anything else. To Harry, I am Ethan. I do not have a problem with that.

It is true that I do as much for him as they do. I bathe him, dress him, take him to school, take him out places. I really enjoy being with him. I love Harry to bits, and vice versa. But I am not his dad. Alex is his dad.

While she was pregnant, I really wanted to be the father. I got proper into it, while Alex was not that bothered either way, but then, he had not been through a late miscarriage with her like I had. It's dumb, but when we found out that he was the father, it felt like I had lost another child, the sense of upset was similar. Dumb, but that's the way I felt.

She knew this, and that's why she promised me what she did, and now she has gone back on that promise. It hurts. She loves me, but does not want my child, when she knows what it means to me. She cannot doubt that I would be a really good dad. She could see how I was with Harry.

I don't believe her bullshit about half brothers/sisters either. The truth is that she just wants to have another child with Alex, and not with me.

I think that she is very selfish to be on the phone to me again today, crying and screaming, and trying to make me feel guilty about leaving her, and asking me to go back.

It's not gonna happen.

 

[GalaGirl]

I think that she is very selfish to be on the phone to me again today, crying and screaming, and trying to make me feel guilty about leaving her, and asking me to go back. It's not gonna happen.

Stand firm, then. You are done. Let it be done. Lather, rinse, repeat. "I hear your upset. I hear your disappointment. I am disappointed, too. But it is what it is. We cannot go back. I am sorry."

GG

 

[Eth76]

Affairs suck. I did it. I learned the lesson. I don't approve. But once it is put in "forgiven" drawer, it;s off the list of topics to continue to mull over.

I cringe over the lack of prioritizing the child in your story.

I have a child from prior to marriage, a child with my husband, and a child with my partner (who was the man I had an affair with). We all live together. The kids come first. Yes, t works. They are now 21, 13, and 5. We also co-grandparent Little P, who is 2, and are looking forward to his baby brother, who is in the oven.

I love them both, [but] I got to poly by way of some shitty choices.

The affair is long forgotten. It is not an issue between the three of us, and has not been for a long time.

It's great that your arrangement works for you. I'm sure it could for us also. It is what I want. They do not, though.

I've talked over and over it with her. I love her. I love that kid. I love Alex. The four of us were great together, the two of them, tight together, and me also loving her, but doing my own thing as well. The three of us loving that boy, them as the more traditional parents, and Harry and me as something else. He is the absolute priority. She is a great mum, and Alex is a great dad.

I acknowledge that Harry is upset that I'm not there, but what can I do?

I just feel that we have taken this as far as we can now, and that makes me sad, and her sad, and Harry sad. But it is what it is.

I want to be a father at some point. She has made it clear that it will not be with her, and yet she does not want to let me go. It's selfish. I cannot see any way back from that.

 

[Eth76]

Stand firm then. You are done. Let it be done. Lather, rinse, repeat. "I hear your upset. I hear your disappointment. I am disappointed too. But it is what it is. We cannot go back. I am sorry."

I have accepted that we are through now. It does not make it easier, though. 15 years is a long time. However, as upset as I am, I am also relieved.

If I'm honest, I would like a clean break. I would prefer not to see her, as I believe that seeing each other will make things harder for us both. That is not possible though, because of Harry. It's not his fault. So I'll be picking him up from school tomorrow, and we will just do what we always do.

 

[dingedheart]

I think that we have done really well, for the most part. I do love her, so my ideal relationship is what I've had. This baby thing was thrown a real spanner into the works though, and has made me realise that I need to know when to let a good thing go.

Have I had to settle over and over? Well, she is the one that had the affair; she is the one that wanted to open things up; she is the one that fell in love with someone else; she is the one that initially pushed me away and allowed him to be her main lover; and she is the one that had his child, although that was not deliberate. However, I'm not gonna pretend that I've been some kind of victim in all this. That would just be a whole bunch of bullshit. I've had a ball, a great time, and I was able to do that because she was the one that did all of the above. There was no bitterness until now.

It sounds to me that you've had to settle along the way too, and, to me, that would never be the case in the imagined ideal. So are you saying your next relationship will be a poly dynamic, with you as a secondary but with you having biological children?

Whose names are on the birth certificate? Does Harry use your name?

I'd get the paternity documented and consult with an attorney. You could be on the hook for child support.

 

[GalaGirl]

If I'm honest, I would like a clean break, I would prefer not to see her, as I believe that seeing each other will make things harder for us both. That is not possible though, because of Harry! Its not his fault. So I'll be picking him up from school tomorrow, and we will just do what we always do.

Could you give them a heads-up that you will need to have time apart, say, a month, starting on _____, so best they make alternate arrangements for Harry's pick-up that month? They'd have to do that if you went on vacation or a business trip. This is no different. In fact, it could be more important than vacation/business adjustments. It's making the space for mourning, so your best health and hers could be able to move forward. Then you would see what new shape this family could take, so you are able to date, bond with someone else, and see if bio fatherhood is in your future or not.

Galagirl

 

[Eth76]

It sounds to me that you've had to settle along the way too. To me, that would never be the case in the imagined ideal. So are you saying your next relationship will be a poly dynamic, with you as a secondary, but with you having biological children?

Whose names are on the birth certificate? Does Harry use your name?

I'd get the paternity documented and consult with an attorney. You could be on the hook for child support.

I guess I have settled for things along the way, but I have had the most amazing time, so I think it would be a bit rich for me to complain too loudly. Also, my wife sees things differently than I do, although certain things she cannot contest.

Alex is the boy's dad, and his name is on the birth certificate. It would not be an issue, anyway, as neither Alex nor I have any financial issues.

 

[Eth76]

Could you give them a heads-up that you'll need to have a time apart, say, a month, starting on _____, so best they make alternate arrangements for Harry's pick-up that month? They'd have to do that if you went on vacation or a business trip. This is no different. In fact, it could be more important than vacation/business adjustments. It's making the space for mourning, so your best health and hers could be able to move forward. Then you would see what new shape this family could take, so you are able to date, bond with someone else, and see if bio fatherhood is in your future or not.

Well, I had not seen them for a few weeks until I picked him up from school the other day. I would like a clean break, but I accept that Harry makes that impossible, so we will make the best of it.

I have told my wife that I want a divorce, and I have spoken to a lawyer about it. It was very difficult to see her that upset when I told her, but I have made my mind up now, and will not change it. I truly think that it's for the best.

 

[Eth76]

So are you saying your next relationship will be a poly dynamic, with you as a secondary, but with you having biological children?

My wife and I just fell into poly when she met Alex, and fell in love with him. It was not something either of us had aspired to.

I will not be looking for a poly relationship, and I doubt that lightning can strike twice. Who knows, though?

I'm in a casual relationship with a girl at the moment, and I'm happy with that for now.

 

[GalaGirl]

I had not seen them for a few weeks until I picked him up from school the other day. I would like a clean break, but I accept that Harry makes that impossible, so we will make the best of it.

How does the childcare make things impossible? Lack of funds for daycare?

On the divorce front, I'm glad to hear you're moving it forward. It's not fun, but you do have the right to seek romance shapes that you can be happy in. You do not sound happy in this arrangement anymore, and nothing about it is willing to bend, so you cannot be in it.

GG

 

[Eth76]

How does the childcare make things impossible? Lack of funds for daycare?

On the divorce front, I'm glad to hear you're moving it forward. It's not fun, but you do have the right to seek romance shapes that you can be happy in. You do not sound happy in this arrangement anymore, and nothing about it is willing to bend, so you cannot be in it.

No, it's not a question of funds. Finances are not a problem for any of us. The problem is that when I'm not there, Harry goes into one! He gets very upset. He was one very pissed-off little boy when I picked him up the other day.

Over the last two years, we have spent a lot of time together. I have a lot of free time because I have my own business, and do not have set work hours, unlike my wife and Alex. I have actually spent more time with Harry then they have. As much as I would like a clean break, it would not be fair on Harry. I love him and have to see him, and he has to see me!

You're right, it's not fun. I do love my wife. It's tough to have her crying on the phone all the time. But she will be fine once she gets used to the idea.

 

[IndieSolo]

I want to be a Father at some point. She has made it clear that it will not be with her. Yet she does not want to let me go. It's selfish. I cannot see any way back from that.

Has she explained her reasoning? Why does she want to go back on her word to you? What is the logic they are using to defend the position that any new siblings of Harry's must be fathered by Alex and not you? Just that they don't want a half-sibling? That is lame. Or is it that they want this one to be his offspring and the next one yours?

And why was their choice reached by only them? Why do they think it is okay to leave you out of the decision-making process? You mentioned that Alex is more of a dominant sexual partner to her. Is he actually her Dom in a D/s situation? If so, is he inappropriately telling her what to do under the guise of being her Dom?

It would be good to get her side of the story. Have you asked her to come here to read this thread and post?

 

[learninginTN]

After reading this entire thread, it makes me angry that she has treated you so poorly. She seems totally dismissive of your wants and needs. I'm not sure how you've tolerated it so long, except to say that love is a strange beast.

I'm not one to talk. As many here would probably say, I've been a doormat for too long in my relationship. But I think it underscores the fact that you know best what you want out of a relationship.

When she reversed her decision for you to father the next child, I would have totally blown a gasket and tossed her to the curb, if I hadn't already. But again, I'm not you, and I'm not the one with the investment in the relationship.

I hope being on this forum has at least offered you a different perspective on things, and I hope at a minimum you will hold her accountable for her dishonesty and total lack of regard for your wants and needs.

I do wish you well.