Wanting to leave my husband for lover

[Magdlyn]

I could be wrong, but here's what I'm hearing:

• I love my BF. I want to work on that relationship.
• I no longer love my husband. I don't want to work on that relationship.

She says she loves Wendell. She is "in love with" (feeling major lust, feeling romantic, and she just has to be with him as often as possible, i,e., NRE overriding rational thought) Aiden.

Or so it seems to me. She said Wendell wants to hang in there until their oldest gets out of the house... so there are other young kids to consider?

Yet Aiden seems like a wild card. He's "dark." He's had a shady past. Does he want to live with her? Does he want her youngest kids impinging on their love nest? Is he in rebound from his own marriage breaking up?

I suggest slowing everything the hell down and trying to be rational here!

 

[GalaGirl]

I suggest slowing everything the hell down and trying to be rational here!

Normally I'd say the same. But later down she writes she and Wendell are no longer in love.

Wendell and I probably are not in love anymore because of all of this. We have tried to repair it, but both feel very different about the situation. We have settled on just trying to hold on to whatever is left until my oldest is moved out, which is probably a little more than a year away.

He has told me he has had thoughts of killing us both. Most times he seems ok. But he's lost respect for me. When he's stressed, sometimes he'll call me names and act as though he is gonna hit me. We have a therapist. It just doesn't help to resolve that we feel very differently. He has gotten a lot better this time around, but still says he's losing love and respect for me. He wants to leave me when our daughter is gone.

To me, it sounds like nobody wants to really be here in the marriage anymore. No longer compatible. Just hanging in there for the kid to move out and then break up? Why not break up now?

He does not sound like he wants polyamory, but she does. It seems cruel to me for her to continue to polyship with him along for the ride, losing love and respect for her.

She could end the suffering for all now. She doesn't want to dump Aiden. So that leaves breaking up with Wendell.

 

[Magdlyn]

Later down she writes she and Wendell are no longer in love.

Some people make a distinction between loving someone and being in love with someone. She seemed to make that distinction. When one has been with someone for 20 years, had all their ups and downs, had kids together, there is usually a degree of loyalty and a loathing to just break up because some strangers on the internet recommend it.

 

[dingedheart]

I got the distinction. I've actually lived the distinction. I'll stand by my original comment. And I agree with Gala.

 

[Magdlyn]

I got the distinction. I've actually lived the distinction. I'll stand by my original comment.

I've lived it as well, and yet, I did not break up with my husband until my kids were in their late teens/early 20s. I did not leave him for another man, I left him for my own sense of peace. Maybe I waited too long? Maybe. I'm extra loyal and stubborn and left no stone unturned to save our marriage.

 

[dingedheart]

I did not leave him for another man, I left him for my own sense of peace. Maybe I waited too long? Maybe..

What if you had the clarity of another relationship? Maybe that would have pushed it over the edge for you.
How many years did you try?
Was your husband happy during that time?
Were you?
What's the upside for the husband here?
A happier roommate?
1/2 a roommate?
Gets to file a joint tax return?

 

[BoringGuy]

Gets to file a joint tax return?

A joint tax return don't mean shit if both people work full time.

 

[Dirtclustit]

you have to be careful of bad patterns in your life

In general, it will make a world of difference in your ability to see, hear, and act from a point of clarity if you end certain unhealthy relationships before you begin the same type of relationship with another. When people do not, the other relationship can and does affect other relationships, and you will likely be blind to the effect it has. The biggest red flag is when the relationship you are leaving wasn't unhealthy or bad until the other relationship began to have an effect. And it is all but impossible for you to be able to see it without another person's perspective unless you are extremely adept at looking at things from all angles.

It gets way more complicated and harder to untangle what is going on in poly relationships.

As far as the threats, that is not a healthy kind of love at all. I think everyone has gotten angry in their lifetime and had crazy thoughts like that, and depending on the details it could be normal, but could also be very dangerous. I know good people who have made the mistake of getting physically aggressive with their partners, but people who do it more than one or twice, and do not realize that no matter how much you love each other, you cannot be together until you get help learning how be in healthy relationships. Trying to remain in a relationship like that is dangerous.

To be honest, you should think about dumping both of them. Poly doesn't work for people who do not understand what a healthy relationship is, which also entails recognizing the patterns that are not healthy and being wise enough to get help before continuing on.

I am sorry for you and your husband, it isn't easy to figure out how to have healthy polyships. If you aren't on stable ground when you start, attempting it without being ready is disastrous.

What does your boyfriend have to say about how your husband's feeling? If he doesn't care that your husband is having a hard time, poly will never work with him in the relationship. When a metamour is wounded anybody adding salt to the wounds isn't poly unless you have all desire and consent to fulltime sadomasochism dynamics, but unless you are one of them it will turn into trouble. Could that be the reason both relationships aren't working? If he is doing that, that isn't love, at least not a healthy version of it. It's right there in line with hitting your partners, which is also not love, or at least not a healthy version of it.

 

[Magdlyn]

What if you had the clarity of another relationship? Maybe that would have pushed it over the edge for you.

Well, although we'd tried poly in 1999-2000, it kinda blew up and we gave up on it. So, no, I didn't have the "clarity of another relationship" in our final 10 years together, as I have morals and do not cheat.

But finally, I did get interested in this guy online, and even though he was 1000 miles away, we experienced a kind of love for each other. It only lasted three months, but the quality of the NRE did show me what was missing in my life with my husband. But I didn't leave the husband for that guy. I left him for myself.

How many years did you try?

Well, we were together 30 years. So, 30 years. But the swirling down the drain in earnest was the last 10 years.

Was your husband happy during that time? Were you ?

Sometimes we were happy, sometimes we weren't. I'd say I was happy in my relationship 60% of the time. Eventually I realized that wasn't often enough, and wasn't going to get better, no matter how much more therapy we did.

 

[dingedheart]

Well, although we'd tried poly in 1999-2000, it kinda blew up and we gave up on it. So, no, I didn't have the "clarity of another relationship "in our final 10 years together, as I have morals and do not cheat. But finally, I did get interested in this guy online, and even though he was 1000 miles away, we experienced a kind of love for each other. It only lasted three months, but the quality of the NRE did show me what was missing in my life with my husband.

But I didn't leave the husband for that guy, I left him for myself.

We were together 30 years. So, 30 years. But the swirling down the drain in earnest was the last 10 years.

Sometimes we were happy, sometimes we weren't. I'd say I was happy in my relationship 60% of the time. Eventually I realized that wasn't often enough, and wasn't going to get better, no matter how much more therapy we did.

So the case could be made if you were in a local poly relationship towards the end of your marriage, and you had a similar quality NRE reaction, or greater, because of being local, more physical contact and sex, the contrast would have been even brighter, the pull even stronger. And then you might be able to identify with the OP.

In your example, you were happy 60% of the time. Unclear on your husband. Let's say 50/50. This guy Wendell is unhappy 95% of the time, or happy 5% of the time. What's in this for him? He can learn to be happy 19 1/2% of the time?

And by your example, you possibly wasted 7, 8, maybe 9 years of everyone's lives.

What's the difference of leaving for another guy or leaving for the contrast of what you are missing with your husband? Seems like a distinction without a difference. It's not what "he" is. It's what you're not. OK, then.

 

[nancyfore]

I realize that the daughter is 17, and will be out soon. But there are times when a child doesn't get to get out at 18. Is the new bf wanting to raise a child for a year? Would leaving her with her dad be an option if he has threatened violence? Is any of this really a good thing for her to be seeing? I know marriages break up, and when there are children involved still living in the house, and a minor, there are other things to think of.

Knowing your marriage is over, and wanting the freedom to go on with Aiden, you and your daughter having an apartment and getting her through the next year might be an option. Then you have the freedom to do anything you wish. Aiden would certainly understand (or should) that you could date until the daughter was out, then move in together, if you and he are still in a relationship.

 

[westVan]

Imo

I have a different perspective on this, or maybe not. I was taught at a young age to never leave one relationship for another. The only person you should ever end a relationship for is yourself.

After being with someone for 20+ years, you need time to get to know yourself again. You need to get an apartment for yourself and figure out what you want in life. Sign a one-year lease on some little place you can decorate the way you want, not the way you thought you wanted in your marriage.

The world is your oyster right now. Discover all the things about yourself that you never knew.

It's just one year. You can still see BF as much as you want, and hey, maybe become really good friends with Wendell again.

IMO, if you just go from one relationship to another, without taking time for you, it will end badly and everyone will be hurt, mostly you.