Need perspective please

bruisepristne

bruisepristne

New member
Hi everyone,

This is my second post, as I am new to these parts and to this life.

Something happened tonight that really upset me and I need some perspective, and to know if I am overreacting. I took my BF to a very fancy dinner that I planned for his birthday tonight. (We are primaries. We have a six-year old together. He has 2 other relationships outside ours.) So while we are at dinner, he kind of drifted off, and I asked him what he was thinking about. He said I didn't want to know, and when I asked why, he said it was because "He was thinking about sticking his tongue down someone else's throat."

I am out of line to be upset? I got all dressed up, researched restaurants and menus so he could sit across the table and daydream about someone else? My feelings are really hurt and the sex I have been thinking about all day I don't even care about now. I take some responsibility, as I am the one who posed the question, but damn. I never would have had I known that would be the answer.

I am struggling with and trying already to work through my own insecurities about this poly world, and I know that is my problem, but when you love someone, aren't you supposed to be somewhat sensitive and supportive of them and whatever they are going through?

I don't know. To top it off, I feel bad because I feel like I put a cloud over the evening. Ugh.

Advice? Perspective? All is welcome and super appreciated. Thanks so much.
 
I strongly believe in not asking a question unless you are prepared for the worst possible answer. Simultaneously, I believe that was arrogant, self-centered and rude on his part. I would have walked out and left him sitting there alone. Seriously.
 
That was kind of rude and tactless.
 
He acted idiotically. If it were me, I would have said to him, "Is it really too much to ask that you be present and attentive when you are with me? Do you even appreciate the effort I made to give you a special night? You can't even bother to control where your mind goes?" And then I would have left.

It doesn't sound like he is handling having multiple relationships very well at all. He really bungled that one.
 
not to jump to conclusions

but that is strange. I would ask him if he honestly had any intention of purposely behaving in ways so that he could tell you that information and have it be your fault. Because that was taking being an asshole to the extreme. That's exactly the type of behavior that ruins polyships.

But on the other hand, if you have to pretend he doesn't have those feelings on occasion, it will cause problems later (although hopefully he won't rub your face in it reminding you during the time your time with him).

If you can talk with him about it in ways that he can understand, than at least the hurt won't be for nothing. If it can be used to prevent a more severe repeat scenario, these mistakes can be healing. If the birthday dinner means it doesn't happen on your anniversary, then it's good you got it out of the way.

In general though, I think it is a better idea to not hurt you before you ask the question (if that makes sense). LR is right, you really need to be careful asking questions if you know the answer will hurt. But if he is going to give you a chance to retract it , I think saying: "It makes me uncomfortable to think of my lovers in comparison. Do we have to discuss this now?" is much better than: "You don't want to know the answer to that question," because the first way of asking "Are you sure?" doesn't insinuate the answer you don't want to hear

But your situation was different, as you didn't ask about kissing or comparisons, you simply asked what he was thinking.
 
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The only silver lining here is, at least he didn't say he was thinking about sticking his dick down someone else's throat. :eek:

I'm sorry he said something so unexpected after all the loving effort you made.
 
OP, stop beating yourself up. You asked the question. So what? If I ask, "Do these jeans make me look fat?" do I really want someone to tell me, "Yes, you have gained a stone or two and would do well to buy some more"? He should have handled it better. Your boyfriend was a complete and total douche in that moment, and he needs a few lessons in tact and class. He put the cloud over the evening by admitting that he would basically have preferred to be with someone else. That would be the last time I put forth effort like that.
 
bruisepristne said:
He said I didn't want to know, and when I asked why he said it was because he was thinking about sticking his tongue down someone else's throat. I am out of line to be upset?
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My mind wanders. I can't do anything about it. If there is something profound going on in my life (I'm worried about work, I have a new girlfriend, I have a game coming up) my thoughts will often drift in that direction. Even if someone did something nice for me and I really should be paying attention to what I'm doing... the mind just wanders.

bruisepristne said:
I got all dressed up, researched restaurants and menus so he could sit across the table and daydream about someone else?
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Doing something nice for someone shouldn't come with expectation. I dated a girl who, when I wasn't doing something she wanted, would bring up "But what about all of the nice things I've done for you?" This is not a kind act, but a down payment for the expectation of future payout. If I do something nice for someone, that's it. There isn't any return expected. If I'm trying to get something from someone and I need to do something nice to get it, is that really a kind gesture anymore, or is it just my putting down a payment to get something I want?

bruisepristne said:
When you love someone, aren't you supposed to be somewhat sensitive and supportive of them and whatever they are going through?
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Unfortunately, now that there has been a dramatic incident about "What are you thinking?" I am skeptical that he will answer that question honestly again. Why would he? Personally I'd rather have someone be honest with me than to feel like they need to tip toe around my feelings or I'm going to freak out. What lesson do you think hubby took away from this experience?
 
FullofLove1052 said:
If I ask, "Do these jeans make me look fat?" do I really want someone to tell me, "Yes, you have gained a stone or two and would do well to buy some more"?
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That is the perfect example of what not to do. Why play games like that: setting up traps for people? Wouldn't it be better if the people around you thought you were an adult who could handle the truth instead of treating you like you are an emotional teenager?

I see this kind of insisting on a white lie form of relation as a serious barrier to intimacy. If I know that my partner is setting up little traps like this for me, there is no reason for me to trust them, which will prevent me from building intimacy with them.
 
Magdlyn said:
That was kind of rude and tactless.
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Even though a person is responsible for their own expectations, and should be mindful of asking questions they don't want the answer to, what gives with his answer? I mean, surely he could tell there was a romantic evening going on and could have been a bit more tactful.

"My mind was wandering. Sorry, baby. You look wonderful. I can't tell which part of you I want to put in my mouth first!" I mean, come on, dude.
 
He said I didn't want to know, and when I asked why, he said it was because he was thinking about sticking his tongue down someone else's throat. I am out of line to be upset?
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Rude 2 times over. Ugh. No wonder you are upset.

1) He could be accurate and own that he doesn't want to share. Which is what it is, really -- his willingness to disclose, rather than your willingness to hear/know. He doesn't live in your brain. He can't tell you what you do/do not want to know. You asked, right? So you did want to know.

2) He could apologize and be present with you on your shared date. He could say "Sorry, my mind was drifting off. I'm not willing to keep it over there. Let's bring it back to where it belongs -- here with us, you. Tell me about..." and re-engage in conversation with you on your shared date.

Galagirl
 
Thank you, everyone

Update: so, last night after dinner, to put it in simple terms, sucked. I couldn't sleep at all, and woke up at 9 this morning still upset and wondering how to work through the situation. When my BF woke up, he asked what was going on with me. I told him I was still upset and that I had posted what happened here in the hopes of gaining greater perspective. He got pretty upset when I told him what some of the responses to my original post were. After a calming-down period, we were finally able to talk about it.

Before I go into the conversation we had and where we are now, I want to first thank all of you for your perspectives and insight.

I would also like to clarify that I too, do not believe in asking a question if you don't want to hear the answer. I never ask anyone if I look fat in anything for that very reason. However, there was really no way for me to know, nor were we in a situation where I thought that could even be a possible response. Had we been, or had I thought that, I never would have posed the question. I definitely learned a lesson last night, in that respect.

I am also not someone who makes a practice of setting unspoken expectations on anyone. I know very well that that is just a recipe for disappointment. That being said, I don't think it was unreasonable of me to think that dinner last night was about us, and us celebrating him. Maybe that is naive on my part, I don't know.

After finally calming a bit and talking about it, he explained to me that the thought he was referring to wasn't even necessarily a pleasant one. The thought he had was of a past experience in which he made out with someone he normally wouldn't have, according to him, and that the kiss itself was awkward at best. It is unfortunate that he didn't just tell me that, and it is unfortunate I made a blanket assumption based on his response. He said the reason he didn't tell my all the backstory behind the thought and the statement was because to him, it was so insignificant. Again, no way for me to know that either.

At the end of the day, I think perhaps lessons learned for all of us, and I will definitely approach future situations differently.

I am beyond grateful to all of you, and I feel like all the good, bad and even ugly that is part of almost every relationship is going to be easier to handle and get through with the perspective and support of this forum and all of you.
 
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Marcus said:
"My mind was wandering. Sorry, baby. You look wonderful. I can't tell which part of you I want to put in my mouth first!" I mean, come on, dude.
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THIS!

I was discussing this post last night with GG. He tried (admirably, but he couldn't even pull it off in hypotheticals) to defend the guy.

The bottom line came down to, yes, we all have moments when our minds wander. But just saying, "Wow honey, I'm sorry. I drifted off. That was rude," would have been honest without being rude.

It's almost like he was trying to destroy the chances of the evening going well. In fact, I see his response-- "You don't want to know," as being on par with asking a question you may not want to hear the answer to, on purpose. Game playing.

I never ask, "Do these jeans make me look fat?" I ask, "Does this look ok, or...?" and sometimes Maca or GG says, "I'd rather see you in XYZ outfit." *shrug*

But setting someone up for a failed conversation that will potentially lead to a downhill slide emotionally? Rude.

Don't ask questions you aren't ready to hear honest answers to. But also, don't answer questions without compassion and care.

(Christ, Marcus and I aren't that rude to each other on here, and we don't even know each other. :p)
 
what the hell kind of parable is that?

Marcus said:
bruisepristine said:
Originally Posted by bruisepristne View Post
I got all dressed up, researched restaurants and menus so he could sit across the table and daydream about someone else?
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Doing something nice for someone shouldn't come with expectation. I dated a girl who, when I wasn't doing something she wanted would bring up "but what about all of the nice things I've done for you". This is not a kind act, but a down payment for the expectation of future payout. If I do something nice for someone that's it, there isn't any return expected. If I'm trying to get something from someone and I need to do something nice to get it... is that really a kind gesture anymore? Or is it just my putting down a payment to get something I want?
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Why use a parable or comparison that detracts from the meaning? This doesn't have anything to do with expectation or manipulative trapping of a person by attempting to to make them feel obligated.

It's not even close to the same situation. It was him being a complete prick to a person that was trying to create a special dinner on his birthday. If that is the kind of shit he pulls I hope she would know better after it happened a second time. If it's hit and miss and she still thinks he is worth being friends with, the least he do is tell her

"I am in one of my asshole moods tonight, I am disrespectful and bitter and looking to hurt you, but I don't want to take responsibility for it, but since you know me well enough by now you know it's not possible, so rather then ruin a wonderful dinner I will at least be respectful so that you don't waste you time and money tonight. "

I just don't see how a person could not be aware of their behavior and honestly claim innocence if it happened like the OP described. I would be much more inclined to think the prick is pissed about something, but too much of a spineless bastard to say, so instead he will stare off into space until she asks him what's going on, then he can stab her in the heart for whatever piddly bullshit misunderstanding he is probably blaming her for making him feel.

Everybody does stupid things, ignorantly passive aggressive esp when they try to maintain their cool but cannot live up to it.

Hopefully I am wrong, but it sounds like there were too many things he would have had to be consciously aware of for him to claim he is just being his authentic self.

So don't let him use this as an excuse to later claim he finds it hard to tell you the truth because of this incident. We all have mood swings , but to not admit that it's more a case of you being hurt when he is being a prick begins to cross the line of dishonesty, unless of course his authentic self is an asshole
 
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FullofLove1052 said:
... If I ask, "Do these jeans make me look fat?" do I really want someone to tell me, "Yes, you have gained a stone or two and would do well to buy some more"?
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I do, on occasion, ask this question, in a tongue in cheek sort of way (usually in a phony voice/affectation). But I am looking for some actual feedback. My boys' responses:

"No, honey, your gigantic ass makes you look fat. The jeans have nothing to do with it," followed by hysterical laughter at how clever they are, as I pretend to pout.

More useful answers:

"I think you look better in the ones with the designs on their pockets."

"Those aren't terribly flattering. How about that purple shirt/black skirt thing you wore the other weekend?"

"Your butt looks fantastic, but I would try a longer shirt."

You can be honest without being mean.

JaneQ

P.S. My boys have a better fashion sense than I do (since I have none). They know what they like to see me in.

P.P.S. I am about 10-15 pounds overweight at this point, but I am not overly sensitive about it. They are really good about helping me remember that I want to lose weight (I have lost 15 pounds already) without being mean.
 
Gratitude

Hi everyone, I just wanted to let you all know that today has progressively gotten better. With the trauma I experienced a few weeks ago (I had a miscarriage and surgery), things have been more emotionally charged just in general than they usually are. I posted in the Introductions forum how since the miscarriage I have been a lot more insecure and just unsure in general, am trying to work through it.

My BF isn't a dick. He is usually very compassionate and sensitive and supportive. I wouldn't be walking this road with him if I thought otherwise.
I believe perhaps, the thought in his head didn't translate to what came out of his mouth, and that the celebratory champagne and cocktails we had contributed to that.

In any event, I believe we will both be more cautious and considerate when asking and answering questions in the future.

I also wanted to respond to Dirtclustit's response. You wrote a lot of things that when I am at my lowest points would think and maybe even say. However, I have to believe that if there is some underlying issue going on that he is going to talk to me about it.

I was in one relationship where I had to pull pretty much everything out of my partner, and it was one of the things that ended us. My BF is nothing like that. I am going to have to trust him and trust that if something is going on, he will address it with me.

One of the things I am learning about relationships since we rekindled ours in a different way is that if I don't trust my partner and don't believe in them, the relationship is ultimately doomed. I am one of those people who is constantly picking things apart, to death, over-analyzing everything, and constantly questioning myself and other people. This is obviously something I do not like about myself. I am working hard to change/stop it. It serves no purpose but to torture the thinker, and takes away the joy and peace of the moment, day, or even week, depending. I am kind of grateful that poly challenges that on a whole new level because it gives me greater opportunity to work on it, and myself.

Anyway, thank you, every single one of you, for being there in this cyber-land for someone you don't even know. Your responses have brought me greater peace, laughter, validation and even a few tears. I am grateful for it all, and all of you.
 
Thank you for speaking up

because I normally would not post such a reply that makes so many assumptions without a disclaimer. None of us are perfect. You are correct, he could have done what he did without any premeditation. No matter how convincing I, or anybody else, may be, it is you and your boyfriend that will always carry more weight, because it is your life that is being discussed.

And instead of planting seeds of doubt in your mind about your boyfriend, I should have left it at encouraging you to teach him how to be conscious of those situations, because it can easily be avoided, without overthinking, without picking apart the speech or the situation, all while being completely free to be your authentic self, without fear of not being able to make a mistake.

So my words were definitely overly harsh, as it does not matter at all how far they may be from reality, because even if they had been close, it is you who is experiencing it, you and your boyfriend, not me.

When you connect with a person, and understand their life according to compatible beliefs, and are willing to put the work in, it is always worth it to stay, because if they genuinely do understand and will, by their own will, do their part, you won't ever have to make a decision of whether to stay or leave the relationship.

Do not listen to my advice, as only your thoughts will be able to perfectly describe your life. And I mean that sincerely.
 
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JaneQSmythe said:
I do, on occasion, ask this question, in a tongue in cheek sort of way (usually in a phony voice/affectation). But I am looking for some actual feedback. My boys' responses:

"No, honey, your gigantic ass makes you look fat. The jeans have nothing to do with it," followed by hysterical laughter at how clever they are, as I pretend to pout.

More useful answers:

"I think you look better in the ones with the designs on their pockets."

"Those aren't terribly flattering. How about that purple shirt/black skirt thing you wore the other weekend?"

"Your butt looks fantastic, but I would try a longer shirt."

You can be honest without being mean.

JaneQ

P.S. My boys have a better fashion sense than I do. (I have none.) They know what they like to see me in.

P.P.S. I am about 10-15 pounds overweight at this point, but I am not overly sensitive about it. They are really good about helping me remember that I want to lose weight (I have lost 15 pounds already) without being mean.
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I expect honesty, but I do not expect DH to be an asshole about it. I just had a baby last year, and I am not a Victoria's Secret model. I did not have a contractual agreement in place to lose the weight in 90 days or less to maintain my Angel status. I did that 90 days BS with the first child. Never again. I ended up smaller than I was before I got pregnant.

It is all in what/how something is said. There is a huge difference between, "X is more flattering," or "This looks better on your figure" than, oh, saying, "God, you have gained a lot of weight; skipping a few meals would not hurt you at all." As someone who admittedly has had problems with food in the past, that is the wrong thing to say to me.

How to be honest without being mean is a hard feat for some.
 
OP, I am glad things are better. :)
 
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