Maybe I was wrong in writing him a love letter. Maybe I pressured him by saying how deeply I loved him and that I missed seeing him. I was trying to poetic in my writing to him because a few weeks ago he told me he loved and missed me and wished I was there. He asked me to write him a poem.
He cancelled our date night because of something that was going on, which I understood and was accommodating. His behaviour became cold. He would text me about his problems. I would in turn be supportive. When I told him I wouldn't see him in almost a month I was told, "Have fun," which shocked me, by the the way he said it. He then told me, "That's life."
So I wrote a letter about remembering when we first met, how good I felt with him, how I missed and loved him, saying I understand that right now times were tough, and how I wished I could help him through these hard times. However, I did say, "You are right there, but so far away." Maybe that made him flip out. I'm not sure. I had no hidden agenda. I was trying to be sweet so he felt my love and support.
I got a thank you, and then my words twisted into something else. He started questioning me and I felt cold behavior, so I said, "I will let you be. I am sorry if my letter hurt or made you angry in some way."
I was hoping he would reread that letter and our conversation and realize it was harmless. Why so much anger? Why so much blaming? The last thing I said to him was, "I didn't do anything wrong. Somehow in your head I do terrible things and am wrong. My feelings don't matter, only yours."
I want an apology from him. Hell, I deserve an apology. We all have crap going on in our lives, but don't distance the people who love you.
When I got back together with him I was hoping things would change. I feel foolish. The thing is, I am not even angry. I am shocked and dismayed.
We have broken up at least four times over the last year. I broke up with him once because I was fed up with the "couple-centric" behaviour. This last breakup I was told, "I am done with this s@@@." All over me telling him I loved him. Rejected over a love letter. WTH?!
Then I was told, "I don't know what you want to hear," in a nasty tone of voice. What I want to hear is that he feels the same way. That he appreciates my concern about him. "Thank you for being there for me." No, I got my answer from his comment. Hidden meaning: "I'm just not that into you anymore," so let me project that by being nasty and blaming you for my inability to tell you directly that's what I mean.
I'm not even poly. I was only poly because of the situation. He knew this.
I could never talk about my feelings or emotions because it always turned into a break-up. That's how I felt.
Maybe someday we will have a real friendship with no romantic feelings on my end.
The way I see it is he doesn't have time for a relationship outside his marriage. I think he is made for a casual, FWB situation. I am not that girl. He is an easy, go with the flow, let's see what happens type of guy. I am intense and want romance and passion. I don't play games. In my world you do or you don't. There is no in between.
The last time he tried to break up with me, he told me that maybe he shouldn't have romance outside his marriage, and told me no more sex because it complicates things. I was with him for over a year. We spent three to four days a week together for a year. That suddenly changed, without any discussion, to not seeing him for two, maybe three weeks. Of course I am going to question what is going on.
I don't think he was being honest. I know bad things were going on in his life, but he made time for his other friends. You don't think I noticed that? He is making plans to go on vacation, without his wife, with a friend. He would never do that with me. Not without his wife.
I couldn't even be alone with him the entire time we dated. I always hung out with the wife, too. That was a problem for me. I got no intimacy. I was not dating his wife. He would text me and ask, "When are you coming to see us? We miss you." Again, I am not dating your wife.
Perhaps I am crazy. I want what we used to have.
I will no longer be a secondary or tertiary to anyone. This has been a hot and cold relationship, "Come here, go away," for far too long. I tried to bring this up. I attempted communication, but that never worked. He just wants easy.
Good luck with that.
I do know for a fact that when he tells people what happened, it's all put on me. I no longer trust him. How would you expect someone to act when you are being told one thing and your actions don't match? It's confusing. It's crazy making. It's hurtful. Especially when the other person refuses to communicate when there is an issue. It's the "Maybe if I just ignore it, it will go away" mentality.
Then when I bring it up, all hell breaks loose. I get ignored. I get broken up with because I wrote you a love letter.
No. I don't work that way. I have no self-esteem issues.
I was trying so hard to be careful, walking on eggshells, trying to make whatever in the heck this was easy and not stressful. I always lost because he thinks he is perfect and does nothing wrong. He'd close up. He'd scream at me. He accused me of ignoring him at a party.
The thing is, I will treat you the way you treat me. I am tired of being the one to make changes in a relationship when I see no changes from you. I was feeling like all I did was annoy or bother him. So I stopped texting. I let him make the first move.
I'm tired.
Again, I am not fishing for anything here. I am ranting on a forum. That's it. It's actually quite helpful. And I am angry.
