New to it all

[AilaLynn]

Hello everyone! I'm Lynn. I am new to the whole polyamory thing. My husband and I have been married for 3 years now.

To start with, I have always been open-minded about a lot of things. I have been bisexual for as long as I can remember and never understood why one couldn't be happy with more than one person. I just never knew there was a term for it.

My husband is the first person (man) who actually accepts my bisexuality, embraces it, and allows me the freedom to pursue it, without jealousy issues. He also is the only person I have found who is on the same wavelength as me, and is as open as I am about things.

To start out with, we had initially agreed to have threesomes every once in a while, with women we trusted, but it was more like they were our play-toys or friends with benefits when it suited us.

After a couple of years, we started joking about the idea of having someone in a relationship, in a sense, with us. It went from joking to serious discussions.

I started talking to his ex-wife and we clicked right away. Now, she lives with us. I fell for her pretty quickly and we get along wonderfully. The three of us are involved with one another. However, my husband is rarely home, as he works across country.

So I do have some questions, because it is a unique situation. I mean, how many people actually get involved with ex-wives and so on? lol. I wanted his children with us so they could grow up with our children (their half-siblings). He tells me all the time that the only reason he is involved with her is because he wants me to be happy. He knows I need a female companion, I want the kids here, and I need help around the house with all the kids. There are five, altogether, for now.

I do care for her, and love her in my own way, because she provides different things for me that he can't. (I won't be with another male while with him, and have no interest, for some reason.) Anyway, I love him in a different way that I don't think I ever could her, because 1. he's my best friend, 2. we are so in sync in our ways of thinking about things, 3. we understand each other as no others have, 4. we communicate way more about more things than either of us have ever seen anyone do. We are soul mates, to sum it up.

I kind of feel bad because I know he does not trust her nor does he really have deep feelings towards her anymore and not like he does for me. He has told her numerous times (I have overheard this and she has told me) that if I ever leave she will be gone right then. He does care about her in some ways, but I think it is mainly for the 2 kids they had together before and because he wants me happy.

He does try to treat her equally, but there are a lot of times both she and I notice he leans more towards me.

Anyway, even though is it working out well, so far, can this eventually cause issues where I will have to end things with her because of his not really wanting to be with her in a close relationship like he and I have?

Sure, we have had issues so far with jealousy and envy, but it has been from her end. We have worked through that. She feels horrible that she did that, and has sought out treatment for it. It turns out she has a chemical imbalance. It's gotten significantly better.

Also, is it normal or okay to feel slight twinges of envy or pain when it is his night to go to sleep in her room? ... I mean, because I know what they are doing. Some days it bothers me slightly; other days it does not. I think part of it is because I want to be there too, but we have it set up where we rotate nights so that each gets individual time together, though we have nights where the three of us enjoy each other when the mood hits.

I know this is a lot to read. I apologize. I just am not sure how to word this, and where else to ask for advice.

I'm new to this, so am not sure the best ways to make sure it is balanced, so everyone can be happy and enjoy life together without any major issues.

I already know that I have no worries of him leaving me for her. That isn't a problem. I just worry that his distrust of her, and his acting as if he has to do it to keep the kids together, and for my happiness, is going to make it so she and I have to end our relationship (even though me being with her does not bother him). He just feels he has to give her what she wants in order to keep her there, because she wants to be with him as much as with me.

She has also told me she has issues sometimes because she does not want to share me, yet she does not want to share him either.

So... how do I best work through this so everyone can be happy, be themselves, and enjoy life and the kids?

 

[london]

If he doesn't have much feeling for her, doesn't trust her, and she feels similarly, why are they romantic/sexual partners?

You know, a triad, where three people are romantically/sexually involved, is one form of polyamory, but actually the majority of polyamorous people have multiple romantic relationships that are separate from one another. They don't share partners at all.

Wouldn't it lessen the pressure a bit if they were given the option to not be involved in the way they are, and then you could continue your relationship with her, and they could go back to being co-parents?

 

[AilaLynn]

It would be nice if it were that easy. lol. As I said, he does care for her somewhat. He just thinks he has to be involved with her in order to keep her there because that is what she wants. If she left, then I would no longer have my companion, the help, or my step-kids with me, because she would take my step-kids with her (which I understand, since they are her children). He knows that if she left, or the kids left, I would be devastated. He does not want that to happen, so he gives her what she wants in that aspect so that I can be happy. He just does not understand the concept that I can be happy with a different situation to have the kids here. Does that make sense?

He has tried on several occasions to tell her that just a friendship between him and her is okay with him and what he wants, even if it is just being friends "with benefits" every now and then. She does not want that. So, he obligates himself to the whole thing with her.

In some ways, this bugs me, because what if he and I decide we want to have a relationship with someone we both trust and care for, and not just me being the one who feels for the other person? I'm afraid she will prevent that from happening, even though it is the lifestyle we have wanted before she ever came along.

I don't want him with her out of an obligation for the kids and me. But how can he get out of it with her when she will not accept that happening? If she flips out because of it, then that means the kids will essentially be taken from us and moved across country with her. Yet I don't want to lose her either. I just can't get either one of them to understand he does not have to be with her if he does not feel the want to be involved. Complicated, I know. Hence why I asked for advice.

*sigh* I already know I would never choose her over him. So, that is not the issue.

 

[GalaGirl]

Welcome,

I'm sorry you are struggling.

It doesn't sound complicated to me... complicated to feel maybe, but not complicated behavior.

You want to have your husband's ex as your gf/lover, and cohabitate with her so all the children can live under one roof. Your husband and his ex are going along with this and trying it on. Now you are struggling because you know your husband is not really into her. He is doing it "for you." You know she is into him. Because you care about her, you probably don't want her being used or strung along.

So how do you restore right relationship within yourself, with your husband, and with her?

Can this eventually cause issues where I will have to end things with her because of his not really wanting to be with her in a close relationship like he and I have?

You are already having issues. Otherwise, why are you posting?

You could ask them both where they stand, rather than wait for things to explode from tension or whatever.

You could ask DH to confirm that he'd prefer to stop having sex with his ex-wife. You could tell him you'd be okay with that, and okay dealing with whatever happens next once he ends it. He doesn't have to "put out" and have sex with her for your sake.

Would he be okay if you continued to date her, if she continued to cohabitate with you both? Get answers.

You could also ask your gf (his ex-wife) whether, if their side of the triad broke up, she would also want to break up with you, and if that would mean that she'd want to stop living together. Ask her if she's aware that you and your husband want to date other people and not be exclusive. Get answers.

Ask yourself what you want. Maybe you want to date her, but not cohabitate. She could live nearby.

You could lean into this, and resolve it, rather than shy away from it from fear of potential conflict. You seem to be avoiding it because you don't want to feel anything yucky once it is out in the open. But if you all continue to avoid facing the issues, things could just escalate.

You could think about changing your conflict resolution method from avoidance to something else. It's being felt now, by you and your husband. She seems to know he's not all that into her. You've all tried this on, and have found it is not working for all parties.

 

[kdt26417]

Welcome Lynn,
I'm glad you could join our forum.

Re:

"Sooooo ... how do I best work through this so everyone can be happy, be themselves, and enjoy life and the kids?"

I'm afraid you may be trying to solve an impossible problem. Your husband and his ex-wife don't have compatible feelings about what they want from each other, and these are the kind of feelings that have to do with chemistry, they aren't customizable, let alone by anything you do since you aren't in that dyad.

The only hope would be for your husband to explore the reasons why he doesn't trust her, and see if there is any way to rectify the root causes of that mistrust. Maybe if he trusted her more he would be more inclined to relate to her romantically. All of this would take a lot of work and cooperation on his part though, and she might have to do some things to restore the trust as well.

Things like bits of jealousy over her nights with him, and her reluctance to share, are emotional states that may fade away over time. Sometimes it helps to communicate (such as a three-person sit-down) about these feelings, not assigning blame, just getting them out there. It may be a good idea anyway to have regular sit-downs (such as once a week or once a month), especially in the early stages of your triad relationship.

On the other hand, if she continues to not want to share, and that feeling becomes more instead of less intense, then you could be headed for a nasty break-up somewhere down the road. You're exposing yourself to a certain amount of risk by venturing further into this triad relationship. It looks like you're already committed to it though, so I guess you'll have to see where it leads.

Perhaps you will benefit from the Life stories and blogs board, where you can observe experiences other people have had with poly, and what has and hasn't worked for them. Plus the Poly Relationships Corner is a good place to post further thoughts, questions, and concerns.

I am sympathetic knowing you just want everyone to be happy and are trying your best to be helpful to your companions. I wish you well in your endeavors and hope this post helps in some small way.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[AilaLynn]

Thank you for your responses.

Gala, you are right on the nose with your understanding of it. I was afraid it was something too complicated for most to get. I never thought of it from the aspect as being complicated to feel, but not complicated behavior. That helps make things easier to look at. Thanks for the questions you posed.

Kevin, we already do sit down and discuss things. I've been trying to facilitate that a lot. We've discovered that he doesn't trust her because of stuff she did and put him through while they were married. We've discovered that they have nothing in common, for the most part. Yesterday she told me she can't understand why it is hard for him to get what she's trying to say when she tells him about stuff she is dealing with, yet she can tell me and I get it completely.

She says it confuses her that he and I are like one and the same person with everything, except maybe 5% to 10% of who we are, including that he is male and I am female.

I don't know how to get him to acknowledge her issues when she brings them to him. He acknowledges my issues when I put them forth, so I know he can do it. He is very good at it.

I will be attempting to get them to look at the root of his distrust of her. But as you said, Kevin, he has to be willing to work through it.

Thank you all for the different words of advice. I will see if they help.

 

[Magdlyn]

Whew, wow. You are asking a lot of your husband, by falling in love with his ex-wife, and making him live with her. And he is certainly in a strange place, fucking his ex-wife so she won't leave you!

He and she broke up for a reason, or probably multiple reasons. Now you want to love and fuck her, and you want her kids with you. So somehow, your husband has to fuck her. She wants that. Just loving you and fucking you isn't enough for her.

Yikes.

If you insist he does not have to fuck her to get her to stay, and he stops, and she leaves, why does she have to then take her kids and move "across the country?" If she loves you, why can't she get a place in town, to continue being near you, and to let her kids live near their half siblings? Does she love you, really? Why would she leave you if her ex told her he just doesn't feel sexual chemistry for her anymore?

There are billions of women in the world. Why did you choose to fall in love with and have move in the woman your husband divorced?

 

[kdt26417]

Re:

"We already discuss things. I've been trying to facilitate that."

Excellent. I would continue to do that. It sounds like there is more insight to be gleaned from it.

 

[AilaLynn]

Whew, wow. You are asking a lot of your husband, by falling in love with his ex-wife and making him live with her. And he is certainly in a strange place, fucking his ex so she won't leave you!

He and she broke up for a reason, or probably multiple reasons. Now you want to love and fuck her, and you want her kids with you, so your husband has to fuck her. She wants that. Just loving you and fucking you isn't enough for her.

Yikes.

If you insist he does not have to fuck her so she will stay, and he stops, and she leaves, why does she have to then take her kids and move "across the country?" If she loves you, why can't she get a place in town, to continue being near you, to let the kids be with their half siblings? Does she love you, really? Why would she leave you if her ex told her he just doesn't feel sexual chemistry for her anymore?

There are billions of women in the world. Why did you choose to fall in love with and have move in the woman your husband divorced?

My husband and I both wanted all his kids here with us, but we couldn't take her kids from her because we couldn't prove her unfit. We had both agreed to do whatever it took to keep her kids here with us. We both agreed to move her in with us. But we had planned originally to get her a place of her own down here.

It wasn't actually supposed to turn out as it did. He introduced her to me. I guess he thought it would be a civil or platonic friendship between all involved.

Originally he and I had wanted to have this with anyone but her. But we got her down here and it ended up she wanted us both. She and I clicked. He and she are civil. They do care for one another, but she feels more for him than he does for her. He decided he would do whatever it took to keep her/his kids here, which meant he had to be involved with her as she wanted.

If he didn't, she would take her kids across country with her, because that is where she is from. Her family is there. We wouldn't be able to legally keep the kids with us if she left without a drawn-out court battle.

I've thought about having her get her own place nearby so he doesn't have to deal with being with her when he is home. He only comes home for one week out of every five to nine weeks because of his job. But he knows that wouldn't be good for the kids, because she gets stressed out easily, and her kids don't listen to her much. They do better with me. I'm more level headed. So, we both decided to keep her with us in the house.

I never expected to fall for her. It just happened. Technically I didn't choose to fall for my husband's ex. He is okay with it, though. So when you say I'm making him, that offends me. I'm not making him do anything. He is choosing to do it. We both agreed to it. He just has it in his head that I have to have her here to be happy, because he is afraid that if his kids are taken away it would devastate me. Which it would. But it would devastate him more because they are his biological kids. He and I both want his kids to grow up with ours since they are half-siblings. I never got to grow up with mine. He never got to grow up with his. Neither of us are close to our siblings now, due to that.

It is a complicated situation, but please do not insinuate that I am making him do things he does not want to do. He chooses to do things for whatever reasons of his own. If he wanted to cut things off with her totally, that would be okay with me. I will survive and support him. He is my "primary," so to speak. My marital bonds are with him, not her. I have made promises to him, not to her. We will find other ways to get to see the kids, if it ends up that way.

I didn't ask for advice to be accused of forcing anyone into anything. I was asking in order to find ways to help them get past whatever issues they have so we can all be happy together to benefit each other and the kids. I was merely trying to explain his reasons that are his own, as he sees them, in his head.

 

[kdt26417]

Well, keep us posted on any new insights that come out of your sit downs and discussions. Communication is so important.

 

[Magdlyn]

Okay. Her own kids don't listen to her. She is a somewhat ineffective parent. Yet, she has full custody and could take them to another state, if she so pleased, at any time?

You're a better mom, both to your own kids and to hers? So, your husband being gone far more than he is home (by a long shot-- one week home, five to nine weeks away!), he wants his kids with her to have a more effectual mom (step-mom) than his ex?

When he comes home, he has to have sex with her a few times in that one week, which keeps her feeling wanted enough that she will stay with you, in your house, and you get more siblings for your own kids. This helps heal a childhood wound of yours.

But she is jealous of the time he spends with you, and she is jealous of the time you spend with him. And he doesn't trust her, or love her (much, if at all), but will fuck her just to keep her there, so neither woman has to be a single mom while he's away for 5-9 weeks at a time.

Very unusual situation. Almost Biblical.

 

[AilaLynn]

She is a somewhat ineffective parent, yet she has full custody, and could take them to another state if she so pleased, at any time?

You're a better mom, both to your own kids and to hers? So, your husband being going far more than he is home, he wants his kids with her to have a more effectual mom (step-mom) than his ex?

He comes home and has to have sex with her a few times in that one week, and that keeps her feeling wanted enough that she will stay with you, in your house, and you get more siblings for your own kids. This helps heal a childhood wound of yours.

But she is jealous... And he doesn't trust her, or love her (much, if at all), but will fuck her just to keep her there, so neither woman has to be a single mom while he's away for weeks at a time.

Very unusual situation. Almost Biblical.

Magdlyn, she was granted custody, even though she left and fled to another state across country, because, in most cases, if the mom can't be proven unfit, the kids are given to her. In this case, when she left, and my husband fought her for custody, the court said that the kids had been with her for too long to grant him custody. Also, the court had no proof at all of her being unfit. When she took off, it took over a year to track her down and find her in order for him to divorce her and face the custody battle. She still has full legal custody, for now.

My husband had the idea to let her stay with us, and then at tax time, to claim the kids on his taxes, to prove that he and I had been supporting them, so we'd have a better chance of getting them. Since his ex-wife has no home, job, or anything other than custody payments, we have better grounds to fight for them. This also makes it easier, as the kids would be able to say that they enjoyed staying with us more than with her alone.

Even then, I still feel that the kids do need their own mother, because it is important for kids to have their biological parents in their lives as much as possible. Neither of mine were ever really in my life much. I was raised by my grandparents, or aunts and uncles, back and forth. Due to this I felt, as a child, that my parents didn't care about me. I don't want that for any of my step-kids.

Despite all this, I do care for her and love her in my own way. He cares about her because she is his kids' mother.

I just want everything to be able to be smoothed out so the kids can have a happy and functional family unit that is strong and there for them, no matter what. This also helps them be able to have someone to go to when they need it. If they can't go to her, then they can come to me and my husband, or vice versa.

I don't know about biblical, but unusual, yes. That's why I asked for advice on some ways to help open communication between her and him in order for it to be easier for the three of us to be able to communicate on all levels, especially important ones. She and I communicate great when alone. He and I communicate superbly, always have. But she and he do not.

Since we all started sitting down and having talks, she has done much better dealing with her jealousy issues about my spending time with him and him with me. When he comes home, a lot of my time is taken away from her. She finally opened up and said she felt like he was taking me from her, in a way. So we agreed that when he is home, that she and I would get a few hours alone for a day or two at some point during that week. She has also said that she had gotten used to having me all to herself the majority of the time, and it bothered her to have that suddenly "taken away." I just wish she would have let us know this before it started causing issues for her and all of us. We would have been able to come up with a solution if she would have said something about it.

She was raised Fundamentalist Mormon. She grew up in a polygynous family. She is familiar with poly in some form.

We are still having issues with her communicating properly with him or the two of us together. We are still working on it. She has been on her meds, which has helped a lot with her moods. They are slowly getting leveled out, thank goodness! lol.

KDT, I certainly will keep you guys updated.

 

[GalaGirl]

Is she aware of this idea?

My husband has the idea to let her stay with us, and then, at tax time, claim the kids on his taxes to prove he and I have been supporting the kids, so we would have a better chance of getting them. Since she has no home, job, or anything other than custody payments, we have better grounds to fight for them. This also makes it easier, as they will be able to say they enjoy staying with us more than with her alone.

If not, why not?

If she is, does she consider this as him and you demonstrating "caring behavior" toward her?

She has no home, job, or anything other than custody payments.

I just wish she would have let us know this before it started causing issues for her and all of us.

Are you able to see the skewed power dynamic here?

Did you consider asking each player for their willingness/ability to continue to participate in this polyship in a healthy way? What was the outcome of your consideration?

Galagirl

 

[AilaLynn]

Is she aware of this idea?

If not, why not?

If she is, does she consider this as him and you demonstrating "caring behavior" toward her?

Are you able to see the skewed power dynamic here?

Did you consider asking each player for their willingness/ability to continue to participate in this polyship in a healthy way? What was the outcome of your consideration?

No, I do not see the power dynamic here. Please elaborate. If it pertains to my husband's idea for getting custody, that was his idea, his plan, not mine.

The only thing I am attempting to do is improve the communication between everyone, and ensure that all involved can be happy.

She has said a lot of times that she feels inadequate because she is unable to communicate on the same level and wavelength my husband and I do with each other. This is not a power dynamic, but rather the way she is.

I am fighting to get everyone involved to communicate openly in order to make this work. I asked them both if they were willing to continue to participate in this poly relationship in a healthy way. They both agreed with me that there needed to be better communication between everyone-- not just between her and him, or me and her, but all three of us. She has been trying to work on it, but she has only been working on it towards me. She still goes off on my hubby quite a bit.

He has attempted to communicate better with her. But he hasn't tried that hard. He is willing to be involved in the poly relationship for his own reasons (the ones I tried to explain in previous posts).

I am willing, for several reasons. I have always been open to poly. I care for her. I want the kids here. I want everyone to be able to be happy and fulfilled and to be able to have a wonderful life together.

She wants it because she cares for him and me, and because she knows we are trying to help her.

 

[kdt26417]

Re:

"She finally opened up and said she felt like he was taking me from her, in a way. So we agreed that when he is home, she and I would get a few hours alone for a day or two at some point during that week."

Sounds like you made some progress there; that's good to hear.

 

[GalaGirl]

Your gf has no other home and no money other than his payments to her, so how free is she to tell you how she really feels about you, about him, or about the dynamic, when one wrong word could mean you two would kick her out of the home, stop the custody payments, and her have to chase him through the courts for it? All this while having to provide for the kids and start all over?

That's what I mean about a skewed power dynamic:

- She may say pretty things to you and to him, but how authentic could they be?
- You keep "fighting" to make a thing fly that wouldn't fly naturally.
- Your hubby seems to be in it for ulterior motives, i.e., to set her up and gain legal custody of the kids.

I'm sorry, but that all sounds very messed up and unhealthy to me. This does not bode well.

GG

 

[AilaLynn]

Your gf has no other home and no money other than his payments to her, so how free is she to tell you how she really feels about you, him, or the dynamic, when one wrong word could mean you guys kicking her out of the home, stopping payments, and her having to chase him through the courts for it? All while having to provide for the kids and start over?

That's what I mean about a skewed power dynamic:
-She may SAY pretty things to you and to him... but how authentic could it be?
- You keep "fighting" to make a thing fly that wouldn't naturally fly.
- Your hubby seems like he is in it for ulterior motives, to set her up and gain legal custody of the kids.

I'm sorry, but that sounds messed up to me.

I never quite looked at it that way. It saddens me to do so, though, because I truly want something great and fulfilling... probably because I care for everyone so much. I don't want her to go at all. Even if she did decide to not be involved with us, or me, we would get her a place nearby at least, so the kids could be near to us.

My husband has told her this plenty of times: "If you don't want to be here, or with us, then I will get you your own place, if that is what you want." My husband is true to his word, so I do believe that if she ever decided she wanted out or anything, that he would make good on his word and get her a small place nearby. I hope it won't ever come to that, but if it does, I hope she genuinely cares for enough me to still be with me, at least.

So, despite the power-dynamic appearance, she does have options and choices, and we would help. He just won't help if she decides to go back across country again to her mother.

Am I just fooling myself, hoping or trying so hard? Should I even bother to try? I mean, it seems to be doing better with more communication between her and me, and some attempt at it between him and her.

He did care more for her at one time. Is it possible for it to get back to that point, at least a little bit? We are putting her through college in January, because that is what she wants. We are doing everything we can to make sure she is happy. He more on the financial aspects, me more on the emotional, and everything else she could need or want (she even says I spoil her a lot), but I can only do so much.

Ugh. Now I am gonna be questioning everything everyone does pertaining to this.

This just sucks, because it was something I agreed to initially when it developed. If I had any inkling that no one would have truly made efforts I wouldn't have agreed to go along with it. I don't want anyone to be doing it out of obligation. I want everyone to genuinely care. I guess if things can't be fixed so that those two can be as happy as I am when I am with them individually, then I suppose I'll have to chalk it up as a painful loss, and try again with someone else I know he can care for just as much. I just don't feel right being with someone without him being with them too. In a lot of ways it makes me feel wrong to leave him out of anything. He's so much a part of me and my life. I want him to be as happy as I am. I know he is open to the lifestyle. I know he can be fulfilled in all ways. Does that make sense?

I was just truly hoping the first attempt would be better than it turned out to be. I'm just having difficulties understanding why everyone can't be as happy as I would like. As I said earlier, they did care for one another at one point in time, so why is it so hard for them to be able to muster that up enough to make this work?

Btw, in case you were wondering, he was the one to bring up the whole possibility of the poly thing initially. But he knew from the time we met that I was open to it. Back then, we sat down and discussed it, and we both agreed to it. Then he broached it to her when she still lived across country, and she agreed to it as a possibility and moved down here. We completely funded her move. Then she completely agreed to it when she met me. So, that part is what is making it hard for me to understand some things. Like, why would she agree to it and make the move across country if she wasn't okay with it? Why would he broach it if he wasn't willing to even try or truly be into it? This is making my head spin, trying to pinpoint what needs to be fixed so that things can move forward, no matter which way it will go. *sigh*

Thanks for the different viewpoints. They help me to see things I hadn't seen or noticed before. It helps to know what I am dealing with so I know what to do.

 

[kdt26417]

Re:

"As I said earlier, they did care for one another at one point in time, so why is it so hard for them to be able to muster that up enough to make this work?"

To answer that question, I think you'd have to dig to the root of what made them decide to break up in the first place. That would probably take some heavy-duty communication on both their parts, and may require a (poly-friendly) counselor. Did they both decide to break up, or was that mainly his idea?

Re:

"Yes, he was the one to bring up the whole *possibility* of the poly thing initially. Then we sat down and discussed it and we both agreed to it, then he broached it with her when she still lived across country, and she agreed to it as a possibility and moved down here. We completely funded her move."

The desire to be with one's kids is a powerful force. It is unfortunately possible that he initiated all this because it was the only way he could think of to get his kids back, even if he didn't *necessarily* intend to snatch custody away from her. The point is, getting her to move back to your part of the country does give him considerable access to his kids that he otherwise wouldn't have. So his motives have to be questioned. It would unfortunately explain why he doesn't *really* want to have sex with her.

I get the impression that she wants to repair her relationship with him, but he isn't quite so interested in repairing his relationship with her. It sounds like he's doing the bare minimum in that area, of what's necessary to keep his kids around.

The situation might not be hopeless though. Even if his motives aren't 100% pure, there's a chance that your encouragement to keep him and her communicating may lead to an insight of something that could fix their relationship. But it's also possible that this is a job for a professional, so if you can find a poly-friendly counselor (for all three of you), by all means do so.

At the moment, what I see is that his current amount of effort is just enough to keep her -- and their kids -- around. Plus he now has a back-up plan to take the kids from her if she tries to move across the country again. Which adds up to less incentive for him to try to improve things with her any more than he already has. So you have your work cut out for you if you want to fix the him-her dynamic. There's a limit to what you can do since you aren't in their dyad. Both of them need to be willing to put considerable effort into this.

What might make this seem the most worth it to him? perhaps that it would be good for his kids to see him and their mother getting along better? that it would reduce the hassle required to keep his kids in his home? If a selfish motive is what he has to start with, maybe it can morph into something more sincere after his relationship with her begins to improve. But once again, I think you'd need (with lots of their help) to dig down to the reason/s he and she broke up in the first place.

Sorry to be the bearer of bad news. We can't be mind readers, so we can't know what's going on in his mind, but we can make guesses based on the known facts. I guess the question now is, do you still feel like it's worth it to you? If so, prepare yourself to work with what you have, even if what you have isn't as ideal as you originally believed.

I'm pulling for you to discover some good news.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[AilaLynn]

Did they both decide to break up, or was that mainly his idea?

She was the one who decided to leave him for the third time. She has some chemical imbalance issues that made her and makes her extremely difficult to live with. She becomes irrational and explodes constantly, which is why she is on medication now. I pointed out to her that she needed this so she could be better for her kids. They already resented her, even hated her, because of how she's acted for so long, and for taking them away from their dad in the first place. She felt it was becoming an extremely unhealthy environment for them, due to her issues, so she left. He was the one who pursued the divorce and finalized their relationship ending.

The desire to be with one's kids is a powerful force. It is unfortunately possible that he initiated all this because it was the only way he could think of to get his kids back, even if he didn't necessarily intend to snatch custody away from her. The point is, getting her to move back to your part of the country does give him considerable access to his kids that he otherwise wouldn't have. So his motives have to be questioned. It would unfortunately explain why he doesn't really want to have sex with her.

That makes sense as an explanation for why he isn't truly interested and doesn't try that hard. I, too, have noticed that he does the bare minimum to keep her happy, to keep her here. He even grumbles and complains to me every time it is his night to spend alone with her. He avoids it for as long as possible. He sits up with me until he's too tired to stay up any longer.

I know he has told her a lot of times that if I ever leave because of her, that she can forget being with him, because if I'm not here, he doesn't want anyone. He's also told her if I leave because of her then she goes too. This just sucks, because I hate to see her sad. It just sucks it would be for selfish reasons, you know.

Yet, at the same time, I can understand him wanting to have his kids around. I want them around too, but I'm not gonna make her stay if she doesn't want to. I can understand him not trusting her because she has screwed him over so many times, but to lead someone on just for the kids? I don't wanna be the one to tell her that he doesn't care for her (as he tells me) because he should be the one to do that. But I think she already knows he doesn't, because she has commented to me that she knows "he doesn't want me, because if he did, he wouldn't tell me every chance he gets that if you go, then I go"(her words).

Also, he has told me he doesn't care what she thinks or feels about it if/when we decide to bring someone else into a relationship with us. He says if we find someone we both click with, and it goes into a relationship, then it's gonna happen. He says she can get over herself, and it is our life to be free to be with who we want. I have to agree with that, because I'm not limiting us on the love we give out just because one person doesn't want us to do that.

Thank you for the insight, Kevin. I never questioned it being for reasons purely for the kids. I assumed he did care, at least a little, or he wouldn't be dealing with the crap she puts him through. In that light, I guess you are right. People put up with a lot if it means they get to keep their kids.

 

[kdt26417]

I hope she and he come to some kind of peace about things eventually.