So confused!

[DeepEmotion101]

So my wife and I have been married for just over 8 years now. I have been working overseas on and off and am away from home quite a bit.

The first 3 or 4 years were very stressful because my wife was really insecure and didn't trust me, although I was fully faithful. Underneath it all, I had some fantasies that had destroyed my previous marriage, but my new wife knew about them. At first she was upset, because I was to only think of her and nobody else.

My fantasy was her being with other men. As time went on, she would bring this fantasy up while we were having sex.

At some point in time, she finally got the nerve to explore and has had several sexual encounters, but no attachments until last year, when she hooked up with an old friend. Since hooking up with this friend, she has become stronger and I have become weaker, thinking she must not love me anymore and want a divorce. My paranoia is so strong right now I find myself trying to protect my assets and question her constantly about her love for me. She continues to say she loves me and would never leave me, that I need to go out and do the same thing, to see that love isn't about possession and that we can still love each other having others involved. I feel she has brought us into polyamory, but she won't talk about her other relationship and how I fit in. Is it because I am insecure and pushy? I am so confused. I want to be strong and rid of this hurt.

"D"

 

[bookbug]

Emotionally, you feel threatened by her feelings for the old friend. Do you have any logical reason to think she is going to leave you?

The thing about emotions is that they are like alarm bells going off, telling you that something needs to be addressed, but they don't tell you what. Your mind fills in the gaps. Problem is if you're not looking at with cool-headed logic, the mind will make up the worst stories to match the alarm bells-- whether there is any truth to it or not.

The emotions may just be saying, this is new and different and it feels weird. They may be saying, I have self-esteem issues that need work, or I have jealousy issues that need work.

What does your logic, not your emotions, tell you is the truth?

 

[BigGuy]

Why do you need to know where you fit into their relationship? Their relationship is their relationship. Your relationship is your relationship.

Examine yourself. What is the source of your insecurity from within you?

 

[GalaGirl]

I am sorry you hurt.

I'm a bit tired, but I'll try. Bear with me.

It takes time for the "new normal" to stop feeling weird and become the "old normal." You are in transition. You could remember that you are weathering and experiencing change, not headed straight for doom.

Breathe, and try to relax.

You could focus on your wife's reassurance. She's told you she's not going anywhere.

• What does she have to do better to demonstrate loving, kind, reassuring behavior toward you?
• Is how she is doing it or how she is articulating it not working for you? You could give her feedback, and focus on the fact she is trying here.
• You could remember it is new to her too and she's not going to be the perfect hinge right off the bat. She has a process here too.

You could focus on what you want from yourself -- to be strong in your behavior so you can feel better.

• When you focus on your paranoid feelings, it does not seem to serve you well. You could seek to move it forward, rather than feeling stuck. Adjust your focus.
• Give yourself permission to be in a transitional space.
• You don't have to be the perfect husband/metamour right off the bat.
• You are in a process.

What do you have to do in your behavior to demonstrate loving and kind behavior toward yourself?

What do you want from the team? Seems like better communication is needed on that layer. So you could think on it some and then try and ask again for what you need and how you need it.

Remember, you are not your thoughts or feelings. You are the person doing the thinking and feeling. If thinking destructive thoughts is leading to paranoid feelings you do not like, focus and consider constructive thoughts instead-- ways to bring you and your wife together, rather than divorce that would break you apart.

Inform your wife that this is where you want to go in the reassurance bucket and need her help with.

I am going to take a stab in the dark. Is this close to where it is at, but you struggle to articulate it well?

​

"I need to be reassured. I see you trying, but would you please adjust how you reassure me, so I can weather this new change better? ​

​

Please do not encourage me to date at this time, telling me to add a new change, like dating a new GF, and not helping me weather the already turbulent waters here. I am feeling rocky from the other change -- your BF in the picture. I need stability and togetherness with you, not more rocky new stuff and feeling separated from you.​

​

I know it takes time for the new normal to actually feel normal. I need extra reassuring about what my place in this new life is so I can relax about waiting for that time to pass. ​

​

I want to talk about how I fit into the new "three-person V" picture, because the old "just us two" has ended. I am mourning that loss. The new shape still feels weird. I feel out on a limb here. ​

​

I don't know how to be in this new-shape thing in my role as husband and metamour. I don't know what is expected of me. ​

I don't know how to be sharing you as the hinge person in a V. ​

I need help figuring all that out. I feel confused doing it alone. I want your help and input.​

​

So when I want to feel close and connected to you, the last thing I want you to be telling me is "go find a GF." I'd rather you offer me a hug. Or a good talk. Or take me out on a date so I am not thinking wacky. Air me out.​

​

At this time I just want the love I have with you, my wife, and I want you to express it by having heart-to-heart conversations with me and giving me some attention.. ​

I could be wrong in my guess. But if it is close, you could print that out and have your wife read it.

Could any of these help you and your wife talk and communicate more effectively? She seems willing to try, but y'all are still working out the how.

What if you read it together so she can know more of what you need at this time in terms of support? Esp page 5 & 6 things in the first link.

• http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/images/Jealousy_Updated_10-6-10.pdf
• http://www.cat-and-dragon.com/stef/poly/Labriola/jealousy.html
• http://www.kathylabriola.com/articles/are-you-in-poly-hell

BREATHE. It's okay to feel wigged out. This is new. Change is sometimes hard for people, and that's okay.

Hang in there,
Galagirl

 

[LondonGuy]

@Bookbug - That is such a great post!! To newbies like myself who are still trying to figure stuff out it's really usefull to read something like that

If there was a like button I'd be hammering it right now

 

[bookbug]

@Bookbug - That is such a great post!! To newbies like myself who are still trying to figure stuff out it's really usefull to read something like that

If there was a like button I'd be hammering it right now

I am so glad it was helpful!

 

[SchrodingersCat]

She continues to say she loves me and would never leave me. That I need to go out and do the same thing to see that love isn't about possession and that we can still love each other having others involved.

That doesn't work. You can't learn how to be on one side of the poly arrangement by putting yourself in the other position. If that were true, everyone would be good at teaching because we've all been students. If you want to learn how to be comfortable with your position in the relationship, you have to do so from that position.

I feel she has brought us into Polyamory but she wont talk about her other relationship, and how I fit in.

Am I misunderstanding something? You said you had fantasies about her with another man, you shared your fantasies with her, and now she's doing that. How is it she that brought you into polyamory? Granted, fucking isn't loving... but you opened that can of worms, dearie.

She's entitled to privacy with regards to her other relationship. You have the right to know if she's practicing safe sex, and any other pertinent information that may have consequences in your life, but you're not entitled to the nitty gritty details of what goes on between them. Maybe that was part of your fantasy, but your fantasies do not carry responsibilities for anyone to fulfill them.

Is it because I am insecure and pushy? I am so confused and want to be strong and get rid this hurt.

I don't know. Are you insecure and pushy? If so, then that's probably the cause of a lot of angst. If you would describe yourself that way, then it's probably true, so that's probably a good place to start in dealing with your situation. Insecurity usually isn't caused by an external force, so you'll need to figure out what, within yourself, makes you feel insecure, and address it as a personal issue.

 

[Magdlyn]

I have been working overseas on and off and am away from home quite a bit. The first 3 or 4 years were very stressful because my wife was really insecure and didn't trust me, although I was fully faithful.

She was insecure about your faithfulness with no evidence other than that you were not directly in her sight path. That must have felt hurtful.

Now you are insecure about her faithfulness because she dared to have fond feelings (sarcasm: we don't actually chose our feelings) for one of the men you wanted her to fuck.

Underneath it all, I had some fantasies that destroyed my previous marriage but my new wife knew about them, and at first she was upset because I was to only think of her and nobody else. My fantasy was her being with other men. As time went on, she would bring this fantasy up while we were having sex.

She made progress in giving you something you needed/desired. Imagining her with other men is a big turn-on for you. You have some "cuckold" tendencies. However...

At some point in time, she finally got the nerve to explore, and has had several sexual encounters, but no attachments until last year, when she hooked up with an old friend. Since hooking up with this friend, she has become stronger and I have become weaker, thinking she must not love me anymore and want a divorce. My paranoia is so strong right now I find myself trying to protect my assets and question her constantly about her love for me.

However, you never imagined she would develop feelings at some point for one of these men you wanted her to fuck? You were unaware that feelings can develop in sexual relationships? Can, and quite often do?

She continues to say she loves me and would never leave me, and that I need to go out and do the same thing, to see that love isn't about possession, and that we can still love each other having others involved. I feel she has brought us into polyamory, but she wont talk about her other relationship and how I fit in. Is it because I am insecure and pushy? I am so confused and want to be strong and get rid this hurt.

Welcome to a place where you can learn to be strong. There is much information here about jealousy. You seem to be feeling that, along with envy. Do you feel you want to be present when she and her new bf date and have sex? Your fantasy is to be a voyeur and not a third wheel. Well, guess what? Your wife's body and life are her own. It's her choice to share her body and her heart with anyone she chooses. You got her started on this path with your fantasy, and now it's become different than what you imagined. Why not ride it out and see where it takes you, and her? Might be better than any run of the mill sex fantasy.

She learned to trust you. Now it's your turn to learn to trust her.