Well! I think some progress has been made on this thread. I also think the bickering about how to deliver information and opinions between Shrodingers and London should stop. It's distracting from the OP's issues. IMO.
I am in therapy and working on it.
Good! Keep it up. I would imagine practicing poly is difficult when you have baggage around sex and trust. Whether the baggage is from your childhood, from hanging out with a guy who was into meth, or whether it is from actual issues between you and your husband (your low libido, and what you called his "weakness," his people pleasing behaviors).
Unfortunately, I disagree with most of you.
It's cool you disagree. Sometimes when we are confronted with a new way of thinking or behaving, our first reaction is "NO! I would never do that." But when you see that approach working for many, you then think, "Well, I can see it works for them, so it's not completely invalid." And then one day you find yourself trying out the approach and finding it also works for you.
My husband and I live together and are raising a family. I feel totally within my rights to ASK him not to do certain behaviors that I think are unhealthy and make me feel emotionally threatened.
Several things in these statement hit me the wrong way. Yes, you can ask him not to do certain things. He has the right to disagree and refuse.
If you think something is so "unhealthy," ie: the sex parties which you envision as huge orgies where everyone is having sex with everyone else and everyone are relative untrustworthy strangers, you might want to think again. As someone said, sex parties do no imply a free for all. Some people are only watching and not fucking at all. Some couples are only fucking each other, and only getting off on watching others fuck. Some people might have some kind of sex with some of their friends. As you said, your h's gf has many friends at her parties.
I guess a few people might hook up with strangers. You could've asked your h if he planned to fuck strangers, or just watch, or just have sex with his gf while others watched them.
I don't like kink/sex parties much myself. I really dont get off on exhibitionism or voyeurism much. I find it all kind of tawdry. A few times since I've known my gf however, she has gone to kink/sex events with a another partner. I was nervous about her going, but I didn't pressure her to not go. And she told me she was too shy to do much in public, she just planned to watch. She did get hog tied, and an artistic cutting, but she didn't have sex with anyone. *shrug*
OK, going back to your post, you say: "[Certain behaviors or choices of my husband's] make me feel emotionally threatened."
NO ONE can MAKE someone feel anything. Your feelings are your own. Own them! A better way to put it is to say, "When my h does X, I feel Y." This empowers you and doesn't put your life, your feelings, your decisions how to act under the control of others' behaviors. You can feel what you want, no matter what your h or his gf do or say. Do you see how this empowers you and takes pressure off your h to resort to his "weak" people pleasing behaviors?
He has decided not to go to these parties with his gf. Did he really make this decision because he has really decided he doesn't like them, or did he make this decision because you pressured him, and he is "weak" and a people pleaser and afraid of losing you? What if tomorrow he decided to please his gf instead of you? Everyone here needs to take responsibility for their own choices and decisions.
You saw only behaviours that DIRECTLY affect me are viable to ask - everything else is controling. But this DOES EFFECT me. It makes me not want to be close to him and not want to have sex with him.
You could look at why your husband's sexual exploration has become something so threatening to you. Yes, you had childhood trauma. Yes, one person told you they went to a drug fueled orgy that turned bad. Don't try to make your h responsible for feelings you have about past experiences of your own. Take back the power! It will serve you well down the road of poly and relationships in general. Even with your kids. You seem to have weak boundaries. Every time you feel something, you think it's someone else's fault, and you also seem to want to dictate your kids' sexual behaviors down the road, imagining having to confess somehow that your h went to a sex party, but sex parties are bad, don't do it, kids, OK? (You know the minute you tell a kid not to do something, they are going to want to do it, right?
)
There are many behaviors we ask partners not to do - for example buy the 4$ cheese versus the 8$...is that controlling.
When you share finances, you do make agreements about spending money wisely. But sharing his body is your h's choice. It doesn't impact YOUR body unless you are overly bonded and think his body is yours. That you own him, in fact. This is something we deal with in poly. Autonomy. Independence. Fucking others. Occasionally sleeping apart. Interdependence instead of unhealthy co-dependency.
I am confused because on another post I saw many people who won'y allow their primary to date someone until the meet them. THAT stirkes me as much more controlling. COME on!
Yes, that is a bit controlling as well. Some people are really afraid when they first become poly. I think most more experienced polys don't need so much reassurance. Yes, it's nice to meet someone your partner is truly dating. But to have to have a partner inform you, "I am at a party and met someone attractive. May I kiss her?" is giving up personal power and autonomy. It implies ownership. Again, this is only healthy in a D/s relationship where one person gives up much power because it's a turn on for them. D/s makes concrete the struggles others sense only subliminally.
Cut me some slack. How many people on here agree that their partner can date whoever they want and ask for no boundaries. My boundaries seem A LOT less extreme. We are not required to "OK" someone. I didn't even meet husband's GF untl they had been dating 4-5 month. Husband rarely meets any of my dates and only met two long-term boyfriends once or twice.
I think part of my issue is that I really want to be fair and empathetic to the folks in my life and emotions often contradict that. I have to allow myself to feel the way I feel and not beat myself up.
Aha! Yes. Perhaps you had feelings of yours belittled or denied when you were a child. Now, give yourself permission to feel your feelings. Own them, validate them, name them, work through them on your own, in therapy, and in conversations with others.
Also, people here *and his girlfriend* do not ackowledge that sex parties are WAY WAY outside of the boundaries of average society.
So... sex parties seem too alternative to you. But they hold an attraction for your husband. Can you respect him enough to allow him to explore this or any other non-dangerous situation? Sure, you don't want him to do something dangerous and life-threatening, but if he's not in danger of actual physical harm, why are you so afraid? Because of fear he will like it too much and he will choose his gf and sex parties over you... Fear of loss for whatever reason is a common cause of jealousy in poly. Fear of being compared. Fear of being seen as "lesser than."
Most people in poly come to understand it's ok to have one's partner get certain needs met elsewhere. We find we don't have to be our partner's "everything." You feel the sex with the gf is kinkier, better, more fulfilling than with you... So, you tell dh, "Don't go do that sex thing with her!"
What is wrong with this scenario?
She wants sex parties to be a big part of her life (and yet another secret).
That is her choice. You're not dating her, you don't need to judge her. You can question why your h is attracted to her, and learn more about your h. It is always good to learn more about your mate.
Husband says he doesn't want to go to them because he has erection issues and feels insecure.
Oh! Well. So, he's still curious about the sex parties, but feels shy and feels a need to have a hard-on at the sex party? Thinks he wouldn't get hard watching others have sex?
She sees most of her friends at these sex parties and my husband is her FIRST real relationship - she is in her 40s. I am not trying to be judgemental - rather explain how we are so very difference. My habit would be to go to a friends and talk for two hours about childrearing or rape ot whatever. GF relates to people through sex parties and has numberous friends that she rarely sees outside of that...I just can't view this as healthy.
I am writing this because she isn't going a way and I feel I have to relate to someone whose lifestyle I don't relate to at all.
You don't need to "relate" to her. You're not dating her and you don't have to be her friend. Sit back and watch your h's relationship with her unfold and learn something about HIM from it.
