I'm not sure if the two OPs are the same person. Very similar, definitely, but it is possible two separate people have experienced something similar. I await confirmation, or denial.
Anyway, this reply is going to wander a bit.
@bofish, I could tell you about the sex parties I've been to. If you want, you can read about my experiences on my blog. (TL
R - it was a 'meh' experience and I haven't felt the need to go again.) But, telling you about my experiences, or declaim that 'those people who go to sex parties' are just like you - but just go to sex parties too - is not going to help. All of your experiences and feelings are screaming at you otherwise. And you've had some shitty things happen to you and to friends. Like others, I encourage you to revisit these experiences and emotions. They are such strong triggers for you so something powerful is going on for you there. Therapy is probably the best way to do this but there are other ways. And I'm not telling you to 'get over your sexual hangups' or get sex-positive or whatever. You are not broken. But I suggest to you what I've learned (painfully). What is not faced controls us. Unfortunately, merely acknowledging triggers is often not enough to fully understand and resolve an issue.
@Magdlyn, Whip considers himself a swinger. He enjoys sex parties - he's an exhibitionist and a voyeur. He is also heteroflexible/bisexual. (He hasn't settled on a label for this part of his sexuality and may never so I am using these terms broadly. Basically he is happy to scene with men, and to have sexual contact with other men. We're both kinky.) In our local BDSM scene, there's been lots of discussion and unhappiness about the fact there are plenty of naked women at parties but none or few naked men. And unhappiness about the lack of male-male scening or sexual contact at local parties. So Whip decided he was going to get naked at parties where it was appropriate. He had some male-male hot tub hotness. After this, the light bulb went on for many men who felt similarly. They realized it was ok and safe for them to strip if they wanted to, to have male-male sexual interactions if they wanted to, and to scene with men if they wanted to. So, in part because of Whip's actions, there are more naked men at local parties, there are more places where it is ok to be bi/questioning/open/appropriate label here man and act on those desires in the local scene. It's not perfect. There is definitely still more of bias towards female nakedness, it's not a totally accepting environment of queerness. Too often women are presumed to be subs, men are doms, and switches don't exist. But Whip helped move the bar some. It definitely helped open up what was possible in the minds of many. And Whip's swingerness is part of the story. I don't know if he would have taken the same actions without that part of his identity. Swingers are used to thinking of sex as part of a community (if only in the club) in ways that can be positive and healthy.
Yes, historically swinging has been homophobic. But the culture of swinging is changing, if slowly. It is becoming less homophobic, more accepting of emotional ties. Poly Weekly did an interesting show on 'progressive swinging' which is basically swinging that doesn't freak out if two couples who swing together get emotionally attached to each other, that accepts that communities of swingers with deep connections to each other exist.
As for women who felt pressured to swing by their husbands, well that is not a problem with swinging. It's a problem of male entitlement and women hiding their truth (perhaps with good reason). Coercion violates consent and is never acceptable. It is never ok to pressure someone for something they don't want. And the person getting pressured needs to say 'stop that shit' (assuming this is not abusive and they feel unsafe).
You have every right not to be into people who swing. But your ideas of swinging, and swingers, may be limiting.
@NorwegianPoly - or at least I think you were the one who commented about this, it's interesting to me how BDSM communities differ. My local community is one where sexual activity is commonplace, where sex and kink are not particularly separate. For me personally, they are strongly intertwined. In fact, people in my community who do separate kink and sex - which is also totally legitimate - are unhappy with the public play spaces available because sex is so ever present. I have difficulty thinking of BDSM parties as sex free because that has not been my experience. Interesting!
