Confident Persona After Being Insecure; is it Possible?

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Vexxed

New member
Hello, lovely poly people!

I posted a thread here 6 weeks ago about comparing myself to one of my metamours. Fortunately, I've began to like myself more since then, so I no longer feel inferior to him.

Monday morning, I admitted that I was feeling very insecure, because I thought that I said things that made me sound needy or desperate. I had only admitted insecurity "outright" once before, about 2 months prior. I was confident the first month of our relationship, down the second, slightly better the 3rd, still better the 4th, then I crumbled under feelings of insecurity this week.

Four weeks ago, I finally started building up and developing a confident persona. I feel that I'm late on doing so, being five months into the relationship, but it did seem to be working. :) She seemed to be even more into me, and she was having more fun, too!

Since admitting being insecure this Monday, I've been so paranoid that I killed the NRE that was flowing between us. I've worried that she now has less respect for me, or will desire me less.

If I remain stable and act confidently, will she ever view me as a confident and assertive male? Is it possible?
 
Vexxed said:
If I remain stable and act confidently, will she ever view me as a confident and assertive male? Is it possible?
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If you remain stable, AND you are a good enough actor, then I would have to say that yes, it is possible that one day she may view you as a confident and assertive male.

But that's a BIG "if", and an even bigger "and".
 
I firmly believe that people have the capacity to grow and improve themselves.

I would politely suggest that you are asking the wrong question - you are basing your success on whether you are secure on what someone else thinks about you. That isn't a secure question.

Come to terms with yourself. Celebrate your strengths, recognise and come to terms with your weaknesses. Other people will think what they think. Remember that people see you filtered through their own life paradigms and can most definitely provide a very slanted view (like looking at yourself in one of those fairground mirrors).

Will people think more of you if you are secure in yourself? Usually yes. But you need to be doing it for yourself, not in order to make someone else like you more...

So work on being comfortable in your own skin.... for yourself.
 
You know, feeling insecure is quite natural and normal. They are feelings everyone deals with, even outside of romantic relationships.

The problem here, in my opinion, is not your feelings. You probably have good reasons for feeling the way you do. The problem (again, in my opinion) is what you're doing with your feelings. Rather than confronting them and dealing with them, you seem to be more focused on changing the way you lover perceives you.

I agree with Ciel; this is about you! You would feel insecure with or without her. So relax, and work on coping with your feelings for your sake, not anyone else's.
 
EdibleStrange said:
The problem here, in my opinion, is not your feelings. You probably have good reasons for feeling the way you do. The problem (again, in my opinion) is what you're doing with your feelings. Rather than confronting them and dealing with them, you seem to be more focused on changing the way you lover percieves you.
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You are right. I am very concerned with how she sees me.

Should I lay it all out and have another talk with her?

Update: She just came over. Her other boyfriend and I are roommates, as I've mentioned before.

I was able to have a 10-minute talk with her. I opened up. We have a date tomorrow, and we are planning to talk much more then.
 
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Vexxed said:
I feel like having insecurity can disqualify a secondary partner, which is what I am. If I were her primary, I'd feel differently.
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Well, by that standard, nobody can be a secondary. Like I said, everyone feels insecure sometimes. It's a natural and normal feeling. I feel like sometimes the poly community puts a lot of pressure on us to ignore/repress/forget about our natural human emotions, rather than confronting them and dealing with them on a daily basis. It is 100% okay to feel the way you feel.

Now, on to what to DO about how you feel.

Ask yourself where your insecurity is coming from. Is it coming from her? Is she doing things and saying things that are causing you pain? If so, you need to talk to her about her actions and your emotional response to them. Things may be at an impasse, if this is the case. She may be unwilling/unable to change her behavior, and you may be unwilling/unable to deal with how her behavior makes you feel. And there's nothing wrong with that.

Is it coming from inside yourself? (This is most likely.) Would you STILL be feeling insecure about yourself even if she weren't in your life? Even if the pair of you were monogamous?

From here, it gets more complicated, and I can't be as much of a guide, because I'm not a therapist, and I can only root out so much for you. If you believe your insecurity is coming from inside yourself, by all means, have a second talk with her, but don't expect her to be your therapist, either. She is your lover, not your doctor, and you aren't with her to uncover the depths of your psyche.

You are with her because you love her, and she makes you happy. So, love her, and be happy.
 
She doesn't do anything to make me feel insecure.

It is from within me. If she and I were monogamous, I would have had the same insecurities.

She actually has a PhD in psychology. Nevertheless, she isn't my therapist. She is my lover.

I have resolved the specific insecurities that troubled me a month ago. Now, I'm insecure about having not been confident to begin with. That is what worries me. Since then, I've tried acting confident around her, but slipped while doing so, because I was critiquing my every move.
 
It is a long road, for sure, but one we have all traveled at one time or another.

When you move and act like you are a secure person you will eventually start to believe it yourself. Once you start believing it you will no longer have to 'act' secure because you will believe that you are.

Getting those insecurities out into the light of day so they can be dealt with is a huge step. It means we are facing down our demons and relegating them to the outer reaches of space.
 
Hi Vexxed,

It is totally possible to become a secure person after being insecure. I did it. But it is very hard to change your personality, and you will backslide from time to time.

There is some truth in 'fake it until you make it.' If you present yourself as a friendly outgoing person, eventually people will believe you. And then it is a lot easier to be one.

This link is to a post where I talked about How I changed my personality

Warm regards,
Rick
 
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I agree with most of what's been written. I also was more insecure in the past, with a poor self image.

It's quite hard to change a deeply-held self image, and my subconscious resists that change a lot. For me, that's where "backsliding" comes from: my subconscious whispers, "...but remember, really you are not a lovable, sexually-desirable man... really you're not... you're just fooling yourself when you believe she likes and wants you..."

But yeah, over time, I have mostly defeated that nasty little goblin. (I wish I knew how he got started, but that's a job for psychotherapy.) There were a few things I had to tell myself to do:

1. Interact with other people in ways that affirm your self-worth. Don't be competitive and try to one-up people to bolster your ego; instead, ask them about themselves, draw them out, be a good friend and a considerate listener. When I do that I get welcoming smiles, warmth, and body-language that tells my emotional self that I'm a good guy, despite whatever the goblin whispers.

2. Take care of yourself. You're worth enough to get some exercise and relaxation, to dress in clothes that make you feel good, to walk with your head up and back straight, to say what you want without apologizing. Like Rick writes, there's something of the "act like you're secure and after awhile you will BE secure" about this.

3. Talk to people about it. Almost every time I say, "You know, I used to be terribly insecure, and I still feel that way sometimes," someone else says, "Oh, God, me too!" That really helps. It's not just a dark little personal secret. Almost everyone has some of it.

I'm not convinced that cocky, take-charge assertiveness is what women (or other people) want as a dominant trait. Women have told me that a little shyness is charming, that honesty and transparency are appealing, and that "You can't go wrong by being gentle." But maybe that's just reflective of the kind of women I like. I dunno.

How about it, women? What percent mix of assertive, confident, shy, and gentle do you like in a guy?
 
Backsliding

Wow, "backsliding" is a wonderful word to use to explain what has been happening to me. I was confident for short periods of time, and then I would slip.

Another update: we had a wonderful date last night. I was able to remain confident throughout. I even phrased things the way a confident person would do. I remained balanced.

Also, I feel reassured that our relationship has not been crippled due to my recent bouts of insecurity. She asked me questions about my past. That made me feel as though she understood me, and that she cares.
 
Maybe I'm just reading this wrong, but it still sounds to me like the only reason you are doing this is to improve your relationship with her.

What happened to doing it for yourself?

Sorry if I am out of line with this, but trying to be secure just to keep a relationship going is a very very dangerous thing to do when it's not built on a secure foundation.
 
Since you are so focused on "confidence" right now, this is what I would suggest. Think about your entire life: physical, mental, emotional, spiritual, career, home environment, financial status, social life, and any other area which comes to mind that is important to you. Now, do you feel confident in any of these areas? If so, then focus on that confidence and keep that strength in mind. If not, what can you do to foster confidence in each of the areas where this isn't any confidence currently?

I think we often project too much of our self worth onto the people we are in relationship with. Be confident in yourself in general, or figure out how to develop that for yourself.
 
EugenePoet said:
I'm not convinced that cocky, take-charge assertiveness is what women (or other people) want as a dominant trait. Women have told me that a little shyness is charming, that honesty and transparency are appealing, and that "you can't go wrong by being gentle". But maybe that's just reflective of the kind of women I like, I dunno.

How about it, women? What percent mix of assertive, confident, shy, and gentle do you like in a guy?
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I like a guy that I feel safe with when walking on a city street late at night, because he has the protective instinct and is aware of things going on around us. I've often seen evidence that my guy will spring into action when a threat is present.

But when we are relaxed and safe at home, I occasionally want to see his vulnerable side. That is a major turn-on for me!
 
I agree with GroundedSpirit: pretending to be confident will not get you far. Find something you are good at and focus on that. That helps build confidence.
 
CielDuMatin said:
Maybe I'm just reading this wrong, but it still sounds to me like the only reason you are doing this is to improve your relationship with her. What happened to doing it for yourself? Sorry if I am out of line with this, but trying to be secure just to keep a relationship going is a very very dangerous thing to do when it's not built on a secure foundation.
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I am working on becoming confident for myself also. I'm just so relieved that I didn't phrase things like a needy guy might phrase things.

Two days have passed, and I'm still feeling good. I'm relieved.
 
I'm glad that things are going well, in your eyes, Vexxed.

I wonder what she would say if she noticed that you weren't confident? I am a very perceptive person, and tend to be able to read right through someone's "faking it til they make it" way of being. I wonder if she does? It doesn't sound like it. You say she seems to have a good time.

Hmm... If it were me you were dating, eventually I would have to confront you with this and ask you about the way you are acting. I think I would be very disappointed that I don't know the real you, lack of confidence and all, and would feel lied to. I tend to prefer people who are honest about where they are at, even if they are whiny and needy. I would prefer to address that than have them avoid it. Usually someone is whiny and needy because they are not getting their needs met after all, and I would struggle to be with anyone that I think isn't talking to me openly about their needs, and mine.

You are an interesting person, Vexxed. I am thoroughly confused and interested by the situation you are in. To me, it seems she is either using you for some reason, or she hasn't noticed you enough (perhaps because she has so many other lovers?) to engage you in any kind of depth? Or maybe it doesn't really matter to her? Or maybe she thinks that the facade you sometimes put on is real? Very interesting...

Thanks for sharing with us. I can imagine that it would be very frustrating and difficult to deal with all you seem to deal with. I think I would've moved on by now to someone I could be closer to, with whom I could share myself completely. You said in another thread that you were well noticed by the poly women you know. What happened to all of them? She must be some kind of wonderful woman.
 
I think Vexxed's gf knows he feels insecure. He mentioned that he shared that with her.

I imagine the situation a little differently than you, RP. I imagine that she knows about his feelings. She's psychologically aware. (She's got a PhD in the subject.) She's on Vexxed's side and involved in helping him grow, like he says, not as a therapist, but as a lover. That's really good.

I hope I'm not mistaken in my assumptions, Vexxed. But if she really is encouraging and helping your personal growth, treasure the relationship.
 
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