child custody and poly

JadeDoor

JadeDoor

New member
Some of you may have read about my husband shoving me into a bookcase a few weeks ago. I've since gotten a restraining order and am getting divorced. My husband and his ex-wife are master manipulators of the system. We already had DCF involved today and somehow it did not go how I expected. I'm worried that even though my husband is currently with his gf he met while we were poly, he will say he is now settled and no longer poly, but that I am. How will this affect me with custody of my four-year old son?
 
Child in poly relationship, DCF

Just a guess, with all the alternative relationships, the DCF is only going to look at whether the child is safe and secure. One of my acquaintances works for the local CPS (DCF), he tells me that they don't look at all the crazy things they used to worry about, but rather the safety of the child is paramount. Lots of poly folks worry about having their children taken away because of their relationships, but unless the child is in danger, you have nothing to worry about.

Hugs
 
You should research your state's laws on child custody issues. I know in my state, custody technically will go to the parent who is not or has not committed adultery. I'm in Northern Idaho, and it's very conservative here, and very old fashioned in state laws, even though the amazingly liberal WA State is right next door.

No matter what any of us say here, it's up to you to verify exactly what you are up against. I do think if he tries to use polyamory against you it's going to backfire since he's "leaving you" for the "other woman." He'd actually need to prove you are unfit - dirty house, dishes never cleaned, piles and piles of grossness, drug use, abuse of the kids. That's what will help him get 100% custody.
 
You definitely need to speak to a lawyer and research laws for where you live.

A friend in Washington spent 2 years in a nasty custody battle where there was no abuse. But the state removed her rights "temporarily" to "assess the risk." That lasted a year, by which time there was a case for "maintaining him [her son] in his current living situation." Meaning she got visitation only, in a dynamic where there was no abuse, just that the poly gf and dh decided to settle down together and end being poly. They got her parents to testify against her strictly due to her being bi and poly.

The risk is there.

Where I live, in Alaska, if there is any history of abuse (spousal or child) the abuser can't get custody.

Each state is very different.
 
I'd also be concerned about the whole dating your kid's uncle thing. For your husband, it will look like he was in a rough marriage, tried to do this crazy poly thing to salvage it but ultimately settled down into a normal relationship. You, however, still want to do the crazy poly thing and started dating your husband's brother which could be argued displays several negative traits about your views on family.

Not saying they are my personal views, but it is what I would say if I were your husband or his legal team.
 
Where I live, in Alaska, if there is any history of abuse (spousal or child) the abuser can't get custody.
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I disagree with spousal abuse meaning you can't be a decent parent. For one, what if the abuse was 2 way? Neither parent gets custody?
 
I have dealt with Child Protective Services, and it's not just about the child being safe. When I dealt with them, in a situation much like yours, but monogamous, I was literally bullied. They kept hounding me about things. When they were at my house, my daughter brought me a toy with a frayed ribbon. I used scissors to cut it and handed it back. They wrote in their report about how I was shaking and brandishing scissors while upset. Well, I was upset-- they were bullying me! But I cut a freaking ribbon to stop it from fraying!

You can't just assume that everyone is going to do their job, or do their best. Knowing you are innocent is not enough anymore. Protect yourself, and if that means you may have to take a break from relationships, hopefully they will understand.
 
None of our personal stuff came up in the divorce. We filed and had written a parenting plan. We were seeking to have 50/50 custody. I guess the only way it would have gotten dirty is if I had tried to get full custody and he would have needed to prove why I was unfit.

I do not tell my ex about my personal life, nor does he ask. As far as I'm aware, he doesn't know or care about me continuing to be poly. I do not advertise to him that I am.
 
Vixtoria said:
I have dealt with Child Protective Services, and it's not just about the child being safe. When I dealt with them, in a situation much like yours but monogamous, I was literally bullied. They kept hounding me about things and when they were ay my house, and my daughter brought me a toy with a frayed ribbon, I used scissors to cut it and handed it back. They wrote in their report about how I was shaking and brandishing scissors while upset. Well, I was upset, they were bullying me! But I cut a freaking ribbon to stop it from fraying! You can't just assume that everyone is going to do their job, or do their best. Knowing you are innocent is not enough anymore. Protect yourself, and if that means you may have to take a break from relationships, hopefully they will understand.
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Agree 100%. Assume nothing! Evil-minded exes will use anything against you, and your child will suffer. End the relationships you have for now, at least. No relationship is ever worth losing your child over, even if you are in the throes of NRE.

Please.
 
I'm not dating anyone right now. I'm taking time to worry about my son and figure things out. If I move out of the house I will most likely get a place with a few of my current roommates. One of them is my BIL but not in a dating situation.

DCF already knows this and has said that's not an issue. As for court proceedings, my husband is a master manipulator. I am concerned about what lies he and his ex might tell.

I am still reeling from realizing I never truly knew who he was.
 
My suggestion as a lawyer is for you to hire a lawyer who has familiarity or at least curiosity about polyamory. Then I would suggest hiring an expert witness on child psychology who is willing to learn about polyamory. I understand that there are studies out there that prove children in polyamorous families are as stable as children in traditional nuclear families. When there are unique issues like this, the best hope is to educate the judge. However, if you are in a conservative area, or draw a conservative judge, you may be fighting an uphill battle. At least, if you put on this type of expert, you will have a good record to fight with on appeal.
 
My advice for anything having to do with legalities is this:

Hire the best lawyer you can cannot quite afford.

At the end of the day, no matter what the laws really are and are supposed to be, the truth is this: the guy with the better lawyer wins. Law is all subjective, and what you want is someone with a lot of experience arguing whatever it is you want to claim.

If you were thrown into a bookcase, a good lawyer will make sure that anything your ex could bring up about your personal life will be less than irrelevant.
 
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"At the end of the day, no matter what the laws really are and are supposed to be, the truth is this: The guy with the better lawyer wins. Law is all subjective, and what you want is someone with a lot of experience arguing whatever it is you want to claim."
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QFT!
 
Depending on the state, a restraining order confers full physical and legal rights of the children to the person who holds the order, in this case you. However, the other parent still has access rights. Check your restraining order paperwork.
 
There are some links to possible resources for you in this thread:

Legal links?

Also, there is an attorney in New York named Diana Adams who is polyamorous, and an advocate for non-traditional and poly families. Maybe you can contact her for a reference to a poly-friendly attorney near you: [email protected] (more information about her can be found at DianaAdamsLaw.net and FeministOutlaw.com).

All the best to you as you go through this. I would hope that his act of physically assaulting you will count against him in this process.
 
Atlantis said:
Depending on the state, a restraining order confers full physical and legal rights of the children to the person who holds the order, in this case you. However, the other parent still has access rights. Check your restraining order paperwork.
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You are right. This works for right now. But in the divorce he may fight for custody.
 
nycindie said:
There are some links to possible resources for you in this thread:

Legal links?

Also, there is an attorney in New York named Diana Adams who is poly, and an advocate for non-traditional and poly families. Maybe you can contact her for a reference of a poly-friendly attorney near you: [email protected] (more information about her can be found at DianaAdamsLaw.net and FeministOutlaw.com).

All the best to you as you go through this. I would hope that his act of physically assaulting you will count against him in this process.
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Thank you.
 
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