Missing: Warm Fuzzies. Reward if Found.

See I took it like she tried to set a boundary. If she hadnt set that boundary he could very well have just taken his gf without even discussing it firat.
 
Maybe so. But then we are back to debating how reasonable it was for her to set that boundary when it's about him and his family. I completely get that him bringing his girlfriend might be horrendously awkward for the OP and I'll even admit that I'd be very anxious if my husband was going to out us to his family and I wasn't ready, but it's still his family and his choice.
 
They've been married for two decades; I'm sure she thinks of them (and they think of her) as her/their family as well, as evidenced by her use of the term "our grandmother".

There's the issue of compassion on the hubby's side here, as well. I realize he's dealing with his own stress, but that shouldn't forego compassion for his wife during this time as well.
 
Maybe not, and if he was here, I'd tell him to do what he needs to do but remember that choices have consequences. I think the OP should state how she feels about it but support him anyway. I don't think.forbidding him from doing what he needs to do in the moment is reasonable. He can decide whether he wants to take his girlfriend more than he wants to avoid upsetting his wife.
 
Here is her intro (edited):

I never "clicked" with any of his special friends.

However, all that changed when I met "CG", a girl my husband went to high school with! Ten years prior to our meeting, my husband (I'll call him R) went back "home" to see his family and had asked "CG" out to dinner but she declined. Fast forward to the present and "CG" came back into R's life.

... We fell into a relationship with "CG" effortlessly. Although "CG" and I are not sexually involved with each other and we each take turns having separate sexual experiences with R, I love her deeply and feel we are all three romantically involved and we are all three invested in building a future together with hopes of all of us living together under one roof someday.

Our relationship with "CG" is still new (We've all been involved since around Aug./September) but all three of us have experienced nothing but happiness and bliss since we've been together. Unfortunately, she lives out of state so we don't get to see and be withe her every day right now but we pay for her to come visit us and we are trying to make sure R gets to visit her for a few days once a month. I will see her when we go up for our regularly scheduled annual family vacation or when she comes back visit us.

I am not sure if it is true love for all three of us or if we are all in a honeymoon phase but we all gel perfectly. "CG" or I might feel sad when R is spending time with one of us and not the other but only because we can't be with them (we all encourage alone time with R as well as group time) but we don't keep score, we don't compare, we aren't jealous nor do we have any negative feelings at all about or toward each other. R is amazing at loving us both and making us both feel like the most important women in his life and he embraces our differences and tells us it enhances his love for both of us.

It makes me genuinely content and happy for R and "CG" to spend time alone together just doing ordinary things and I also experience great joy in knowing they passionately enjoy each other sexually too. I don't wonder if she is better than me or if she kisses better or if she makes him feel better because I know with all my heart and soul that "our boy" R does not compare us like that. He delights in being with our "CG" but he equally delights in being with me and he simply and purely enjoys the different experiences - one not being any better than the other just different. He especially delights in the love and the friendship that "CG" and I have with each other and he is in heaven when he gets to spend time with both of us together whether we are all going to a movie, out to dinner or just having a pajama picnic in bed!

I am not sure if we all feel so fantastic and perfect about the three of us because we are in the "honeymoon" stage or if it will be like this forever but it sure as hell feels like it's forever. I couldn't ever imagine NOT feeling like this about R and our "CG". They both make me so happy and I don't want to imagine life without what the three of us have.

R is getting ready to make a trip to spend some time with "CG" and I am just as excited for his trip and for "CG" to see him as they are! I'm already washing and pressing his clothes and getting his suitcase ready for his trip. I'm going to miss him while he is gone and I'm going to miss being together with R and "CG" and it makes me sad but the over all positive, amazing feelings they each give me outweighs their absence for a few days.
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What a difference a few days make! I see that R knew CG when they were kids, and she lives in his hometown, so maybe it's not so strange that he wants her to come visit his grandmother and estranged mother with him?
 
No, it doesn't. It makes it his family who she has built a significant bond with. Significant enough for her to feel that those people are a part of her family too. She isn't "more family" than him, the only reason why she's in the family at all is because he married her. If he married someone else, it would be them, if he married someome else in the future, they'd make that bond with them.

Married couples are two individuals. Marriage doesn't mean you now own their family and have a say in how they interact with their family.
 
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london said:
Married couples are two individuals. Marriage doesn't mean you now own their family and have a say in how they interact with their family.
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"Have a say?" Sure you have a say. You're often asked for your opinion on your spouse's interactions with their family. His "coming out as poly" to his estranged dying mom, and very elderly grandmother affects the OP. In effect, he is outing her as well. And outing his new gf. Whether this seems wise should be something of a joint decision, I'd think.
 
Magdlyn said:
"Have a say?" Sure you have a say. You're often asked for your opinion on your spouse's interactions with their family. His "coming out as poly" to his estranged dying mom, and very elderly grandmother affects the OP. In effect, he is outing her as well. And outing his new gf. Whether this seems wise should be something of a joint decision, I'd think.
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We can play this game all day, london!
 
The OP's husband coming out as poly to his family will absolutely affect her too, and therefore she should have input into the decision.

I have a former partner in a long-term marriage who came out as poly pretty freely to his relatives and his wife's relatives, whom he regarded as his family too. He didn't want to hide who he was once he had figured himself out, and at the time I thought it was great. However, his wife had to deal with a lot of well-meaning people offering her sympathy and misguided marital advice. Most of them saw what was going on as a cheating situation and saw her as a victim. I know she was hugely embarrassed about it, and not really equipped, emotionally, to deal with the situation at all.

I think that if the OP doesn't want her husband taking long vacations with another partner and leaving her with the kids to take care of, she should say so. I don't think that limiting time away from home with other partners to, say, just a weekend here or there, is an unreasonable boundary. I self-limit myself that way and always have, I do not spend weeks away from my husband and kids, period, even though I'm in a LDR and it would be very nice to have more time with him.

OP, I am also wondering, just why do you live somewhere your husband hates? Is there a family business there? Is there no possibility of living nearer his family in the future?
 
It will affect her and it would be in his interests to consider that if he wants his marriage to be okay, however, it is ultimately his decision how he chooses to interact with his family. The OP doesn't have the right to tell him what he can and can't disclose to them. She could forbid him to come out to her parents but not his own.

As for the week long vacation, I think as well as seeing his girlfriend, he Is spending time with his family who are local to her.
 
At no point in life do we ever have control over the judgments, misguided or otherwise, people may make about anything. Using what others might think as a way of limiting someone in your life is narcissistic and futile.
We also cannot place full responsibility on our partners for the way others choose to treat us once they've made their silly, cruel, whatever type of judgments.

Being afraid of these possibilities is understandable and the OP should be able to be heard and comforted and assured. It doesn't mean living like it will be the end of the world and thinking everyone should behave covert to avoid the possibility of other people being shitty. Shitty people will find reason to be shitty no matter what.

What can be done is asking for support with any people who might make these type of judgments and a show of intolerance for poor treatment. Maybe the OP doesn't think her husband will make these boundaries clear or have her back should one of their family members use his coming out as a way to act out towards the OP?
 
Hi everyone! I wanted to thank you all for your input. There are a lot of different trains of thought on the situation and a lot of valid points to consider. I was having a rough day when I posted! R and CG were at work and I felt like I was all alone in a life boat in the middle of the ocean.

When R and CG both came home they were so amazingly loving and talked me off "the ledge". They were incredibly supportive and they listened to my fears and concerns and helped me process what I am feeling.

In my haste to seek advice, I'm afraid I might have left a lot of background information . I used to be so eloquent with my words and concise with expressing my thoughts but it seems I've lost that ability lately!

First, CG and I are just as connected as CG and R. I love that woman dearly and I know she love me. We even consider ourselves best friends. We have a special name for our friendship but I would be afraid the name we have might make us recognizable so I will forego using it. The only difference is CG and I are not sexually involved. Other than that little nuance in our relationship, we love each other and want the best for each other and we all three are working towards and dreaming about the same goals. When it comes to CG and I, R doesn't live two separate lives. The relationship that he has with both of us is incredibly intertwined. R nor I can go a day without talking to CG and she can't go a day without talking to both of us.

We all three have determined that my fears are steaming from the complication of the trip not our relationships. Initially, we had all planned this trip for R and CG as just a fun get away for the two of them. Why was I involved in planning the trip? Because that is my job within my household and always has been. R asked me to handle the plane tickets, reservations, accomodations, etc. and because CG and I talk every single day I was able to give all of this to her as well so she has an itinerary. In essence, I am R and CG's personal secretary at times but I don't mind!

However, I digress. The trip was meant to be "alone" time for R and CG. In the interrum, R and his mother had a reconnection of sorts. His brother told him that she was dying of cancer and that he might want to see her. After not talking for most of their adult lives (She was physically and emotionally abusive and gave all her children up to state child services at one time or another until they were all gone. R was lucky enough to be taken and raised by his loving paternal grandparents.). I didn't want CG to go with him for the reason that Magdlyn stated. With everything that is involved in the relationship between my mother-in-law and myself, I do feel that introducting another element (CG) would further damage the peace that she and I need to make.

R and I have an extremely close relationship with each other and have only decided to embark on a polyamorous relationship with CG because we all three mesh and gel so well. I am the one that suggested it to R. R has stated to both CG and myself that he is not interested in a relationship with another woman that isn't an integral part of both of our lives. After talking, R and I decided we thought it would be best for both of us to be present when we started introducing our relationship with CG for the very reason YouAreHere stated (btw: you REALLY get everything I'm feeling YouAreHere): we want all of our family to know that we all three are involved in this decision to be polyamorous. We want the family to know that we all support each other and we are all vested. We don't want any of our family to think R isn't in love with me or think I or CG for that matter, are victims in any of this. After we are able to make as healthy of introductions as we can I really couldn't care less about R going to any family functions with CG. R, CG and I all agree that we would like to minimize the negative that might come out of this situation and let everyone know that there is no trouble between R and I but that we've only added additional love to our lives.

And for the record, my husband's family IS my family and my family IS his family. Period. I'm glad you agree Inyourendo.

I also don't have a problem admitting when I'm wrong. London, you are correct in so much as R never mentioned taking CG. I just assumed the worst and did not articulate myself well to R which, in turn, made him feel as if I was trying to be controlling. That was NOT what I was trying to do.

The moral of the story is R, CG and I worked it out. They have such a beautiful way of making me feel loved and at peace and I appreciate all the input. It gives me a lot to think about in terms of learning to be o.k. with me so I don't affect what R, CG and I have going on. Ultimately, CG and I want to give R all the love and support we can give him in our journey through life. I would never not want CG to be there to support and comfort R if he needed that.
 
Totally cool. :)
I had that type of closeness with Maca's girlfriend before she moved away. Neither of them can handle a long distance relationship, so they broke up. But I escorted her kiddo to their new home (she had to start a new job before the little one finished out the school year).

It's ok to have uneloquent and emotional moments. :)
It's wonderful though that they were both willing and able to talk things through with you and resolve the emotions. :)

I totally hear you about family. I refer to my father in law as dad. He IS dad to me. I don't think of him as "maca's dad" I think of him as dad. Likewise, GG calls him dad too, same feeling. We ALL consider him OUR family. Not Maca's family. And we are that way with my mom and stepdad too. She's "the good mom" and everyone claims her. :)
 
I didn't offer any comment earlier as I had had no personal experience with your dilemma. That said I love the description of your relationship with R and CG. I spent a couple if decades in a situation much like you are describing - a sexual vee, but an emotional triad. We lived together. It only ended when our hinge passed away.

I offer my story, because I want you to know that with the right people and skills - which it sounds like you've got - it can be a very rewarding, über secure configuration.
 
Magdlyn said:
Cindie, I guess I disagree somewhat. I think I'd feel bad if miss pixi and I always went to, say, the same restaurant on my birthday, or our anniversary, and then she got another lover and started going to "our" restaurant for new lover's birthday, or their anniversary... Maybe I am more sentimental than you.
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I understand that. I do tend not to be very sentimental over a lot of things that many folks are. But I am not saying treasuring something that we do with a partner and looking at it as special is wrong. I am not saying that the OP should not view those activities as special. There is nothing wrong, per se, with sentimentality.

What I am saying is that the significance those things hold for her are simply due to the fact that she chooses to see it that way, and sometimes sentimentality can get in our own way. We let ourselves get attached to the sentimentality of a thing, and doing so can cloud our perceptions of what is going on. It can take us out of the present moment to be focused on an outcome ("But that's our place, our ritual!" etc) when perhaps the best thing to do is let go of that attachment in order to more clearly see what a partner needs, or what the situation is actually all about, rather than viewing is as a personal affront.

I always think it is valuable to question the things we think are important, figure out why, and ask ourselves if it still serves us to hold on to those ideas we have about what matters, not because I think we need to toss those things away, but because self-awareness helps us diffuse some of the upset we can feel if we are just looking at the surface and letting ourselves get wrapped up in those things we've claimed as belonging to us (in other words, our attachments).


EDIT:
I posted this before I read TroisForte's response to everyone. Just want to say I am glad to hear it all worked out, and now the picture is much clearer. Communication wins every time!
 
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Great news!

So glad to hear this worked out!

I was wondering, what happened to the post that CD mentioned in her intro? That intro is how I found this thread in the first place.
http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=68424

happytovee said:
...
I'm CG.
And wondering how long til i'll see my post in Warm Fuzzies Lost: Reward if Found thread? Think it's in poly corner?
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FAL

--------------------------------

M - Me female, 59 - _trying_ to figure out if I'm poly
B - 56 - my husband for over 34 years
JP - 58 - my high school boyfriend, newly appeared in the picture after 38 years; very long distance; haven't actually seen him
A - 65? - JP's wife of over 30 years, who's not cool with things
 
CG here! Bummed my original post got lost. To confirm/clarify... yes, TF and I have become dear friends (hi sweetheart!) R is coming to visit for 3 days. I never expected or hoped to meet his mom or gramma during this trip though I absolutely support him in seeing them if he wants to. Someone mentioned hierarchy - TF is amazing at NOT pulling rank on me. I do believe she considers us equal though I don't feel I've earned that yet. And I am very sentimental myself so would never step on her feelings by inserting myself into her spot in their special and longstanding rituals. Overall this relationship has been really positive and easy. We certainly have our bumps in the road but they are resolved with love and honest communication. R is an amazing man with so much love and forgiveness for everyone in his life. <3
 
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