Coping mechanisms?

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vanquish

New member
So yesterday, my SO and I had a phenomenal day. Followed by a great night. Followed by amazing sex in the morning and a day of hanging out and having fun. I knew she had a date tonight and I thought I was mentally prepared. I even helped her get ready and she snagged one of the bottles of wine I bought for our party last night (I bought 6 or 7) to take with her over to his place...and I didn't sweat about it. (Thought, but didn't sweat.) Before she left she did an amazing job of making sure she cuddled me, and loved on me, and was extra sweet to make me feel better. But for some reason I'm freaking out.

She's been on dates where she's left from my house and gone out overnight. Dates that she's had sex on. With several different guys. But for some reason I'm freaking out.

Indications are she's not going to have sex for multiple reasons. One she usually waits until the 4th date at least (Though she didn't with me). There are also *cough* medical reasons why she probably wouldn't. But hey, wine and movies and touchy-touch goes in different places.

It's not even the idea of sex, it's just I want her here with me.

I'm learning several things about myself.

  1. I'm terrible at being alone.
  2. I've forgotten how to have fun on my own. As in "what fun stuff do I like to do?"
  3. I guess I'd have to admit that I base my entertainment on her. As in she's the source.
  4. I dwell too much and get in stupid thought patterns.

My birthday is Monday and she's expressed the wish to celebrate it on Sunday...so I know she's coming back. And I know she's coming back soon. Hell we have all kinds of long-term plans. I know she's not going anywhere totally.

I've been pretty decent with her being poly so far...but I'm just kind of freaking tonight.

Can anyone share their coping mechanisms?
 
If you have pets, let them sit on or near you. Seriously. I find that comforting.

It's hard to be alone sometimes, even if one is 'good' at being alone. Learning to like your own company is a critical life skill for everyone. It's good that you recognize you need to work on this.

Having other friends to hang out with, or just chat with online, has been critical for me. I am working on expanding my circle of friends.

Hang in there. It is hard sometimes, but it won't be hard all the time, forever.
 
Watch TV. Go on a date yourself, if that's possible. Play Call of Duty. Cook. Have people over. Masturbate.
 
Hey. Sorry that it was rough for you. I hope you found a way through it.

I kind of giggled at london's suggestions. Yeah, I do the last one a lot (I totally get off on my two partners having a date together...)

Other ideas include calling up friends and catching up. I often blog here when they're on dates, just because it feels good to be part of this community in moments when I want to be reminded that I'm normal (or at least not too abnormal). I probably have two drinks too many. The kids are older, so if it's a pre-bedtime date, I spend time with them and we do dumb shit together. I read a book. I immerse myself in work and catch up on my email...

I don't know if those help.

I guess the one thing that I do that is hard to quantify is that I love the shit out of my wife, while she's gone. I think about all the great things we have, I affirm in myself that this is worth it, that I see her being her most essential self. I love being there as she discovers something new in herself, and I get excited to hear about it when she's back. (No, I don't need the details of their sex... though I kind of like it, but that's not what I'm talking about.) And I also love the shit out of AM, while she's with WI. The idea of them being happy helps me relax.
 
The above suggestions are great temporary solutions which do the trick in the moment- they distract you for the time being and help you to remember that there are other ways to spend your time besides focusing on the other person. There's not any need for me to add others, I'm sure you know what hobbies you like or have always wanted to try- now is the time!

Besides those, I also find it helpful to work through my feelings more internally. In the beginning of my relationship, I felt more anxious about the time he spent with his other partner...but also realized that was about my insecurities and self esteem. I chose to do a lot of self work: I got books on self esteem and working through issues so I could feel more secure as an individual, and I got books on communication in relationships so I could communicate my feelings better to both myself and my partner. I also started journaling, which helped me to identify negative behavioral patterns I was indulging in better so I could see where my weaknesses were and could work on them. I also began meditating- intentional meditation in particular has been useful and can be done anywhere, anytime for a quick boost against anxiety. Praying and wishing good will on those in my life, including his other partner, has also been helpful. I'm also a fan of self-pampering- sometimes you just need soothing human contact, so go get yourself a massage and relax your body and mind. It's all about finding the coping mechanisms that help you get to a stronger emotional place. It's not always easy, but it's helped me to tell myself that they are just feelings and I have the ability to control my feelings and to choose positivity. When I'm really focused on him while he is with her, I turn my negative energy in to productive, positive energy by doing something that to me feels related to him and that is better than moping, such as perfecting a new recipe that I think he will enjoy when I make it for him at a later date or working on a project or task I know he will be excited to see that I've made progress on.

I hope at least a little of this helps! Good luck!
 
I'm curious about coping mechanisms too. Especially when trying to sleep. My husband and his girlfriend usually stay up a lot later than me. I'm just not a night owl. However, I usually start tossing and turning trying to fall asleep, obsessing about what they're doing in the other room, feeling left out. I would love coping mechanisms for quieting my mind so I can fall asleep.
 
Perhaps something to help you relax your mind before bed, such as meditation or gentle yoga? And if he is actually in the house, and it's not like it's an actual date situation that you don't want to intrude on, why not ask your partner to come tuck you in and spend a few minutes snuggling as you settle in to sleeping? That might help keep some insecurity at bay.
 
why not ask your partner to come tuck you in and spend a few minutes snuggling as you settle in to sleeping? That might help keep some insecurity at bay.
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When I do end up spending time down at the home P shares with M1, this is exactly what we do. He'll come in at night and tuck me in for a while, and then he'll also wake up early and spend some time with me in the morning before I have to go (when I stay, it's on a work night, and I have to get up god-awful early to leave). It's a nice gesture and helps with the whole "I don't want to intrude on your space" thing while not making me feel like I have to make myself scarce.
 
Thanks for all the responses, y'all. She's got a date tomorrow and I'm feeling pretty good about weathering it. Of course, I'm only able to guess until it's actually here.

I've got so much to do around the house and I really need to read a lot of stuff and get back into my hobbies.

The key is I have to just live my life. Easier said than done, but hey.
 
I just feel like I'm never going to be truly okay/chill with it... like I'm just enduring them being together. I question whether I'm poly at all sometimes. On some level, yes, I'm happy they are spending time together, but for the most part, I'm just trying to "survive" it.

That all sounds terrible.
 
phantazmagoria said:
I just feel like I'm never going to be truly okay/chill with it... like I'm just enduring them being together. I question whether I'm poly at all sometimes. On some level, yes, I'm happy they are spending time together, but for the most part, I'm just trying to "survive" it.

That all sounds terrible.
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Change the context then.

"Like I'm just enduring my SO having friends."

It's something I'm dealing with too, but really it boils down to this:
1) My wife deserves to have friends and other relationships
2) She gets to decide what that means, be it cuddling and hand holding, or whatnot
3) Her love for me is largely independent of her love for other people
4) She is a different person with different needs than me

The rational component of course is different than the emotional component. The emotional component says:
1) I've been training myself to be monogamous now for over 36 years, so it's hard to let go of that
2) I'm selfish and want all of her time to myself
3) I'm greedy and want to do everything with her and not by myself or with others
4) It's unfair how she can find a date anytime she wants and I can't
 
phantazmagoria said:
I'm curious about coping mechanisms too. Especially when trying to sleep . . . I usually start tossing and turning trying to fall asleep, obsessing about what they're doing in the other room, feeling left out. I would love coping mechanisms for quieting my mind so I can fall asleep.
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phantazmagoria said:
I just feel like I'm never going to be truly okay/chill with it . . .for the most part, I'm just trying to "survive" it.
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Why do they have to be fucking around in the very next room? Why can't they go to her place or a motel? It seems a bit disrespectful of them to disregard your discomfort and be so "in your face" with what they're doing that they are keeping you up at night. So, one coping mechanism you can use is to say, "go somewhere else!"
 
Tigergirl said:
...why not ask your partner to come tuck you in and spend a few minutes snuggling as you settle in to sleeping? That might help keep some insecurity at bay.
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I'm a huge fan of this...other partners or no (MrS and I were doing this before Dude was living with us). I ask for a "snuggle-tucking" then 15 minutes of house "quiet time" when I go to bed - I'm the one that has to get up in the morning for work. (I'm also a fan of masturbating myself to sleep if the boys are otherwise occupied :eek:)
 
JaneQSmythe said:
I'm a huge fan of this...other partners or no (MrS and ft. I were do i lol bng this before Dude was living with us). I ask for a "snuggle-tucking" then 15 minutes of house "quiet time" when I go to bed - I'm the one that has to get up in the morning for work. (I'm also a fan of masturbating myself to sleep if the boys are otherwise occupied :eek:)
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Yep, I have n tuck mw in if he stays up later than me. And I usually masturbate at night as well, betterrthan a sleeping pill :p
 
[QUOTE = phantazmagoria]I just feel like I'm never going to be truly okay/chill with it... like I'm just enduring them being together. I question whether I'm poly at all sometimes. On some level, yes, I'm happy they are spending time together, but for the most part, I'm just trying to "survive" it.[/QUOTE]

Ok with what part? Being in a polyship? Or having to listen to other people have sex in the room next door waking you up? Or both? :confused:

SHORT TERM

If you want to not be woken up/bothered in your sleep in your home -- could they go to her place?

If you are feeling left out and need to be included - could ask for tucking in / quiet connection time before parting ways to separate rooms for the night. And/or reconnection the next day.

If you are making yourself upset thinking things that put you as "less than" -- could learn to stop doing that thinking behavior.

LONG TERM

Whether or not you want to continue to participate in polyship -- that is something only you can determine. Your willingness to participate and ability to participate is your call.

But if you are merely "surviving" rather than "thriving" -- you could think on it and weigh out the pros and cons for yourself.

Galagirl
 
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GalaGirl said:
If you are making yourself upset thinking things that put you as "less than" -- could learn to stop doing that thinking behavior.
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how

if you are merely "surviving" rather than "thriving" -- you could think on it and weigh out the pros and cons for yourself.
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what are they?

right now, all I can think of is, I am poly, I want the option to date as many people as I like, and since my bf is also poly, goose/gander.

But yet, my emotions are rebelling so freaking much. I feel hypocritical and childish and that makes me even more down on myself.
 
Magdlyn said:
But yet, my emotions are rebelling so freaking much. I feel hypocritical and childish and that makes me even more down on myself.
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Could start there. Because merely feeling whatever is not causing you to be down on you. You thinking you stink because you feel x is causing you to feel down about you. Then instead of single load of UGH from the situation you get a another load of UGH -- the second one self-serve.

Having feelings? To me that's just another sense. Like my sense of sight, my sense of hearing, my sense of taste. There's my emotional sense and it serves to clue me in on whether or not my behavior is serving me well.

I don't sit around thinking "I stink because I can see roses with my sense of sight. I stink because I can hear dogs bark with my sense of hearing." Why would I go "I stink because feel upset with my sense of emotion?"

I don't always LOVE experiencing the feelings that I feel -- some are fun to feel and some are less fun. But I don't think I'm "less adult" or "childish" merely because I have them and I have a fully operational sense of emotion.

I am not my thoughts or my feelings. I am the person doing the thinking or experiencing the feeling. How I choose to behave in response to my senses giving me feedback is up to me.

I rather take the one dose of UGH than pile on extra UGH with my thinking behavior.

Rather than feel UGH from the situation and then pile on thoughts of "I stink because I feel ____" as extra UGH layer on top?

I go with "Man, I feel UGH. This situation stinks. How do I get me out of this situation so I can stop feeling UGH? Am I thinking crap? Am I doing crap? Is someone else making crap for me?"

Magdlyn said:
I want the option to date as many people as I like, and since my bf is also poly, goose/gander.
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Well... on the surface that sounds fine. You date. He dates.

WHAT about it or HOW you each are doing it -- is bothering you? Or is is WHO he dates that bothers you?

Galagirl
 
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Things I do:

First, I accept my feelings and we do talk about them-but NOT before, during or immediately after the date. We have a pre-set time for talking about :( stuff.

I write. In a diary, on my blog here, on my personal blog, sometimes an email to him. However much it takes to really get to the bottom of what I am thinking/feeling etc.

I work out (in the moment). We have a treadmill and a full weight bench/set. I do a heavy workout with loud music blaring.

*I avoid playing lovey dovey or mopey music. I play loud, boisterous, fun-loving music.*

I clean our room. Make the bed, sweep the floors, dust the shelves, make sure all of the laundry is washed, dried and put away.
I often do the same with the bathroom-just scrub it ridiculously clean.
Then it's my turn. I pamper myself. Shave with coconut oil (irritates everyone else cause the shower gets slippery), wash and condition my hair, then lotion, perfume, the works.

Then I write sexy stories for him and leave them on his bedside table. (because he likes that).

I read. I ALWAYS have good books waiting for my attention. One on my bedside table and a stack by the dresser.

Depending on time of day I may do homework (cause God knows that never gets "finished").

Finally; I try to make special plans with the kids and/or grandkids if it's day time. Movies or the park or sledding. Something fun and busy and together.
 
GalaGirl said:
Well... on the surface that sounds fine. You date. He dates.

WHAT about it or HOW you each are doing it -- is bothering you? Or is is WHO he dates that bothers you?

Galagirl
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Yeah, I feel like I've got a lot of hard stuff on my plate now, other things, not poly things. So, it would be SO nice, for me, if Ginger would devote more time and effort to supporting me and miss p while we deal with all of it. But, he won't. He made that clear. This is his way, take it or leave it.

I am not thrilled with the woman he is currently dating, Buddhist. She is power dating after a long marriage and she was ready to fuck Ginger on their 2nd date without having the safer sex talk. Ginger had to put on the brakes. If she was willing to go there with him, no doubt she will with others... Although she's been tested and is clean, except... herpes.

Even if I can dissect why I feel so "ugh," I don't have a good handle on how to move forward. I try talking to him, he just gets defensive. My only plan is to get comfort from the way he can provide it, acts of service, and touching, sex, cuddles. I asked for more service yesterday, and got it. I also have made sure our sex life stays interesting and creative, and since he wont sleep over anymore, I told him we had to at least nap together yesterday after sex, and we did, and it was comforting.

I mean, we do talk a lot, in person and online, about our daily lives and stuff. It's just when the topic moves to my feelings around him dating, it gets kinda ugly.
 
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