alibabe_muse
Member
This is in two posts since it is so long:
My spouse, bassman, has been a liar since he was a kid. Never disciplined for it, enabled quite a bit from his momma and this behavior has been a part of him ever since we first started dating almost 21 years ago this month.
Note: I have forgiven all lies from the past, but the past is part of the present and the future, so it will be brought up.
The lies, until now and that's at least what I am aware of and this part, the doubt, is the sucky feelings that sit inside me. New ones and the most recent was Friday night has created a two-fold situation for me, the realization that although he proclaims primary/secondary hierarchy (I'm not 100% or even close to this relationship structure as stated in my blog), but as a line from Hamlet "the lady (put in man) doth protest too much" seems to spew from his mouth (spew - sounds vindictive, angry but it's more a reality as I feel zero anger just a lot of heartache and pain-both in my heart and my mind) and that in reality I have actually become and actually was months and months ago (he has been seeing wild orchid since the end of October) I am treated sub-par and way below the line of a "secondary" pretty much like shit.
Lying - I have not been able to get him to accept he's a liar, possibly habitual (he has denied when I suggested this with the prior lie to this weekend). I need to do research on why one would lie. Bassman has told me it's because he doesn't want me to hurt if he tells me the truth or he's walking on eggshells
Or he lies just because he isn't ready to face consequences of his decisions made.
The problem I see with the lying is a) it usually is discovered, comes out, found out naturally (I’m so in tune with when he does it, I immediately "know" as soon as it is spoken--I don't search for it...the truth just appears to be confronted--and if my path in life is to be tested by loving and living with a liar, that is some shitty ass charma I have on me b) although I might have been upset by being told a truth my upsetness would have been less c) I’m not allowed to grow d) makes me feel as if I'm feeble minded, unable to cope with reality in his eyes e) and the lie just makes the pain that much more, that much heavier to bear f) the receiver of the lies then self-doubts, loses some self-esteem, pride even, and self-hate.
My crossroads - even after we have our discussions (have had a few yesterday) I don't know if it's worth it to me to stick in this relationship. Looking back over the last 21 years, there has been way more joy than pain. My problem is the pain of receiving treatment from one who says they love me, I'm their soul mate, their best friend, that how can that be love? I'm not much into understanding D/s emotional aspects but I'm pretty sure that between the Dom and sub, there is honesty and respect and love, so then I realize this relationship has turned into way too much yuck for me to accept. As Galagirl would say "I’ve reached my limit".
I do not want to force him to change, I am not giving any ultimatums but only choices for me that will enable my growth, rather than stunting me, intellectually, emotionally and physically (stress inhibits the transmitters to kick start the metabolism and on top of only having 1/2 my thyroid removed, the lies are affecting me physically).
I accept he has his reasons to lie - and that's a crutch of loving him, but I don't know if I can let myself be a victim of it anymore. This is where I believe I need ADVICE:
* How healthy is it to remain in a relationship with a liar - the liar has not offered up resolutions to making the relationship healthier?
* How healthy is it to remain in a relationship with a liar - the liar has offered up resolutions to making the relationship healthier?
* What is constituted healthier? I ask because I am in a highly emotional state and realize my bias will always outweigh an ability to see both sides of a story.
* If I decide that options for change are not enough, am I giving up to easily? I love him so frickin much but in the last two days have realized I haven’t trusted him and that’s been for a long, long time.
* If I decide the options for change (and that’s in both of us because there are other issues involved) are possible to enable and promote healthier, happier individuals that will benefit the dyad and in turn bless our family (NOTE: kids are healthy, happy, not involved with any of this I am their protector and nurturer so no worries on them in all this at this moment) do I set up a timeline for when “goals” need to be accomplished? And do I create a tickler list of what we set up and let’s say that by X time only 2/10 goals were accomplished or 8/10 do we need to create a percentage that says “we will continue forward” or “we will not continue forward”? If so, how do I explain it to bassman?
Whew a little spent writing that out. Cried some as I did, then had to think a bit harder to not lose my focus.
I know I have more to share/background on this part but the big WOW that hit me yesterday is just as important information about ME, where I am emotionally, thought processing. Wait: up until March lies had been about financial things. In March they turned to his relationship with Wild Orchid. Now the truth of the lies are coming from circumstance. Like needing princess’ lunch bag, asking pnutt if they grabbed it from daycare the day before and being told “oh we must have left it in wild orchid’s car”. I didn’t know, which it’s not my place to control what happens if we don’t have family obligations or plan together except we had a “boundary” {we’re supposed to let each other know beforehand an oso will be seen or at least in the very least tell about it afterwards (his request way more than mine) and still since I am supposed to let him know before if I see a fwb or potential}. The day before I had asked if she had been over visiting since things were picked up, doors shut, etc – what he does when he has company, and he said NO. I dropped it but princess said wild orchid bought her the coloring book (three year olds love sharing facts when their happy) and again I asked if she had visited. Told that was princess’ birthday present from his mom. Whatever, I dropped it. So when I need the lunch bag, I’m running late to work and what pnutt said presented the truth of the lie.
So the lie Friday night, let me recap the details:
He’s a chef, was working a double. Texted me 8:29 pm “Should be back by 10:30 give or take”. Then at 11:25 I wake from napping and sense something isn’t “right” (I am intuitive) sent this text “Are you ok?” He responds “I’ll call you in a bit. I’m fine…busy” “Mother’s day prep. I state “Right” “What a lie” “Why are you lying?”. No word from him again, after I started freaking out…he wasn’t at his job (yes I drove by only so I didn’t start feel like I’m going crazy, losing my mind & him saying he was there but left for drinks at whatever time he'd use in his lie, never knowing when he might come home, and then started fearing he was silly, went for drinks with the crew, got pulled over and was in jail or worse yet, dead on the side of the road).
Finally at 3:47 am he texts (he had his cell off this entire time and he had his overnight with her on Thursday, they are back to two a week) “With Wild Orchid. I’ll see you in a bit. I’m totally OK. Phones off. Be home by 5am”. I don’t respond but called him and left him a message we are divorcing. I totally freaked out, but no anger, just done, done with it all. 5:20 receive “Fell back asleep. Leaving in 15”
I am now wounded beyond repair, thank him for the awesome mother’s day weekend, that I’ve always wanted that feeling and would he be making it to the teens soccer game since he promised I could sleep in (I never slept and got in 2 hours since I woke Friday morning until last night at midnight which was Sat) and he’d be there at her tournament.
So he calls me when he finally leaves…actually sent a text first “We need to talk before anyone talks about leaving. Don’t want to text about this. I’m heading home” 6:05 am. And tells me he no longer loves me and that how our home is never perfect (he works, I work, teen is busy, we have an 8 year old and a 3 year old who is the queen of destruction…minutes after an area is organized, you look back and she’s just created chaos) and basically hearing from him it’s over. He says that’s not it. Etc. blah, blah I hope you get the jist. Guess what I’ve been doing since that, laundry, putting away what’s been washed for weeks, getting our bedroom cleaned (except his grossness on his side of the bed—that’s on my list of “issues” in our relationship and living environment (SORRY there is info I haven't shared but we have agreed to discuss, try to resolve and move forward…I’m still not sure what I want or if I want an outcome and we should just end it now).
My spouse, bassman, has been a liar since he was a kid. Never disciplined for it, enabled quite a bit from his momma and this behavior has been a part of him ever since we first started dating almost 21 years ago this month.
Note: I have forgiven all lies from the past, but the past is part of the present and the future, so it will be brought up.
The lies, until now and that's at least what I am aware of and this part, the doubt, is the sucky feelings that sit inside me. New ones and the most recent was Friday night has created a two-fold situation for me, the realization that although he proclaims primary/secondary hierarchy (I'm not 100% or even close to this relationship structure as stated in my blog), but as a line from Hamlet "the lady (put in man) doth protest too much" seems to spew from his mouth (spew - sounds vindictive, angry but it's more a reality as I feel zero anger just a lot of heartache and pain-both in my heart and my mind) and that in reality I have actually become and actually was months and months ago (he has been seeing wild orchid since the end of October) I am treated sub-par and way below the line of a "secondary" pretty much like shit.
Lying - I have not been able to get him to accept he's a liar, possibly habitual (he has denied when I suggested this with the prior lie to this weekend). I need to do research on why one would lie. Bassman has told me it's because he doesn't want me to hurt if he tells me the truth or he's walking on eggshells
(my reaction this is said to turn the tables and make me feel guilty for his lie - History: first time he lied I was pissed and when we were in our 20's I would just get angrier and angrier every time a lie was discovered--these lies were never about another woman or cheating, but regarding our financial health, the ones that really upset me, since we've struggled with our finances ever since we moved in together--I may not have been justified with the vehemence of my anger back then--it was a learned behavior from my mother and included anger at myself for marrying a man just like my father)
Or he lies just because he isn't ready to face consequences of his decisions made.
The problem I see with the lying is a) it usually is discovered, comes out, found out naturally (I’m so in tune with when he does it, I immediately "know" as soon as it is spoken--I don't search for it...the truth just appears to be confronted--and if my path in life is to be tested by loving and living with a liar, that is some shitty ass charma I have on me b) although I might have been upset by being told a truth my upsetness would have been less c) I’m not allowed to grow d) makes me feel as if I'm feeble minded, unable to cope with reality in his eyes e) and the lie just makes the pain that much more, that much heavier to bear f) the receiver of the lies then self-doubts, loses some self-esteem, pride even, and self-hate.
My crossroads - even after we have our discussions (have had a few yesterday) I don't know if it's worth it to me to stick in this relationship. Looking back over the last 21 years, there has been way more joy than pain. My problem is the pain of receiving treatment from one who says they love me, I'm their soul mate, their best friend, that how can that be love? I'm not much into understanding D/s emotional aspects but I'm pretty sure that between the Dom and sub, there is honesty and respect and love, so then I realize this relationship has turned into way too much yuck for me to accept. As Galagirl would say "I’ve reached my limit".
I do not want to force him to change, I am not giving any ultimatums but only choices for me that will enable my growth, rather than stunting me, intellectually, emotionally and physically (stress inhibits the transmitters to kick start the metabolism and on top of only having 1/2 my thyroid removed, the lies are affecting me physically).
I accept he has his reasons to lie - and that's a crutch of loving him, but I don't know if I can let myself be a victim of it anymore. This is where I believe I need ADVICE:
* How healthy is it to remain in a relationship with a liar - the liar has not offered up resolutions to making the relationship healthier?
* How healthy is it to remain in a relationship with a liar - the liar has offered up resolutions to making the relationship healthier?
* What is constituted healthier? I ask because I am in a highly emotional state and realize my bias will always outweigh an ability to see both sides of a story.
* If I decide that options for change are not enough, am I giving up to easily? I love him so frickin much but in the last two days have realized I haven’t trusted him and that’s been for a long, long time.
* If I decide the options for change (and that’s in both of us because there are other issues involved) are possible to enable and promote healthier, happier individuals that will benefit the dyad and in turn bless our family (NOTE: kids are healthy, happy, not involved with any of this I am their protector and nurturer so no worries on them in all this at this moment) do I set up a timeline for when “goals” need to be accomplished? And do I create a tickler list of what we set up and let’s say that by X time only 2/10 goals were accomplished or 8/10 do we need to create a percentage that says “we will continue forward” or “we will not continue forward”? If so, how do I explain it to bassman?
Whew a little spent writing that out. Cried some as I did, then had to think a bit harder to not lose my focus.
I know I have more to share/background on this part but the big WOW that hit me yesterday is just as important information about ME, where I am emotionally, thought processing. Wait: up until March lies had been about financial things. In March they turned to his relationship with Wild Orchid. Now the truth of the lies are coming from circumstance. Like needing princess’ lunch bag, asking pnutt if they grabbed it from daycare the day before and being told “oh we must have left it in wild orchid’s car”. I didn’t know, which it’s not my place to control what happens if we don’t have family obligations or plan together except we had a “boundary” {we’re supposed to let each other know beforehand an oso will be seen or at least in the very least tell about it afterwards (his request way more than mine) and still since I am supposed to let him know before if I see a fwb or potential}. The day before I had asked if she had been over visiting since things were picked up, doors shut, etc – what he does when he has company, and he said NO. I dropped it but princess said wild orchid bought her the coloring book (three year olds love sharing facts when their happy) and again I asked if she had visited. Told that was princess’ birthday present from his mom. Whatever, I dropped it. So when I need the lunch bag, I’m running late to work and what pnutt said presented the truth of the lie.
So the lie Friday night, let me recap the details:
He’s a chef, was working a double. Texted me 8:29 pm “Should be back by 10:30 give or take”. Then at 11:25 I wake from napping and sense something isn’t “right” (I am intuitive) sent this text “Are you ok?” He responds “I’ll call you in a bit. I’m fine…busy” “Mother’s day prep. I state “Right” “What a lie” “Why are you lying?”. No word from him again, after I started freaking out…he wasn’t at his job (yes I drove by only so I didn’t start feel like I’m going crazy, losing my mind & him saying he was there but left for drinks at whatever time he'd use in his lie, never knowing when he might come home, and then started fearing he was silly, went for drinks with the crew, got pulled over and was in jail or worse yet, dead on the side of the road).
Finally at 3:47 am he texts (he had his cell off this entire time and he had his overnight with her on Thursday, they are back to two a week) “With Wild Orchid. I’ll see you in a bit. I’m totally OK. Phones off. Be home by 5am”. I don’t respond but called him and left him a message we are divorcing. I totally freaked out, but no anger, just done, done with it all. 5:20 receive “Fell back asleep. Leaving in 15”
I am now wounded beyond repair, thank him for the awesome mother’s day weekend, that I’ve always wanted that feeling and would he be making it to the teens soccer game since he promised I could sleep in (I never slept and got in 2 hours since I woke Friday morning until last night at midnight which was Sat) and he’d be there at her tournament.
So he calls me when he finally leaves…actually sent a text first “We need to talk before anyone talks about leaving. Don’t want to text about this. I’m heading home” 6:05 am. And tells me he no longer loves me and that how our home is never perfect (he works, I work, teen is busy, we have an 8 year old and a 3 year old who is the queen of destruction…minutes after an area is organized, you look back and she’s just created chaos) and basically hearing from him it’s over. He says that’s not it. Etc. blah, blah I hope you get the jist. Guess what I’ve been doing since that, laundry, putting away what’s been washed for weeks, getting our bedroom cleaned (except his grossness on his side of the bed—that’s on my list of “issues” in our relationship and living environment (SORRY there is info I haven't shared but we have agreed to discuss, try to resolve and move forward…I’m still not sure what I want or if I want an outcome and we should just end it now).
Last edited:
