alibabe_muse
Member
Which states require a parent to pay for postsecondary education? I have a teen going off in 2016 so it'd be best to know which states colleges are in she should not apply to.
having a baby with your secondary
- Thread starter snugglesbunny
- Start date
Which states require a parent to pay for postsecondary education? I have a teen going off in 2016 so it'd be best to know which states colleges are in she should not apply to.
FarAwayLover
New member
My _impression_ is that court-ordered paying for a kid's college comes up when the parents are divorced, and there is child support involved. I don't think it comes up when the parents are together. Although I don't know how the intricacies of poly parents who have different spouses would work with this.
And what colleges _assume_ about parental contributions is another kettle of fish. I remember that when I was applying to graduate school, I was engaged to Clyde. and there was some financial aid form (I think a standard one that was used by several schools) that wanted to know how much _Clyde's_ parents made! That seemed totally absurd to me - we weren't even married yet. I didn't see at all how I could ask for that information. Fortunately I got a fellowship and didn't have to get my money through that particular financial aid process, because I'm sure I never got or gave anyone that information.
FAL
--------------------------------
M - Me - female, 59 - _trying_ to figure out if I'm poly
Clyde (previously B) - 56 - my husband for over 34 years
Jacques (previously JP) - 59 - my high school boyfriend, newly appeared in the picture after 38 years; very long distance; haven't actually seen him
Artemis (previously A) - 66? - Jacques's wife of over 30 years, who's not cool with things
IndieSolo
Active member
But... egad... what if the kid doesn't want to go to college? Or if it's not the right choice for whatever they want to do with their lives? Maybe there's a trade or technical school, or show/music business, or something else... No one is required to go to college. It's not a given that every kid is entitled to a college education - college isn't the right choice for everyone.
The OP stated in her initial post that the relationship was not secondary, but used the term to indicate they are not the married couple.
Re: Paying for college, in some custody cases, as others have said, a clause is included that states the parent who pays child support will also be responsible for some or all of the post-secondary education costs of the child. Custody agreements generally end when the child turns 18, so if paying for college, trade school, etc. will be an issue, it has to be included in the custody agreement made when the child is still underage, as I understand it. (Been through, so far, three custody court fights with my first husband...)
In some cases, I believe, though could be wrong, that the post-secondary clause might include what will happen if the child chooses not to pursue additional education; something like the support-paying parent will contribute to expenses incurred by the child establishing their own residence or whatever. That was mentioned to me by a lawyer at one point, anyway, because at the time it seemed unlikely that my older child would go for any post-secondary education. (She has done; she's in cosmetology school.) But it ended up being a moot point anyway; my kids' father was designated as disabled, so rather than child support from him, I received a stipend from Social Security for each child. And Social Security doesn't care if a child goes to post-secondary education; stipends like that automatically end when the child turns 18, unless the child is also disabled.
In some cases, I believe, though could be wrong, that the post-secondary clause might include what will happen if the child chooses not to pursue additional education; something like the support-paying parent will contribute to expenses incurred by the child establishing their own residence or whatever. That was mentioned to me by a lawyer at one point, anyway, because at the time it seemed unlikely that my older child would go for any post-secondary education. (She has done; she's in cosmetology school.) But it ended up being a moot point anyway; my kids' father was designated as disabled, so rather than child support from him, I received a stipend from Social Security for each child. And Social Security doesn't care if a child goes to post-secondary education; stipends like that automatically end when the child turns 18, unless the child is also disabled.
alibabe_muse
Member
I have to read a lot of divorce decrees while preparing tax returns. So far I've never read about child support extending beyond the 18th birthday nor about any obligations to pay for it.
As far as FASFA goes it isn't that the parents are made to pay for it only to determine eligibility for grants versus loans. I lost all grant opportunities due to my mother marrying her husband when I went off to college. Due to her getting married the federal formula did require his income information - even though he wasn't my legal father. I don't think the government required him to pay for it but viewed he'd help out if needed. So I got stuck with loans.
As far as FASFA goes it isn't that the parents are made to pay for it only to determine eligibility for grants versus loans. I lost all grant opportunities due to my mother marrying her husband when I went off to college. Due to her getting married the federal formula did require his income information - even though he wasn't my legal father. I don't think the government required him to pay for it but viewed he'd help out if needed. So I got stuck with loans.
YouAreHere
Well-known member
During my divorce (state of NH), in court, in front of the judge, he was discussing support and I somehow mentioned paying for college in my reply. The judge looked me in the eye and said, "This is going to sound horrible to you, but you are not legally obligated to pay for college. What you do on your own is your decision."
Your mileage in your state (or country) may vary.
Your mileage in your state (or country) may vary.
LovingRadiance
Active member
In Alaska; in case of custodial cases for children (which do not require marriage or divorce) child support can be extended to 21 if the child is in college. It isn't "paying for college" but it is extended child support.
Additionally-it can ordered that if the child attends college the Non-Custodial Parent must pay a portion of the expense.
Additionally-it can ordered that if the child attends college the Non-Custodial Parent must pay a portion of the expense.
IndieSolo
Active member
My husband was required to pay child support to his ex until his son turned 21. And believe me, there was no plan to send the kid to college (nor the chance that it would ever happen).
LovingRadiance
Active member
Exactly the point Nyc-in each state/country etc the laws differ.
My ex only had to pay until the child was 18, same with Maca's ex. But my sisters dad had to pay til she was 21.
My ex only had to pay until the child was 18, same with Maca's ex. But my sisters dad had to pay til she was 21.
PolyinPractice
New member
I know, I know there aren't any definitions, really. Still, I'm not a fan of the idea that "primary"="married." I feel that's a very common misconception that primary HAS to mean married/living together/longest relationship.
monkeystyle
Member
I think these questions need to be asked: What happens if the relationships fall apart? Who pays? Who gets visitation - and is visitation in danger for a non-paternal/maternal parent? Are the non-bio parents okay with a potential nightmare scenario happening? Not every glittering relationship can be expected to last 18 years or more.
The ugly stuff is the stuff I'd worry about on behalf the child.
The ugly stuff is the stuff I'd worry about on behalf the child.
snugglesbunny
New member
@monkeystyle we have asked these questions as well as many more.
I do not want anyone to think we are jumping into this with blinders on. If anything I think that we have done more talking then my ex and I ever did before having my girls.
I do not want anyone to think we are jumping into this with blinders on. If anything I think that we have done more talking then my ex and I ever did before having my girls.
IndieSolo
Active member
The thing I don't like about how this thread has gone is that, for the most part, when a monogamous couple wants to have a kid, the only question that gets asked is whether they can afford it or not. But mostly they will be cheered on and congratulated without any wagging of fingers or warnings about the stability of the relationship - and many mono couples want kids just because they have been taught that that is one of the goals of getting married or settling down. Few ever ponder their reasons for wanting to bring another human being into the world or choose the path of becoming a parent with much forethought beyond meeting family expectations or what color to paint the baby's room.
Now, here you are in a solid, loving poly situation and posting at a polyamory-focused forum, and gettting a lot of negativity and forewarnings. I am childfree by choice myself, but am very surprised at the responses you've gotten thus far. I think that if you have been able to make a complex poly arrangement work well, you will be able to make raising another child within that arrangement work well, too. It is obvious to me that you are thoughtful, concerned, and not just blindly jumping in. We sometimes get poly newbies who post here all enthralled with their new lifestyle who say, "I wanna have my bf's baby!" And you can tell that they're not really using much common sense. But I don't sense that about you. You seem to have your head screwed on right, and I believe you will be able to negotiate any difficulties well.
I hope that you get more feedback from people who are successfully parenting in a poly household.
Now, here you are in a solid, loving poly situation and posting at a polyamory-focused forum, and gettting a lot of negativity and forewarnings. I am childfree by choice myself, but am very surprised at the responses you've gotten thus far. I think that if you have been able to make a complex poly arrangement work well, you will be able to make raising another child within that arrangement work well, too. It is obvious to me that you are thoughtful, concerned, and not just blindly jumping in. We sometimes get poly newbies who post here all enthralled with their new lifestyle who say, "I wanna have my bf's baby!" And you can tell that they're not really using much common sense. But I don't sense that about you. You seem to have your head screwed on right, and I believe you will be able to negotiate any difficulties well.
I hope that you get more feedback from people who are successfully parenting in a poly household.
snugglesbunny
New member
Thank you. I was trying to over look the negative stuff that seemed negative just because we were not mono.
I'm a tad confused.
You use two different labels for this man, and labels are important as your question is label specific. I try to avoid labels, but I define Primaries to be people you are in a priority, possibly financial-marital, relationship with. I find that Secondaries tend to be people that someone cares about, but is not bound to in as concrete a way as the Primaries.
These seem to be the initial terms you use, but you then say that he is considered a Primary. So, if he is considered emotionally a Primary then I can't imagine not having a kid with him. Unless you have a problem with his not being a true primary.
Now, if it were my relationship I would insist on a financial-marital relationship before having children. So, I would only have children with women that were living with me, working with me, in my family, "married" to me legally or not. I would also hope my fiance does not have a child with a man that isn't a husband figure to her/us. I would want to build a child's future on the solid bond of a Primary type relationship.
So, in short. I would avoid children without a financial/marital/familial bond.
You use two different labels for this man, and labels are important as your question is label specific. I try to avoid labels, but I define Primaries to be people you are in a priority, possibly financial-marital, relationship with. I find that Secondaries tend to be people that someone cares about, but is not bound to in as concrete a way as the Primaries.
These seem to be the initial terms you use, but you then say that he is considered a Primary. So, if he is considered emotionally a Primary then I can't imagine not having a kid with him. Unless you have a problem with his not being a true primary.
Now, if it were my relationship I would insist on a financial-marital relationship before having children. So, I would only have children with women that were living with me, working with me, in my family, "married" to me legally or not. I would also hope my fiance does not have a child with a man that isn't a husband figure to her/us. I would want to build a child's future on the solid bond of a Primary type relationship.
So, in short. I would avoid children without a financial/marital/familial bond.
SlowPoly
Active member
I am planning to have a child with the partner I haven't ever been married to.
W and I are no longer legally married, in part because I hated the fact that marital privilege made M secondary in so many ways, including presumptive paternity. When I was still married to W the plan was to change the name on the eventual birth certificate via court proceedings, but there wasn't a way to actually have it be correct from the start. Ridiculous. We didn't get a successful pregnancy right away, and managed to process our divorce before I fell pregnant again.
Now that I'm legally single I get to put M's name on the birth certificate from day one.
I look forward to hearing about your journey, snugglesbunny.
W and I are no longer legally married, in part because I hated the fact that marital privilege made M secondary in so many ways, including presumptive paternity. When I was still married to W the plan was to change the name on the eventual birth certificate via court proceedings, but there wasn't a way to actually have it be correct from the start. Ridiculous. We didn't get a successful pregnancy right away, and managed to process our divorce before I fell pregnant again.
Now that I'm legally single I get to put M's name on the birth certificate from day one.
I look forward to hearing about your journey, snugglesbunny.
Geekmom925
New member
I find this thread interesting and bumping in case someone has more to respond. OP what did you decide to do?
This is something we discussed also as my wife S is off birth control for medical reasons and she & P like to go bare. Wife discussed it with me and I was fine with it so long as she & him wanted it. she then discussed it with him and they both decided against it. We already have 2 kids and he has 3 from his earlier marriage. Moreover, S is 45 and the biological clock is on the wrong side and more importantly the energy and the finances is simply not at the same level to bring another person into the world.
I agree that the primary-secondary matter is a bit superfluous. If there is love between the two of them, then there is nothing wrong to have a baby then.
I agree that the primary-secondary matter is a bit superfluous. If there is love between the two of them, then there is nothing wrong to have a baby then.