sex, jealously, and my primary

N

nosayingbagpipe

New member
Ok so this is about some disconnects I've been having with my primary.

So he's ok with me having casual sex without attachment if and when I desire it.

He's ok with me developing an emotional attachment with someone (i.e. my current boyfriend).

But then we hit this wall where he's been having a hard time knowing that I have sex WITH my boyfriend who I'm emotionally attached to. It's not that he says I can't, he just doesn't like it, at all.

When I get back from spending time with my boyfriend he tends to be very distant and doesn't want to be touched by me for about a day or two. I try to be understanding and respectful of how he needs to process it but it feels a little bit like a punishment ill admit. (I'd also like to point out that I have no issue with how he engages in his sex life with his girlfriend as long as they use protection.)

He wishes that I would indicate to him before I see my boyfriend whether or not I intend to be physically intimate with him or have as he likes to call "A friend date". I said no on the basis that it's my body and my relationship and that while I would be as helpful as possible to try and see him through these emotions I am not going to play a "sex or not" game to please some of his jealously hangups. (on top of the fact that he doesn't seem to take into account how my boyfriend would feel about that.)

Maybe I'm reacting this way out of a certain fear that he's engaging in some body ownership beliefs that just rub me the wrong way? Is there some way I could try to help him see how this hurts me without sparking his defences? He's very rational in every way except for this one, and we just keep hitting a wall when the topic comes up. Sigh.
 
All you can do is be supportive and talk him through it if he wants to discuss it. But yeah, him asking you to alter your behavior so that he doesn't have as much emotional management to navigate is not going to work.

Besides, on the practical side, how are you always supposed to know in advance whether or not sex will be part of the date? So even if you were inclined, I could see times where you might be inadvertently giving him inaccurate information.

Does he see the discrepancy between your behavior toward his external liasaons and his? I mean, while I know we all suffer emotions we don't want at times, he does logically understand that this is fucked up, right?
 
Hi bagpipe, Welcome.

You don't say how long you've been with your primary, or how new you are to having an open relationship.

You are only allowed sex with random strangers, and no sex with the bf you actually love? What is wrong with this picture? This is more of a swinger mentality than a polyamorous one.

Sex goes hand in hand with adult love (unless you're asexual, of course).

This is a common rule and mistake, to tell a partner, You can go have sex, but no feelings allowed! Sex CAUSES feelings to increase. It's hormonal and proven.

If he is having loving sex with his gf, but you aren't allowed to have loving sex with your bf, this is a one penis policy (OPP) and is sexist and abusive.
 
bookbug said:
All you can do is be supportive and talk him through it if he wants to discuss it. But yeah, him asking you to alter your behavior so that he doesn't have as much emotional management to navigate is not going to work.
Does he see the discrepancy between your behavior toward his external liasaons and his? I mean, while I know we all suffer emotions we don't want at times, he does logically understand that this is fucked up, right?
Click to expand...

He does see the discrepancy, just admits that regardless of that it still bothers him.

Its good to know I'm not nuts, I just cannot see myself turning my relationship with my boyfriend into something unnatural.
 
Magdlyn said:
Hi bagpipe, Welcome.

You don't say how long you've been with your primary, or how new you are to having an open relationship.

You are only allowed sex with random strangers, and no sex with the bf you actually love? What is wrong with this picture? This is more of a swinger mentality than a polyamorous one.

Sex goes hand in hand with adult love (unless you're asexual, of course).

This is a common rule and mistake, to tell a partner, You can go have sex, but no feelings allowed! Sex CAUSES feelings to increase. It's hormonal and proven.

If he is having loving sex with his gf, but you aren't allowed to have loving sex with your bf, this is a one penis policy (OPP) and is sexist and abusive.
Click to expand...

We've been together 8 1/2 years, poly about a year and a half, with my currently boyfriend about 6 months.

A lot of his emotion may come from this being my first real emotionally involved relationship outside of him. I get that, but it doesn't change the problem.

I AM allowed sex with the boyfriend I love, its just blown out of proportion and I'm made to feel a bit guilty about it.


No way in hell would I ever accept a one penis policy.
 
nosayingbagpipe said:
We've been together 8 1/2 years, poly about a year and a half, with my currently boyfriend about 6 months.

A lot of his emotion may come from this being my first real emotionally involved relationship outside of him. I get that, but it doesn't change the problem.

I AM allowed sex with the boyfriend I love, its just blown out of proportion and I'm made to feel a bit guilty about it.


No way in hell would I ever accept a one penis policy.
Click to expand...

OK, then! Good.

First, let's look at your use of the word "allowed." Since this is the 21st century, you are not your husband's property. You are an autonomous individual with a right to share you body and your love and your sex with whomever you want.

Now, your h might have certain feelings around that. Our culture does program us for monogamy, and men especially might have trouble with their wife having sex and love with another man, deep down on an almost preconscious level. The patriarchy still lives. But we don't have to feed it.

I'd say, go on and do what you want with the bf and let your husband work through his jealous feelings. Own your guilt too. No one can "make" you feel anything. Keep lines of communication open. Keep romance in your dyad with him. Date him, have sex, be yummy. If he fears losing you to the other guy, eventually when he sees he isn't losing you, he should calm down. It can take a while to work this out though, with lots of ups and downs, which we call the poly rollercoaster. Patience on both ends is a must.

I still struggle with jealous from time to time and I have been practicing polyamory since 1999. Being very honest and knowing what your needs are, and what your partners' needs are, and how to meet them, helps.
 
Hi bagpipe,

I remember your earlier thread and how you talked about the NRE between you and your bf being incredibly strong, while your relationships with your respective primaries were in a different, less passionate, stage. I also remember how you were very eager to move quickly with bf, but your primary is more introverted and prefers a slower pace.

It sounds like he obviously feels overwhelmed and threatened. I know someone posted the Poly Hell article to you last time - did you read it and did you address any issues that seemed to be relevant?

You said in your last thread that while people often give sympathy to the person who is struggling, nobody really sympathises with the one who is aching for more and feels stuck in slow motion. I would agree with you that this can be the case, but I personally do see how it can be difficult on both sides of the coin.

It could be that your primary has 'body ownership' ideas in his head, but it could be other things too. There might be a bit of couple-centricity going on, where your primary feels that when you don't put the primary relationship first, you are betraying him in some way. This might not be a conscious thought of his, but his recoil response after you see your boyfriend could indicate deep-rooted feelings of betrayal and social conditioning about cheating.

In terms of not wanting to be touched, I have heard of many poly people who can struggle with being touched directly after their partner has been with someone else. However, if this is lasting for up to two days, there is obviously a problem that needs to be addressed.

Both of you need to be willing. You must be willing to ask and own up to any mistakes you've made that have spiked his insecurities (being impatient or inconsiderate, acting like a single person, handling NRE badly, if you have) - but he must also be willing to do his part. He could get help with his insecurities by coming onto this forum, going to therapy, reading, acquiring new skills or accomplishing things he feels proud of. If you're doing your part, being respectful and compassionate, the rest is honestly down to him.

Incidentally, I think it's fair that you don't go down the road of telling him what kind of date you'll be having. So many complications with that.

In terms of talking to him, I'd start with asking him why he is upset in a comforting, understanding manner. Ask questions like:
- What are you afraid of?
- What spikes your feelings of fear?
- What don't you like about the current situation?
- Have I made any mistakes that are making this relationship difficult for you?
- Am I neglecting you/us?

Also:
- What need would you fulfill by knowing what kind of date I'm planning to have?

This will help you to uncover whether it's a need for control, he feels out of the loop, he feels cheated on/lied to, he doesn't like the unknown, his own need to plan and prepare for things, etc. Uncovering it might help you to find another way to meet that need.

Then:
- What can I do to help you?

That doesn't mean changing your relationship with BF. Instead, you are asking him to work with you to make everything easier. It could be that your primary simply needs you to give him space and not take it personally when you get home from a date. It could be that you could take your primary out on a date for every date you have with your BF. There could be loads of things that could help him.

In terms of raising your own upsets without getting his defenses up, the best advice I can offer is to avoid blaming language and assumptions:

Assumption - "I think you're trying to punish me."
Blaming - "You make me feel punished."

Try - "I understand that you probably don't mean to, but I feel punished when you are withdrawn. I would like to understand you better so that I don't feel this way if I do not need to feel this way."
 
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Maca had a REALLY hard time with me having sex with GG. He didn't want to touch me, it flat grossed him out. It honestly took us several years to find a "working" scenario.
One thing was-he had to NOT ask me if I had been intimate. Because just the act of asking-even if the answer was no, was enough to set off his "YUCK" buttons.
Two-he had to trust me to respect his boundary that I have a shower before coming to him if I was intimate with GG.
Three-he had to work through his personal issues with the idea of me being with another man.

He OBVIOUSLY knows we are intimate at this late stage in the game (almost 5 years?). We all live together and it's been openly discussed ad nauseum. But we don't discuss it. I do what I do with each partner without discussing it with the other. Because-we found that the more talking there was, the more "YUCK" feeling there was. Both guys are straight and not interested in other guys at all. They accept that I am in love with two men, but they aren't interested in knowing details.
 
How long have you been with the bf?

What does he do/say in the two days? Nothing mean... just is quiet? What happens after 2 days? Is he ok again? There are no details.

Because if he is basically is just quiet and he needs two days and is ok again? The prob to me seems more you taking it personally "like a punishment" rather than you accepting him needing space to be doing his processing time without taking it personally.

If this is a new lover bf, over time he may need less time to process afterward than 2 days. I could see him needing some time to adjust to the new changes.

Would also seem easier to me for him to assume all dates will have sex than monitoring if they do or do not on date by date basis. That just cranks up the stress. The bf is a lover now. Sex could happen, assume it does. There. Process and learn to chill. ONE time. Rather than over and over case by case. Could that change in outlook help him over the hump?

Galagirl
 
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