Poly Trial Separation

[MindMusic]

My girlfriend and I had been attempting to transition into a poly lifestyle. After 5+ years together she told me that she was feeling stifled and needed freedom... In the interests of making her happy so that she could relax and rediscover the love in our relationship, I offered to give her that freedom by telling her that it was OK for her to go casually date other men, sleep over, etc. I thought that I could be the superhero and deal with my fears and insecurities myself. Had she not already had one foot out the door (and we had instead approached our transition to poly as a team from a place of love) I'm sure I could have been alright with opening our relationship. Instead, despite my best efforts my fears showed like a movie screen across my face. She could tell that she was hurting me. Want to know the fastest way to make someone not want to be around you...? Make them feel guilty, even indirectly. They'll turn it around and blame it on you for your trouble. I've always been a person that thinks that they can do anything within myself by force of will alone. From seeing others' successful example, I now know that I was silly to try to take the world on my shoulders and try to deal with my feelings alone without being in a solid place in our relationship first. That was destined for failure.
Anyhow, my girlfriend finally got tired of feeling guilty and so now we're doing a "trial separation" of sorts. I've been living in my friend's basement for a few weeks and we've started seeing a relationship counselor... too early to tell yet if that'll do any good... However, the question of dating came up... Mostly, my girlfriend has just been solo-swinging with my express knowledge and consent, not really looking for any emotional ties, but open to them if they came along... Recently she has said that she's interested in actually dating (more like true poly)... my question is this... How does this work in a poly context... if it were a monogamous relationship it would be typical for people in a trial separation to forgo dating anyone but each other in order to focus on the relationship... We both want to salvage what we can from our relationship and hopefully get back to a good place together, but how does a trial separation work in a poly context? Not that I can feel like I can ask anything of her right now without pushing her farther away... I'm confused and genuinely emotionally tired. Any positive advice is appreciated. Please don't bother to flame me or correct me about swing vs poly... I really don't need the drama and negativity right now. Thanks in advance.

MindMusic

 

[KC43]

As with anything in polyamory--or monogamy, for that matter--what works best is what works FOR YOU.

There is no typical. People aren't "typical", they're unique. And therefore each relationship is unique. There might be similarities, but there's no right or wrong way to do things. All that matters is what works best for the people directly involved.

If you want to ask her to hold off on dating others until the two of you are either in a better space or have decided that isn't going to happen, ask her. The worst she can do is say no.

You have the right to ask for what you need and want in order to get through this process. By the same token, she has the right to refuse your request. But you'll never know unless you actually ask.

Personally, I would say that dating others during a trial separation might have a negative impact on the time and energy someone's willing to put into repairing the separated relationship. If it were me, I would not be comfortable with my partner doing this, nor would I. (I've been known to cancel dates or even evenings out with platonic friends if things between Hubby and me aren't on an even keel, because I prefer to keep my marriage together.) But that doesn't mean anything's being done "wrong" in your situation; your girlfriend isn't me and I'm not her, so she might be able to emotionally juggle dating others while trying to fix things with you.

And as far as comparing mono to poly, I've known several monogamous couples who did the trial separation thing and dated others during that time.

 

[GalaGirl]

I am sorry you struggle.

Since you are seeing a counselor, could you get an appointment alone? And lay out those concerns and questions and get professional input for how to approach talking openly with your gf?

I could be wrong... But going from your post to me you seem to think that you feeling something and asking something "makes her" do to stuff. Rather than it coming from her own willingness and her own ability to handle things.

I think you are always free to ask. That is your behavior under your control.

I think she is free to agree or not agree to meeting your request. Her response is her behavior under her control.

How you guys want to be during the separation is something you guys design the agreements for. Maybe with the counselor's help?

Hang in there!

Galagirl

 

[kdt26417]

Hi MindMusic,

I don't know that there are any general poly rules about whether "outside dating" is okay during a trial separation. It sounds like you're not comfortable with your girlfriend dating others at this time, and you could express that discomfort to your girlfriend. I don't know whether this is something she'll be willing to bend on. Maybe she'd be willing to cut down on the outside dating if not cut it out completely?

A compromise seems like a good idea to me because then it isn't just one of you throwing yourself on the altar of the other person. You'll have to see what you can work out.

Sorry you guys are on rocky ground at the moment.

 

[JaneQSmythe]

if it were a monogamous relationship it would be typical for people in a trial separation to forgo dating anyone but each other in order to focus on the relationship...

Is that actually typical? My, uninformed, impression of a "trial separation" is that people are seeing what it is like to NOT be together - and whether they are happier being apart than being together. Which would include being free to see other people.

Your gf got "tired of feeling guilty" and now you are in a trial separation, so she doesn't have to feel guilty? BUT, if she not dating/seeing others then there would not be anything to "feel guilty" about, so what, exactly, would be the point of separating? You said that she had "one foot out the door" already (which, as you have noted, is a BAD place to start the poly experiment). Now, she's got both feet, one arm, and half her torso out the door...so it seems to me that she has even less incentive to restrict herself (when she was already "feeling stifled and needed freedom")

This may not be what you want to hear but it seems like one of those "if you love them, set them free" scenarios. She MAY sow her wild oats and decide that life with you (monogamously) is happier-making in the long run than dating around. This could take weeks/months/years - or NEVER happen. If she DOES "come back" then it is up to you to decide if you really want to be in a relationship with HER...

There's another active thread here (different situation) about dating while separated.(thread link)
- don't know if any of the posts there might help.

Disclaimer: I have ZERO experience with this...I have never "broken up with"/"separated from" anyone. I've been "in love" exactly twice - these two boys.