thebizarre
New member
I'm new here and one of the reasons I decided to join this site is because I'm nearing the end of a relationship - I have very little hope of things working out, so this isn't a "should we break up" type post. I just need to vent, clear my head, and prepare myself.
A bit of background, I'm female, and I've been in a relationship with a woman for three years. About a year ago, I met a guy (online) who lives in another state. For the first six months or so, we were friends... I just didn't see things working out because of the distance. But the heart is a tricky thing, and before I knew it, we were in love, and he was making plans to come visit me. Before him, I'd only dated, but nothing serious. He was the first person I'd fallen in love with since my primary partner.
His first visit - magical is the only way I can describe it. But even then, I should have seen the warning signs. When I introduced him to my partner for the first time, he started behaving very strangely - being distant, not talking much, hanging back when we were out together.
I questioned him about it later, and that's when he admitted to me that he had doubts. He wasn't sure if a long distance relationship could work, and didn't know if he could "get into" being poly. Naturally, I felt betrayed, because he seemed perfectly fine with it before.
Long story short, we decided that since we were so in love and should give things a fair shot. Relocation to his state was a very real possibility for me, as I'm not particularly fond of where I live. The only real obstacle left was whether we could make a poly relationship work.
After his visit, I flew out to see him a few weeks later. This time around, it wasn't "magical." We had fun, and we cohabited beautifully, but the spark of passion was just dead. Furthermore, I didn't like where he lived as much as another city I'd been considering moving. So essentially, if I moved there, it would be primarily to be closer to him, something I'm not entirely comfortable with.
During my stay, my intuition kept nagging me that something was "off." In fact, I'd been feeling that way for the weeks leading up to the visit to him, but I tried to shake it off. While I was there, I didn't meet many of his friends, no one in his family, and he really just seemed distant. I also found out that he was into harder drugs, and had more than a few personality quirks that I didn't like.
When I returned home, we had a long phone conversation, and I told him things felt different. He admitted that he is convinced that a poly relationship could never work for him. He said that he wanted me to break up with my girlfriend and be with him, which I told him wasn't going to happen. The conversation ended on a rather indecisive note.
After letting my emotions settle, and taking a logical, rational look at things, I've decided to end the relationship. He's not poly, wants me to leave my partner, lives very far away in a place that I couldn't see myself living in, and intuitively, I feel "off" about him. Add the stress of relocating to another state, establishing a new relationship, and trying to make a poly relationship work with someone who's against the entire concept, and I can hear thunder rolling in the distance.
Logic aside, it hurts. A small part of me wonders if maybe, just maybe things could work out. Am I making a mistake by leaving him? I want things to work so badly, but my heart and my head clearly disagree. Although he isn't perfect, this guy has been there for me through dark times. He "gets" me like no one ever had other. He supports and inspires me. He's ambitious, driven, sensitive, and thoughtful. He's made sacrifices for me. I know that he loves me, and I him, but dragging this relationship out is only going to prolong the inevitable.
We've discussed "staying together to see how things work out," and he mentioned seeing other people for the first time, but he isn't poly. I don't want to feel like I'm being put on standby while he waits for something better to come along. I love him enough to do the right thing and free him to find someone who wants the same things out of love and life as he does.
I'm in therapy, and I plan to talk to my therapist before I break up with him. Any thoughts, ideas, criticism etc is welcomed and appreciated. I just need some objective opinions from people who are experienced with these kinds of relationships and situations. Thanks for reading this. Sorry for any typos, I'm short on time and can't proofread.
A bit of background, I'm female, and I've been in a relationship with a woman for three years. About a year ago, I met a guy (online) who lives in another state. For the first six months or so, we were friends... I just didn't see things working out because of the distance. But the heart is a tricky thing, and before I knew it, we were in love, and he was making plans to come visit me. Before him, I'd only dated, but nothing serious. He was the first person I'd fallen in love with since my primary partner.
His first visit - magical is the only way I can describe it. But even then, I should have seen the warning signs. When I introduced him to my partner for the first time, he started behaving very strangely - being distant, not talking much, hanging back when we were out together.
I questioned him about it later, and that's when he admitted to me that he had doubts. He wasn't sure if a long distance relationship could work, and didn't know if he could "get into" being poly. Naturally, I felt betrayed, because he seemed perfectly fine with it before.
Long story short, we decided that since we were so in love and should give things a fair shot. Relocation to his state was a very real possibility for me, as I'm not particularly fond of where I live. The only real obstacle left was whether we could make a poly relationship work.
After his visit, I flew out to see him a few weeks later. This time around, it wasn't "magical." We had fun, and we cohabited beautifully, but the spark of passion was just dead. Furthermore, I didn't like where he lived as much as another city I'd been considering moving. So essentially, if I moved there, it would be primarily to be closer to him, something I'm not entirely comfortable with.
During my stay, my intuition kept nagging me that something was "off." In fact, I'd been feeling that way for the weeks leading up to the visit to him, but I tried to shake it off. While I was there, I didn't meet many of his friends, no one in his family, and he really just seemed distant. I also found out that he was into harder drugs, and had more than a few personality quirks that I didn't like.
When I returned home, we had a long phone conversation, and I told him things felt different. He admitted that he is convinced that a poly relationship could never work for him. He said that he wanted me to break up with my girlfriend and be with him, which I told him wasn't going to happen. The conversation ended on a rather indecisive note.
After letting my emotions settle, and taking a logical, rational look at things, I've decided to end the relationship. He's not poly, wants me to leave my partner, lives very far away in a place that I couldn't see myself living in, and intuitively, I feel "off" about him. Add the stress of relocating to another state, establishing a new relationship, and trying to make a poly relationship work with someone who's against the entire concept, and I can hear thunder rolling in the distance.
Logic aside, it hurts. A small part of me wonders if maybe, just maybe things could work out. Am I making a mistake by leaving him? I want things to work so badly, but my heart and my head clearly disagree. Although he isn't perfect, this guy has been there for me through dark times. He "gets" me like no one ever had other. He supports and inspires me. He's ambitious, driven, sensitive, and thoughtful. He's made sacrifices for me. I know that he loves me, and I him, but dragging this relationship out is only going to prolong the inevitable.
We've discussed "staying together to see how things work out," and he mentioned seeing other people for the first time, but he isn't poly. I don't want to feel like I'm being put on standby while he waits for something better to come along. I love him enough to do the right thing and free him to find someone who wants the same things out of love and life as he does.
I'm in therapy, and I plan to talk to my therapist before I break up with him. Any thoughts, ideas, criticism etc is welcomed and appreciated. I just need some objective opinions from people who are experienced with these kinds of relationships and situations. Thanks for reading this. Sorry for any typos, I'm short on time and can't proofread.
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