Envy and Communication

J

jayblue122

Member
Hi me and my partner Elizabeth are relatively new to polly.

She has had crushes, but has yet to meet someone. I on the other hand have been seeing this guy Ian for about a month. This has been fine. Elizabeth doesn't want details -- just a "I went out with X and had fun"... So that has been working so far. She has been rather envious of the fact that I have an easier time finding people than she does. She really wants to find another partner...

Then today my friend Ash told me that they had a crush on me. I was like "ok, cool" and that was that. As it is I have no intent to act on it but I cannot preclude the possibility of developing feelings. As such I thought it would be appropriate to tell Elizabeth what happened- but keep it short, as I said she doesn't like details. I didn't want to hide anything from her. Open and Honest right?

So I kept it short "Ash told me they have a crush on me, and I don't plan to act on it but I thought you should know", but then she got pissed. "Well then why are you telling me? Are you trying to rub it in my face!?"

I just don't know what to do with this. I do not know how we are supposed to make this work if we do not communicate-- I can understand that she wants to deal with her feelings of jealousy on her own, but I need her to talk to me. I hate keeping secrets. How can I get her to talk to me? Any suggestions on ways to help her deal with her jealousy? or help/encourage her deal with it? (She has a habit of bottling her own feelings) Was I wrong to tell her what Ash told me? Am I over reacting? How can I communicate with her without triggering her envy? is that impossible?
 
I don't think you're overreacting. Polyshipping requires a lot of communication, and it sounds like that's hard for Elizabeth. I agree that it was a good idea to let her know about Ash.

Have you talked to her about how it's hard to talk to her? That you want to respect her decision to process things on her own, but that you still think it's important to talk? It makes me think about a suggestion GalaGirl once gave me about a bubble map. Being able to sit down and talk about what specific issues that need to be discussed, rather than going on tangents. You can read her post (look back at my posts related to Poly but struggling for more information, but the concept is sitting down and talking to her about what are the issues. Stuff like envy might be different than stuff about you and Ash. Your communication is key, which sounds like is difficult for Elizabeth. So much of communication is based on understanding where the other person is coming from, so an explicit conversation about how this is hard for her to talk about sounds in order.

I'm sorry this is hard for you. Envy is a common emotion and it sounds like Elizabeth has been dealing with this on her own. Maybe just letting her know that it's okay to talk about envious feelings and what her fears are about talking about this. Good luck!
 
You guys do not sound like you have information management boundaries. Like what is "news worthy" to her and what is "don't bother me with it" for guidelines. Elizabeth seems to want you to mind reader her a bit. You seem to want to know what the guidelines actually ARE with her... and not knowing them you default to "open and honest" to the point of telling every little thing.

So far I guess she wants "Tell me minimal details, only if it is a dating partner." Using that guideline? Ash having a crush? You have no intentions to act? That would be "not newsworthy" because Ash is not a dating partner or about to become one. Ergo -- not a threat to the system.

I think you could check in with her on that to be sure, and then let it go as something new learned. That's the short term thing.

Medium term? Be a whole lot easier for her to think and articulate what her information boundaries are than to have you guys stumble upon them. That seems to upset both of you. But if she doesn't know until they trigger her -- "stumble upon" is going to be the only way you both discover what they are. Both maintaining a good attitude when things bump like that could help.

Long term? The "threat" thing could be addressed. I could be totally wrong in this... but is she wanting another partner to polyship with or another partner as "back up in case JayBlue122 dumps me?" So she's wigging out because she has no backup partner, and here you are telling her all your dating news -- which increases her perceived threat?

Back in your other post you wrote

The most I have gotten from her is that she feels somewhat jealous that I have found a partner and she hasn't. She also said she feels replaceable and scared of losing me, but wants me to be happy and doesn't want to limit me
Click to expand...

So I think that whole "replaceable" thing could be at play here:

  • She doesn't want to articulate her personal boundaries and limits, in case you dump her because she's too limiting.
  • At the same time living with boundaries unstated while you date is uncomfortable for her because then you are telling her stuff she doesn't want to know cranking up her fear you will run off with one of the dating partners.
  • Either way -- she feels screwed.

Is that it? :confused:

Like I said, I could be wrong, but ask her point blank is that anywhere near the ball park.

You seem to be on this "discovery" mode -- and maybe you want to share the happenings and feelings you have on that track. You might want to share it with other people for a while in this transitional time. Elizabeth seems to want her transitional time to not be so upheaval-ish. That isn't "keeping secrets" -- that's thinking about what each one of you needs in this transition time, and how to get it without driving each other bonkers Perhaps in time as she settles in you can share more with her as her comfort level increases. Talk and sort that out.

Galagirl
 
Last edited:
Hi jayblue122,

Although this is not a happy thought, I'm afraid you'll have to learn by trial and error how much information is too much information for Elizabeth to handle. I think we can safely assume she doesn't want to know about mere crushes unless something actually develops from them.

Have I already posted my list of jealousy-related links to you? I can't remember. I can post them again if you want.

Is it possible that Elizabeth just needs to vent? that she needs you to hear her anger, and comfort her with acceptance? "I hear that this is very frustrating for you, maybe painful too. I want you to know that I care about you and that I want to help." Something along those lines.
 
jayblue122 said:
I just don't know what to do with this. I do not know how we are supposed to make this work if we do not communicate-- I can understand that she wants to deal with her feelings of jealousy on her own, but I need her to talk to me. I hate keeping secrets. How can I get her to talk to me?
Click to expand...

People deal with this stuff in different ways and it's been my personal experience that the one who really needs to talk is going to annoy the PISS out of the person who doesn't. I realize that isn't very encouraging for you, but you don't get to change how she deals with her need to exchange information any more than she gets to change how you deal with yours. All you can do is make yourself available and let her know in the least obtrusive way possible that you are available... and then let her alone.

jayblue122 said:
Any suggestions on ways to help her deal with her jealousy? or help/encourage her deal with it? (She has a habit of bottling her own feelings)
Click to expand...

More of the above. You deal with your feelings and let her deal with hers. You're an adult, so is she. If she needs help then offer it freely and without judgment... otherwise you are not her shrink or her priest and I'd suggest not stepping into that position unsolicited (but that's just me).

jayblue122 said:
Was I wrong to tell her what Ash told me? Am I over reacting? How can I communicate with her without triggering her envy? is that impossible?
Click to expand...

One way or the other you're going to have to find out from her what is and isn't info she wants to hear. You can't just be walking around wondering if you're about to step on a landmine every time you have a new piece of information. If you guys are going to make this work you've got to be able to have a calm and civil conversation with her about what she does and doesn't want to hear about what's going on with you.

I get that she's feeling insecure, but you can't be doing this kind of guess work for her... certainly not when the alternative is to get yelled at for guessing incorrectly. Remember, calm and civil... it is for both of your sake.

"Hey babe, I'd like to get a better idea of what you do and don't want to hear regarding what's happening with me." It doesn't have to be rocket science, just get it out there.
 
How did you approach her and inform her about this crush that Ash has on you?

Was it done in a way that might've sounded like a Very Important Announcement, accompanied with neon signs flashing "THIS IS A BIG DEAL," or did you offhandedly tell her in the context of a natural conversation ("oh yeah, Ash was so cute today - he told me he has a crush on me, got all shy about it, blablabla... so, did you see the new whatever store they just opened on Main Street? Blablabla...")? Announcing it like it was a really BFD might've come across bashing her on the head with this information. You know what I mean?

It's like this: We think to ourselves, "Oh, here's a new development, but I shouldn't keep it to myself, I need to share it with my partner, mustn't hide things from them..." and we walk over to them the first chance we get and make sure we deliver this communication, feeling like we're doing our solemn duty as a true and good partner, but... instead of focusing on the person we want to communicate with, we are focused on this task we've given ourselves. Essentially we are living in our heads and no longer present. We haven't checked in with them to gauge what kind of space they're in, or we have some fear about how they will take the news, or we really think it is a big deal, and we have to say this thing or else (or so we believe), so perhaps we blurt out the message in a very insensitive or unwelcome way.

And then we wonder why the person is like, "Did I really need to hear that right now?!?!"
 
Last edited:
Not to hijack the thread, but what Marcus and NYCindie wrote is striking a chord with me. Over sharing probably didn't help with my marriage and its break-up. My then wife complained once "you always want to DISCUSS everything". I thought that's what intimacy was....

I guess NYCindie might be right... Preparing your partner a bit beforehand might be do some good.
 
Well now you know that she doesn't want to be privy to that info best to not tell her about stuff like that. I prefer not hearing about women hitting on sam. As far as they know he's a monogamous man with a girlfriend so to me, for a woman to be so brazen as to ask him out, touch him, proposition him etc is extremely disrespectful to me. It's something I need to know about so he should not be telling me
 
Thank you for the feedback everyone it is really appreciated. You gave me a lot to think about. I talked with her and I think I have a better idea of her feelings now.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top