miamikicks27
New member
Hello everyone,
First and foremost, I want to say thank you for all those who contribute to this community. Many of you are pioneers and role models for people like me who just started getting into polyamory. You have all truly paved the path for us and I have learned a lot from many of you.
So here is my situation. I am a 33 y/o male married to my wife (7 years together, 1 year married). Over the last 6 - 8 months, I told her I was*bisexual. I never told her that before we married I had some casual hook ups with multiple men. I was basically very repressed but I had a moment of clarity and basically decided to live an honest life being who I am.
On the Kinsey scale, I rate 2.4. All of my relationships have been with women. Four serious relationships and male encounters accounted for less than 20 % of my total sexual partners throughout my life.
I never cheated on my wife and when I told her she was very understanding and SOMEWHAT open to exploring MMF or MFM further. I have told her my entire past. She is more incidentally homosexual, around 1.4 and never been with a woman and only has fleeting thoughts. She is more inclined to include a male vs a female.
During this time, I probably have consumed over 4 books on a polyamorous lifestyle, to include the big ones like The Ethical Slut and Opening up. I’ve read a ton of posts on forums like this one, scoured Google, etc. I’ve done many of the written activities in the books I read myself and really understand myself more than I have in my entire life.
I’ve also joined FetLife and just viewed a bunch of bi dating sites and craigslist ads. Never contacting anyone, just looking. My wife is aware of these activities as I am not trying to do anything behind her back just looking around.
My wife has expressed *SOME* interest but she is hesitant, understandably. She says “when i get in a relationship, I give everything” and she is afraid what that will do to our relationship. One of my fears is losing her totally but from what I understand when entering this lifestyle is that you must be courageous and I am willing to take the chance. Quite frankly, the status quo won’t work for me long term (maybe for her) because I would probably end up being with another male behind her back and everything thats associated with not being honest. I don’t want to live like that.
We’ve discussed possible scenarios and at least initially she would like to make the encounters less emotional and more physical, which I can deal with since in the past thats all I did with males (physical). I DO have a desire of being somewhat committed or a full relationship with a male vs something casual but I am ok with limits initially. I have made it clear to her about my true desires (she started crying) but as I stated her fundamental fear of her “getting emotionally connected to someone” is very strong and at that moment I agreed a casual encounter is fine.
In the ideal circumstance we would be a triad (all 3 of us love each other) but I know that the unicorn scenario is not easy as the relationships may not evolve the same. I told her to conserve our energy and time we can limit partners to 4 total (including us two) in whatever way it unfolds (although my preference is that we all play together).
I understand that when you start, the direction we expect it to flow may in fact be the opposite. We won’t know until we get there of course.
My wife has tried to understand and learn more about this, but she has not put effort into reading the one book (Opening up) I asked her to, although she wants to, but is overall not a huge reader. We have also started to read the book together but the frequency of reading is very low as we may be tired from work or she may not be in the mood.
Usually I initiate all conversations regarding this topic and she participates but I am getting frustrated with being the initiatior. I have come off as “talking about it too much” per her own words. Early on, I talked about it everyday but I have found myself only discussing it 1x a week for fear of being too “overwhelming” (her words).
Its like I am walking on eggshells but my desires are wild intense flames at times.
One of the things I read is to allow 1 year BEFORE doing anything to allow for the relationship to adjust and for us to learn about this lifestyle. I am fine with that. Although I am not the most patience I do have it. What I am frustrated with is the lack of initiative on her end overall.
Recently, we were on tumblr looking at naked men and she commented with me on the ones she liked vs did not. I saved some pictures over the next week or so and the last time she told me she was not in the mood to look at more pictures of men (although she was interested initially). The next week I did want to show her 15 pics of men but her dismissal hurts and quite frankly I don’t feel that 1 minute of her time about her opinion (although she later expressed stills do nothing for her) on something is too much to ask.
I’ve always been an aggressive and someone impulse person, but I don’t feel impulsitivity is playing a role here now. Our sex drives are mismatched as my libido and desire for kink is usually extremely high. She tends to have a lower libido overall and less creative with sex. I understand that I can’t change her libido, and I frankly have needs that she can’t fill (aside from the fact that I have attraction to men).
One thing I asked her, many months ago, is to use a toy on me anally. She never once made the initiative to do it although I stated my desires many many many many times. I even told her I “needed” it. Recently she did it but I basically had to tell her to do it during the actual act.
I guess in this long rant I am trying to get some advice. Any advice. I have nobody to turn to in real life, as she does not want to participate in any social events (for now) where similar people hang out.
Thanks in advance for your responses and sorry for the lengthy post but I really wanted to lay out everything a clear manner.
First and foremost, I want to say thank you for all those who contribute to this community. Many of you are pioneers and role models for people like me who just started getting into polyamory. You have all truly paved the path for us and I have learned a lot from many of you.
So here is my situation. I am a 33 y/o male married to my wife (7 years together, 1 year married). Over the last 6 - 8 months, I told her I was*bisexual. I never told her that before we married I had some casual hook ups with multiple men. I was basically very repressed but I had a moment of clarity and basically decided to live an honest life being who I am.
On the Kinsey scale, I rate 2.4. All of my relationships have been with women. Four serious relationships and male encounters accounted for less than 20 % of my total sexual partners throughout my life.
I never cheated on my wife and when I told her she was very understanding and SOMEWHAT open to exploring MMF or MFM further. I have told her my entire past. She is more incidentally homosexual, around 1.4 and never been with a woman and only has fleeting thoughts. She is more inclined to include a male vs a female.
During this time, I probably have consumed over 4 books on a polyamorous lifestyle, to include the big ones like The Ethical Slut and Opening up. I’ve read a ton of posts on forums like this one, scoured Google, etc. I’ve done many of the written activities in the books I read myself and really understand myself more than I have in my entire life.
I’ve also joined FetLife and just viewed a bunch of bi dating sites and craigslist ads. Never contacting anyone, just looking. My wife is aware of these activities as I am not trying to do anything behind her back just looking around.
My wife has expressed *SOME* interest but she is hesitant, understandably. She says “when i get in a relationship, I give everything” and she is afraid what that will do to our relationship. One of my fears is losing her totally but from what I understand when entering this lifestyle is that you must be courageous and I am willing to take the chance. Quite frankly, the status quo won’t work for me long term (maybe for her) because I would probably end up being with another male behind her back and everything thats associated with not being honest. I don’t want to live like that.
We’ve discussed possible scenarios and at least initially she would like to make the encounters less emotional and more physical, which I can deal with since in the past thats all I did with males (physical). I DO have a desire of being somewhat committed or a full relationship with a male vs something casual but I am ok with limits initially. I have made it clear to her about my true desires (she started crying) but as I stated her fundamental fear of her “getting emotionally connected to someone” is very strong and at that moment I agreed a casual encounter is fine.
In the ideal circumstance we would be a triad (all 3 of us love each other) but I know that the unicorn scenario is not easy as the relationships may not evolve the same. I told her to conserve our energy and time we can limit partners to 4 total (including us two) in whatever way it unfolds (although my preference is that we all play together).
I understand that when you start, the direction we expect it to flow may in fact be the opposite. We won’t know until we get there of course.
My wife has tried to understand and learn more about this, but she has not put effort into reading the one book (Opening up) I asked her to, although she wants to, but is overall not a huge reader. We have also started to read the book together but the frequency of reading is very low as we may be tired from work or she may not be in the mood.
Usually I initiate all conversations regarding this topic and she participates but I am getting frustrated with being the initiatior. I have come off as “talking about it too much” per her own words. Early on, I talked about it everyday but I have found myself only discussing it 1x a week for fear of being too “overwhelming” (her words).
Its like I am walking on eggshells but my desires are wild intense flames at times.
One of the things I read is to allow 1 year BEFORE doing anything to allow for the relationship to adjust and for us to learn about this lifestyle. I am fine with that. Although I am not the most patience I do have it. What I am frustrated with is the lack of initiative on her end overall.
Recently, we were on tumblr looking at naked men and she commented with me on the ones she liked vs did not. I saved some pictures over the next week or so and the last time she told me she was not in the mood to look at more pictures of men (although she was interested initially). The next week I did want to show her 15 pics of men but her dismissal hurts and quite frankly I don’t feel that 1 minute of her time about her opinion (although she later expressed stills do nothing for her) on something is too much to ask.
I’ve always been an aggressive and someone impulse person, but I don’t feel impulsitivity is playing a role here now. Our sex drives are mismatched as my libido and desire for kink is usually extremely high. She tends to have a lower libido overall and less creative with sex. I understand that I can’t change her libido, and I frankly have needs that she can’t fill (aside from the fact that I have attraction to men).
One thing I asked her, many months ago, is to use a toy on me anally. She never once made the initiative to do it although I stated my desires many many many many times. I even told her I “needed” it. Recently she did it but I basically had to tell her to do it during the actual act.
I guess in this long rant I am trying to get some advice. Any advice. I have nobody to turn to in real life, as she does not want to participate in any social events (for now) where similar people hang out.
Thanks in advance for your responses and sorry for the lengthy post but I really wanted to lay out everything a clear manner.
