palimpsest
New member
Hey. New here, but I had a situation which I wanted to get more poly perspective on, as I don't know whether my reaction is unreasonable & could use some input.
So, my boyfriend (let's call him Alistair) & I are in a poly-ish relationship. We're both bi, but I don't have other relationships with other men, while he (at present) has only had other relationships with other women. So I end up kinda feeling like I'm more mono than he is, & I'm insecure about the fact that I might be overreacting when I feel like one of the women he has a relationship with (but who doesn't know me) seems like she's overstepping a boundary.
The particular situation that I'm struggling with presently is one of his past relationships that he's trying to remain a friendship with—the two of us were broken up for about six months in 2013, & during that time he was involved with this woman (let's call her Sophie). He broke up with Sophie several weeks before he got back together with me, which was almost a year ago, & she wasn't particularly happy about it. They've only seen each other once since the break up (over the summer), but talk online most days.
She’s ostensibly poly, but seems incapable of handling the fact that he sees other women; she's established that she doesn't want to know about anybody else he's involved with (which was a rule when they were dating as well), although she's particularly clear on that point when I'm involved. I have never met her & although I think it would be tremendously helpful to the situation if she DID meet me, she won't even consider it. She HATES me; I suspect because she's projecting the anger over the break up onto me because she'd rather use a stranger as a scapegoat than confront the fact that she's angry at Alistair.
Okay, so this is kind of a ridiculous reason to be arguing about boundaries, but here's the situation: over the holidays, some photos of me & Alistair got uploaded to Facebook, & Sophie verbally abused Alistair for hours for "not giving her any warning." He agreed to respect her wishes & warn her whenever he knew photos would be uploaded. A few days later, I uploaded a few photos & made sure he warned her before I did; she seemed fine. Yesterday, I happened to notice that he'd not only warned her, but actually hidden the photos from his Facebook, so she couldn't even see them if she wanted to. I confronted Alistair about it, & he told me he'd hidden them anyway because he wanted to have a week where Sophie didn't pick a fight with him.
I was upset because there are very few photos of Alistair & me on Facebook in spite of us having been together for five years, so it made me happy that they were uploaded, & I was hurt that he hid them to humour an ex-girlfriend because he's trying to protect himself from her blowing up at him.
My thinking about the situation is he's only giving her the message that it is acceptable behaviour to be dictating his actions through emotional manipulation (= threat of blowing up at him for hours), & that this is a lost opportunity to institute a boundary—it’s not like the photos that were uploaded are even particularly inflammatory; we're just literally in the same frame—we're not even touching.
It’s clear to me that she still has VERY strong feelings about him even a year after the break up, & her unmitigated animosity towards me makes me really uncomfortable. Alistair keeps making excuses for her—she has a history of abusive relationships, he feels guilty about her falling so hard for him, she needs to find a new therapist, she has anger management problems—but also says things like "It’s not my problem; she has to work through that, & if her blowing up at me is part of that process, I can handle it."—except it's clear to me that it’s emotionally exhausting for him to be her punching bag (why else would he go the extra mile to avoid provoking her?), & I feel like sweeping the issue under the rug is only dragging out the inevitable explosion.
He's trying to be a good friend to her, but I think his actions on account of that haven't been sending her a clear enough message that the relationship is over. She's still acting like she's dating him a year after the break up. She's clearly still very much in love with him. (He's still sexually interested in her, but isn't interested in being more than friends with benefits.)
I know negotiating all this is a continual learning process, but it seems like we're missing an opportunity to learn a difficult lesson here.
(I'm aware I have some trust issues with Alistair, which we're working through gradually, & this situation is triggering those trust issues to come to the fore—I'm completely aware that I may be overstepping my bounds, but I don't have any problem with the more emotionally-mature women he's involved with, so it makes me wonder why the situation with Sophie is upsetting me so much, & the only key difference I can identify is her animosity towards me & how he lets her get away with emotionally abusing him because he thinks that's what he needs to do to prove to her he's her friend.)
Perspective? Thoughts? Am I overreacting? I'm happy to answer any clarifying questions.
So, my boyfriend (let's call him Alistair) & I are in a poly-ish relationship. We're both bi, but I don't have other relationships with other men, while he (at present) has only had other relationships with other women. So I end up kinda feeling like I'm more mono than he is, & I'm insecure about the fact that I might be overreacting when I feel like one of the women he has a relationship with (but who doesn't know me) seems like she's overstepping a boundary.
The particular situation that I'm struggling with presently is one of his past relationships that he's trying to remain a friendship with—the two of us were broken up for about six months in 2013, & during that time he was involved with this woman (let's call her Sophie). He broke up with Sophie several weeks before he got back together with me, which was almost a year ago, & she wasn't particularly happy about it. They've only seen each other once since the break up (over the summer), but talk online most days.
She’s ostensibly poly, but seems incapable of handling the fact that he sees other women; she's established that she doesn't want to know about anybody else he's involved with (which was a rule when they were dating as well), although she's particularly clear on that point when I'm involved. I have never met her & although I think it would be tremendously helpful to the situation if she DID meet me, she won't even consider it. She HATES me; I suspect because she's projecting the anger over the break up onto me because she'd rather use a stranger as a scapegoat than confront the fact that she's angry at Alistair.
Okay, so this is kind of a ridiculous reason to be arguing about boundaries, but here's the situation: over the holidays, some photos of me & Alistair got uploaded to Facebook, & Sophie verbally abused Alistair for hours for "not giving her any warning." He agreed to respect her wishes & warn her whenever he knew photos would be uploaded. A few days later, I uploaded a few photos & made sure he warned her before I did; she seemed fine. Yesterday, I happened to notice that he'd not only warned her, but actually hidden the photos from his Facebook, so she couldn't even see them if she wanted to. I confronted Alistair about it, & he told me he'd hidden them anyway because he wanted to have a week where Sophie didn't pick a fight with him.
I was upset because there are very few photos of Alistair & me on Facebook in spite of us having been together for five years, so it made me happy that they were uploaded, & I was hurt that he hid them to humour an ex-girlfriend because he's trying to protect himself from her blowing up at him.
My thinking about the situation is he's only giving her the message that it is acceptable behaviour to be dictating his actions through emotional manipulation (= threat of blowing up at him for hours), & that this is a lost opportunity to institute a boundary—it’s not like the photos that were uploaded are even particularly inflammatory; we're just literally in the same frame—we're not even touching.
It’s clear to me that she still has VERY strong feelings about him even a year after the break up, & her unmitigated animosity towards me makes me really uncomfortable. Alistair keeps making excuses for her—she has a history of abusive relationships, he feels guilty about her falling so hard for him, she needs to find a new therapist, she has anger management problems—but also says things like "It’s not my problem; she has to work through that, & if her blowing up at me is part of that process, I can handle it."—except it's clear to me that it’s emotionally exhausting for him to be her punching bag (why else would he go the extra mile to avoid provoking her?), & I feel like sweeping the issue under the rug is only dragging out the inevitable explosion.
He's trying to be a good friend to her, but I think his actions on account of that haven't been sending her a clear enough message that the relationship is over. She's still acting like she's dating him a year after the break up. She's clearly still very much in love with him. (He's still sexually interested in her, but isn't interested in being more than friends with benefits.)
I know negotiating all this is a continual learning process, but it seems like we're missing an opportunity to learn a difficult lesson here.
(I'm aware I have some trust issues with Alistair, which we're working through gradually, & this situation is triggering those trust issues to come to the fore—I'm completely aware that I may be overstepping my bounds, but I don't have any problem with the more emotionally-mature women he's involved with, so it makes me wonder why the situation with Sophie is upsetting me so much, & the only key difference I can identify is her animosity towards me & how he lets her get away with emotionally abusing him because he thinks that's what he needs to do to prove to her he's her friend.)
Perspective? Thoughts? Am I overreacting? I'm happy to answer any clarifying questions.
