Triad may end in divorce...

J

joewinter

New member
My wife and i have been married for 5 years. We have 2 year old twins and a life established.

For a year i tried to convince her to have a girl join us in our relationship. I've had problems with my wife for about a year now. Because she refused to make any attempts to find a girl in the relationship i did something horrible: i cheated on her worth a coworker.

After a month, my Co worker and i fell in love and were planning on leaving our spouses for one another. My wife snooped through my phone just two days before her birthday to find my Google searches for divorce. I had to come clean to her about my intention to leave her.

She agreed to share me along with the other woman. Long story short, the two of them developed their own affection for eachother. But now, after a month, the other girl and i have decided we simply don't want my wife to be involved with us :(

I can't handle the anxiety and pressure of divorcing her. I'm in a pickle, but i know i would ultimately be happier with our gf.

Do i go the selfish route or sacrifice my happiness?
 
Wow. There is so much wrong with this entire situation I can't even begin to sympathize with it.

Hopefully, someone with a more politic response and a way forward for you that is healthy for you, your children, and especially you wife, will respond.



joewinter said:
My wife and i have been married for 5 years. We have 2 year old twins and a life established.

For a year i tried to convince her to have a girl join us in our relationship. I've had problems with my wife for about a year now. Because she refused to make any attempts to find a girl in the relationship i did something horrible: i cheated on her worth a coworker.

After a month, my Co worker and i fell in love and were planning on leaving our spouses for one another. My wife snooped through my phone just two days before her birthday to find my Google searches for divorce. I had to come clean to her about my intention to leave her.

She agreed to share me along with the other woman. Long story short, the two of them developed their own affection for eachother. But now, after a month, the other girl and i have decided we simply don't want my wife to be involved with us :(

I can't handle the anxiety and pressure of divorcing her. I'm in a pickle, but i know i would ultimately be happier with our gf.

Do i go the selfish route or sacrifice my happiness?
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Hi joewinter,

I must confess I'm a little confused. Why don't you want your wife to be involved? Couldn't you have an MFF triad where all three of you were romantically involved with each other? That sounds pretty good to me; there's a lot of people out there who wish they had that kind of triad.

Your wife has been very generous in accepting a poly relationship when for such a long time that was hard for her to do. I know by experience that it can easily take at least a year for a monogamous person to accept a poly arrangement. And your wife accepted it after finding out you were involved with your coworker behind her back. Your wife did you a solid.

Are there bad things your wife does that you didn't mention in your post? She must be a pretty intolerable person for you to want to divorce her even at this juncture. Can't you get a poly-friendly therapist and get therapy as a triad? Divorce seems like such an extreme measure to me, given what I know so far.
 
Thank you for your help kdt.

The problem with my wife is that she is painfully boring. She has no interest in anything.

That's starting to sink in for our gf and she told me she doesn't know how long she can put on an act for her :/ That's what happened to be after being with her for 10 years (married 5)

I know i should keep up the triad but i really don't want to lose our gf because of her. We are deeply in love and far more compatible :/

I should've never tried to use polyamory as a band aid for our marriage :(
 
Wow aren't you a peach...
 
It's clear what you want: to be in a relationship with your new girlfriend. I suggest you follow your gut instinct and put your wife out of her misery immediately. Often people are 'boring' because they are 'bored'. Just saying. She may well share your dissatisfaction in the current status quo, and whilst you say you don't have the stomach for divorce, you do not really seem to be feeling either love or respect for your wife right now, so I'd encourage you to walk away. She deserves more than what you can offer her right now, and you seem clear on the path that will bring you greater happiness too.
 
Hey joe,

I'm thinking you are under the spell of NRE, and it is making your girlfriend look a lot better to you than your wife. Before your involvement with your girlfriend, I'm guessing you had a better view of your wife than you do now.

There's nothing wrong with NRE per se, and nothing wrong with your girlfriend either (as far as I know), but, you need to cut your wife some slack while taking that NRE into account. She's not boring, she just seems boring compared to your girlfriend. NRE makes people see things through those kinds of lenses.

They say NRE usually lasts between six and 24 months. If you can endure the boredom for that long, you're likely to find that your wife is looking better to you again.

All that aside, boredom (even painful boredom) doesn't seem to me like an adequate justification for getting a divorce. Now it might be a good reason to get some marital counseling, and that's why I suggested that in my earlier post. Don't divorce your wife. Get counseling instead.

Why does your girlfriend think she has to put on an act for your wife?
 
Because she doesn't love her like she loves me and can tell her feelings for her are going to fade soon :/

My wife has always been quite boring. She's a great human being but isn't into anything and have much of a personality.

I was thinking, i can always have a V triad. I know there will be a lot of scheduling conflict but hell.
 
Absolutely there can be a V triad. I am in a V myself, and am quite happy with the arrangement.

So your wife must have her good points, otherwise you couldn't say she was a great human being. Do you encourage her to do stuff with you? think of something that would be fun to do, and then invite her along? How does she respond to such invitations?

Does she mind being by herself sometimes? If not, then you and your girlfriend should have opportunities to spend time together.

There is hope, you don't need to give up so easily. Are you willing to get some counseling? You, you and your wife, or even all three of you? I can give you some links/info for finding poly-friendly therapists if you're interested.
 
Thank you for your help!

I'll take those links, please. I seriously doubt they'll be anybody like that in my town

It's a very conservative city.
 
Wow, given the way you talk about your wife, I think you should end the marriage. How awful it must be for her to be married to you! Be kind. Leave.
 
I am sorry you are struggling. But I think it is appropriate for where you are at.

I think it would have been cleaner to split up as soon as you found out your wife was incompatible than to keep on going through the motions for 10 years. (From the sound of it.) Or to try to convince her to open the marriage so soon after babies. Or to cheat when she was not up for it. Not cool.

But you are where you are now. I think the best thing for all at this point in time is to move closer toward honesty. Carrying on a half hearted V thing just to avoid divorce or assuage guilt is not really being honest.

I suggest you go ahead and divorce and make a fair coparenting plan. Start living life more honestly. Be generous as possible in alimony and child support.

Then you are free to be with your GF and free from marriage you don't really want to be in. If you want to have a V with you as the hinge, that frees you to seek a partner who really wants to be in a V and isn't doing it just to hang on.

Wife too is free from all this and can move on to something more compatible with someone else herself. And better this all be sorted while the twins are young, IMHO.

Galagirl
 
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Your wife is boring and not into anything???

How about caring for toddler twins.

Holy shit fuck, man, I am disgusted.

You cheated on your wife while she was home caring for baby twins??? I can't even...


OK, deep breath. Forming a sexual "triad" by attempting to force sexual romantic feelings between 2 people who really have no interest in each other NEVER WORKS

Polyamory does not mean equal triadic relationships!

You are not poly and neither is your gf. You don't care for your wife, and I question whether you care for your babies. You want to fuck around with the new and shiny gf.

I suggest divorcing your wife asap, she deserves better. And I hope the judge whacks you with a HUGE alimony and childcare settlement.
 
kdt26417 said:
Does she mind being by herself sometimes?
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Does his wife mind being by herself? Kevin, this couple has toddler TWINS. How much time can they have to themselves? Unless they have a TON of family or community or paid support, the wife is living and breathing twin care, food messes, broken sleep, continual clutter and chatter.

If the husband has been having a cheating affair for some time now... he's been doing it at the expense of the mother of his TWIN children's time and effort. Blech. And he admits he demanded his WIFE to find them a "girl to share" and when she didn't, he went ahead and cheated!! Wow. Mind blown.
 
Along with everything Magdlyn, TenK, and others have said, you need to stop blaming everyone else and own your shit.

joewinter said:
For a year i tried to convince her to have a girl join us in our relationship. I've had problems with my wife for about a year now. Because she refused to make any attempts to find a girl in the relationship i did something horrible: i cheated on her worth a coworker.
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You are victim blaming, and putting responsibility for your decisions on your wife. YOU chose to cheat. It was not her job to find you both a girlfriend (and frankly no stable, and poly woman would join your effed up situation anyway), and her not doing so isn't reason for you to cheat. Stop victim blaming.

YOU decided poly was the bandaid for your marital issues, rather than addressing them like an adult. That was YOUR decision, and one your wife was clearly not comfortable with. Should she have outright refused, if she wasn't comfortable? Yes. I am going to take a guess, though, that given what you've said here (if she agreed at all) she agreed under duress, because she didn't want to lose you. Especially not with twin toddlers to take care of. This situation wreaks of emotional blackmail. Yes, that is an assumption on my part, but it fits in pretty solidly with what you've shown us of your personality.

The list goes on.

Take this opportunity to grow up and accept your responsibility for your own actions like an adult, and learn to look at life through lenses of compassion. You ask whether to take the selfish route or stay with your wife. That ship has sailed. You are selfish. Staying with your wife isn't compassionate at this point, either, since you're acting like it makes you some kind of martyr. That will solve exactly nothing, and will cause even bigger issues. As other posters say, find a way to co-parent reasonably with support. And get yourself some counseling.
 
Hi joe,

The links as promised:

And if you can't find a poly-friendly counselor accessible to you, see if you can introduce an open-minded counselor to the idea of poly with the following book:

  • "What Psychology Professionals Should Know about Polyamory," by Geri Weitzman, Ph.D., Joy Davidson, Ph.D., and Robert A. Phillips, Jr., Ph.D.
I'm not ready to give up on your marriage, but I am concerned that your wife is getting the short end of the stick. I'm hoping a good counselor can help clear up the issues and point the way to a better future (for all three of you and the twins).

When you say your wife is boring, I wonder if the truth is that she is depressed, and perhaps has been depressed for the past ten years. Depression can't just be whisked away with happy thoughts; it needs professional help and often prescription meds. If she's stuck with all the babysitting, that could have worsened her depression (making her "even more boring").

It seems to me that a shift in perspective would be a good idea here.
 
Kevin, you are a much more optimistic person than I am. :p

It sounds like the issues started when the kids came along (one year of trying to "convince" the wife to bring in anther woman, which would have seemingly meant trying to do so very shortly after giving birth; then, another year of "problems" during the infancy and beginning toddler stages, meaning the twins are now the age he says: 2). It never ceases to amaze me how many men seem to decide they're "poly" (but only for other woman, not for their wives to have other men) when their wives are pregnant or have just given birth. I can't find the thread on this, but I know there was one. I've never once seen a woman decide during pregnancy or right after birthing that she was poly. Generally, that kind of timing makes it appear that the man isn't so much poly, as wanting to get laid by someone besides their wife (who now has the issues that go along with pregnancy and recent child-birth, which often include lower libido, fatigue, etc.--because sleep deprivation will do that to a person).

The OP's posts, thus far, suggest the same to me, along with a complete lack of understanding or compassion. Hopefully, for the wife and children (and even the GF, though she needs to be looking at this critically before deciding to maintain a relationship with him, as well), I am wrong about this one.

kdt26417 said:
Hi joe,

The links as promised:

And if you can't find a poly-friendly counselor accessible to you, see if you can introduce an open-minded counselor to the idea of poly with the following book:

  • "What Psychology Professionals Should Know about Polyamory," by Geri Weitzman, Ph.D., Joy Davidson, Ph.D., and Robert A. Phillips, Jr., Ph.D.
I'm not ready to give up on your marriage, but I am concerned that your wife is getting the short end of the stick. I'm hoping a good counselor can help clear up the issues and point the way to a better future (for all three of you and the twins).

When you say your wife is boring, I wonder if the truth is that she is depressed, and perhaps has been depressed for the past ten years. Depression can't just be whisked away with happy thoughts; it needs professional help and often prescription meds. If she's stuck with all the babysitting, that could have worsened her depression (making her "even more boring").

It seems to me that a shift in perspective would be a good idea here.
Click to expand...
 
GreenAcres said:
Kevin, you are a much more optimistic person than I am. :p
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Much much moreso than me as well, GA! I blame his Mormon upbringing. He is cutting this dude way too much slack.

It never ceases to amaze me how many men seem to decide they're "poly" (but only for other woman, not for their wives to have other men) when their wives are pregnant or have just given birth. I can't find the thread on this, but I know there was one. I've never once seen a woman decide during pregnancy or right after birthing that she was poly.
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Well, we don't see them here, but there are women, sad depressed mentally ill substance abusers who go on drinking and drugging, and having sex for drugs, all through their pregnancies, and then go on to neglect their children, or hopefully, get their babies taken away from them by CPS as soon as the poor drug addicted infants appear out of their vaginas.

Not that this guy is necessarily a crackhead. :cool:

But yes, we do see women here, a new one every week, whose husband/bf suddenly decides he is "poly," or starts to cheat, while she is gestating or just post partum.

A woman who is caring for infant twins all day might seem "boring" to a man who has had a shower, shit and shave all by himself in the morning, and is nicely dressed and off to the office, hitting Starbucks on the way, later having a nice lunch out, adult conversations all day long, and of course is still feeling quite energetic at 6PM when he swans on home, ready to dine out or hit the bars! Whereas she is still in her PJs, unshowered, exhausted, underfed, covered in spit up or worse, and hasn't shaved her legs in a few months, or trimmed her toenails, or gotten a fresh haircut. One baby is sick, the other is raring to go, there are crumbs all over the floor, the kid's cartoons and music are maddening... OK. You get it. I am not a mom of twins, but I had 3 singletons in 5 years. And I was a nanny to baby twins from age 3 mos to 3 1/2 years. So I have a good idea why this dude's wife would seem boring and "not into things."

If she was that "boring" for years, why the HELL did he knock her up? Why didn't he divorce her BEFORE getting her with children?




Generally, that kind of timing makes it appear that the man isn't so much poly, as wanting to get laid by someone besides their wife (who now has the issues that go along with pregnancy and recent child-birth, which often include lower libido, fatigue, etc.--because sleep deprivation will do that to a person).

The OP's posts, thus far, suggest the same to me, along with a complete lack of understanding or compassion.
Click to expand...

When you get your woman pregnant, you suck it up and help her raise the baby(s). I don't care if that seems boring, you suck it up and do it like an adult, like a man. Or you are not a father, you are merely a sperm donor. You sure aren't polyamorous!
 
Sorry for the excessive optimism, I am just a believer in the notion that people (even bad people) can change for the better (if they really want to). In this case, professional counseling is what I'm hoping will help turn things around. At the very least, counseling might confirm the general consensus here, which is that divorce is the only answer.

As for the twins, what they really need is for their father as well as their mother to be present and attentive toward them. Dad needs to come home from work ready to take over the babysitting so Mom can get a rest. To me that seems more possible if Dad can be convinced to see things in a different light, and stay in the marriage for the right reasons.

I don't like giving up on people. It makes me uncomfortable. I do it on rare occasion, but only with supreme reluctance. If peace and love have the least chance of saving the day, I'd rather try them before resorting to excoriation. If nothing else, maybe what I post is worth the value of a different point of view.
 
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