Hi all, first time poster. My husband and I agreed to explore an open marriage about 8 months ago. We never discussed poly besides briefly in the very beginning, and it was basically, "yeah, that's not something I would be interested in." The underlying agreement was that it would be more casual and fun. In retrospect, neither of us did nearly enough research/discussion about all of this before actually jumping in - I see that now. He had his first hook-up with someone from OKC and liked it, and when he told me what happened, I was excited and turned on.
That is about where the positivity ended. There have been a few incidents and transgressions on his part throughout the process thus far that have definitely compromised trust and made me doubt whether or not he could handle himself within this kind of arrangement.
Then at the beginning of January, he met a girl he really liked. He says they have crazy chemistry and there is a ton of sexual attraction. All of a sudden, he is trying to go hang out with her 3-4 times a week and talking every day/talking on the phone. He started acting almost manic and like everything he was doing was with the end goal of being able to go see her - definitely intense NRE. I was uncomfortable with the intensity and the pace at which things were moving, so I expressed this. I was also uncomfortable with the fact that we agreed on open but now he was in the middle of something that seemed a lot more serious than that - more poly, like he wanted her as a steady gf on the side, which we had never even had a chance to discuss. He did end up telling me he had feelings for her.
We would talk about it and he would say I was right, he definitely needed to slow it down, take a break, etc. Great. But then anything he said he would do and any agreement we made in regards to that would go out the window 24 hours later. I could not understand why it was so difficult to honor what he was telling me he would do. It made me feel like he was not even capable of putting my comfort level and the well-being of our marriage first over this person he barely knew, and that really hurt. He literally would say "we aren't going to talk for a while/take a few weeks break," and then would be talking to her the next day. This then turned into him telling me he and the girl talked and they both agreed it would be best to take a break/cooling off period. This led to him continuing to talk to her but doing it behind my back and deleting messages, etc. We got in an argument about it that snowballed into him telling me he was going out for drinks alone, where he went to a bar, told her to meet him there, and they proceeded to go back to her place and sleep together. I didn't know where he was or what he had been doing until he showed up at home well after midnight. Needless to say, things got really bad and he said the ship had sailed, he would tell her it's not going to work for good, etc. I never gave him any kind of ultimatum or veto - but I did agree with what he was telling me, and obviously I was super pissed.
We agreed to take a break from open and focus on us for a few weeks - we both agreed we had a LOT more discussion that needed to happen if any of this was going to work. After that agreement, he STILL continued to talk to her, causing more friction and arguing and anger on my part.
Now we are at an awkward impasse where he is scared I will really veto their relationship and I feel like no matter what I do, I am the bad guy. I feel like he is basically saying f**k your comfort level and your needs, I'm going to do whatever I want. I feel like I am forced to just pretend like this huge breach of trust didn't happen and that I have to just accept their relationship and accept wherever it may lead whether I am okay with it or not. Like I have to sit there and give them my blessing even though there are so many negative feelings and bad blood with his relationship with this person now. I know he wants to continue seeing her, so I am the bad guy if I say anything otherwise, but I kind of feel like he backed me into a corner with his selfish actions. I ask why he isn't capable of just slowing down so I have some time to get used to the situation and all he can say is, "because I never wanted to stop." Okay, then why did you repeatedly tell me you would?? And isn't a huge premise of an open/poly marriage is that everyone involved is comfortable with the situation, and as a spouse, you listen and adjust accordingly to your spouse's comfort level? Any insight/advice appreciated.
That is about where the positivity ended. There have been a few incidents and transgressions on his part throughout the process thus far that have definitely compromised trust and made me doubt whether or not he could handle himself within this kind of arrangement.
Then at the beginning of January, he met a girl he really liked. He says they have crazy chemistry and there is a ton of sexual attraction. All of a sudden, he is trying to go hang out with her 3-4 times a week and talking every day/talking on the phone. He started acting almost manic and like everything he was doing was with the end goal of being able to go see her - definitely intense NRE. I was uncomfortable with the intensity and the pace at which things were moving, so I expressed this. I was also uncomfortable with the fact that we agreed on open but now he was in the middle of something that seemed a lot more serious than that - more poly, like he wanted her as a steady gf on the side, which we had never even had a chance to discuss. He did end up telling me he had feelings for her.
We would talk about it and he would say I was right, he definitely needed to slow it down, take a break, etc. Great. But then anything he said he would do and any agreement we made in regards to that would go out the window 24 hours later. I could not understand why it was so difficult to honor what he was telling me he would do. It made me feel like he was not even capable of putting my comfort level and the well-being of our marriage first over this person he barely knew, and that really hurt. He literally would say "we aren't going to talk for a while/take a few weeks break," and then would be talking to her the next day. This then turned into him telling me he and the girl talked and they both agreed it would be best to take a break/cooling off period. This led to him continuing to talk to her but doing it behind my back and deleting messages, etc. We got in an argument about it that snowballed into him telling me he was going out for drinks alone, where he went to a bar, told her to meet him there, and they proceeded to go back to her place and sleep together. I didn't know where he was or what he had been doing until he showed up at home well after midnight. Needless to say, things got really bad and he said the ship had sailed, he would tell her it's not going to work for good, etc. I never gave him any kind of ultimatum or veto - but I did agree with what he was telling me, and obviously I was super pissed.
We agreed to take a break from open and focus on us for a few weeks - we both agreed we had a LOT more discussion that needed to happen if any of this was going to work. After that agreement, he STILL continued to talk to her, causing more friction and arguing and anger on my part.
Now we are at an awkward impasse where he is scared I will really veto their relationship and I feel like no matter what I do, I am the bad guy. I feel like he is basically saying f**k your comfort level and your needs, I'm going to do whatever I want. I feel like I am forced to just pretend like this huge breach of trust didn't happen and that I have to just accept their relationship and accept wherever it may lead whether I am okay with it or not. Like I have to sit there and give them my blessing even though there are so many negative feelings and bad blood with his relationship with this person now. I know he wants to continue seeing her, so I am the bad guy if I say anything otherwise, but I kind of feel like he backed me into a corner with his selfish actions. I ask why he isn't capable of just slowing down so I have some time to get used to the situation and all he can say is, "because I never wanted to stop." Okay, then why did you repeatedly tell me you would?? And isn't a huge premise of an open/poly marriage is that everyone involved is comfortable with the situation, and as a spouse, you listen and adjust accordingly to your spouse's comfort level? Any insight/advice appreciated.
FWIW, it sounds like Inyourendo also recognized that it's not always about "working on yourself" and told her ex to pound sand.