Help with Polyamory and jealousy

[kayfanxf]

Hello.

Im new to all this so forgive any mistakes.

Ive been with my girlfriend for 5 years (6 this year) and a few months back she told me she was polyamorus when she started falling for another guy.

I stupidly lied about my feelings toward it, she went to this other guy's place for a night and it ended for me pretty badly as it crushed me inside and after that it fell apart and we ended up parting ways for a while.

Since we got back together sometime after, she wanted to try it again with this other guy after we all made up and properly became friends

(For this Ill refer to my gf as K and the third person as O)

When it all backfired me and O were on really bad terms as it was partially my fault it all happened.

Sometime later we both made up and became ultra close friends, and K wanted to slowly try it again and so far its been ok for the most part.

I am still entirely unsure about this and both of them have asked me if i want them to call it off as I am admittedly still uncomfortable with it, Ive said no just keep going and i don't know if that was the right thing to do.

Where the last attempt failed quite badly, I dont really want to hurt either of them by saying end it.

Whenever she's around O and not me, i feel hurt and empty inside. Almost like im being shut out when I'm actually not.

And being like this has resulted mostly in lack of sleep, worry, crying a lot and i sometimes i cant cope.

I really need some help and support with all this as I really dont know what to do or how to deal with the jealosy aspect of it.

Thank you for reading.

 

[zigzag]

Really sorry for how you are feeling, I know its difficult but it can get better. We all experience jealousy sometimes.

You may find it helps to try and understand your jealous feelings and why you are feeling the way you are and then with you partner try and address the underlying feelings. Rather than me try and explain this badly can I recommend you read the following as a starter.

https://www.morethantwo.com/jealousy-insecurity.html

http://www.polyamory.org.uk/jealousy_clewis.html

You may also find Frankin Veuax's book "More than Two" helpful, I did.

However don't let the lack of sleep and feelings of can't cope get worse because that sounds more like depression to me rather than just jealousy. You can't let jealousy make you ill. If these problems get worse please go and see a doctor or other professional.

 

[kayfanxf]

Really sorry for how you are feeling, I know its difficult but it can get better. We all experience jealousy sometimes.

You may find it helps to try and understand your jealous feelings and why you are feeling the way you are and then with you partner try and address the underlying feelings. Rather than me try and explain this badly can I recommend you read the following as a starter.

https://www.morethantwo.com/jealousy-insecurity.html

http://www.polyamory.org.uk/jealousy_clewis.html

You may also find Frankin Veuax's book "More than Two" helpful, I did.

However don't let the lack of sleep and feelings of can't cope get worse because that sounds more like depression to me rather than just jealousy. You can't let jealousy make you ill. If these problems get worse please go and see a doctor or other professional.

Thank you for replying

We have tried to discuss the jealousy part many times but they just keep recurring and i really cant shake them (partly being an aspergers sufferer, its common with us unfortunately)

Also the depression part sounds about right again, but the citalopram i was on was actually making me worse as K and O did notice it on several occasions. Went back to my GP and was taken right off of it.

Another thing that makes this a little harder is the distance between all 3 of us. We all live in london but in different parts.

If this makes a shred of sense, im more happier when we're all together as a group than being apart.

 

[KC43]

Sometimes it can help to figure out the emotion that's behind the jealousy...

Are you *angry* that she's spending time with him instead of you?

Are you *afraid* that she won't come back to you, or will like him better, or anything like that?

Are you *sad*?

Jealousy is an emotion, but I've found, for myself at least, that there's usually something else underneath it. If you're feeling another emotion and realize that it's causing the jealousy, sometimes you can handle it better by dealing with the other emotion first, if that makes sense.

 

[kayfanxf]

Sometimes it can help to figure out the emotion that's behind the jealousy...

Are you *angry* that she's spending time with him instead of you?

Are you *afraid* that she won't come back to you, or will like him better, or anything like that?

Are you *sad*?

Jealousy is an emotion, but I've found, for myself at least, that there's usually something else underneath it. If you're feeling another emotion and realize that it's causing the jealousy, sometimes you can handle it better by dealing with the other emotion first, if that makes sense.

Wouldnt say angry.

Afraid, kind of. The fear of losing K has been there from the start.

Sad, again kind of.

 

[Magdlyn]

Hello.

I'm new to all this so forgive any mistakes.

I've been with my girlfriend for 5 years (6 this year). A few months back she told me she was polyamorous when she started falling for another guy.

I stupidly lied about my feelings toward it. She went to this other guy's place for a night. It ended for me pretty badly as it crushed me inside. After that it fell apart, and we ended up parting ways for a while.

It can be so easy to pretend to be OK with things to avoid feeling like a dick, and then suffer the pangs of hell all alone!

Since we got back together sometime after, she wanted to try it again with this other guy after we all made up and properly became friends

(For this I'll refer to my gf as K and the third person as O.)

When it all backfired, me and O were on really bad terms, as it was partially my fault it all happened.

Sometime later we both made up and became ultra close friends, and K wanted to slowly try it again, and so far its been ok for the most part.

Going slowly is key. Not limiting what they can do sexually, per se, but taking it easy. People in NRE can get so over the top. Overnights do not have to happen right away. One date per week with new person, and then checking in, and then maybe increasing the amount of dates, can help.

Think of what you'd like from K to feel loved and cared for, rather than focusing on what O&K are doing.

I am still entirely unsure about this. Both of them have asked me if i want them to call it off, as I am admittedly still uncomfortable with it. I've said no, just keep going. I don't know if that was the right thing to do.

Where the last attempt failed quite badly, I don't really want to hurt either of them by saying end it.

Vetoes are never a good idea. It doesn't solve anything, because the 2 people that aren't "allowed" to see each other will continue to yearn for each other. That just causes your gf to resent you, and decreases your intimacy, which is just what you don't want.

Whenever she's around O and not me, i feel hurt and empty inside. Almost like I'm being shut out, when I'm actually not.

And being like this has resulted mostly in lack of sleep, worry, crying a lot. Sometimes I can't cope.

It gets better! As long as your gf manages her NRE and gives you the kind of reassurance you feel you need, you should grow in confidence. What would make you feel valued and nurtured?

The only time I feel jealous of my gf dating is when she has neglected my needs. She is usually quite good at meeting my needs though. One ex bf I had though (2 1/2 yrs together) was really bad at meeting my needs when he was in NRE for someone else, and he was in NRE with this or that person as soon as his NRE for me wore off, after our first year together. I told him my needs, he didn't meet them. I gave him a year and a half to get it. He never did. So, I had to dump him.

It sounds like your gf and friend are doing well trying to care for you. What more can they do, short of breaking up (which I do not think is what any of you want)?

And what about self care? Can you keep busy when they are on a date so you aren't just sitting alone and fuming and imagining them together?

 

[kdt26417]

Hi kayfanxf,

Try these links to help you sort out your jealousy:

Let us discuss the greeneye monster shall we?
How to slay the greeneyed beastie.

How To Contain The Green Monster
Jealousy, Envy, Insecurity, Etc.
How do you achieve compersion?

The Theory of Jealousy Management
The Practice of Jealousy Management

Jealousy and the Poly Family
Kathy Labriola: Unmasking the Green-Eyed Monster
Brené Brown: the Power of Vulnerability

It sounds like one of your biggest challenges is the feeling of being left out. What would help with that? If K texted you sometimes when she was with O, would that help?

Let's see what ideas we can come up with as we analyze the nature and triggers of your jealousness.

 

[kayfanxf]

It can be so easy to pretend to be OK with things to avoid feeling like a dick, and then suffer the pangs of hell all alone!



Going slowly is key. Not limiting what they can do sexually, per se, but taking it easy. People in NRE can get so over the top. Overnights do not have to happen right away. One date per week with new person, and then checking in, and then maybe increasing the amount of dates, can help.

Think of what you'd like from K to feel loved and cared for, rather than focusing on what O&K are doing.



Vetoes are never a good idea. It doesn't solve anything, because the 2 people that aren't "allowed" to see each other will continue to yearn for each other. That just causes your gf to resent you, and decreases your intimacy, which is just what you don't want.



It gets better! As long as your gf manages her NRE and gives you the kind of reassurance you feel you need, you should grow in confidence. What would make you feel valued and nurtured?

The only time I feel jealous of my gf dating is when she has neglected my needs. She is usually quite good at meeting my needs though. One ex bf I had though (2 1/2 yrs together) was really bad at meeting my needs when he was in NRE for someone else, and he was in NRE with this or that person as soon as his NRE for me wore off, after our first year together. I told him my needs, he didn't meet them. I gave him a year and a half to get it. He never did. So, I had to dump him.

It sounds like your gf and friend are doing well trying to care for you. What more can they do, short of breaking up (which I do not think is what any of you want)?

And what about self care? Can you keep busy when they are on a date so you aren't just sitting alone and fuming and imagining them together?

K and O are taking things slowly which is what i asked for and respect them for it.
Sexual wise they haven't done anything, ive asked if things like that did happen I'd prefer if all 3 of us was involved for the first time.

I haven't really said they cant see each other, that's one route i don't want to even think of going down as that would really hurt all of us if i did that. Nor would i ever ask them to break it off, not that the thought has crossed my mind more than once but ive instantly ignored it.

And as far as self confidence goes, that kinda got demolished when the first attempt blew up and resulted in me and K actually breaking it off for sometime.
Not sure how i can go about rebuilding confidence either.


Self care as of late has just been hiding in bed avoiding the world, silly i know but its sometimes how i cope in stressful situations.
Where as sometimes ill try taking my mind off of things by going on a rampage on assorted mmo's or multiplayer games online, which does help for a while.


Also i didn't mention that K was MtF transgender which was probably an important detail that i failed to include, she's been on HRT for sometime.
And accepting that took a hell of a long time. As after she came out as that it kind of made us shift apart and make things awkward for over a year. (She came out in 2012) Im still accepting that part of her today.

Hi kayfanxf,

Try these links to help you sort out your jealousy:

Let us discuss the greeneye monster shall we?
How to slay the greeneyed beastie.

How To Contain The Green Monster
Jealousy, Envy, Insecurity, Etc.
How do you achieve compersion?

The Theory of Jealousy Management
The Practice of Jealousy Management

Jealousy and the Poly Family
Kathy Labriola: Unmasking the Green-Eyed Monster
Brené Brown: the Power of Vulnerability

It sounds like one of your biggest challenges is the feeling of being left out. What would help with that? If K texted you sometimes when she was with O, would that help?

Let's see what ideas we can come up with as we analyze the nature and triggers of your jealousness.

She has been texting me over yesterday and today, while it does help a little.

Being left out is part of it yeah, but so is the distance from both of them (Part of what K come up with when we were having a big discussion the other day, which does actually sound about right)

 

[Magdlyn]

K and O are taking things slowly which is what i asked for and respect them for it.
Sexual wise they haven't done anything, ive asked if things like that did happen I'd prefer if all 3 of us was involved for the first time.

Oh, so that overnight they had whenever that was... no sex. Huh. No sex at all? No making out? Just sitting and talking? And you're devastated? Well, overnights are a big step. You're mono, K is poly. All 3 of you are distant from each other, and so when they manage to get together, so far platonically, you feel lonely? "K has someone with her right now, and I've got no one"?

But please, reconsider having to be in the room if and when they do have sex. I am sorry, but that pushes my "EW!" button. When I am having sex with someone for the first time, I'd feel incredibly violated to be expected to be a show for a 3rd party. Now, I know many people like sexual threesomes, and find it exciting, but if it is just an attempt to prohibit jealousy, it won't work. Why would you want to watch, or participate? It could actually increase your jealousy. Unless it's a fantasy/interest of all 3 of you for pleasure, not as some kind of jealousy insurance.

And as far as self confidence goes, that kinda got demolished when the first attempt blew up and resulted in me and K actually breaking it off for sometime.
Not sure how i can go about rebuilding confidence either.


Self care as of late has just been hiding in bed avoiding the world, silly i know but its sometimes how i cope in stressful situations.
Where as sometimes ill try taking my mind off of things by going on a rampage on assorted mmo's or multiplayer games online, which does help for a while.

Confidence comes from within, but it can take some time to get comfortable with polyamory, since we are all brainwashed to be mono.

Also, long distance r'ships are very difficult. Adding a new bf into the mix makes it that much harder.

Also i didn't mention that K was MtF transgender which was probably an important detail that i failed to include, she's been on HRT for sometime.
And accepting that took a hell of a long time. As after she came out as that it kind of made us shift apart and make things awkward for over a year. (She came out in 2012). I'm still accepting that part of her today.

Oh, do you mean you 2 were a (you thought) gay male couple until she came out as trans and started transitioning? Are you bi? Or did you have to make a huge shift, as a gay man, to continue in a love/sex r'ship with her?

She has been texting me over yesterday and today, while it does help a little.

Being left out is part of it yeah, but so is the distance from both of them (Part of what K come up with when we were having a big discussion the other day, which does actually sound about right)

OK, so maybe the biggest root of your "jealousy" is just feeling distant and missing her (or both of them). Is there an attraction between you and O also?

Is your long term goal to all be living in the same town, or even the same home, some day? Or is her thing with O too new to make those kinds of plans?

 

[IndieSolo]

Afraid, kind of. The fear of losing K has been there from the start.

Jealousy is usually sitting just on top of the fear of losing something. You need to look at that fear and confront it, see where it comes from, and possibly ask for whatever reassurance you need, so that it doesn't dominate your thoughts and make you miserable.

Sexual wise they haven't done anything, ive asked if things like that did happen I'd prefer if all 3 of us was involved for the first time.

WHY??? That is a weird rule and I can only see it making things worse. Don't she and any other lover(s) she may be involved with have a right to privacy and letting their relationships develop on their own, without interference from a third party? She isn't a piece of property to be supervised, you know. Not saying that to be mean or harsh, but just to illustrate a point.

 

[kayfanxf]

Oh, so that overnight they had whenever that was... no sex. Huh. No sex at all? No making out? Just sitting and talking? And you're devastated? Well, overnights are a big step. You're mono, K is poly. All 3 of you are distant from each other, and so when they manage to get together, so far platonically, you feel lonely? "K has someone with her right now, and I've got no one"?

But please, reconsider having to be in the room if and when they do have sex. I am sorry, but that pushes my "EW!" button. When I am having sex with someone for the first time, I'd feel incredibly violated to be expected to be a show for a 3rd party. Now, I know many people like sexual threesomes, and find it exciting, but if it is just an attempt to prohibit jealousy, it won't work. Why would you want to watch, or participate? It could actually increase your jealousy. Unless it's a fantasy/interest of all 3 of you for pleasure, not as some kind of jealousy insurance.



Confidence comes from within, but it can take some time to get comfortable with polyamory, since we are all brainwashed to be mono.

Also, long distance r'ships are very difficult. Adding a new bf into the mix makes it that much harder.



Oh, do you mean you 2 were a (you thought) gay male couple until she came out as trans and started transitioning? Are you bi? Or did you have to make a huge shift, as a gay man, to continue in a love/sex r'ship with her?



OK, so maybe the biggest root of your "jealousy" is just feeling distant and missing her (or both of them). Is there an attraction between you and O also?

Is your long term goal to all be living in the same town, or even the same home, some day? Or is her thing with O too new to make those kinds of plans?

No sex just making out and cuddles currently. Not so far devastated, just i dont know how to really explain it.
And yes when im not with either i do feel sort of lonely.

It's not really a jealousy insurance thing when it comes to wanting sexual activity as a group.
Nor would it be a 'show' for anyone. We have played as a group a couple of times which we did enjoy doing.
Threesome's are mostly an interest and a fantasy I would like to at least try.


Yes we did originally think we were a gay couple until K came out as trans.
I did personally make a huge shift from gay to Bi out of love.

As far as attraction between me and O goes, yes i do have feelings for him.
He loves me as a friend and nothing further at the moment, I do hope this does change but I'm not holding full hope on it.


Moving in, I Wouldnt say long term goal, we're just seeing how things progress and then possibly decide on moving in all together.

(Also trying to word these properly so I dont say the wrong stuff)

Jealousy is usually sitting just on top of the fear of losing something. You need to look at that fear and confront it, see where it comes from, and possibly ask for whatever reassurance you need, so that it doesn't dominate your thoughts and make you miserable.


WHY??? That is a weird rule and I can only see it making things worse. Don't she and any other lover(s) she may be involved with have a right to privacy and letting their relationships develop on their own, without interference from a third party? She isn't a piece of property to be supervised, you know. Not saying that to be mean or harsh, but just to illustrate a point.

Again nothing to do with supervision or interference.

Yes it comes across as weird, but its not a rule. Its more a preference, If things happen between K and O without me then things happen.

 

[kayfanxf]

K and O have been out on a dinner date all evening and being able to talk my problems out with you guys have somewhat made me realise how wrong I was about a lot of things.

Thank you to everyone that replied and offered helpful advice, I apologise if i couldnt answer each response fully.

But plucking up the courage to actively ask experienced people has helped a fair amount, as hard as it was. It did turn out to be something I really needed.

I think for the near future I am going to go with what K originally said and just "let things happen"

My head is more emptier and less chaotic from being able to talk it out.

 

[kdt26417]

That sounds like good news.