Moved in with the married couple........

S

ScaredNConfused

New member
I have been reading a lot of the posts and I have to say you guys have answered so many questions for me I appreciate it so much. That being said I figure I would write a little background. I have now moved in with my BF and GF. I am a 23 year old bi female and they are 37 and 32 years old he is straight and she is bi, married for 11 years with 4 children. They have pursued poly relationships since their first year of being married so this is not new to them. I have a 3 year old son from a previous relationship. I first met the husband through my previous boyfriend's job. The husband was my boyfriend's boss. We hit it off right away and I liked him a lot. This was roughly 5 years ago when I was 18.

I had no idea that he and his wife were looking for a girlfriend and honestly at that point I probably would have said no. After a time introduced me to his wife and I immediately liked her. I was just friends with them at that time and we all loved hanging out together. Then slowly but surely things started escalating in a sexual manner. I did not have sex with them, just played around. We knew we all had a connection and they chose to pursue it and tell me they wanted more than just friendship with me and I agreed but did not have a clue what I was actually agreeing to. I mean I understood it in the sense but had a hard time wrapping my mind around it but I knew I liked both of them and wanted to give it a shot.

Sometimes I am too timid about finding out what is okay and what is not okay but from being here now I am pretty sure it is not okay to touch the husband when the wife isn't home but me and the wife go all the way even if he's not home. Seems like a bit of a double standard to me but what do I know?

I know that there are never any guarantees with anything in life but I can't help but be really scared jumping into this headfirst when it seems so up in the air. Like in a mono relationship you know the basics of what not to do if you don't want to get dumped but in this relationship I am more confused than anything and worried that I am going to unknowingly commit some crime that calls for this to end. But then at the same time, that would almost be a relief because I feel I am just going to get seriously heartbroken in the end. And sure heartbreak happens to everyone, and we all have to pick ourselves up and move on but with something like this, it's almost a lifestyle change for me and I wouldn't know how to come back from it. Especially since I just moved in with them, they want to get us all matching rings, they want me to have a baby with them, we have mixed all finances and there are children involved. If I get tangled up in this and my son starts calling the husband daddy, what do I do when the wife wakes up one day and decides it's not for her anymore?

I guess my basic question is, does anyone think a situation like this can work out? I have read a lot of the material and have discovered that most people say there is no way it can work because apparently I am what is referred to as a unicorn and they are the hunters. I also see most people saying don't get involved if the couple says you have to date both of them. Those words were never said but I know for sure if things didn't work out with one it would end immediately. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. It seems like this is moving super fast but I am powerless to stop it and I feel a sense of foreboding that there is a very slim chance this will work out for me.
 
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There will be more folks to pop in with better advice than I'm going to give you right now, I'm sure (especially since I need to get back to work), but please don't discount that inner voice of yours that's raising the red flag.

ScaredNConfused said:
Sometimes I am too timid about finding out what is okay and what is not okay but from being here now I am pretty sure it is not okay to touch the husband when the wife isn't home but me and the wife go all the way even if he's not home. Seems like a bit of a double standard to me but what do I know?
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You know exactly what it is: a double-standard. Don't doubt yourself here.

ScaredNConfused said:
they want to get us all matching rings, they want me to have a baby with them, we have mixed all finances and there are children involved.
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Be VERY VERY CAREFUL here. There are legal protections for married couples with joint assets. You have NONE. If they decide to cut you out, you have NO recourse. I recommend you get your money out of their joint account (especially while you're still unsure of the ins and outs of this relationship) and ask what they need from you for bills: rent, utilities, etc. I recommend paying them like a roommate and leaving your bank account separate.

As for having a child with the husband, this is your decision and not theirs to make for you. I'd recommend waiting in ANY relationship to see if it's stable and loving before having children. Doubly so in this case.

ScaredNConfused said:
It seems like this is moving super fast but I am powerless to stop it.
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You are not powerless. You have agency. Don't ever give that away, especially with a child you're responsible for.

You are the mother. You are your own person. You get to say "no" or "wait a minute" or "hey, how about this instead?"
 
I am sorry you are struggling.

Here's things I see in case it helps you.

NOT SURE WHAT IS GOING ON

Sometimes I am too timid about finding out what is okay and what is not okay
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If you have questions and want to know stuff about boundaries--- ASK. You cannot be a mind reader. They cannot mind reader you. I see a lot of places where you are assuming doom, and cranking up your anxiety anticipating a break up and being left in the cold. Rather than guess, could ASK.

Are you not in the habit of asking questions before signing up for something? Maybe that's something to work on -- could call this a learning experience. Next time could ask in advance, rather than moving in and then struggling with "catching it up conversation."

For now though... could catch it up.
  • What are the deal breakers that would lead to him breaking up? Her breaking up? You breaking up?
  • Does he/she/you expect this to be a triad? What happens if it just naturally wants to be a V?
  • Or if it is a triad, and one leg break up does it becomes a V automatically? Or is it break up all the way to everyone single and then regroup with those that still want to be grouped? How does he/she/you see that working?
  • Does a break up also mean eviction? How much time would you have to move out? 30 days notice? What?
  • What is ok/not ok at this time? Sexually? PDA wise? With him/her/you?
  • When I struggle, what kind of support/help can I expect from him/her/myself?
  • Can he/she/I date outside the trio?

You might have other things to ask. Those are just starter questions. You might also look at these sheets.

If the answers are not something you are up for, it is ok to decline the offer and decline to participate here.

If you think you were hoovered and just realizing it? You can say no at this point in time. You are allowed to change your mind.

You are in charge of you and your willingness to participate in something or not. You make the call.

TOO FAST STUFF

They are overenthusiastic with this whole ring business and baby business. You can say "That's nice, but let's slow it down. I'm not ready for rings or babies at this time. Just learning to be together in one home is enough change. I rather not pile on so many changes at once."

Even with a mono couple I would think moving in together is plenty. No need to leap into marriage rings and make babies too all at the same time! Where's the fire? :confused:

DO NOT make a new baby at this time with them.

DO NOT tangle all your finances with theirs at this time. Even if one day you open a joint or a joint now make house bills easier, always maintain one of your own. Chip in for house expenses. But maintain your own bank accounts with enough money in separate checking or savings so you and your kid can walk out to a hotel and get a new apartment on your own at any time so you can have that peace of mind. Keep your job.

You could also move out again to your own flat and date from there if that is a better fit than everyone living together.

OTHER

You can teach your child to call him something other than "Daddy." He can be " Mr John" and she can be "Ms Jane." Your kid -- you are the parent, you make those choices for your child. Not them.

CONCLUSION

It seems like this is moving super fast but I am powerless to stop it and I feel a sense of foreboding that there is a very slim chance this will work out for me.
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You are NOT powerless.

I think you do not sound esp comfortable being assertive. You sound "people pleaser" -- like you go along with things to not make waves and then find yourself in too deep or lost and confused. :(

SPEAK UP.

It's ok for them to be excited that you moved in. But if too gushy, you could ask if they are willing to dial it down to a less overwhelming level.

If it is more like engulfing or suffocating you and ignoring your limits/boundaries? Then just plain get out. Then it is a case of lacking respect and lacking boundaries rather than a case of being excited and gushy from the recent move.

You are there. You know how you feel and you know how much "space" and "personal boundaries" you need to feel good and respected. You know if they are partners you can work with or if they are just not good team players.

Trust yourself and your judgement more.

I guess my basic question is, does anyone think a situation like this can work out?
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The thing with triads is that it is three V's stacked up together. More intense than a single V arrangement.

I think triads can work if everyone is working together well, each one holding up their jobs and each respecting the others needs and their own needs.

If you are not speaking up and asking questions so you can understand expectations and help problem solve? Then you aren't doing your job as a partner. You are also not doing your job in looking out for your needs.

Your first duty is to look out for you and your dependent. You get to choose to polyship or not. Your kid is along for the ride.

Galagirl
 
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You are the perfect unicorn. Young, timid, horny, dependent and confused. They really reeled you in.

Honey, why did you move in with them if you are so scared and confused and worried and feeling so powerless?

I don't trust that wife. Experienced at poly yet still so insecure you can't even touch "her" man unless she is there? What?

If you know she could veto you at a whim, you are in a terrible position, and your child is at risk. Never mind contemplating yet another child at your young age. You might end up with a weird messy custody battle if you have his child but are not his legal wife, and you split up.

The only way this can work is if you grow a set and speak up for your own rights. They sure aren't going to hand them to you on a silver platter.

BTW, how much time do you now spend sitting their kids so they can go out as a couple? How much time does the wife spend sitting your kid so you and your bf can go out as a couple?
 
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Hi ScaredNConfused,

Re (from OP):
"I know for sure if things didn't work out with one it would end immediately."
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Oh, ouch! That's a huge red flag.

If it weren't for that flag I might say, Sure there's a chance it might work. Although I saw several lesser flags too.

Re:
"It seems like this is moving super fast but I am powerless to stop it ..."
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No, no no no no no ... all you need to do is tell them, "No thanks," and walk away. You have the power.

Re (from YouAreHere):
"I recommend paying them like a roommate and leaving your bank account separate."
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I think that would be wise.
 
There is so much good advice on this thread, ScaredNConfused.

Under no circumstances should you mingle finances with them, period. Untangle that mess now, today. Get your money out of accounts, redirect any direct deposits, etc. ASAP. My advice is to do this *before* you then tell them you'd like to act as a roommate and pay rent, part of the utilities, etc. As another poster noted, as a married couple, they have legal protections you do not, and it would be incredibly easy for you and your child to be in very dire straights if anything goes wrong.

From here on out, maintain your own accounts, and make sure you can support yourself and your child. One very unfortunate commonality in unicorn hunters, which these certainly sound like they may be, is that they often like to have their unicorn be financially dependent on them, because it means they have most of the control in the relationship. DO NOT LET THIS HAPPEN. If they really want a fair and honest relationship where you feel valued and respected, they will understand that you want to slow down, be protected, and have your own finances for a while.

I agree with Kevin, and several other posters, that the ""I know for sure if things didn't work out with one it would end immediately." is a huge, waving red flag. It is, essentially, emotional blackmail (I know I'll get flack from some folks for saying that, but I do believe it to be true). And, if it also means eviction, etc. (which I kind of assume it does, but I could be wrong), it's even worse than that.

There are many, many other warnings here that this is likely to go poorly for you, which also means for your child. The wife's jealousy, the fastness of them wanting to tie you to them with rings and babies and finances....it is, unfortunately, pretty much all of the things that you've read should be warnings to not get involved. You are already involved, unfortunately, so it's time to considering how to slow things down and do what is best for you.

I definitely urge you to take GalaGirl's advice and start standing up for yourself. That said, be ready for what is very likely to happen when you do that, which is quite possibly the relationship ending (yes, I am being doom and gloomy, but really, I've seen this scenario play out so many times in this way with unicorn hunters--and it always ends the same way--that I'm not really expecting this to be the 1 in a thousand exception). Develop an exit plan for you and your child. If you don't have to use it and they are the exception and are willing to restructure things, great, no harm done. If things get worse, you have planned for the needs of your child and yourself.
 
D here

OK, so what else would you recommend?

Would it be a more acceptable situation if this was more of a V relationship between the women that then would only occasionally include the man?

I think I would agree that this is a situation that needs great caution. There are young children involved and that could be difficult in the long run. This does sound like a UH situation where as the bf has, possibly inadvertantly, sought out a third but the gf sounds a bit jealous and unwilling to share him with you.

I agree that you should be very cautious.

D: married to K
K: married to D
S: likely gf to both
 
It's not so much the triad configuration, it's more, for example, that the core couple isn't allowing for the off chance that the triad might turn into a V. If it did turn into a V, they would break up ScaredNConfused altogether. Not cool.

What divides the unicorn hunters from the non-unicorn-hunters is that

  • the non-unicorn-hunters are flexible,
  • the non-unicorn-hunters view their "third" as a living being with unique needs and feelings.
Unicorn hunters will tend to prioritize the core couple, treat the "third" as a disposable object, and stand by rigid rules that the core couple drew up before even meeting the person who would become their third.

In ScaredNConfused's case, we are seeing all the hallmarks of unicorn hunting. If this is unicorn hunting, then ScaredNConfused is in for a world of hurt when she fails to live up to their expectations. They'll dump her like yesterday's garbage, and leave her homeless and destitute if her money is still tied up in their bank account. I wouldn't be so confident in saying that if it sounded to me like this core couple wasn't making the triad configuration such an absolute requirement. ScaredNConfused should have a say in that.
 
Re-read all the advice here. Take it seriously.

KEEP YOUR OWN MONEY. HAVE A WAY OUT. DO NOT BECOME DEPENDENT ON THESE PEOPLE.

The only things I can add are:

Start looking for posts or any blogs that talk about 'silent vetos.' Be aware of this possibility (likelihood?).

Also...take from it what you will, but I'm divorced after a long string of suspicious 'friendships' on my XH's part with younger women. By the time he was 37 and his newest 'just a friend' was 23, barely older than our oldest child. Hnestly, it creeped me out, made me wonder what kind of guy I was married to. That's from the standpoint of simply being 13/14 years older than this girl was. At 23, she was in a totally different place in life than my XH.

Speaking as a parent, now that my own daughter is 23, I'd hit the roof if a 37 year old man was moving her in, and using her as his and his wife's new sex toy, and leaving her in the dark about what the rules really are, taking over her finances, which would prevent her leaving if she felt she needed to, and wanting her to have a baby with him with absolutely no legal protection for her and that child, which would make her even more dependent on him.

You sound very uncomfortable with this situation. LISTEN TO YOUR GUT.

Move out and make decisions from a place of self support.
 
D -

Wow, WhatHappened, that's something else. I'll have to research some older posts.

Kevin, I got you now for sure and couldn't agree more.

Scaredandconfused, I'd have to agree with most of this assesment. K and I have been together for 15 years now and have never had a joint account. Not that we don't trust each other but because I've had school loans and didn't want our money possibly tied up. We do have accounts at the same bank and if we need to we can easily transfer funds back and forth to pay bills and buy anything else we need.

That being said, I would think that a possible house/family account for bills could be acceptable as long as you maintain your own account. Also, as said above, your first priority is to you and your child before this couple and theirs.
 
ScaredNConfused said:
Sometimes I am too timid about finding out what is okay and what is not okay but from being here now I am pretty sure it is not okay to touch the husband when the wife isn't home but me and the wife go all the way even if he's not home. Seems like a bit of a double standard to me but what do I know?
Click to expand...

This is a double standard. I am in a triad and can I offer some advice. You need to talk with them and remember that your opinion and needs matters as much as theirs. Why can you be with her alone but not him? I don't even get why that is an automatic assumption. I am the wife in the triad and I would hate to think that my GF felt this way. One thing that we've found is that we all sit down and talk or sometimes get on facebook messenger as a group to discuss things that are bothering us or to clarify things. We've found that FB messenger works best for us because emotions don't run as high when we are apart and messaging instead of being face to face.

ScaredNConfused said:
But then at the same time, that would almost be a relief because I feel I am just going to get seriously heartbroken in the end. And sure heartbreak happens to everyone, and we all have to pick ourselves up and move on but with something like this, it's almost a lifestyle change for me and I wouldn't know how to come back from it. Especially since I just moved in with them, they want to get us all matching rings, they want me to have a baby with them, we have mixed all finances and there are children involved. If I get tangled up in this and my son starts calling the husband daddy, what do I do when the wife wakes up one day and decides it's not for her anymore?
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Our GF still has these doubts sometimes. I would assume it's pretty natural. It sounds like you are more hesitant than they are to make this work. All of these questions that you are asking us, needs to be talked with them as well. A lot of times, we have found that what's going on in our head is also going along in one or the other partner. Sometimes just saying it aloud and hearing that others are worried too make is less scary. You'll never know unless you try. If it lasts a month would it be worth it? If it lasts a year would it be worth it? If it lasts forever would it be worth it? Only you can decide if it would be worth it. For us, I don't see how our triad would work if we weren't all equal partners. By this I mean, the GF having as much say as either myself or DH.

ScaredNConfused said:
I guess my basic question is, does anyone think a situation like this can work out? I have read a lot of the material and have discovered that most people say there is no way it can work because apparently I am what is referred to as a unicorn and they are the hunters. I also see most people saying don't get involved if the couple says you have to date both of them. Those words were never said but I know for sure if things didn't work out with one it would end immediately. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. It seems like this is moving super fast but I am powerless to stop it and I feel a sense of foreboding that there is a very slim chance this will work out for me.
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We've been a triad for over a year and I wouldn't trade it for anything. But one thing that bothers me with this is that you say you are powerless to stop it moving so fast. You are not. You have as much right to say how fast or slow YOU NEED things to go. If they aren't accommodating to that then if it were me, I would think twice about it all.
 
Natja said:
Nope, don't believe a word of it.

Sorry.
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Natja, you think this new member is someone just imagining a bad unicorn situation and fleshing out a fiction to make poly look bad? It does seem a bit extreme that this girl would move in while having so many misgivings. A young child of her own making her even more vulnerable, an older couple offering rings of commitments and pregnancy to make her even more dependent, already putting all her money in a shared account with them... hmmm...
 
Magdlyn said:
Natja, you think this new member is someone just imagining a bad unicorn situation and fleshing out a fiction to make poly look bad? It does seem a bit extreme that this girl would move in while having so many misgivings. A young child of her own making her even more vulnerable, an older couple offering rings of commitments and pregnancy to make her even more dependent, already putting all her money in a shared account with them... hmmm...
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Just remember we had a couple of other 'Distressed Unicorns' a year or so ago that disappeared and never came back, their situations almost the same as this one, remember the one who couldn't go anywhere because they lived in the middle of no where and they did not give her a car to use....I did not believe them either.
 
There has been a rash of unicorn hunting/triad posts lately.
 
Hard to imagine one person orchestrating the whole rash but I guess it's possible ...

I admit I myself have wondered if ScaredNConfused's narrative was fictitious. But, even if it is, I decided why not respond to it as a hypothetical in case other UH victims in the future happen across this thread.
 
so scaredandconfused she's left the building?

D here.

Its seems no surprise to me that ScaredAndConfused hasn't responded back to this thread of their own. It is beyond me why anyone would leave such a kind and accepting place as this forum after you caring and supportive words. Perhaps the same overwhelming sense of concern for other people's welfare while trying to figure out their situation that has run K off your board has done the same to ScaredAndConfused?

And FYI, any further posting from this account with be from D/H(ubby). You've won.
 
WeWerentHunting said:
D here.

Its seems no surprise to me that ScaredAndConfused hasn't responded back to this thread of their own. It is beyond me why anyone would leave such a kind and accepting place as this forum after you caring and supportive words. Perhaps the same overwhelming sense of concern for other people's welfare while trying to figure out their situation that has run K off your board has done the same to ScaredAndConfused?

And FYI, any further posting from this account with be from D/H(ubby). You've won.
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You realize opinions are like assholes? Everyone has one and nobody thinks theirs stinks. You asked for advice on the internet. Of course you're going to hear things you don't like but I guarantee the advice was given in good faith based on life experiences. Really we all want to help as best we can.
 
I recognize I put it out there but, would you wipe your ass with sandpaper. Well, alright, so some might. I don't expect every word to be charmin soft but, some here could at least wash their hands before touching their keyboards. IMHO
 
Believe what you want

Hi everyone,
Truthfully, I haven't responded because it's hard to know what to respond and this is a lot to take in. So for starters, I am not trying to make these two out to be bad guys. They are awesome loving people and have always treated me with respect and love.

That being said, I really don't care who believes it or doesn't and if a person has that much time on their hands to invent a complete story to post on a forum for the hell of it then they should probably seek help.

Now, on to the other things. I should have mentioned in the other post that I have lived with them before. This did start off slowly in the sense that I have been friends with them for almost five years and have known about their freaky nature for some time because they were never shy about that.

When the husband first approached me about it he told me that they were looking for a girlfriend and I had a hard time wrapping my mind around it. But see this isn't something where I was thinking, Oh it would be nice to start dating a couple, it was more like oh wow I love being with them and have never felt feelings this deep before, what do I do now?

After 3 years of being friends they wanted me to move in. As roommates and I agreed because I loved spending every minute with them. After about 6 months they sold their house (because they had to) and moved. There were no problems with me but at that time I was just a friend and they did not bring me with them to their new house.

I moved in my own place and we all stayed friends and still talked and saw each other quite often. Then I moved states a year later, and they came after me. Like they drove 1100 miles to come get me and bring me back to specifically be their girlfriend.

At the time, I was like oh okay so basically we all keep being friends but now there will be sex and affectionate kissing and things like that but I was 21 at that time and very naive. So it became me just kind of feeling my way around in the dark and there were some missteps for sure. I had no idea what being a girlfriend to a married couple really entailed but it sounded amazing to me.

So as things went along I slowly started feeling left out and resentful. The husband worked and the wife went to college. I cooked and cleaned house and took care of the kids but didn't feel like I was really part of a relationship. Then I started to worry that they had only brought me there to be useful to them because I didn't feel like they cared about my feelings or whether or not I was even in the relationship. I didn't know what to do or who to talk to about these feelings so I wrote them in a journal. The wife found the journal.

They did not tell me they found it. They just literally stopped talking to me or touching me or anything like that. They were very distant and vague with everything they said to me. Last I knew I was their girlfriend so I kept asking if they were mad at me or if there were any probs and they kept saying no everything's fine. This went on for weeks until I decided I was so uncomfortable I had to leave and I moved out. Then I got a text from the husband saying they were no longer romantically interested in me but they hoped for the best for me and my son.

Well I was angry and felt there was no communication with me, only each other and I had no idea what I had done wrong because I had no clue that the wife had found the journal. So we weren't even friends for roughly six months and then I messaged them telling them I missed them and was sorry about the way things ended. (It was a huge message but that's basically what it said) they added me again on facebook and we started talking again.

This time things were different. They were not shy about telling me how they felt about me. Found out right away from the husband that they had not even played with anyone since me and they missed me so much. Said they craved for more than just friendship with me, etc... I knew I loved them and wanted to be with them so I decided to try and I wouldn't be too scared to ask questions this time. See that was how I figured I would fix what went wrong last time. Moving in this time was just the logical thing to do since we were agreeing to mix families, i.e. the promise of rings, (the wife's idea) wants me to have a baby in the future (not today), and they want me to see them as husband and wife. They both tell me they love me and I love them.

There is so much about this that works so well, it feels right, I have never been happier and I just love seeing them happy. We all three think along the same lines and have a lot of similar interests.

When it comes to money, they just have a virtual pot of money that pays the bills and takes care of the family. All the husband's money, all the wife's money and all my money goes into it because this is a community thing and I understood that from the get go. I feel like if I were to bring up the money thing it would cause them to question whether I am completely committed and I do not want them to think I don't trust them.

I have been bringing my feelings to them. I told them I could not allow my son to live in a house where people smoked inside the house because of his heart condition and that was a dealbreaker for me. So they smoke outside now. But when I brought it up, I felt like they took it personally and they told me I didn't need to get mad among other things and I was not mad, just simply stating a fact to them. That is just one example. I am not completely helpless as many of you may think because of my previous post but what I am helpless about is walking away. I do not want to end things and I do not think things need to end.

But the journal, (last night she told me she found it last year, literally) caused problems and those were my feelings. And instead of coming to me and saying hey I read your journal and there were these things in it, she went to the husband and they decided together that I was unhappy and that they needed to back off so they did. I have to admit it bothers me a little that she read my journal but what bothers me even more is that she did not come to me about it and so I have been wondering for the longest time what I did back then to make things go wrong. What if I came to them with very real, justifiable feelings and they take it personally like I am saying I do not want to be with them and they just pull back again? I worry that that's what will happen if I say hey is it okay for me to touch your husband when you're not around, or hey I am not sure how I feel about the money all being tied together, etc... I worry they will just pull back again without a word, just a formal break up text a couple weeks down the road.

So there you have it. It's a long story and I knew if I responded to something I'd have to go into a lot of detail and I'll admit I didn't want to open up this much but there is no way to get advice without it and I figured I would clarify so you guys understand a little better. I don't think they set out to make things like this but despite the girlfriends they have had before, they have never loved any of them like this according to what they say. Honestly, I don't even see what is so hard to believe about my story but it is the truth to the best of my ability and I really need help. Each day is getting a little worse for me because I go to bed each night, not having discussed the issues I would like to and so I wake up thinking about them and wondering how I can approach this. I love the facebook message idea but since I don't want to affect their day at work and school, I don't know if I can really do that.

Sorry if I wrote too much but I had to explain better then the past two posts I have attempted and please keep in mind everyone that I am super new to all of this and it's my first time letting anyone know anything about it so I am sorry if I was confusing or unclear.
Thank you all for your responses. I am going to keep some of0 my own money as a nest so that I will not be left homeless if things end badly though.
 
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