New three way relationship

K

Kev578

New member
Me and my wife decided to bring another woman into our relationship that she is attracted to.

We agreed she lives with us now and they have time alone together but my wife is having issues when she is at work and we are alone.
We went to see her at work and she blew a gasket because i told her that I cooked her breakfast.
She blew another gasket when she saw me holding her girlfriends kid.

She cannot have a kid so she said she is scared that I am going to run off with her girlfriend.

She has changed her attitude to me and is being very hateful and starting arguments left and right with me, I am frankly ready to leave, its almost like she wants to be with only her.

This is week one by the way

I feel like she is getting jealous not over me but of her new girlfriend.
Any normal conversation results her in verbally abusing me.

Any suggestions is helpful.
 
I am sorry you struggle. Sounds like you guys moved in together much too fast without talking enough. :(

What is your desired outcome? It's hard to give feedback without knowing that.

You sound like you just want wife to stop abusing you at minimum. Is that right?

She cannot have a kid so she said she is scared that I am going to run off with her girlfriend.
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Well, verbally abusing you because of her fear is not the answer. That only serves to alienate you.

Here is what I suggest:

SHORT TERM/IMMEDIATE:

To get a break for YOU -- maybe go stay a hotel or with a friend for a few days for a breather. Then you can get some rest at least so you go into problem solving mode rested and with some energy.

MEDIUM TERM:

I suggest you ask the GF to move back out. It was premature to move in. It would have been better to date her but have her live in her own home, not in yours. Depending on her situation, this could take a bit with apartment deposits and whatnot. Aid in appropriate ways. (Did you mean this is week one dating her or week one living together? I am not clear on that.)

LONG TERM:

I suggest you talk with a counselor to figure out the rest. Maybe a neutral third party can help facilitate conversation across you three so it doesn't go to those angry places. Calling to make the appointment can happen today, but the work to sort this stuff out might take longer.

Is wife aware that her behavior makes you want to leave? It's going to become something of a self fulfilling prophecy if she keeps on berating you. If what wife wants is a "V" rather than a "triad" - how do you feel about it? How does GF?

Normally I would suggest something like these links

http://www.kathylabriola.com/articles/are-you-in-poly-hell
http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/images/Jealousy_Updated_10-6-10.pdf
http://www.kathylabriola.com/articl...nster-managing-jealousy-in-open-relationships

but I do not think you guys are not going to solve this on your own. Having to talk OVER her anger is not constructive or helpful. She is not able to LISTEN like that. She sounds in pain with strong emotion, but it is not ok to rain abuse on loved ones.

Maybe you can have several irons in the fire at once and be patient and each sorts out in time?

But if your desired outcome is to just leave, then that's different feedback that you would need.

What IS your desired outcome?

Galagirl
 
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I dont mind the three way relationship even suggested it be between them for now while she sorts her feelings out.

I am going to stear clear of the girlfriend for now until things cool over at a friends house.
 
Correct, if I could just talk to her to figure out what her feelings is without the abuse everything would be fine.
 
It sounds like you staying at a friend's house and you not dating the GF too helps de-escalate the situation.

If it never becomes a triad, are you ok with Wife being the hinge in a "V" arrangement? She's the shared sweetie?

It sounds like you are willing to problem solve, if wife can come to the table without spewing abuse.

Could you also call a poly-friendly counselor? Even just for you could help you get a handle on this. Whether or not wife and GF want to attend.

Eventually wife has to hold up her end of the bag and stop behaving like this marriage wise. Raining abuse on her husband would not be healthy even without a GF in the picture. You cannot be walking on eggshells in your marriage and feel good.

You might be able to forgive outburst once in unusual circumstances but this cannot become like a HABIT thing. I hope she is able to calm down and get a grip on her emotional management. Figure out more appropriate ways to express how she feels.

Because to me making someone breakfast or holding a kid are NOT reasons for "blowing a gasket." What's the big deal about it?

Hang in there!

Galagirl
 
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I was thinking of calling a counselor to help me wrap my brain around this.

This is way more complicated than i thought it was.
 
My wife wanted this to be a triangle relationship but I suggested to her for it to be a V for now until she stops seeing her GF or me as a threat of taking the other away.
 
You wife sounds WILLING for it to be a triad. But she is discovering she does not have the intrapersonal / interpersonal skills for her to be ABLE to participate in a triad at this time.

There also seems to be a lack of clarity too. Maybe she was only up for sex share in trio. No sex outside of threesomes. And these kind gestures like making breakfast and holding the kid are triggering for her. Because gestures like that move into the emotional zone -- sharing, caring, love, etc. And she was not up for love share, sharing of the heart? She only wanted sex share, sharing of the body?

Do call a counselor. If your wife is not good at articulating things on her own, you guys might benefit from professional guidance.

Hang in there!

Galagirl
 
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It's said that being in a poly relationship will bring all of your unresolved emotional issues to the forefront. Unfortunately, it seems this is the case with your wife.

I have dealt with infertility for a very long time - over a decade - and sometimes I still have sparks of sadness and anger over the unfairness of it all. However, I certainly don't lash out at anyone, or "blow a gasket" because my partners hold a child. Your wife needs counseling. If this is supposed to be an equal triad, you should be able to discuss having children with your girlfriend without your wife going nuts. Otherwise, that seems very unfair and couple-centric. The fact that you can't even hold her child? Dude, that is crazy.

I'm not saying you even want kids with your girlfriend - but the fact that your wife can't respond rationally to an everyday occurrence, that speaks volumes about her mental state when surrounding this issue. She needs compassion and counseling, stat.

[As far as I know, I can have biological children, but my ex-husband 100% could not. My current husband and I had other male-factor infertility issues. I ended up adopting 3 older children and haven't ever felt like less of a mother. At this time, no one in my V wants more kiddos and I am perfectly fine without having biological children in my life.]
 
Thanks for the info, I am completely fine with either a v or triangle and so is the girlfriend but I have to get my wife counseling.

She had a bad childhood and was in a abusive relationship, so I can see where she is coming from but it is just driving me crazy with the absurdness.
 
Yeah, your wife is having extreme jealousy issues. Off the charts. Definitely needs counseling. If you need assistance finding a poly-friendly counselor I can provide you with some links/info.

That's a harsh situation you're in, I don't envy you.
 
How soon after you and your wife decided to "add someone to your relationship" :rolleyes: did this woman move in? I ask because it sounds like you two let this woman move in very soon after just bringing up the idea of poly with each other, and that isn't very smart or practical.

The smartest thing for a couple to do is to wait until at least about a year into an established relationship among all three of you before you all share a household together or have a lover move in with you! Think about it - did you and your wife move in together the night after you asked her out on your first date? I am sure that did not happen.

Living with other people is hard enough without having an established rhthym, mutual understanding, and a harmonious dynamic together. Those things only come with time. Time to see how holidays and special occasions go before living with someone and calling them your girlfriend.

In addition, many couples take a year or more of just talking about all the possible ups and downs, fears and insecurities, dreams and desires, and practical logistics, before they even ask someone new out for a date. If you've let this woman move in before you know her very well, and without waiting until you and your wife have discussed all the angles, then I am sorry but you just set yourself up for a lot of drama and surprises. Don't even try to have additional relationships -- much less have anyone move in -- before you both have spent a lot of time working to know yourselves and each other, and all of your issues and feelings, extremely well.
 
Kev578 said:
Me and my wife decided to bring another woman into our relationship that she is attracted to.

We agreed she lives with us now and they have time alone together but my wife is having issues when she is at work and we are alone.
We went to see her at work and she blew a gasket because i told her that I cooked her breakfast.
She blew another gasket when she saw me holding her girlfriends kid.

She cannot have a kid so she said she is scared that I am going to run off with her girlfriend.

She has changed her attitude to me and is being very hateful and starting arguments left and right with me, I am frankly ready to leave, its almost like she wants to be with only her.

This is week one by the way

I feel like she is getting jealous not over me but of her new girlfriend.
Any normal conversation results her in verbally abusing me.

Any suggestions is helpful.
Click to expand...

Often I've seen people use one problem to cover up larger problems which is what this sounds like to me. I think that many times, as well, people just assume that being poly/swinging will help with problems, but if you go into it with unresolved problems and are unable to properly communicate them, this sort of relationship will make it even worse.
 
To clear some questions up, she was dating this girl for almost a year, I met her a couple times but no real interaction until recently.

My wife is scared that I am going to like her girlfriends body/looks better than hers and leave her.
The girlfriend is open to a triad and so am I but my wife is the one that is having issues which is understandable.
She said when she thinks about it, it turns her on but also makes her jealous/sad because she feels like I am cheating on her.

right now it is a V, what could I do to make her realize I am not going anywhere no matter if it turns into a triad?
 
Kev578 said:
right now it is a V, what could I do to make her realize I am not going anywhere no matter if it turns into a triad?
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Who is advocating for things to change into a triad? Sounds like your wife is nowhere near interested in that. Why "make her realize" anything at all?
 
So, I gather that your wife had a gf for a year, but you don't date/have sex with other women? Do you date/have sex with other men?

Or did you have some kind of deal where it was OK for your wife to see a woman, because she is bi, but you're a straight man, and should be satisfied with just your wife?

Somehow one of you came up with the idea to "share" your gf now. Why? What was the motivation and desired outcome of this ill considered idea? And to actually move her gf into the house and not have the forethought that that would mean you and "her" gf (or "our" gf :rolleyes: ) sharing space when wife wasn't home? Doing normal things like sharing the kitchen, holding her kid, and any other activity.

I'd say, beg the gf's mercy. Help her move back out. Work with your wife, if possible, if she is willing, on poly principles, including major work on envy, jealousy, fear of loss. Poly works best when couples each date independently. Your wife is dealing with jealousy. She still will if/when you find a gf of your own (should you want one) but at least she won't be fucking with her own gf's emotions.

If she is not willing to do this work, I question her commitment to your relationship.
 
Re (from Kev578):
"What could I do to make her realize I am not going anywhere no matter if it turns into a triad?"
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I don't think you can make her realize anything; she has to do the realizing herself. The only thing you can do is prove over time that she can trust you, by acting consistently trustworthy.

You might want to think about what you're willing to go along with here. What if she never wants a triad? What if she forever wants a V? If she's working on being okay with a triad, how long do you want to wait around for her to get there? Months? Years? Decades? You should probably let her know.

I still think she needs (poly-friendly) counseling.
 
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