I've come too far for this compilation :(

S

scarlet90

New member
I am non- monogamous. I always have been , as a child wondering why the princess has to choose between 2 great men, as a teen constantly battling the fight of not cheating and wondering why I cheated, as a young adult - married, child and constant urges (but no cheating)
Then open marriage and with no correlation separation (we are still the best of friends)

Boyfriend of 10 months, we got together when I was with someone else and that was the terms for about 3 months
I break up with this 1st guy because I just wasn't falling in love and he was with me it was unfair. So now just with BF, we dont sleep with anyone else because we are too busy falling in love. Few months down the line and a few events and truths later I find out we are NOT in an open relationship. . !!!

He wont talk about it, he gets angry or litrally does not talk. I've tried so much, ive come through a huge journey these last 3years and my openness in my marriage changed me, me and husband went through a journey together and have already done alot of hard work focusing on who we are. I understand that BF has not done all of this and its hard at times and different to what everybody and everything tells you. The fact of the matter still stands that he entered into a relationship with me knowing full well that I am how I am , let me fall in love with him and then say you cant be poly anymore, sorry.

I dont want a sexual or non sexual relationship with anyone else presently, there is no pressure of me seeing someone. I just want to talk, I want to talk about our future and who I am and I need to, When I was with my husband I would say this exact forum post to him, but with BF im here on a forum, no one to talk to (ive never come out) crying on my phone. I just need to talk about this because hes making me feel ashamed of who I am. And I've come too far and felt too ashamed to go back to that place, it hurts my soul.

I hope this post wasn't too much and its ok to do a first posg like this, I should have said hello and thanks for the great site. Thanks anyone for reading and if you have any suggestioms for my emotional ramble please fire away. Xx
 
Post is NOT "too much" - and I think it is a fine first post. I hope you find the support you need here (and elsewhere!).

To me, it sounds like your boyfriend entered into this relationship with the idea that you would "settle down" as things got serious. And the events that followed, you breaking up with the other guy, you guys being sexually monogamous during the "bonding"/falling in love time reinforced his expectations that you were riding the same relationship escalator that he was. THAT part is nobody's fault. You were honest all along, he made assumptions. It sucks, but it happens.

But NOW? Him refusing to talk to you about it and "shaming" you for who you are? NOT COOL DUDE! THIS is not loving behavior. Bait and switch tactics = unethical (to be fair, likely subconscious on his part). You are 10 months into this relationship and it turns out that you and he are NOT on the same page. Good to find out now. "Hon, this is who I AM, and you are not OK with that - your choice. But I refuse to participate in a relationship that expects me to be someone I am NOT." Rather than expecting the other person to change, contorting themselves into something they are not (i.e. you contorting into monogamy, him contorting into "ok with poly") better to part friends and stop NOW.

My two cents.
 
I was thinking I might have to be very open and unapologetic regarding any statements and yes, just say like it or lump it. I don't want to but I think I have to. Its not me to be so cruel but one thing I've learnt is my happiness comes first so I can make others happy. All it is is talking after all, whos knows I could stay with one partner for years and years, or I could connect with someone new next week. I just feel so lonely with my sexuality.
 
He can say "I am not comfortable with you dating other people" all he wants. He is making a request. You have been upfront all along and have the right to say, "No, not willing to do that. Is there something else we can do to address your concerns?" It may result in the two of you ending, but like you said, do you really want to be in a relationship where you are shamed for being the person you are and controlled by your partner? I certainly wouldn't. You don't need his permission, you can simply let him know that you will be seeing other people. It will then be up to him to decide if that's something he's willing to accept or if he wants to end the relationship.

I'm sorry you're going through this - it sounds like you're between a rock and a hard place. Take care.
 
scarlet90 said:
....I just need to talk about this because hes making me feel ashamed of who I am. And I've come too far and felt too ashamed to go back to that place, it hurts my soul.
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Is he is making efforts to shame you or is he is struggling and not communicating very well? You feel ashamed, but it's not possible for anyone to make you feel ashamed. True, this is a difficult situation, no doubt about it, but assigning blame doesn't really move things along. Nobody can make anyone feel shame. Shame has to have fertile ground in order to grow. If you yourself are not in the least bit ashamed of your desires, there is no way anyone can shame you.
 
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I am sorry you struggle.

Let me repeat it back so I know I got it ok? You correct me if I am wrong. To me you sound like you have layers going on there.


1) You and your BF got together. At the time he entered the relationship knowing you were poly and you were NOT agreeing to a Closed relationship.

2) Some time passes. You both fall in love with each other.

3) Some more time passes. He's no longer up for being in an Open relationship. He wants to Close. He asks you to Close. You tell him you do not want to Close.

4) He responds by acting out in two ways... Giving you the silent treatment or anger outbursts.

5) You don't have to be unkind about it, but could be matter of fact. "I do not want Closed. I can only offer Open relationship. If you decide that is no longer something you want, we must part ways." There's nothing mean in that statement.

6) He does shaming behavior toward you like calling you names? Are you able to tell him to stop that mean behavior? And ask him to express his upset/disappointment that this is not a match any more in a more healthy way than tearing people down? (ex: "This situation stinks!" vs "YOU stink!") It is a bummer, but it is not anyone's fault. Each of you is allowed to want what each of you likes. They simply do not line up any more.

7) Are you doing self blame behavior and then feel ashamed as a result? Thinking things like "If only I wasn't this way... this wouldn't even be a problem between us?" In that case, it is you shaming you with your internal thoughts. Are you able to stop that thinking pattern?"

8) You are lonely and want to share mental and emotional intimacy with him. Your poly thoughts and feelings. He's not up for that -- like he doesn't want to know/love all of you. Just the parts that he can deal with. You struggle with this. Is where you are at? You feel sad the person closest to you isn't interested in knowing you inner life stuff?

​

Galagirl
 
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scarlet90 said:
So now just with BF, we dont sleep with anyone else because we are too busy falling in love. Few months down the line and a few events and truths later I find out we are NOT in an open relationship. . !!!
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I'm trying to understand how it seems to have "just suddenly happened" that you're not in an open relationship, without an explicit agreement to change the nature of the relationship.

As far as I'm concerned, the relationship began open in principle and in practice. Then you stopped dating other people as a matter of coincidence, and then when you were ready to begin dating other people again... what, he unilaterally changed your relationship structure without your input?

Uhm, no? Sorry dude, but it just doesn't work that way. He joined an open relationship. He can wish it otherwise all he wants, but he doesn't get to dictate your behaviour. You're not the one who tried to change the rules, and you're not breaking any agreements by dating other people.

He wont talk about it, he gets angry or litrally does not talk. I've tried so much, ive come through a huge journey these last 3years and my openness in my marriage changed me, me and husband went through a journey together and have already done alot of hard work focusing on who we are. I understand that BF has not done all of this and its hard at times and different to what everybody and everything tells you. The fact of the matter still stands that he entered into a relationship with me knowing full well that I am how I am , let me fall in love with him and then say you cant be poly anymore, sorry.
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Not up to him. You are who you are. He chose to join a relationship with you, it's 100% his issue to come to terms with that. Of course you can support him and educate him, to the extent that he'll accept it from you; but you can't be expected to change who you are just to make his life easier.

He won't talk about it, fine. You sit him down and say "Hey, dude. We're in an open relationship. We always have been, even while you were busy pretending we were in a closed relationship. Not my fault that you didn't consult me, and you decided you could just change our relationship structure without my input. But you can't. If you didn't want to be in an open relationship, you should have thought about that 10 months ago. Going forward, it's your choice how to handle that. But this is who I am, this is who I always have been, and it's grossly unfair for you to expect me to change who I am just because you're uncomfortable."

He might have been sitting there all smug thinking, "I'll just tell her how it's gonna be. I'll refuse to discuss it. Then I won't have to deal with any of this poly stuff." And as long as you curtail to that, then he's right. So it's up to you to be as stubborn as he's being, and just stand up for what you know is right for you.

I guess the charitable interpretation is that he assumed you were "open" in the sense that people are never really serious when they're dating and playing the field, and he just assumed mononormative structure without realizing you meant poly as a way of life, not just dating at the beginning. But it sounds to me like you were perfectly clear of your intentions and never made any promises of exclusivity. You can't be blamed for his mononormative assumptions.
 
I bet I can guess what his feelings are. First and foremost its always easier to be the guy who walks into an established relationship and becomes the "guy on the side" its a giant ego boost for a variety of reasons.
1. he may assume your husband wasn't that great since you looked outside the relationship for more, hubby didn't meet all your needs
2. he's a total stud for getting a married woman interested in him
3. you and hubby apparently have parted ways while keeping this guy, he probably feels he "won" and is superior to hubby

Now he is having a massive ego ding because everything he has thought about your ex husband is being turned back on him. He never had to go through the work of understanding that your poly had more to do with the freedom of loving others than with your ex husbands shortcomings. Now he feels like a loser and he's angry about it because he thought he was filling ALL your needs like a "real" man should.

Admittedly I don't know him, but I see this as a very plausible inner narrative.
 
Gravitron, I don't thins Scarlet was married when she got together with her BF. It sounds to me that she was already divorced, and dating someone else.
 
Thanks every one ever so much, I didnt realise there would be such a pool of support online! You guys have helped massively, although im screaming in my head to say something now, we are actually going on holiday nxt weekend. So should probs keep it zipped. It gives me enough time to think of a good sentence, how i want to come across and what the outcomes may be. I like this guy very much, much more than anyone else.

GalaGirl said:
I am sorry you struggle.

1) You and your BF got together. At the time he entered the relationship knowing you were poly and you were NOT agreeing to a Closed relationship.

2) Some time passes. You both fall in love with each other.

3) Some more time passes. He's no longer up for being in an Open relationship. He wants to Close. He asks you to Close. You tell him you do not want to Close.

4) He responds by acting out in two ways... Giving you the silent treatment or anger outbursts.

5) You don't have to be unkind about it, but could be matter of fact. "I do not want Closed. I can only offer Open relationship. If you decide that is no longer something you want, we must part ways." There's nothing mean in that statement.

6) He does shaming behavior toward you like calling you names? Are you able to tell him to stop that mean behavior? And ask him to express his upset/disappointment that this is not a match any more in a more healthy way than tearing people down? (ex: "This situation stinks!" vs "YOU stink!") It is a bummer, but it is not anyone's fault. Each of you is allowed to want what each of you likes. They simply do not line up any more.

7) Are you doing self blame behavior and then feel ashamed as a result? Thinking things like "If only I wasn't this way... this wouldn't even be a problem between us?" In that case, it is you shaming you with your internal thoughts. Are you able to stop that thinking pattern?"

8) You are lonely and want to share mental and emotional intimacy with him. Your poly thoughts and feelings. He's not up for that -- like he doesn't want to know/love all of you. Just the parts that he can deal with. You struggle with this. Is where you are at? You feel sad the person closest to you isn't interested in knowing you inner life stuff?

​

Galagirl
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1. Yes and yes, never agreed a closed relationship. Always mentioning this or that...
2.yes
3. Yes... I went out with someone i felt i could get close to (cooking dinners sharing a kiss) Told him and then it was like WTF.
4.The outburst are usually silent anger. Making me feel uncomfortable even in my own home.
5.
6. He has said things once or twice, but generally the way i feel/see it is if you are unwilling to talk to me about this, you dont want me to talk about this because its awful to, then really thats the shaming right there?? But he does feed into my securities and self-hate - thats all me.
7.Yes , sometimes but i usually go to exbf (also poly) and we have a chat and he makes me feel better and not un normal.
8. Yes, very sad i cant share my life with him.

SchrodingersCat said:
I'm trying to understand how it seems to have "just suddenly happened" that you're not in an open relationship, without an explicit agreement to change the nature of the relationship.


He won't talk about it, fine. You sit him down and say "Hey, dude. We're in an open relationship. We always have been, even while you were busy pretending we were in a closed relationship. Not my fault that you didn't consult me, and you decided you could just change our relationship structure without my input. But you can't. If you didn't want to be in an open relationship, you should have thought about that 10 months ago. Going forward, it's your choice how to handle that. But this is who I am, this is who I always have been, and it's grossly unfair for you to expect me to change who I am just because you're uncomfortable."
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I don't know how it happened, I was always saying about this date or that or poly life. He just didn't sleep with anyone else and thinks its MY CHOICE that i can stop sleeping with other people (tbh its not even about sex for me) and and by staying monogamous for a fair few months i guess he just presumed i was going to stay that way forever.

I like the wording on the second bit. the " If you didn't want to be in an open relationship, you should have thought about that 10 months ago. Going forward, it's your choice how to handle that. But this is who I am, this is who I always have been"

GreenAcres said:
Gravitron, I don't thins Scarlet was married when she got together with her BF. It sounds to me that she was already divorced, and dating someone else.
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I have been seperated for 2 years , this was my EXBF and my current BF.
 
5 is missing. So basically you have not told him anything? Is that where the shame is coming from? You not speaking up for yourself like nipping it in the bud?

6. He has said things once or twice, but generally the way i feel/see it is if you are unwilling to talk to me about this, you dont want me to talk about this because its awful to, then really thats the shaming right there?? But he does feed into my securities and self-hate - thats all me.
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Let me see if I got that.

You think that if a person does not want to talk with you about something because they are mad right now... that is them shaming you? Rather than them trying to cool off?

What is he doing? Giving you mean looks and pretending you do not exist? Or just acting like this never happened?

Are you taking this personally?

What does going on vacation with him do? How is postponing giving him a response helpful?

Are you conflict avoidant? Could this help you?

http://www.mindtools.com/pages/article/newLDR_81.htm

I see two problems here.

1 ) That BF jumped to conclusions and needs to be set straight. If he is going to continue here he needs to know you are not closed. If he gets upset when you date, it is from him choosing to stay in a thing that does not suit him. Not from you dating.

2) You have self hatred. And perhaps take other people's upset on board for yourself.


Galagirl
 
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GalaGirl said:
You think that if a person does not want to talk with you about something because they are mad right now... that is them shaming you? Rather than them trying to cool off?

What is he doing? Giving you mean looks and pretending you do not exist? Or just acting like this never happened?

Are you taking this personally?

What does going on vacation with him do? How is postponing giving him a response helpful?

Are you conflict avoidant? Could this help you?

http://www.mindtools.com/pages/article/newLDR_81.htm




Galagirl
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He just goes quiet and he could be happy as anything , then I start to bring something up(stress on start to) and he will stay passively quiet and moody looking for maybe 2 days. Sometimes more. So , yes it might be through my own negativity, but I take this personally as like; Expressing who I am = no talking for 2 days.

I do conflict avoid, thanks for the link.
that's one of the main reasons I got into a relationship where I thought this wouldn't happen. I hadn't planned for this, there are many trials people have to go through to share their life with one another. I really thought this time was the right one for me. Hes turned out monogamous and I feel like I've been fucked over once again. I suppose I want to wait till after the holiday because I am so passionate about him and I suppose im guessing once this is said it'll be done.
 
Is it too late to cancel the trip and get money back? I wouldn't go with someone essentially throwing a passive-aggressive tantrum. Screw that "noise". It's so easy to put on a show during a trip/vacation, especially since you've already been handed the bait and switch on a silver platter.
 
Maybe it's time to ask him what's up with his moodiness after talking too. "hey hon, I feel like after I try to talk to you about myself, you tend to get distant and quiet. Am I right in noticing this? Can I ask what's going on for you? Does it feel safe to share that with me?" And then just listen to where he's coming from. I can see why you'd jump to the conclusion that you can't express yourself, but I wonder what his perspective is in all this. In allowing him to open up, maybe you two can create a safe space for both of you to open up and be supportive of one another, without necessarily having the same beliefs. Collaborative, not competitive.
 
Well, on the BF front you sound like you have a plan. Go on vacation, then tell him and break up. I would prefer to tell him now, attempt to understand his viewpoint without taking it personally...but I am not you. You have to do it how you are best able to at this time. Get yourself to a less stressy place.

I am not hearing a plan at this time for dealing with your self hatred and taking things personally. I hope you do spend some time on that area when you are able. Maybe before dating again? I think that part of the puzzle repeats itself, and could keep repeating til you do that inner work.

If "you keep getting fucked over" many times, after a point you could consider that it might be your approach or your handling of things that's the variable all these things have in common. Some introspection might be in order.

GL!

Galagirl
 
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