Dating site profiles... OKCupid Etc.

J

JasonJones

New member
I did some searching and couldn't sift through the 35 page posts to extract what I needed. Sooo I figured I'd post the question and hope some of you guys/girls knew the answer or at least point me to a specific post to read.

Since I have no interest in being the monogamous partner in a poly marriage. I've got a lot of love to give too. :) I am starting to venture into using these awesome tools that weren't available when I was a lot younger. Sheesh...that makes me sound old... What will I say next... "you kids get off my lawn?!?!?".. but I digress. Dating profiles. I know I can write a decent profile, but I often wonder how detailed I should get. ...and addressing the 800lb gorilla in the room that I am in a poly relationship. In okc I have open relationship and mostly non-monogamous, but I am sure you need to address it somehow in the profile itself.

Those with experience, how did you guys address it?

Thanks in advance.

-J
 
I mention it in the second paragraph. I'd say 80% of the scrubs that message me don't read my profile, but it's good to get it out there for those men that can actually read.

Hi people, thanks for stopping by!

Who or what am I? ...eclectic, alternative, intelligent, well-read, progressive, sensuous, self-actualized, and adventurous... I've got a good sense of humor (and I hope you do, too!). I love the arts: music, both recorded and live (I WILL dance at a live show), movies, fine art, design, architecture, fashion as art. I also start to fade if I don't get out in nature on a regular basis, especially beaches. I like a nice mix of urban stimulation and country/small town chillin.

If you read this far, let me tell you I am polyamorous. I've got a live-in girlfriend. I am open to meeting others if we are a high match and have similar values, tastes, sense of humor and damn fine chemistry.
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I lay it out right from the top:


"I'm married and in an open relationship, which means that I have a home base and enjoy friendships with no limits. We allow each other quite a bit more freedom than most married couples, I imagine. My husband honors my polyamorous proclivity and after 16 years and spawning two kids, it's a mutually respectful arrangement that makes for a peaceful and happy home." (The I go on to blab about myself.)



Also have this in the You Should Message Me If section at the bottom:


You should message me if:
....you are a loving person. I am very accepting & friendly, so people who orbit up with me are much the same. If you have a loving & generous presence, then we're off to a great start.
....you are open to an unrestricted, non-monogomous relationship - emphasis on relationship.
.....you are conversant and value knowing the people you date. I'm a person worth knowing and you should be, too.
.....you value courtship and the friendship part of sex as much as the sex part of sex.
....you like to know people over the long term. I'm married, yes, but I also put my whole heart into my friendships, so short lived romps, however much fun they can be, are not really what I'm looking for.

My world is a great place, so if you're in it - lucky you!
 
It's pretty much the first thing in my profile. OKC is a dating site, and since I'm married and I have a girlfriend, there's no point even going to coffee with someone who's looking for a closed, monogamous relationship. Waste of everyone's time.

I'm also past the stage of life where I have any interest in "training" someone who's not already at least poly-aware. I'm always up for education and discussion, but I don't really have the patience these days to help someone deal with their jealousy and insecurity issues. If someone thought I was worth it (and vice-versa) and I was confident they could do that work in themselves, with me as support but not mentor, then maybe... but bottom line, I don't need an apprentice.

I'm also asexual, and I put that up front too. Same idea... no point wasting time with people who think they're going to get laid.
 
Thanks for the responses. Its good to have the insight of others and very helpful. I am so going to use some of those things in my profile. :)

-J
 
The immediate problem I saw with OKC was that at first registration it asks if you are "single or married and just here for friends" for a married polyamorous person like me neither applies. What do other people put?
 
zigzag said:
The immediate problem I saw with OKC was that at first registration it asks if you are "single or married and just here for friends" for a married polyamorous person like me neither applies. What do other people put?
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I choose "married" (because I am) and choose non-monogamous relationship type. In the search I come up when someone is looking for a non-monogamous relationship. When I search for non-monogamous people, a lot of married people are in the results and most of them mention poly in their written profile.
 
HappilyFallenAngel said:
I choose "married" (because I am) and choose non-monogamous relationship type. In the search I come up when someone is looking for a non-monogamous relationship. When I search for non-monogamous people, a lot of married people are in the results and most of them mention poly in their written profile.
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Thanks that is really helpful.
 
Like HappilyFallenAngel I put it (and that I'm kinky) both at the top, and again in the "you should message me if" part.

In both places, I wrote that being poly (and kinky) or non-negotiable.

When someone messages me (or I message them), I reiterate those things within the first few exchanges, and ask if they're OK/clear on them. You wouldn't believe the number of people who say something like "well, I'm not into those things, but I figure we can get to know each other before we make any decisions on how important they are". No. No, no, no. If you're not OK with them NOW, let's not waste time dating, because they are not negotiable!

Jon is on OKC also when dating Lora, and he also got a number of messages from people (men and women) who, when he mentioned he was poly and in a serious relationship, would say something like "well, I'm sure that if you get to know me, you'll see how amazing I am and want to give that up" :confused:

So I am a big fan of making sure that anybody you talk to does that you're poly and understands that you are going to continue to be poly - no matter how wonderful and perfect they are.
 
zigzag said:
The immediate problem I saw with OKC was that at first registration it asks if you are "single or married and just here for friends" for a married polyamorous person like me neither applies. What do other people put?
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If you're married... then doesn't "married" apply quite accurately?

My gf got a shirt from her hubby one xmas... "I'm married, but it's not serious."

Dating married people is infinitely different from dating single people or poly people who are dating a few others but no live-ins (I'm including common-law as married). It's not about people being more important as people or anything, just a simple reality that when two people share a household, their lives are inherently more intertwined than two people who live apart.

Some people, even if they're poly, are looking for someone to be in a marriage-type relationship with, and so they might be perfectly fine with you being poly, might even prefer it, but don't want to spend time with married folks because that makes marriage already off the table. I got dumped once because I told the guy I couldn't see us ever getting married, and he didn't see a point being in any relationship where marriage wasn't at least a possibility.

LizziE said:
You wouldn't believe the number of people who say something like "well, I'm not into those things, but I figure we can get to know each other before we make any decisions on how important they are". No. No, no, no. If you're not OK with them NOW, let's not waste time dating, because they are not negotiable!
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Ugh, what's with stupid people? Here's some insight, dear stranger on the internet: my lifestyle is much, much more important to me than you are, and that decision was made long before I knew your username. And don't get me started on the undesirability of people who expect me to give up my personal values just for the privilege of basking in their presence.
 
SchrodingersCat said:
Here's some insight, dear stranger on the internet: my lifestyle is much, much more important to me than you are, and that decision was made long before I knew your username. And don't get me started on the undesirability of people who expect me to give up my personal values just for the privilege of basking in their presence.
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I love this and want to quote you in my profile! :)
 
SchrodingersCat said:
If you're married... then doesn't "married" apply quite accurately?
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I believe the choice is

a) single

b) married and just here for friends

so while "married" would apply, "married and just here for friends" doesn't.
 
Tonberry said:
I believe the choice is

a) single

b) married and just here for friends

so while "married" would apply, "married and just here for friends" doesn't.
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Maybe once upon a time, but not in ages. I've always been listed as "married" and always had a litany of "looking for..." items.

There are other dating sites that are less poly-friendly, but OKC isn't one of them.
 
SchrodingersCat said:
If you're married... then doesn't "married" apply quite accurately?
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No because it gives you the choice of "married and just here for freinds" or "single" (and still does today) the implications were that single people were looking for lovers while if you were married you were only looking for friends. If you are poly and married the second may not be true. As this is the very 1st question when you come to register, I wondered if this then restricted you as to how you can use the site, or matches it showed you. As has been pointed out you can sort this out once registered.
 
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If they only have those two options when you first sign up, then that is the only place. Once you flesh out a profile you can choose open relationship instead of married or single. And non-monogamous as your relationship style. And their orientation options have expanded, too.

Married isn't misleading; it's accurate. You can still opt for looking for dating. I think the sign up form is pretty basic and you have to dig in to get the good options.
 
zigzag said:
No because it gives you the choice of "married and just here for friends" or "single" (and still does today) the implications were that single people were looking for lovers while if you were married you were only looking for friends.
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Nobody on OKCupid is just looking for friends. Of course, a sprinkling might be, but I've never seen them. I think we sorted out earlier how married people can identify themselves as open/poly: in your "vital stats" area, written on your profile page and in the many questions about open relationships/poly. The married people I've run across mostly state that they are in open/poly relationships. Very few who have fully filled out profiles are (admittedly) cheating. Cheating seems to be "out of fashion" on OKC and there is another huge website for that. OKC very clearly has addressed the poly/open option and is a great place to meet poly people in your area who you otherwise would never even know about. I'm not exactly hiding, but I don't go around telling all and sundry that I'm poly and I have never been to a meet up.

BTW, you can deactivate and activate your OKC profile at the touch of a button (if anyone is on the fence about joining up.) It's not an all or nothing decision. When I get overwhelmed there or when I'm feeling that I have plenty already going on in my personal life, I just deactivate my profile for as long as I need the break from the world of "potential."
 
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zigzag said:
No because it gives you the choice of "married and just here for freinds" or "single" (and still does today) the implications were that single people were looking for lovers while if you were married you were only looking for friends. If you are poly and married the second may not be true. As this is the very 1st question when you come to register, I wondered if this then restricted you as to how you can use the site, or matches it showed you. As has been pointed out you can sort this out once registered.
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OKC changed in recent months. Used to be, you could list yourself as married, but still looking for dates. Then your status would be listed as "available" right next to your user name. Now it seems they've changed? Now I am listed as "woman," and men I look at are listed as "men." No "single, married or available" anymore. I guess transpeople can list themselves as trans now. They got rid of the marital status thing in favor of gender ID, so that transphobes won't unwittingly chat up a transperson? Ugh. Most transpeople I know want to list themselves as simply man or woman anyway. sigh...
 
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