Married 1st poly

Cholita

Cholita

New member
Hi everyone,

I am new to these forums, I am currently having my first experience with polyamory and running into some issues.
Would love some advice from people who are more experienced than I...

So I have been happily married and in a monogamous relationship for 6 years. During those 6 years my husband and I have been pretty much glued at the hip and have shared the same circle of friends and been deciding our weekends together.

Gradually over the last year we have been starting to go out separately and about 6 months ago we had the chat about opening our relationship and being allowed to see other people. This was my idea and something that I wanted.
He had been content before. But as he is a pretty easy going and open minded person, and he had appreciated my being honest and open with him, he agreed that we could give it a try.

There were some initial issues with insecurity, but through good communication we seem to be really relaxed with it now and even talk about our other relationships to each other a fair bit without getting jealous (I don't know if this is a good thing or if some stricter boundaries should be drawn here).

The issues i am having are not so much with my husband but mostly with my other partner... He was only the second person I had seen after opening the marriage, but we had a real deep connection and started to fall in love really quickly. We have only been together for 2 months but we agreed that we were in a real relationship after the first month.

This was defined as being committed to spending at least 2 days and 2 nights a week of quality time with him and him accepting that I have a husband and dont plan to end that relationship.

The problem is that he is not a poly type person. He comes from a really macho culture and he really thinks that what we are doing is not normal. I appreciate that he is making an effort to accept the situation because he loves me and we are happy together. But a poly relationship is not something he wanted in life.
Right now i am encouraging him to see other people so he can experience the benefits that this relationship style can bring about...but he is becomming extremely jealous and insecure. Lately he has been saying that this is hard for him and he wished i could be all his. There is not much I can do to prompt him to think differently because he doesnt read much or have the level of critical thinking necessary to question cultural norms that dictate how relationships should be. I dont want to lose him, but i feel suffocated by him.
 
It sounds like you have a cowboy in your hands, that is a mono person who wants to lead a poly person away from their other relationship(s) to be mono with them. My ex-lover had a similar situation where her new interest couldn't stand seeing her around other men, although he was cool with another woman. That made my ex feel very anxious and trapped, and she decided to end that relationship.

Sounds like the two of you got together really quickly, perhaps before getting to know each other very well? Could have been a lot of unspoken expectations from both sides: you expecting him to gradually become okay with poly and him expecting you will leave your husband for him once your relationship deepens. Have you had a good talk about your expectations for the future?
 
Cholita said:
....we had a real deep connection and started to fall in love really quickly. We have only been together for 2 months but we agreed that we were in a real relationship after the first month......he really thinks that what we are doing is not normal.
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Your relationship could not be more normal, in that you've been swept up in the initial euphoria of new love and after two months are only now emerging to look at things in a more realistic way. Everyone has to evaluate which differences he/she can live with in the other and that evaluation period usually starts a few months in. Focusing on changing his perspective about poly is dicey at best, considering what you say about his background. Relationships never work when one person is always trying to change the other, no matter how noble those intentions might be, no matter how much in love the partners feel. Yes, there are many books and articles you can try to get him to read, but he will always be trying to change for you, if he goes for this at all, and judging from how you describe him, he is firmly entrenched in his mono preference. Many differences between partners can be worked out, but the poly/mono difference only works when each partner comes to the poly concept with an open heart and an open mind. If he is not only uninterested in poly, but has a strong aversion to the concept, you're best served by really seeing this (now that you're able to) and proceeding from there.
 
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Shanti said:
It sounds like you have a cowboy in your hands...
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My understanding of a cowboy/cowgirl is that it's a person who deliberately sets out to "lasso" a poly partner into a mono relationship. This man sounds like a Regular Joe who just happened to find himself in a poly situation and has a mono outlook on relationships, like most of the population. I only mention it because "cowboy" has a negative connotation and he doesn't sound as if he's trying to manipulate anything here, but is just a guy who is strongly monogamous.
 
Hello and welcome to the forum!

First, your marriage sounds happy and solid - congrats! Mostly opening up a monogamous relationship is hard, but you really sound lucky in that sense.

we seem to be really relaxed with it now and even talk about our other relationships to each other a fair bit without getting jealous (I don't know if this is a good thing or if some stricter boundaries should be drawn here).
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I do not believe in strict boundaries. If no one is hurt by the discussions, fine. How much sharing is okay depends on all parties involved, really. Discuss with all your partners about their personal boundaries - what kind of things are okay to share with others, what they wish to keep private, and go on from there.

HappilyFallenAngel gave you good advice, listen to her. You say yourself:
I dont want to lose him, but i feel suffocated by him.
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This only after two months... listen to your own words! The initial infatuation is starting to wear off, and you feel suffocated. Break-ups suck, but sometimes they are necessary.
 
HappilyFallenAngel said:
My understanding of a cowboy/cowgirl is that it's a person who deliberately sets out to "lasso" a poly partner into a mono relationship. This man sounds like a Regular Joe who just happened to find himself in a poly situation and has a mono outlook on relationships, like most of the population. I only mention it because "cowboy" has a negative connotation and he doesn't sound as if he's trying to manipulate anything here, but is just a guy who is strongly monogamous.
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Agreed. It's easy to logically "get" polyamory, but it's another thing altogether when the emotions hit and you have no idea what to do with them. I've used the phrase "if we were in a traditional relationship" when having my struggles - it doesn't mean I was trying to pull Chops away from Xena, but it means that things can be VERY different between poly and mono relationships. Things like vacations, planning for the future, you name it. It's not cowboy/cowgirl-ish to see the difference and have negative feelings about it.

At any rate, I would caution the OP to not push her BF into dating if he really feels strongly monogamous. If he wants time with you, he wants it with *you*, and you may not be able to fulfill that need, given your circumstances. Telling a monogamous person to go date others can instead communicate "I don't see this as a committed relationship" because mono folks don't date multiple people unless they're "shopping around".

All I can suggest is to keep talking, keep reassuring your BF, and keep making sure he explains what he wants and needs out of this relationship. You may (both) be able to compromise, or you may not.

Best of luck...
 
I am very alpha and would not tolerate my wife dating other guys. She is free to do so but not as my wife. :) Luckily my wife does not even want another guy. However, I needed other women and my wife never got jealous so I had relationships with other women after about 5 years into our marriage. Problem is that sex releases Oxycotin which is a hormone that emotionally bonds a couple together. Have sex with the same person often enough and viola, you fall in love. There is a very good reason why sex is often referred to as making love and FBuddies often want more than just sex

After seeing the marriages of our friends end in divorce due to the wife or husband falling in love with someone else, we stopped everything else we were doing with other people, as a couple, and formed a polyfidelitous Triad with my wife's best friend. This happened after two of our best friends divorced due to trying to maintain relationships outside of the marriage. My best friend fell in love with his girlfriend who gradually got him to leave his wife. Why not? She was younger, prettier, better in bed, smarter and more exciting to be with than than his wife and mother of two kids. My other friend was OK with is wife's boss being her lover and she left him for her boss. He was rich and handsome and showed her a life that her husband could not. Always remember that we are just meat sacks filled with emotions. When they emotions take over, even against our will, we make poor choices and decisions.

Just a word about jealousy and insecurity. They are normal and ancient emotions that are still with us because they are successful in making sure that we do not waste time, energy and resources raising a child that carries some other man's genes. Although birth control has made this less of an issue, it still estimated to affect 10% of children who are not those of the man who thinks he is their father. Managing one relationship is hard enough and after time, the New Relationship Excitement will fade with your new lover too and you can end up like our friends did married for the 3rd or fourth time because they cannot settle down with one person. I know the feeling as I also have it, but control it because if I do not, I may end up like my friends on their third and fourth marriages with kids all over the place.

No matter what you think, you cannot be in two places at the same time or love several people exactly the same. You will favor one over the other for various reasons. Think what your husband may be thinking. You are promising him that you will still love him and never leave him but yet, breaking your marriage vows. That is the catch 22 in most of what we all do. We break our scared marriage vows and then try to convince our spouses that we will not break our word to them. Take sex and intimacy out of marriage where they are no longer special to just the two of you and what is left? I had one guy tell me that he felt like a sucker. His wife had a lover that she saw for all the fun and games time while he was working his butt off to support her, taking care of all the boring and mundane stuff that is needed to be done in any marriage. He said he could see and tell how she felt about her lover. She was all excited before seeing him and could not hide her feelings. You need to see things from your husband's point of view.

I always had more than one girlfriend at a time and my wife knew that. I had a reputation in our town. However, we agreed that despite my lust for other woman and my wife's need to feed her bisexuality, we either played together or not at all. As a result, our polyfidelitous Triad lasted 38 wonderful and fun filled years. Our girlfriend married a man she found online who was OK with her maintaining her relationship with us. Her husband was fresh off a divorce with a woman he was OK with dating other men. However, she left him for one of her lovers and told him that her new lover, loves her enough to want her all to himself, while he did not. Women are strange. They want to see other men but see it as a weakness when their husbands let them do it. Not the only time I have seen this happen. :) I think it is often discussed online that many women want their husbands to get jealous as a sign of their love. Love is strange. I am always in conflict with myself on this whole subject. I lived a poly life but also take my marriage seriously and would never date other women or be OK with my wife doing the same with men or women. We love together or not at all and that has worked for us.
 
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Len51 said:
If it helps, those who deal with situations like yours on a professional level report that the woman eventually finds maintaining two relationships very stressful and end up choosing one lover over the other.
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Len, there are a few points in your post that are pretty outrageous, but this one takes the cake. :eek: This is just complete and utter bullshit. You have absolutely no way of knowing this about "the woman." (Every woman? Many women? Half of women?)
 
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Oh please do not listen to Len51.

He believes his way is the only to do poly.

I have been successfully with both my husbands for over 3 years. I split my time between the homes I share with each one.

I have found self proclaimed alpha males are weak and insecure. Both my husbands are by no means push overs. Butch is quite the intimidating mofo. Being a professional full contact swordsman and former Marine. Murf is no slouch himself. I don't like men I can intimidate.

I am not bisexual I have no interest in women. And my men are straight as well so why in the hell would dating as a couple be the answer.
 
Len51 said:
I am very alpha and would not tolerate my wife dating other guys. She is free to do so but not as my wife. :) Luckily my wife does not even want another guy. However, I needed other women and my wife never got jealous so I had relationships with other women after about 5 years into our marriage. Problem is that sex releases Oxycotin which is a hormone that emotionally bonds a couple together. Have sex with the same person often enough and viola, you fall in love. There is a very good reason why sex is often referred to as making love and FBuddies often want more than just sex

After seeing the marriages of our friends end in divorce due to the wife or husband falling in love with someone else, we stopped everything else we were doing with other people, as a couple, and formed a polyfidelitous Triad with my wife's best friend. This happened after two of our best friends divorced due to trying to maintain relationships outside of the marriage. My best friend fell in love with his girlfriend who gradually got him to leave his wife. Why not? She was younger, prettier, better in bed, smarter and more exciting to be with than than his wife and mother of two kids. My other friend was OK with is wife's boss being her lover and she left him for her boss. He was rich and handsome and showed her a life that her husband could not. Always remember that we are just meat sacks filled with emotions. When they emotions take over, even against our will, we make poor choices and decisions.

Just a word about jealousy and insecurity. They are normal and ancient emotions that are still with us because they are successful in making sure that we do not waste time, energy and resources raising a child that carries some other man's genes. Although birth control has made this less of an issue, it still estimated to affect 10% of children who are not those of the man who thinks he is their father. Managing one relationship is hard enough and after time, the New Relationship Excitement will fade with your new lover too and you can end up like our friends did married for the 3rd or fourth time because they cannot settle down with one person. I know the feeling as I also have it, but control it because if I do not, I may end up like my friends on their third and fourth marriages with kids all over the place.

No matter what you think, you cannot be in two places at the same time or love several people exactly the same. You will favor one over the other for various reasons. Think what your husband may be thinking. You are promising him that you will still love him and never leave him but yet, breaking your marriage vows. That is the catch 22 in most of what we all do. We break our scared marriage vows and then try to convince our spouses that we will not break our word to them. Take sex and intimacy out of marriage where they are no longer special to just the two of you and what is left? I had one guy tell me that he felt like a sucker. His wife had a lover that she saw for all the fun and games time while he was working his butt off to support her, taking care of all the boring and mundane stuff that is needed to be done in any marriage. He said he could see and tell how she felt about her lover. She was all excited before seeing him and could not hide her feelings. You need to see things from your husband's point of view.

I always had more than one girlfriend at a time and my wife knew that. I had a reputation in our town. However, we agreed that despite my lust for other woman and my wife's need to feed her bisexuality, we either played together or not at all. As a result, our polyfidelitous Triad lasted 38 wonderful and fun filled years. Our girlfriend married a man she found online who was OK with her maintaining her relationship with us. Her husband was fresh off a divorce with a woman he was OK with dating other men. However, she left him for one of her lovers and told him that her new lover, loves her enough to want her all to himself, while he did not. Women are strange. They want to see other men but see it as a weakness when their husbands let them do it. Not the only time I have seen this happen. :) I think it is often discussed online that many women want their husbands to get jealous as a sign of their love. Love is strange. I am always in conflict with myself on this whole subject. I lived a poly life but also take my marriage seriously and would never date other women or be OK with my wife doing the same with men or women. We love together or not at all and that has worked for us.
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Len, I'm glad your triad worked so well and lasted so long. You're a lucky man to have found a wife who is willing to put up with your insecure double standard "alpha male" bs. For your next comment let's see if you can give insight and advice without tooting your horn about your alpha male stature or your insatiable lust and 38 years of boning women while expecting your wife to stay true to you. Generally the more alpha a man thinks he is the more insecurity he has and probably has a woman that strokes his ego by lying to him about the other man keeping you as a cuckold. I'm sure your a nice guy, its just that you lay it on thick in EVERY post and it becomes redundant and more about you than the poster we are trying to help.
 
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Len,

I could challenge many of the assertions in your posts that seem designed to be controversial and counter to most of what I have read, heard and experienced. However,

Len51 said:
Women are strange. They want to see other men but see it as a weakness when their husbands let them do it.
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This is very sexist and nonsense. Partners of any gender or orientation who can support their partner fulfil their desires anx needs are undoubtedly brave, strong, loving and caring and not weak.
 
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Cholita said:
There is not much I can do to prompt him to think differently because he doesnt read much or have the level of critical thinking necessary to question cultural norms that dictate how relationships should be..
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I can see how this can be difficult for you. All I can suggest is that you keep trying to communicate and explain and do it in small bite sized chunks. Perhaps with a bit of time things will improve. There is a chapter in More Than Two on mono/poly relationships which may well help you deal with the issues.
 
Thanks soo much for all your responses everybody. Its been really interesting to read all your different stories and points of view.

RE: lens comment about women:

I definitely don't see my husbands acceptance of my poly preference as a weakness. In fact it reminds me of how much he truly loves me, respects me and wants me to be happy... and of all of his amazing traits that make me admire him so much.

If i were manipulative and insecure then I might like to have my ego stroked by making either of my men jealous. But actually when I saw my boyfriend getting jealous and insecure about my relationship with my husband it made me feel really terrible inside and question everything that I am doing.
I really respect him and I feel really guilty that he is struggling with all of this.

This bad feeling is still lingering with me since he and I had the big argument that prompted me to start this thread last week seeking your advice.

I saw him this week and we had a good discussion about everything, and I can tell he really wants to move forward and is trying to compromise...
but for me it feels like things have changed since that argument...
I just can't feel the amazing rush or the insatiable passion when we kiss anymore. Maybe its still there but its just been eclipsed by an overwhelming sense of responsibility and pressure on me. I got this sense of a loss of magic and innocence between us.

It has been overwhelming trying to manage 2 serious relationships.
Maybe many poly people (women or men) do come to a point where they feel they need to choose one or the other but, it depends not just on themselves and their ability to manange multiple relationships but on the compatibility of all people involved.

I hope that I can make this work and have 2 relationships just like Dagferi is doing. But it has been hard to find the time to hang out with friends and meet new people. So I feel like this poly thing is taking over my life a bit. its ended up being double the responsibility of being in a normal monogamous relationship which is not quite what I thought would happen ( i thought we were going to have a little fun with our new freedom).

Also, since I have been unemployed and stressing about finances and things over the last two months and that has definitely played into all of this as it has been really hard for me to put on a happy face and try to show them both the best side of me when all along I have been so worried about finding stability and just surviving.

Anyway, it is my boyfriends birthday on Monday,
Its an opportunity for me to get over my own fears and worries and make him feel special and who knows, maybe the magic will return on its own, but i am trying to just relax and not force things in any particular direction.
 
Sam is mono and he walked into this because he already thought i was his kind of woman and before he never dremonogamous again. ing in a poly relationship but eventually when I asked him out (2 years after meeting ) he decided to go for it. He thought it was just going to be a fun fling that would run it's course after a few months. But he fell for me and wanted a real relationship. He also wants 2 days/nights as well.

He thought he would be lonely but he realized how much he loves hia freedom. He and hia ex wife had a very co dependant relationship and he thought that's what his ideal relationship was but he learned that when im gone he can do whatever he wants, he doesn't have anyone to answer to, and he craves autonomy.

Nate loves having sex with multiple women. He discovered after a short lived triad that he never wanted to be monogamous again. When he was single he didn't have casual sex because he didn't want to lead anyone on. He likes having casual sex partners now because he feels like those expectations aren't there.
 
Cholita said:
This was defined as being committed to spending at least 2 days and 2 nights a week of quality time with him and him accepting that I have a husband and dont plan to end that relationship.

The problem is that he is not a poly type person. He comes from a really macho culture and he really thinks that what we are doing is not normal. I appreciate that he is making an effort to accept the situation because he loves me and we are happy together. But a poly relationship is not something he wanted in life.
Right now i am encouraging him to see other people so he can experience the benefits that this relationship style can bring about...but he is becomming extremely jealous and insecure. Lately he has been saying that this is hard for him and he wished i could be all his. There is not much I can do to prompt him to think differently because he doesnt read much or have the level of critical thinking necessary to question cultural norms that dictate how relationships should be. I dont want to lose him, but i feel suffocated by him.
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You can't change someone's mind if they don't want their mind to be changed. Nonmonogamy isn't for everyone. It's not "the better way" or anything, it's just a different way. Monogamy works for most people, or monogamish at least.

It doesn't really sound like this relationship is meeting his needs for a life partner, and that he's not poly-inclined enough to want to go looking for that somewhere else while he's still with you. You're getting what you want, but what's in it for him? When does he get to have all that joined at the hip time you and your husband enjoyed for all those years?

Look no further than the title of your thread. Your husband is first. There's nothing inherently wrong with that, it's called priorities and we all have them. But then don't be too surprised when the non-priorities become disgruntled and start to squirm against the status quo.
 
It has been overwhelming trying to manage 2 serious relationships.
Maybe many poly people (women or men) do come to a point where they feel they need to choose one or the other but, it depends not just on themselves and their ability to manange multiple relationships but on the compatibility of all people involved.

I hope that I can make this work and have 2 relationships just like Dagferi is doing. But it has been hard to find the time to hang out with friends and meet new people. So I feel like this poly thing is taking over my life a bit. its ended up being double the responsibility of being in a normal monogamous relationship which is not quite what I thought would happen ( i thought we were going to have a little fun with our new freedom).
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I have two husbands (well, almost - our ceremony is in a couple weeks!) and it isn't always easy, juggling the needs of two guys. Especially since mine are both currently monogamous. It is double the responsibility - it's two hearts to care for and two relationships to nurture. Thankfully, both my guys are introverted and have hobbies at home that they love to immerse themselves in, so when I'm off with the other, the one at home is excited to spend time doing his own thing.
Also, since I have been unemployed and stressing about finances and things over the last two months and that has definitely played into all of this as it has been really hard for me to put on a happy face and try to show them both the best side of me when all along I have been so worried about finding stability and just surviving.
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Why the desire to show them a happy face when you're not feeling it? One of the best things about poly - to me - is that I get double the support if I am anxious or stressed about something. Just having someone to comfort me and hold me is terrific, but having more than one person tell me it's going to be ok is awesomesauce.

Anyway, it is my boyfriends birthday on Monday,
Its an opportunity for me to get over my own fears and worries and make him feel special and who knows, maybe the magic will return on its own, but i am trying to just relax and not force things in any particular direction.
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It sounds like maybe this has caused your NRE state to disappear. A fight can do that. Now comes the true test - the infatuation has faded. Is this really love? Is this the relationship you need? Time will tell.
 
Hi Cholita,

Re (from OP):
"I don't want to lose him, but I feel suffocated by him."
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That's confusing to me. Why would you want to keep someone who is suffocating you? From your OP in general, I get the impression that you and he are poorly matched. It's not good for either of you to stay together. I suppose NRE is stopping you from breaking up, but I don't think anything else is.

It's certainly true that successful poly/mono pairings exist. But I'm not sure if it's possible in this case. Your boyfriend has become increasingly jealous and insecure, and doesn't have the critical thinking necessary to question mainstream values such as monogamy. I think that's a bad sign.

I don't see anything wrong with dating outside your marriage (since you and your husband are in agreement about it) ... but it seems it would make sense to just date people who could stand the fact that you're nonmonogamous. Would you agree?

Of course if you're finding polyamory to be more of a burden than a blessing, you're equally allowed to go back to being monogamous. Totally up to you. I do feel bad if polyamory has disappointed you. :(

I don't mean to spray a bunch of negative energy in your direction ... I know you are looking for a way to stay upbeat, and solve the problem at the same time. I don't know of a way to change the mind of someone who's deeply entrenched in the prevailing norms, I can only hope that a positive attitude will suffice, and promise to let you know if I think of anything.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
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