Poly = want to date ALL THE MEN!

[PinkPig]

I've had several frustrating experiences of late. Blue & I are out as a poly couple to a select group of friends. In addition, we attend poly meet-ups & have made many new poly friends. All great things. Unfortunately, several of the men seem to assume that woman in a poly relationship with only one partner currently = open to dating every poly man. In particular, there have been a couple men who don't seem to want to take no for an answer. I was just wondering if this is a common experience for poly women?

I am honest so that's not the problem. (No, I am not attracted to you and do not have any desire to date you now or ever.)

 

[GreenAcres]

Yep, it's common. I get the exact same thing with couples at meetups/poly events (I am out as bi, so clearly I want to date, or at least fuck, every couple). It's one of the many reasons I don't do meetups, etc. My current male partner is also bisexual (though not biamorous), and almost every guy who is interested in him assumes I'll be in the deal as a "bonus fuck" or something, and they're often extremely pushy about it (to the point he's stopped even looking for male partners, because it's so off-putting). Many of the meetups here have "no single guy" rules (poly and swinger groups), but the poly partnered men (and couples) are, honestly, just as pushy to me, if not moreso.

 

[PinkPig]

Many of the meetups here have "no single guy" rules (poly and swinger groups), but the poly partnered men (and couples) are, honestly, just as pushy to me, if not moreso.

Yes, the worst guy is married :/ Very frustrating. I haven't come out as bi, but most know I've been with women. Thankfully, I've not experienced the couple thing.

 

[JasonJones]

Not saying this as an excuse and there really isn't an excuse to be over the top pushy. ...and I have limited experience here but that being said. I know when to back off if someone is not interested.

Maybe it's supply and demand thing. If you are in an area where poly is in and there is an abundance of folks interested then cool, There should be plenty of men and women to be eligible. However if you live in an area where there isn't as many, then the availability of women who are eligible are at a premium, So there will be guys single or in a poly relationship clamoring to court an eligible woman. hence being pushy about it. Not saying its right but maybe its a reason for it. Unless the guys are just plain douchebags and couples who think they can catch a unicorn.

For me in the middle of south carolina it is very challenging to find eligible women because they pretty much have pick of the litter. I have been looking and its seriously a challenge.

-J

 

[GreenAcres]

I live in a fairly poly-friendly, large metro area. But there are still more men and couples than poly women (and yes, most of the couples are unicorn hunting...I won't even go into the crazy shit that goes on with that because it would derail the thread). So, there is an element of supply and demand, which I get. Expressing interest is a totally reasonable thing to do...after all, how else are you ever going to know, right?

But, it often goes way beyond a reasonable expression of interest. Sometimes, I wonder if that's part of the reason, in fact, that there are fewer women at events and meetups than there might be. Who wants to deal with that crap if you're really just looking for like-minded people to chat and hang out with?

 

[LizziE]

I noticed a similar thing at some meet-ups, but with the added experience of the men assuming that the woman I was dating/went to the meet up with somehow "didn't count" as a relationship.

Jon is my main squeeze, but I and a usually-female-presenting friend (Issi) started dating a couple of years ago. Issi and I went to a couple of meet-ups together along with Jon and Issi's fiance (then hubby) Jared. There were some obnoxious guys who had a sort of "ok, so you're only dating a guy" attitude where they kept "forgetting" I mentioned that Issi and I were dating too. As in, one guy said something like "Well since you're just with Jon, I guess you have a lot of free time open. We should get together" And I said "no, I'm actually dating Issi too, and I don't have a lot of spare time, and I'm not really looking to date right now" to which he said "But you're just dating that one guy!"



I tend to stick to the NYC meet up after that, because it seems like the people I met there treat the meet up less like a meat market and more like a "poly people hanging out talking about poly things" kind of event.

 

[kdt26417]

I don't think I was ever as pushy as what's being described here, but I know of two times when I obsessed enough that the lady basically said, "Whoa there, I'm not that interested dude." Which is at least part of the reason I lost interest in OKCupid: I don't trust myself to be reasonable.

That said, I can't understand actually *arguing* ("But, but ...") with someone when they've already said "No." I know they say you should have confidence, but jeezh, that's kind of like blind over-the-top confidence, isn't it?

 

[JaneQSmythe]

For the men, and couples, that assume that because you are poly you must be up for dating them - I wonder if that is an ego thing? That "I'm with so-and-so." from a monogamous person is somehow a more valid "reason" than, "I'm not interested." from a poly person - because that must mean there is something wrong with them (as opposed to the person they are hitting on being "brainwashed" by a monogamous society).

It's a bit fucked up, actually. But I also think that years of societal training have encouraged women (and likely men as well) to make "excuses" as to why they don't want to see someone (or see someone again) - "I'm getting back together with my ex." "I'm dating someone else I am more interested in." in other words "It's not you, it's me/my situation.". But when a poly person says "I'm not interested." - you are, in fact, saying "It IS you".

My friend, MrClean, and I had a conversation after we came out to him regarding Dude - he admits that there was a bit of "Why him and not me?" feeling (we have a little bit of a history). But his ego (and our friendship) is strong enough to withstand his ...hmmm, "wistful disappointment".

 

[Dagferi]

I have run across the whole Oh you are poly you must be promiscuous attitude from men. Or they assume poly woman = bisexual woman.

No, while I do not judge people who have had quite I few sexual partners, I am rather conservative with who I will sleep with. No I am not interested in being shared with your buddy. One of Murf's former friends tried to proposition me to have sex with him and some other friend when he found out that I was poly. Murf blew a gasket. No I am not interested in being a sex toy to be shared with you and your wife. A) I am straight. B) I am polyfi. I have NO interest or eyes for anyone but Murf and Butch.

 

[GreenAcres]

It's a bit fucked up, actually. But I also think that years of societal training have encouraged women (and likely men as well) to make "excuses" as to why they don't want to see someone (or see someone again) - "I'm getting back together with my ex." "I'm dating someone else I am more interested in." in other words "It's not you, it's me/my situation.". But when a poly person says "I'm not interested." - you are, in fact, saying "It IS you".

This drives me batty, and I often get told I am rude for how I deal with it. I get asked out by fellas pretty regularly (less often by women--I guess I don't give off the "bi/lesbian" vibe or something). When I am not interested (which is like 99.9% of the time), my answer is a very polite "no, thank you." And that's it. Pretty invariably I get asked "Why not? (I didn't see a ring)..Are you married, or do you have a boyfriend?" My answer is, without exception "I wasn't aware I had to justify my personal decisions to you." Yes, I get called rude, but I don't really care. It's ridiculous that people are expected to justify why they aren't interested in dating someone.

 

[zigzag]

Sometimes this happens to men too! Just because I am in a poly relationship and male does not mean I will automatically have a relationship or sex with anyone. I have experienced one person who did not seem to understand this.

 

[IndieSolo]

When I am not interested (which is like 99.9% of the time), my answer is a very polite "no, thank you." And that's it. Pretty invariably I get asked "Why not? (I didn't see a ring)..Are you married, or do you have a boyfriend?" My answer is, without exception "I wasn't aware I had to justify my personal decisions to you." Yes, I get called rude, but I don't really care. It's ridiculous that people are expected to justify why they aren't interested in dating someone.

I usually just say "No, thank you" as well. When I get asked why not, I either say, "I don't understand the question. I need to give you a reason?" with a puzzled look on my face, or I just say, "I don't want to go out with you."

I remember when I was about 21 or 22 or so, a guy asked me out, I said no, and he asked me, "You have a boyfriend?" I said, "No." He persisted. "A girlfriend?" he asked. I said, "No." Then he said, "Why won't you go out with me?" I just looked at him, and answered, "Because I don't want to. I think that's a good enough reason." I hated that he was grilling me about it, so I made up my mind then and there to never make up a lame excuse if I didn't want to go out with someone.

About 20 years later, a guy asked me out when I was married to my ex. We were monogamous (I'd never heard of poly nor had I ever even thought about non-monogamy back then), and he also asked me for a reason and I told him, "I'm not interested in going out with you." When I came home, I mentioned the interaction to my husband. He got a bit upset and said, "Why didn't you tell him you're married!!??" And I said, "Because if I told him that, he would think that if I wasn't married, I would be interested. And I want him to know I'm not interested whether I am married or not." I could see on my husband's face, his brain just sort of going haywire for a few seconds on that one.

I guess it's part of our societal training that, since women are supposed to belong to a man, like property, if they turn a guy down, that must mean they are someone else's property already. But if they aren't anyone's property, then they should jump at the chance to belong to someone - hence most men's utter confusion when a woman turns him down if she's technically available.

 

[Journeyofawakening]

I guess it's part of our societal training that, since women are supposed to belong to a man, like property, if they turn a guy down, that must mean they are someone else's property already. But if they aren't anyone's property, then they should jump at the chance to belong to someone - hence most men's utter confusion when a woman turns him down if she's technically available.

That's what bothers me the most about 'typical' relationships in our society. Especially those linked to religion.

 

[FallenAngelina]

I have to say, I have never encountered this entitled attitude. Sure, some guys are full of themselves, but most come hat in hand to every conversation. I find men as a whole to be quite deferential. Not sure whether "society" is changing or I am changing or both, but not one man has ever assumed that I would want him as a matter of course. They all come ready to put in their application, so to speak.

I will say, I've only been to one poly party and never a public meet-up, so maybe that's what you all are referring to. ? The poly men at the party were all respectful and again - deferential is really the only way to put it. My experience is that poly is a woman's world for sure.

 

[PinkPig]

I will say, I've only been to one poly party and never a public meet-up, so maybe that's what you all are referring to. ? The poly men at the party were all respectful and again - deferential is really the only way to put it. My experience is that poly is a woman's world for sure.

Well, it hasn't just occurred at meet-ups... but I also live in a poly-unfriendly area. As a result, most poly people tend to be closeted which makes it difficult to find other like minded people (hence attending meet-ups.) I think that's part of why I feel like the 'fresh new meat.'

And, yes on poly being a woman's world. I find it ironic that Blue is the one actively seeking new partners and I'm the who seems to be attracting the new partners when I'm not seeking any, lol.